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u/TwinStickDad 6h ago
This is the fucking truth. I've seen so many friend groups fall apart when that one person who was making all the effort checks out.
It's a shame that we all expect friendships to be deep, immediate, and effortless. We'd all be a lot less lonely if we tried to show up for each other. If we didn't make excuses for ourselves but not for our friends
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u/GodsHumbleClown 6h ago
My friend group has one person who usually hosts because his place is bigger, but I recently moved into a new place that has a lovely big living room and I'm so excited to take some of that effort off his plate!
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u/Lazy-Main1782 6h ago edited 6h ago
We take turns hosting. Since it’s the hosts that puts effort to organize, and get food/drinks and also maintain the event. So that shit is exhausting.
Even if everyone pitch in to help clean and get food. The host will still have most of the work. Props to people who has the energy every single time.
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u/GodsHumbleClown 6h ago
When I was growing up, my dad had a coworker who would often host cookouts and barbecues, and he and his wife would provide meats and a grill, everyone else would bring drinks and other dishes. I think potluck style is underrated as a way to take at least a LITTLE of the pressure off.
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u/Conscious-Theory-844 4h ago
Yep I usually host and I’ve gotten way less shy about requesting lol.
I found my friends weren’t unwilling to help, they just sorta needed a list of what I needed. They figure it out among themselves in the gc after lol
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u/RevoOps 4h ago
Do check in with them about how you feel like you would be helping out. Some people might genuinely get offended when you a) intrude on a thing they think is theirs like being the host b) take it as a insult that their place is shit and now that you have a new one you think you don't need it anymore
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u/Vlowkeyy 5h ago
I don’t think that’s a fair assumption. I don’t like hosting at my house because my home isn’t a good space for a group of people that’s 5+. Also, and more importantly, my (clinically diagnosed) OCD that involves intrusive thoughts about my house not being tidy enough would have me feeling disconnected from whatever is going on. However, I ALWAYS arrive first to help whoever’s hosting with whatever they need & leave last to make sure their place is back to normal after all the other guests are gone.
I’m embarrassed that my mental health creates a barrier for hosting at my own place, but I try to make up for it the best way I can.
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u/Collective-Bee 5h ago
I’m afraid of hosting because I’m not good at it. I’m not good at it because I haven’t hosted enough.
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u/FaintestGem 6h ago
I was that friend making all the effort and man it fucking hurt. I had a really rough patch in college (and that's putting it lightly tbh) and really needed someone to just let me know that they actually gave a shit about me or even just realize that it'd been weeks since any of them had last seen me. Like not asking for a whole intervention or for them to drop everything to cater to my depression, just a text saying "hey, haven't heard from you in awhile, wanna hang out?"... But the minute I stopped scheduling stuff and being the first to reach out, they completely ghosted me. Like if it was the other way around, I absolutely would have reached out to check on a friend if we had been in regular contact and I just suddenly hadn't seen or heard from them in over a week.
The whole time the only thing I could think of was that I could be dead and I didn't think any of them would have noticed.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 5h ago
Yyyyyup. Going through this right now....again. I had already gone through this twice. Once in high school and again in college.
And now it's starting all over again. No calls or texts in months if not longer. Even scroling back, the selfish bastards couldn't even be bothered to text me back after I asked a question.
I really do think I'm over having friends now. Better off alone and putting that energy I have for people into myself. At least I know I'll appreciate it.
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u/WillowPtar_Migan 2h ago
I notice an attitude here on Reddit especially where people constantly talk about what they're 'obligated' to do in a friendship or relationship, like it's transactional. I see people going to Reddit for advice on, say, their partner asking them to go to visit their in-laws when they don't want to, and most of the comments aren't "Find a compromise", it's "You don't have to do that, you're not obligated".
It's an incredibly dense outlook that is very destructive to any relationship. There's more and more people who seem to think they shouldn't have to inconvenience themselves at all for people they ostensibly care about.
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u/katiemae111 6h ago
This is why I basically only have neurodivergent friends. Just like romantic relationship you have to be compatible with how you view your time. If you don’t text me back for five days then I understand cuz I do the same thing lol. But if you called me and said “I need you cuz I’m having a breakdown” then I’m getting in an uber to your house immediately. You have to be compatible in how and where you place the effort into the relationship.
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u/AdorableSillies 6h ago
I have had different levels of friends if that makes sense. Like some are more surface level and maybe they aren't up for getting personal but we enjoy the same hobby. I've had friends where we text daily and others we go for weeks or months. I value them both.
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u/Tuningislife 5h ago
This is totally some of my text chains. One set of friends I text, and don’t expect an answer from for a week, but when they did text back, they were like, “hey, I saw this thing. I thought all of us could do it together.”
Another friend, we were sending each other messages so long that it required 30 minutes to text a reply back. Longer if they jumped around on topics.
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u/Zizi_Tennenbaum 5h ago
This sounds like a good idea on paper but in my experience people who identify as neurodivergent have VERY little patience for each other and want to be the only one tolerated in the group.
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u/birthdaycheesecake9 6h ago
I’m in a trio, and two of us live together and another is an hour’s drive away. The further away friend comes every week for trivia, so the two of us here intentionally make sure we’re heading up to the other friend too to balance it out
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u/BulbasaurCPA 6h ago
As I get older I really value that my main friend group has gotten so good at taking turns making the effort for things. Several people have houses they can host in and everyone is good about bringing stuff. It’s cool
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u/othybear 4h ago
My husband stopped being the “friend dad” with a group of friends. Now we see that group about once a year, when we host our annual bbq. They don’t make any effort in between.
Thankfully we have other friends who do regularly return the effort, but I wish those folks would show a bit of effort because I enjoy their company.
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u/ravenscar37 2h ago
This is me. I was the constant planner for efforts but then I had some health issues combined with pretty severe depression, and I stopped doing a lot of planning. A lot of folks I thought were friends never reached out to me when I functionally disappeared for over a year.
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u/Same-Suggestion-1936 59m ago
The worst is when you just decide to stop texting people because they never text back and you give it a month, no texts, then another month just to see, no texts, then you just stop texting them and you drift apart. I had to move so I wasn't able to see a lot of them just randomly anymore and now I'm not sure I ever will. Two of them remembered my birthday but didn't make any plans to get together so I didn't try to make any either.
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u/Djaakie 44m ago
Dude. It is the worst. I was always the 1 to put effort in the things we would do. Even if it was just a group call. I was always the 1 to remind everyone when someones birthday was coming up and when it was mine i got nothing. From all the supposed friends i had only 2 send me a happy birthday. And when i wasn't gonna plan things as i didn't have time or whatever. Then suddenly i was to blame when their plans fell trough. Ive tried so hard to keep close with the few friends i had left but this year i just stopped as i would look trough our chats and it was like 80% me and they always had short answers. And they blame me for ghosting them.
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u/IceDelusion 6h ago
It's kinda fascinating. There are alpha positions in human groups, they just don't work as the wannabe alpha people describe. Instead they're popular, if the most stressful positions in group. People kinda fall into that naturally or the group falls apart
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u/SimplyYulia 4h ago
We had a friend group where one girl always was taking initiative for organizing board games. Then we had a falling out
The remainder eventually expressed that playing board games again would be fun. And so I decided to be the one taking initiative, because the others are even more introverted than me
Well, took getting used to, but so far it's going well
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u/Euphoric-Language695 3h ago
This has historically been me in my friends groups, and the past few years I've been letting go of a lot for my own sake. I'm still learning to deal with the reality that most of my friends are not great at being friends,. It used to not feel like a burner at all, but after figuring out my social life is pretty much non-existent unless I'm constantly on top of people, it's really demoralizing for me to try and be this person again.
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u/Objective-Access6752 5h ago
Speaking of showing up, and definitely asking for a friend, what if your own siblings aren't coming to your wedding, that they agreed to speak at, because of BS excuses?
One is simply not taking care of their health at all, and is then blaming their own health. The other just doesn't feel like it.
Grounds to never speak with them again?
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u/FloppieTheBanjoClown 6h ago
Being a good friend is foundational to having good friends. You will never build real friendships of you arent the kind of person who shows up.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 5h ago
Conversely. I'm the friend who constantly shows up, is there when people ask, shows up with gifts and surprises and makes the plans just because it makes them happy and get bupkiss back.
I'm done putting firewood into a fire they have no intention of helping maintain and only come to bath in it's light.
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u/Collective-Bee 5h ago
I think the trick is figuring out which will return the favour, or which are trying their best to at least.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 5h ago
It was a lesson I learned early on and found those that did return the favor. For a while, not sure what the hell it is, but it's like people just get bored of me. Like I was the hot new toy to have and now that they've seen all the tricks they've had their fun and rather do something else with somebody else.
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u/Unusual_username739 4h ago
This has been my problem for years. I will put a lot of effort in my friendship, drive long distances to see them or go to concerts they like, move stuff for their schedule, etc. But then I don’t get the same level of response back. I have to be the one to initiate everything or they are always too busy and I have to wait for the single pocket of time they are free every four months.
It gets exhausting having to be the one to constantly be the one to reach out, and then also worry if you’re annoying them because they don’t respond quickly or with enthusiasm.
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u/Rough_Shame6787 46m ago
I used to be the same, but I've started to match the energy and effort. It feels so weird but also a bit like an emotional load is off your shoulders
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u/improbsable 4h ago
You should stay a good friend, but move on from one sided friendships until you find a good group
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 4h ago
Nah, I'm done. I keep finding my way into groups, becoming their hero, the person they can not believe exists and thanks me everyday. Then after a year or so, they get bored of me and only talk to me when they want something. If I'm not giving, nobody cares. Keeping everything for myself now. I'm done with friends.
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u/cottonballz4829 3h ago
Yikes. That sounds depressing. Hope you find your mojo back and someone who appreciates you for you.
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u/ThenThereWasReddit 3h ago
The problem with this, especially if you’re only surrounded by selfish assholes, is that you begin to feel like one yourself.
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u/TheStoneMask 5h ago
Yeah, my friends are like family, we always try to help if needed, even if it's inconvenient. Moving, car trouble, I've even helped my friend's parents in-law renovate a kitchen because my friend asked. And that goes both ways, when I need help I know I'll get it. It didn't get there accidentally, that's a decade of answering the call, offering a hand, and asking for help when needed.
And good friends don't drain my social battery like other people. They're my friends because I like their company, so social events with them are always a blast.
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u/SquirrelNormal 6h ago
I just don't like bothering them
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u/menta00000 6h ago
bothering people is part of any relationship. if you're not constantly in someone's life then you're a stranger.
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u/SquirrelNormal 6h ago
Yes, I didn't imply that I was a real friend. I'm a background character at best. But better that than a burden and a bother.
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u/menta00000 6h ago
well, then you're never getting past being a stranger to your friends. relationships are risky because you're showing who you are and the others do so too. sometimes it works out and sometimes it just doesn't and you move on from that. i hope you grow past your comfort zone one day.
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u/SquirrelNormal 6h ago
I didn't ask to be more than a stranger. I just stated that I don't show up for things because I don't want to bother them.
I hope not, because that would mean I'm putting myself above them, and that's not right.
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u/SeraphimFelis 5h ago
Sometimes it's hard to know what regrets people will have in life. But I know exactly what you'll regret on your deathbed.
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u/SquirrelNormal 5h ago
Absolutely nothing, except maybe hanging around so damn long instead of doing the decent thing.
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u/high_throughput 6h ago
I don't have friends so I can't speak on that, but this annoyed the heck out of me at work.
People kept asking, "why don't we have more social events?"
Then when someone took time out of their day to try to arrange something, it was like "ehh, I'm gonna skip this one, I'm not all that into X"
Like, it's totally fine not to want to go to work social events, but you can't then be surprised that they stop happening. You vote for or against with your presence.
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u/breuh 5h ago
Lol exactly. I arranged a get together with friends, talked to them and all said yes. On the D day, they just straight up cancelled and only one showed up. The only person who showed up is a good friend and someone I trust better than the others now.
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u/Neveronlyadream 4h ago
Same boat, but in my experience, what happens a lot of the time is people say they want friends, but what they want is someone to be there for them, but don't want to have to put the energy into being there for anyone else.
I don't think it's people being assholes, I just think everyone is kind of fucked up and lonely right now and not exactly sure what they want from anyone. They say they do, but when they get exactly that, they reject it.
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u/breuh 2h ago
True. I don't think they're bad people, just not people I can trust or rely on fully anymore after all easily cancelled just because they don't feel like it. Someone mentioned about people wanting a village but don't want to put an effort to be the villager. I used to be the one that arrange and remember birthdays in my old office and as soon as I left that place, they stopped celebrating birthday or doing any event because no one wanted to put an effort.
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u/TeachingScience 4h ago
I mean yes. I whole heartedly agree. But also, 90% of the time my teacher coworkers and friends want to go to someplace with alcohol. I get it. They want to wind down, but I have been sober for over 24 years. I have offered alternative places, but some people want to go and have a drink and relax. I can’t be around that. I know once I start, I won’t stop. The best way for me to remain sober is to avoid those situations that allows for that.
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u/Conscious-Theory-844 4h ago
That’s tough man. Idk the right answer to that. Do you have like, sober support groups? I’d maybe try spending more of my time with other sober cats atp
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u/Pafbonk 6h ago
Extremely brave posting that on Reddit lmao
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u/cnicalsinistaminista 6h ago
We Redditors can be some of the most pretentious people imaginable… but just because people on Reddit will swarm, hive mind, and downvote anything not black and white doesn’t mean Redditors are always right. Everybody needs to know, you’re not selfish for giving the same energy you receive. If I’m on the only one always texting first, going out my way to be a friend and don’t get reciprocal energy, I’m off, bye Felicia.
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u/ForsakenDrawer 6h ago
bUt i’M aN iNtRoVeRt
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u/Conscious-Theory-844 4h ago
Ya whatsup with that? I sorta interpreted introvert to be like how a person likes to spend their personal free time. Not like, an inability to be a friend.
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u/frank26080115 3h ago
introversion vs extroversion is supposed to be just battery goes down or battery goes up around people
some people love running even though it makes them tired, some introverts love socializing, they just get tired
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u/ICBPeng1 2h ago
I just really dislike socializing.
I always feel like a dweeb in a room full of doctors.
Like, I’m interesting when I first meet people, but once I run through my interesting things I’ve done, that’s it, I’m not really doing anything anymore. Just going to work, and playing video games.
I still go to everything my family and friends invite me to l, but it’s definitely an effort to do so, not relaxing.
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u/badpebble 2h ago
There was a whole post yesterday where someone was asking if they were an asshole for wanting to leave a wedding at 8pm with the best man, when the bride and groom weren't leaving until 10pm and the party was continuing.
Half the comments were people acting like spending one day supporting your best friend was akin to slavery.
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u/OGOngoGablogian 5h ago
One of the most trafficked sites on the Internet? It's not 2008, reddit isn't a self-proclaimed secret club of internet nerds.
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u/miseenen 5h ago
I saw a reddit notification on my 50-something year old, for lack of a better word “normie” (the type of person you would only expect to see on facebook and instagram) supervisor’s phone the other day lol
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u/some_loaded_tots 6h ago
i heard somewhere “you owe your friends friendship”
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u/Laverathan 3h ago
Me and my sister were just discussing earlier about how a majority of our online friends have this weird policy where they refuse to share their feelings, emotions, or achievements with others, and then get confused why we have a hard time treating them as friends. When asked about it they simply say, "It's none of your business what I do."
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u/iamfuturetrunks 3h ago
I know someone online who I tried to get them to open up like let me get to know them a bit better. Their response was something along the lines of how they don't like to share anything personal with people they only know online.
At that point I was like whats the point of chatting then if they only want a superficial friendship? If I am not going to get to know someone at all then I have nothing to invest any interest in or anything.
It's just like others in the past who I would come across a profile on a chatting site and try and strike up a conversation. Sometimes the profiles would mention being lonely, etc. I would start off being very friendly and ask questions to get to know the other person. They would respond to stuff with "idk" "nothing" etc. Like they wouldn't put any effort into an answer, or be very vague etc. Worse yet, they wouldn't even ask me anything back so I was the only one carrying the conversation. At that point I can wager maybe why said person is lonely if other people have to put in all the effort.
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u/n1c0_ds 25m ago
If you're not used to it, it seems counterintuitive to be vulnerable. A lot of people were socialised to keep bad emotions to themselves and present a perfect self.
But yeah, intimacy is built on vulnerability. It's crazy how much closer you get to people when you share a bit more of your inner world.
I feel it too. It's so gratifying to be trusted by someone and have them open up to you. It changes the whole relationship.
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u/1block 6h ago
Same with parents. Everyone complains about "where's my village???" To help them with kids. And they spent the last 10 years investing 0 time and effort into parents or siblings. Or they have 47 rules for interacting with their kids.
Be a villager if you want a village. It's not all about you.
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u/Other_Bus9590 4h ago
Came to say this same thing. Never do the people yelling about there being no village understand that villages are communities built around reciprocal relationships and care.
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u/workieworkwork 6h ago
You need to work out your social muscles by going out when you don't want to.
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u/OGOngoGablogian 5h ago
Sitting at home used to be so soul crushingly boring that doing anything else would be better. Now everyone has gotten used to their comfort zones at home where they can game and doom scroll and binge watch without ever having to interact with another human, and it's incredibly addictive. You have to force yourself out of your comfort zone once in a while if you want to have interpersonal relationships.
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u/TurgidSplatter 4h ago
Even if you just want to be a social-able person.
It's a skill that takes exercise, AND cultural context. Sitting around at home all day ignoring the current cultural zeitgeist makes you stand out like a sore thumb and will make people wonder about you and what you're doing all day.
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u/ShittyOfTshwane 1h ago
This hit me hard. I generally like people - and I like to be liked - but I wasn't super outgoing or social until I met my wife. She has been a massive social catalyst in my life and I'm not exaggerating when I say my friend-count went from 2 casual acquantances to like 16 since then. I love it, but the problem is that I spent all my "lonely" years building interests in various solo hobbies and activities and now I never get to do any of them anymore. It's a little bit of a bummer, but I remind myself that the time I'd need for my hobbies is time I also need to maintain my friendships.
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u/YouTasteStrange 6h ago
I literally asked me partner today, "when I show up for you in this way, do you like it? Do you feel loved?" and I explained that I made an effort specifically because that's a way I can show that I care about them. Also asking that is another way I show I care, because I want to make sure I'm not wasting my very limited energy on something that's not important to them.
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u/MyDamnCoffee 6h ago
I think people still show up for their friends. It's just being there too long wears you out.
At least, that's what I do. I hope others do the same
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u/BiscuitsTheory 6h ago
Yup. If I count you as a friend, I'll accept any invitation I reasonably can.
Then a couple hours later, I'm going home.
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u/BrofessorLongPhD 6h ago
I feel like that’s pretty common these days. But that’s not a bad thing. A short and sweet hangout is still wonderful. Better to leave wanting more than to dread the next hangout call.
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u/plantsareneat-mkay 6h ago
Yes! Should also be socially acceptable to tell people "well ive had enough hosting, please leave now" somehow. The Midwestern knee slap is my favorite.
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u/davidforslunds 6h ago
It's the multi-day commitments that require more preparation and planning in my case. I can manage my battery for a day with friends without issue. After that, it gets difficult.
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u/TurgidSplatter 4h ago
People are just more honest about it now.
Instead of petty excuses and lies, it's "Sorry I'm actually just tired and I respect you enough to let you know the truth"
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u/5k1895 4h ago
Yep, correct. I absolutely find time to do things with the people I care about. I just can't do something all the time. I need time at home too. I would sincerely hope no one perceives that as "not caring". I don't believe anyone reasonable would. What matters is just consistently finding the time to do things.
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u/Sea_Pattern1262 6h ago
My friend made a huge deal about her birthday and how she would cut off people who didn’t remember or make an effort on her birthday. I put in a conscious effort to make her birthday special. She completely ignored my birthday two years in a row.
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u/Totallynotokayokay 4h ago
This is what I tell everyone looking for friends online and I get downvoted to hell.
You have to be a friend to have a friend.
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u/toolsoftheincomptnt 44m ago
Yeah, but if your barometer for friendship is that they show up to a group event when they’re not feeling mentally or emotionally up to it, you can hold that.
I may not have the bandwidth for a friend’s party, but if I miss it I will take that friend to lunch another day.
I will also keep one-on-one plans even when I’m not up to it. I wouldn’t want to leave a friend lonely.
But a party? Where they’ll have lots of people around to interact with? Yeah I’m not a bad friend for sitting that out if I need to keep it low key.
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u/ShittyOfTshwane 1h ago
No, but, like, you see, everyone everywhere in the world is just going to use you and cast you aside when they're done. Or at least that's what I've read on Reddit.
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u/diffyqgirl 6h ago
Going to a party when my social battery is out feels like pulling out my eyeballs. I get that some people don't experience this but it is real.
However, one can still be a good friend by planning ones day to avoid back to back social events so that you social battery isn't out at your friends party.
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u/AdventurousCup4066 5h ago
Yeah, trying to force yourself to be there when youre not up to it is the worst. You can have friends and be there for your friends while still needing time to yourself and not having infinite energy
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u/Competitive_Ad_1800 5h ago
Tethered to this as well is to just be open and honest with your friends about your limitations!
My friends know my social battery is depleted after too much work/stress for example; I just need a day to rest and relax!
Because of this, they know a Friday evening invite after work is likely gonna be declined while a Saturday invite I accept is a 100% commitment.
As a result, my friends and I are on the same page! They have similar traits as well, or other commitments that will circumstantially supersede me, but we’re all on the same page about these things and therefore don’t mind it.
We’ve all been friends for 6-20+ years now
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u/chinchabun 4h ago
Absolutely. People do have social batteries, physical, mental, emotional batteries, etc. The people who have problems with those and want to be your friend will plan around it, go for an hour or two, go to half the things, find something else you can do together, make you aware of limitations, etc.
People who constantly say, "oh my social battery is dead," the day of are people who just don't want to go.
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u/cthulu_is_trans 6h ago
Even if I feel like this, I'll still try to show up for an hour or two before dipping. Cause it's what you do.
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u/LarryFitzsButt 6h ago
This is so odd to me. I have been at parties where I literally know nobody except my SO. I’ve never felt like pulling out my eyeballs lmao. One time my wife had to run a student organization event at her grad school, I literally met zero people before. Ended up helping the deans of her school run the piña colada bar, without knowing at all that’s who they were. She was horrified lmao. But it all started with the question “what’re you guys up to, want a hand?”
Sometime I wonder if you people interested in anyone but yourselves. I think if you’re honest, a lot of you will say no.
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u/Dull-Culture-1523 5h ago
Claiming others are only interested in themselves after completely invalidating their experience like that is an interesting take for sure
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u/RoseSilverleaf 5h ago
Sounds like you're an extrovert, so being around new people or just people in general isn't exhausting for you. Just because someone is more introverted, that doesn't mean they're self-centered. Just means socializing is a bit harder.
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u/Quirky-Judgment1263 6h ago
Exactly. When people reach out, I do my best to return their effort and we eventually end up becoming friends.
Recently, a classmate I don’t talk much to because of language barrier had a solo exhibition of her artwork and she basically invited everyone in our class and even outside her classes. She must have personally handed out a hundred invitations. She was so earnest and it made me appreciate her works more. I went to her opening day with a bouquet of flowers despite the crazy downpour and as expected there was only a slow trickle of people coming because of the weather.
When we met again in class she gave me a small artwork of hers and some tea as a token. Now, we talk more despite the language barrier.
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u/FyouPerryThePlatypus 6h ago
A girl I barely talked to in college asked me to attend her graduation recently
Anyways my friday night’s all booked up for that because why would I miss it
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u/Shmokeshbutt 6h ago
Problem is I don't get invited, or if I reach out to someone, they say they're busy or I get ghosted
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u/No_Skylark 6h ago
I was always the friend that put in effort but it was never reciprocated and I was left to feel “weird” cause I “cared too much”. I haven’t put much energy into making friends since. A big part of it is being careful of who you put your energy into. Not everyone is deserving of your time and effort.
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u/StoryBard 6h ago
I mean, I totally understand the sentiment here but idk, I drove across two US states in summer in a car with no AC to deep clean a friend's entire house bc she was going through some stuff. And I have various chronic health problems and doing all that made them flare badly and I knew very well ahead of time that it would, but it was worth it to me bc she had nobody to lean on at the time and 3 young children. It's not something I can do a lot of but at the time I had it to give so I gave it, you know? I think most people WILL show up in the ways they can for the people that matter, but I do think a lot of people are really afraid to make the initial moves. And some people just haven't yet learned not to be selfish in their friendships, which is in fact a learned skill but sadly kindergarten didn't do the job for everyone lol.
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u/Various_Mobile4767 6h ago
I realized at some point it costs me socially to perform around people, even around my friends. And I really didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. I realized I cared about people but i genuinely didn't even care to talk to them and disliked pretending I did.
And I realized it was unfair to my friends.
So now I have no friends, none with any expectations on me at least. And you know what, that's a fair tradeoff. I still get a couple people texting me every few months, but that's about it.
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u/mr_mope 6h ago
You know there's a lot of room between spending time with friends as performative and spending time with no one to be yourself. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation.
Also, you said it was unfair to your friends. Did they have any input, or did you unilaterally decide this? Maybe they like being your friend, even the friend beyond the 'performative' version of yourself that you've presented.
There are a lot of gray areas in life, and you get to decide where on the spectrum you want to be. And you're only doing it for yourself.
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u/OGOngoGablogian 5h ago
If you feel like you can't be yourself around your social group and feel like you're constantly "performing," you need to start being yourself around them, and if they don't accept you for who you are, you need to find people who do.
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u/Lazearound10am 6h ago
Often time my self-esteem is so low that I assume my presence would be a bother to the other person. Heck, sometimes even when they call out to me first, I still get the thought that I'm being a bother and they just invite me out of courtesy.
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u/GodsHumbleClown 6h ago
I had that issue for a long time, and only a few years ago decided to push through it and start showing up to things, or inviting people myself. I've met so many people who say they've felt that way too, and they appreciate me showing up or planning things and such. It's hard to ignore those feelings at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
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u/JawsRaglizar 6h ago
Damn bro I feel this fr. I got kicked from my friend group cuz I was trying to be a real friend and look out for them and they took it as disrespect cuz they wanted me to let them make mistakes. Later found out they would clown me for coming to them with real issues and I realized I was giving a lot more than I was getting. Kicked me out after I had a break down cuz they always made me feel like I was the bad friend. I havent really trusted anyone to "be a friend" since and that was five years ago. Like i have acquaintances and people I know but I just dont trust anyone enough to be friends with them anymore.
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u/NotYourGa1Friday 6h ago
I feel like the best thing to do is to find friends on the same wavelength.
When my friend’s social battery is low, I get it. When mine is low, she gets it.
Yes, friendship is about physically being there but it’s also about mentally being there. I like that we are both comfortable being honest about our limits, even if we do hate cancelling or changing plans.
We both have chronic illness— and in a world where we are both constantly apologizing for not having the fortitude other people our age have, always battling the reputation of being flighty or untrustworthy because of cancelled plans or late arrivals—it’s nice to have someone else that gets it.
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u/Rotini_Rizz 6h ago
I had friends like this. I think the deciding factor for me is how they try to meet me in the middle.
Your social battery is low at parties? Maybe they could come for the first half or leave early. Or come the second half and stay later to chat and clean up with less people around. Maybe they could use my bedroom as a quiet space when they get overwhelmed midway through. Maybe we have a dinner separately.
Overtime I’ve learned that one-size-fits-all model for friendship isn’t realistic, no matter how much I think it should be. I’ve embraced the ‘some friends are for some things’ mindset recently. But the biggest takeaway I have is the value of when people do show up.
If I barely see you, but in the time I see you it feels genuine and full of authentic effort? I don’t mind that we have a 80/20 relationship if your 20% has 80% intent together. But if it’s pulling teeth to talk to you and I’m constantly getting cancelled on or feel like you’re not very present when I do see you— I may as well cut my losses and just do something else with someone else. I’m not even saying get rid of those friends, but I reframe and act accordingly. It makes me feel better overall, and less like I’m an NPC in my own friendship.
TLDR; I won’t invalidate my friends’ impediments, but I will judge if they don’t try to meet me halfway 🤷🏿♀️
Edit- typo
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u/TalkQuick 5h ago
You know what, I needed to hear this. I have my groups of high school and college friends so I slack heavily on my work friends. They always ask me to come out but I always don’t have it in me. Act like I’m too tired to make new real friends since I’m comfortable with my other groups. Then get fomo that they seem closer to each other at work. I’ll make more of an effort
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u/Severe-Grab5076 5h ago
Maybe that's why my friendships works better now after high school. I've known how to stay away from people I deem not a good friend, I keep good friends and treat them good. I communicate, hang out, and just generally give my presence to my friends so when I'm out and not alright, they understand me and checks me out.
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u/Commercial_Tip4624 4h ago
I used to show up to everything and for everyone. Then I went through the worst event of my life and became depressed and I didn’t hear a single word from any of them. I’ve climbed back out of hell and suddenly everyone wants to catch up. I’m not planning on investing any time in any kind of relationship for the next few years. I’ve wasted too much time neglecting myself and giving to others.
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u/Sanquinity 6h ago
I'm an introvert. I don't care if "my social battery ran out". I will be at that birthday for at least 2 hours dammit. Feels like a lot of people simply don't want to put any real effort into friendships anymore.
As for my personal story for this: I used to have a friend from highschool who I kept being friends with until age...26 or something? I drove a motorcycle so his excuse was always "I only have a bike or have to walk, you have a motorcycle, you can visit me more easily." So I always visited him. Then I got into a minor accident on my motorcycle which prevented me from leaving the house for the most part for like a month. (It's complicated, but it really was a minor accident.) I told him this. He never visited or even contacted me during that month. So I decided I wouldn't contact him until he at least sent me a message first. He never did. I haven't seen him for like 12 years now.
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u/molotovzav 4h ago
I don't really want friends either. I'm mature enough to understand friendship is a two way street and I won't put the effort in. I'm not lonely, I have a husband. But I legit get my social battery drained by my family and in laws every week, my husband and I are the only introverts in the combined family. I want some time to myself. I like my cat, I like spending time with her too.
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u/Purpleheather93 3h ago
Yeah, I'm the same way ... work itself drains my social battery to the point that I really don't want to see anybody outside of work hours, unless they're my immediate family or like one close friend. My problem is I've been "adopted" by a friend group that I don't really want to be a part of but can't get out of without hurting anyone's feelings. Sometimes I worry that I'm a psychopath or something because I just legit do not care about making friends.
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u/Fainaigue 5h ago
If I have a friend, that I can talk to about important stuff outside of events. Hold conversations with, sit alone and and be quiet with, share interests and be supportive of each other, A friend that I can talk to a year from now without making contact for whatever reason and pick up right where we left off? And they tell me that they don't feel well physically or mentally to be the person that I love in their fullest. They can miss whatever the hell they want.
Friendship isn't just about showing up and if that is all you base it on then be ready for a disappointing and tumultuous life.
Expecting that someone is present just because you exist is the most selfish thing I can think of. People have lives and I don't judge them for missing events. You may plan to be somewhere but I sure as shit am not holding my entire friendship on that.
Heck even if we're not that close, and you say you can't make it. This isn't a job, I don't need a reason, or a doctor's note and I'm not keeping track of what you miss or how many times you missed things.
I get we need connection and validation, but get OVER yourself. Be present. Enjoy the event and hope that everything is okay. Check in later, catch up and have a story to share.
And yes there are certain circumstances that call for a little more attention but 95% of the time, I respect that people get overwhelmed and have their own lives happening when I ask if they want to be somewhere.
I keep everything an open invitation. "Hey, I'm doing this/ going here, meet up if you want. I'll be there from x-y."
Also the idea of throwing your own birthday party to celebrate yourself and getting mad that people don't show up is a scenario that is just filled with narcissism. I don't know why I'm friends with a narcisit. Probably the reason I didn't show.
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u/nthensome 6h ago
'no one wants to BE a friend:
Yes. Many of them do. I do.
That's kinda what being a friend entails.
Perhaps OP just has shitty friends.
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u/Slarg232 6h ago
I mean, that's probably the issue as well. Sometimes all you have available at your current moment is just shitty "friends".
When I was younger/less mature, I had a ton of people I thought I was close to and I'd go to all their birthday parties/whatever they had planned... but none of them would show up to mine. Like she'd invite 13 people, we'd all show up, she wouldn't show up to her own birthday party, she'd apologize and set up another one the following week and everyone would show up again.... And then I'd invite 8 people to mine, give the invites out plenty of time in advance, and no one would show up.
I stopped talking to them ages ago and it did so much for my mental health. The only one I still talk to cuts my hair, but the moment I mention "I'm getting friends together to do X" it's just an immediate "I'm going to be busy that day, whatever day" even if I didn't invite her. She's always busy, yet posts constantly about parties/whatever she's going to. And somehow she thought I'd be receptive of her making a pass on me when she got a divorce....
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 5h ago
Last year I was putting together a costume party for halloween. I planned for it during september so people could reasonbly plan it out. I even picked a date specifically so one person could show up. I thought about inviting only 15 people due to space constrains, but figured, what the hell, I'll make it work and invited 20 people.
None showed up....zero, zilch. I got to see cancelation after cancelation, "sorry can't go" after "sorry can't go? roll on in. That really fractured me and none of them gave a shit. And here I am one year later cutting them out and none seem to even notice I'm gone.
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u/Slarg232 5h ago
I didn't even get cancellations. No apologies, no contact. Just me, thinking I had people I could consider friends, excited for the 8 of them to show up.... and an hour later I went home, because no one did.
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u/Dragonrider1955 5h ago
I don't think people understand what the social battery means here. Most often than not social battery doesn't mean "Oh I just don't really know how to interact/ little tired to hang out." When your social battery is empty that means you can not handle people to any functioning capacity.
When I tell my friends that I can't show up because of my "social battery" what I mean is the entire world is causing me distress and pain and I can't navigate interactions. I am forgetting words or I lost the ability to speak. Lights and sounds are distressing me or causing me pain. I can't put together coherent events or my body aches in such a way that I am just miserable and will bring them down.
This post really just sucks for those that use these terminologies in their disabled circle because that's where these terms originated from. I don't know if it's just being picked up in spaces but I personally haven't seen anyone use these words that were not chronically Ill or neurodivergent in some way. I am so so lonely and struggle maintaining friends because I am constantly exhausted and hurting and no amount of "Oh well if you were their real friend then you would show up." Will make me be able to see them properly.
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u/fatkidking 6h ago
Hanging out with my friends is one of the only activities that re-charges my social battery
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u/whovianlogic 4h ago
Being a good friend, especially with neurodivergent friends, also involves respecting a friend’s boundaries and being okay with them not showing up to an event because “social battery ran out.” That part took me much longer to learn than “you have to show up.”
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u/TeekTheReddit 6h ago
Ain't that the fucking truth.
I have a phone full of friends that will never be the ones to initiate a call or send an out of the blue text or make a plan to do something. How much or little we interact is entirely dependent on the amount of effort I put into maintaining contact.
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u/hybbprqag 4h ago
This is my superpower as a friend. Any time I say I'm going to show up, I show up. I plan very carefully so that once I commit to an event, I don't have to cancel unless it's a genuine emergency. I'm not great at organizing events, so I really cherish my outgoing planner friends and show up for them as often as I'm able.
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u/Grentain 4h ago
As one of the greats, H.P. Baxxter of Scooter, once said - "The only way to have a friend, is to be a friend."
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u/Torture-Dancer 3h ago
People gotta start realizing that making a friend a solid is really solid when it is kinda inconvenient, else not doing it would just be a bitch move.
Same with putting effort in friendships. Yeah, mental health and rest and all that is important, but if your best friend is celebrating their birthday, you may have to go unless you have an actual good reason, and if not, well, maybe you two arent that good friends
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u/GeckoPerson123 3h ago
i used to be the one that initiated all the hangouts, i rarely texted first for casual convo but i always tried to bring everyone together to hang. im an introvert. it was so tiring and the friendships always felt so surface level. i used to chase the kind of deep vulnerable friendship i had with my bff in school but it never happened as an adult.
i became jaded and grew tired of friendships and feeling emotionally dissatisfied so i gave up on deep connections and decided to be more buddy with my friends and keeping them at an arm's length and its honestly working much better for me.
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u/ShittyOfTshwane 1h ago
I would also add that you need to be more tolerant of fauxs pas and things you might interpret as slights against you. Not every poorly delivered joke or playful tease is bullying. Sometimes a well-intentioned joke bombs. That's just how it goes.
Not every cancelled event is a sign that your friends are avoiding you. People get sick or tired or something more urgent comes up.
Not every delayed response to your texts is ghosting. People can have shit to do and still want to talk to you eventually.
You need slightly thicker skin to have friends, too.
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u/Non_noob4304 58m ago
Making friends takes work and can only be done in certain situations. Maybe you guys are in the same career for a long time or you saved each other in the military or something similar. I also text them every month and see them on a holiday if they are still here.
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u/Odadelyus138 46m ago
I guess I'm a weirdo. Friends are nice and all and I have like 3 good friends I somewhat keep up with, but also I am so perfectly fine on my own. There's so many things in the world to learn about or do, I genuinely don't understand how someone could ever feel bored or lonely.
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u/BiteyCats 6h ago
Part of growing up is realizing that you get what you give, and that everyone is living their own life. You can't sit there expecting a friend group to adopt you.
Social skills are something that need to be practiced, and too many people are hiding behind their phones claiming to be introverts. Well, you can't sit on a couch for 5 years and expect to run a marathon, just like you can't recluse and then expect to enjoy parties.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 5h ago
I've noticed a huge uptick in selfishness in recent years. People talk about Boomers being selfish, but put a gen Xer, millenial or genz or alpha in those times and they'd make all the same decisions. I pretty much stopped talking to so many people because all people want to talk about is themselves constantly.
They can talk about their work schedule, their favorite pokemon, their feelings and everything for hours. But when it comes to you talking about yourself? Couldn't care less and want to leave the conversation soon as they can. Or move on to someone else so they can talk about themeselves or drama.
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u/randomredditacc25 5h ago
or they just go "yeah" when you say something and go back to yapping about themselves.
they also only wanna talk to you when they want to, dont bother trying to talk to them first.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 5h ago
Or the
"Oh I don't know what that is *silence*" when you try to mention like a movie or show or anything you've seen or done.
Of course when they say they saw movie and you ask them about it, what they liked about it, if they've seen things similar to it and, you know, ask them questions to show your engaged, they can't even be assed to ask for further details
Like, mother fucker you can ask questions like I have and you saw me do. But I guess it's not about them so who cares right?
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u/randomredditacc25 5h ago
its very strange of them, they treat certain people like sound boards.
i feel like why am i even standing here talking to this person? you could swap me out with anyone, they dont give af about me.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 5h ago
I once had a work collegue, who I never once talked to before at all, sit down right next to me and just start spilling his life story when I sat down for lunch. His journey from Kenya, him getting his law degree, his multiple surgeries, everything and again, all I did was sit down for lunch, I didn't even ask him, he just walked up to me.
He didn't even ask me for my name until he had to leave. I must have "dumping grounds" written on my face somewhere this happens so often.
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u/koscheiskowska 6h ago
I don't go to my classmate's birthday because I'm not invited, simple as that
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u/unfamiliarplaces 5h ago
I have like three friends. They're not in a group, I've met them at different stages in my life. The oldest is just like me, only a handful of friends and we struggle with groups and prefer one on one. For her 47th birthday this year she invited her friends to meet up at a local pub. So low stakes, minimum effort, and I was still not wanting to go after work. The very last thing I wanted to do was shower and pick an outfit and do my hair and leave the house. The entire time I was getting ready I was miserable. But I made myself do it bc I love her, and when I got there I actually had a great time. My social battery was low, I didn't have the energy to go, but I made myself anyway bc I care about the people I choose to have in my life. We are rapidly losing community and showing up is how you build it.
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u/ResponsibleDouble180 1h ago
It's just like going to the gym sometimes - you don't wanna go but you know it's good for you and after you're super glad you did it.
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u/StratoSquir2 6h ago
I used to try to be a friend.
I've done my share ammount of efforts, setting up hangouts, listening to peoples, sharing things with them.
But truth is "friendship" isn't a everlasting thing unfortunately.
At some point they either change, or move.
In both case, you will lose them.
And while it's easy when you're young and around other young peoples, once you get a job and turn into a adult, it becomes almost impossible.
Everyone has shit to deal with, everyone is too tired to do anything but stay-at-home.
and no-one is interested into connecting with strangers or god forbid, co-workers.
FriendrR isn't a thing.
By some point you just emotionally checks-out really.
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u/Confident-Sock-3580 5h ago
I’ve been guilty for this for so many years. I actively try to go if I can now
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u/gaussybo 5h ago
I held my group really strong, and I did it selflessly. I would show up when friends wanted to meet, and organise things.
Now my friends are married, I ain’t. I already see it being difficult to maintain it. Just made peace with it that it’s a phase.
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u/Open-Committee-998 5h ago
As the one who’s more often than not putting in the effort, the struggle is so real. It’s always “if you want me in your life then you’ll make the effort” but if I say that, then it’s “friendship goes both ways, you have to put in the effort too”. I’m well aware that I desire my friends more than they desire me, because if I don’t put in the effort for both of us, then there won’t be any relationship. As I always say, I am the friend of convenience, meaning I’m better than nothing until someone more convenient comes around. Such is life, however.
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u/MarkIIMarathon 4h ago
I really enjoy being the friend my friends call when they need help with something. Sure, it’s not often, and I may not know what I’m doing (like replacing a sports bike chain), but I’m always happy to help and we’re still spending time together.
Friendship (especially now that I’m 30) takes effort from both people equally. Do I wish I had more friends? Absolutely! Especially as someone who doesn’t have many friends who are child free and able to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. I absolutely do cherish the friends I have though, and if I could give them the world I would.
Marriage is wonderful, and I absolutely love being married. Friends are equally as important, though! Everyone should be able to have friends they can do stuff with, gossip with, lean on, be the one to be leaned on, etc.
It’s true. Everyone needs a friend.
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u/cachitonoseastoxico 4h ago
I'm the friend that always tries to show up and I rarely get bored and I like to help to do chores and I'm almost always open to meet new people, I wish there were more people aware of this.
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u/Hot_Break7088 2h ago
People can "find difrent uses" for their friends. Even tho I`m the low energy one, they still love me for deep talks and emotional (and tech, lol) support
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u/Lerkpots 2h ago
I've had only online friends for years now because none of my school friends bothered keeping in touch after graduation, so it's pretty easy to show up to a Discord call and shoot the shit or play games or watch stuff together.
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u/Impossible_Tea_7032 1h ago
you know what whips ass is falling out of your years-long habit of calling someone weekly/fortnightly/monthly long enough to realize they never call you and wondering if you were just bothering them that whole time
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u/shreddiee 1h ago
You have to do favors to get favors. Same applies with friendships; you have to show up for people if you want them to show up for you.
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u/ThreeDotsTogether 1h ago
And then you show up to the party, and your classmate is too busy talking to everyone else to bother talking to you. So you try to talk to other people at the party, but it's loud, hard to hear each other, and they've already formed their own exclusive small groups while you weren't there.
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u/Ok_Cricket_1410 1h ago
The only person in my life that I feel like is this type of friend for me is my ex girlfriend. We became friends again in early July after a decade of not speaking. She's an incredible woman, always was, she makes me feel genuinely cared about. Even though some days we only send each other 2-3 messages she's my biggest supporter. I'd do anything for her, and honestly I do believe she'd do anything she could for me. That's kind of disappointing though since we didn't speak for a decade and during that time I had nobody. Even the person I adopted as my little sister I'm not sure cares? That's not the right word I know she cares dearly, but if I didn't message her first she'd never talk to me and it hurts a bit. I try really hard with other people. Being there to be an ear, give advice, I gave a friend a switch for him and his kids, help people with addiction, abuse and so on. I can't even date because I'm uniromantic, and it kills me. Even with my ex girlfriend in my life I'm deeply alone since she has 4 kids and is super busy. My dog is my only constant, my dog has kept me grounded, my dog is my friend. Damn these posts make me depressed.
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u/Rough_Shame6787 47m ago
Honestly, being the one friend who cares more is always shitty. I used to give soooo much, all my love and attention but I've started to match their energy. Feels so weird and unlike me but I'm sick of waiting for them to put in the same efforts.
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u/PinkOneHasBeenChosen 13m ago
I’m on the other end of this. I try to arrange stuff and people are busy or they just don’t respond.
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u/Graybeard_Shaving 6h ago
TBF, I’m not going to my classmates birthday because “I don’t fucking care”. That said, I’m not in the new friend’s market. I’m in the leave me alone market. Plenty of friends, plenty of family, rock solid partner. I’m done.
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u/ZippyVonBoom 6h ago
I will flake on birthdays and social events. But when my friend actually needs me, it's non-negotiable. Need a DD, help moving, car broke down, etc. I'm there.
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u/jdlyga 4h ago edited 4h ago
This reminds me of this bit of relationship advice I heard the other day: “The one person in the world you should be nicest to is your partner.” And it’s like, yeah no shit. Who doesn't know they need to be nice to the person they're in a relationship with. But think about it, how nice are you on a daily basis to your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife of 10 years, husband of 15 years with twins who don't sleep through the night. If you actually go into each day thinking, "Today I’m going to be really nice and sweet to my partner". I feel like you’d end up with a pretty great relationship. Because we’re often naturally patient, polite, and considerate with coworkers, friends, our boss, even random strangers. Then we forget to give that same version of ourselves to the person we love the most.
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u/FuriDemon094 3h ago
If I go out somewhere and I’m completely exhausted of social interaction, you’re going to get a miserable time with me around
I do it to keep the energy good; not because I don’t want to be around someone
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u/Aoife-Darling 2h ago
Wildly controversial take apparently but you can be a good friend and also take care of yourself. And good friends won't give you shit when taking care of yourself means not being available and "on" 24/7.
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u/_AcuteNewt_ 5h ago
There's a difference between "normies who just can't be fucked and want an excuse to not" and "genuinely overwhelmed, exhausted, whatnot, but want to but can't" and normies can't seem to understand that difference.
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u/SerialOnReddit 6h ago
do you want people forcing themselves to go places lol, if someone goes clubbing all the time and then quits on a birthday thats one thing.. but some people just arent doing stuff
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u/menta00000 6h ago
this is not forcing lol? that's a reach. op's just talking about wanting others to be there for you
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u/qualityvote2 7h ago
Heya u/TheWebsploiter! And welcome to r/NonPoliticalTwitter!
For everyone else, do you think OP's post fits this community? Let us know by upvoting this comment!
If it doesn't fit the sub, let us know by downvoting this comment and then replying to it with context for the reviewing moderator.