And she's still alive, sleeping on the windowsill next to me
Pepper came into my life on January 12th when she and her (presumably) mother were caught in a trap and brought to the shelter I volunteer at. While her mum was a friendly and sweet tortie, Pepper was absolutely insanely fearful. Just reaching into her cage made her freak out, climb up the walls, growling, hissing, peeing/pooping herself and panting like a dog, tongue out and wide eyed.
While her mother found a new home quickly, Pepper spent almost 3.5 months hiding in a corner in a room with other young cats.
She just cowered there, watching, never moving. And in my eyes: suffering
On May 1st I decided to take her home as a friend for my first cat, I've been thinking about her at this point for weeks but on that day it was a spontaneous decision.
Once at home it took her a few weeks to realize she was safe and after 5 weeks I was able to pet her while feeding her treats. She was SO into food which definitely helped. And around that time my first cat started accepting her too.
Three weeks later we moved into our new apartment and this is where she transformed into a new cat, confident and asking for pets and food with this adorable silent meow. No actual voice, just the noise of her mouth and throat moving, almost like whispering "ah".
Then a month ago she became less interested in food, slept a lot, lost weight. She's always been skinny but not that skinny.
I started training her to stand on a scale and she did so well! We weighed everyday for training, thats how I noticed how quickly she lost weight.
2 weeks ago she weighed 2.5kgs, now she weighs 2kg.
Last Tuesday the vet diagnosed several lymphoma. He took a sample but it's been 7 days and the results arent back yet, but Pepper isn't doing well.
She stopped eating but will accept churus by licking it off my fingers. She still likes scritches on her head and cheeks but its clear that she has no energy anymore. She wants to eat but cant. She wants to use the litterbox but she doesn't always make it in time.
I can't help but feel like I failed her by not taking her to the vet earlier. She's my sweet little angel, she never did anything wrong at all and we just didn't have enough time. She's still a baby at 15 months
I know that she knows that she's loved and I'm so glad she didn't have to quietly fade away at the shelter. I don't regret bringing her home at all, even though all I seem to do in the past week is cleaning diarrhea and vomit from my floors and feeding her churrus and worrying to the point that I'm throwing up now too.
I'm not sure how much longer I can take this and its only been one week.
Tomorrow evening we're going to the vet again but I have this feeling that she's not coming back home again.
I'm not against relieving her from her suffering, but I also know she's going to fight the vet again just like she did at the shelter.
Last week it took 3 people to hold her down just so the vet could sedate her to be able to touch her at all.
The thought of her fighting for her life at the vet tomorrow instead of peacefully going to sleep is breaking my heart.
It's just so hard and the guilt is eating me alive.
She doesn't deserve this at all