Conversely. I'm the friend who constantly shows up, is there when people ask, shows up with gifts and surprises and makes the plans just because it makes them happy and get bupkiss back.
I'm done putting firewood into a fire they have no intention of helping maintain and only come to bath in it's light.
It was a lesson I learned early on and found those that did return the favor. For a while, not sure what the hell it is, but it's like people just get bored of me. Like I was the hot new toy to have and now that they've seen all the tricks they've had their fun and rather do something else with somebody else.
This has been my problem for years. I will put a lot of effort in my friendship, drive long distances to see them or go to concerts they like, move stuff for their schedule, etc. But then I don’t get the same level of response back. I have to be the one to initiate everything or they are always too busy and I have to wait for the single pocket of time they are free every four months.
It gets exhausting having to be the one to constantly be the one to reach out, and then also worry if you’re annoying them because they don’t respond quickly or with enthusiasm.
Nah, I'm done. I keep finding my way into groups, becoming their hero, the person they can not believe exists and thanks me everyday. Then after a year or so, they get bored of me and only talk to me when they want something. If I'm not giving, nobody cares. Keeping everything for myself now. I'm done with friends.
I mean, I think I would feel a little weird if I found out that one of my friends views themself as the "hero" because they plan things and give gifts. Like, what does that even mean?
Yeah, my friends are like family, we always try to help if needed, even if it's inconvenient. Moving, car trouble, I've even helped my friend's parents in-law renovate a kitchen because my friend asked. And that goes both ways, when I need help I know I'll get it. It didn't get there accidentally, that's a decade of answering the call, offering a hand, and asking for help when needed.
And good friends don't drain my social battery like other people. They're my friends because I like their company, so social events with them are always a blast.
well, then you're never getting past being a stranger to your friends. relationships are risky because you're showing who you are and the others do so too. sometimes it works out and sometimes it just doesn't and you move on from that. i hope you grow past your comfort zone one day.
I don't think those exist. There's two sets of people in this world: those who breathe a sigh of relief when I don't show, and those who don't invite me in the first place.
Constantly complaining about this stuff is probably what’s turning people away, maybe if you just cut the doomerism people would actually wanna hear you out. The whole “I’m always the problem, woe is me” shit IS the problem
I don't. I don't know what I'd do if I ever showed up. Probably stand in a corner, drink too much, and bother someone by droning on about some stupid hobby of mine.
Who cares? They're either effeminate, like riding horses, childish, like building with Legos, or a red flag like collecting firearms & militaria. It's all stuff I should shut up about (and honestly all stuff I should just stop doing).
That doesn't necessarily mean they want you to accept the invitation, just that it's socially necessary to extend it. It's expected you'll know if you're actually wanted there or not and respond accordingly.
if youre regularly turning down your friends invitations because youre assuming something about their intent, then youre just feeding your own misery by cutting people off.
I am not sure what you want here. Why are you keep replying to people if you want to avoid bothering people?
Its understandable if you want to vent but i dont think this is the right place to do it.
Also please do get help. It seems you need it.
How should I know what I want to hear? A loud crack and then nothing? For my acquaintances to admit they don't want me around instead of being polite and giving me hope?
So what do you need to change so you aren't that person?
If you don't like how you are, change yourself. One of the greatest misunderstandings in the younger generations is the notion that "who you are" is immutable and that you and everyone around you should simply accept it. You can absolutely make a choice to be different.
Go back sixteen years and move out at the end of high school. Get a real degree before I got too dumb for it. Don't get the DUI and hit & run unattended. Not be such an annoying person, learn to shut up about my interests.
Unless you've a time machine in your pocket, I don't think that's happening.
You have interests? Heck, that's more than I had when I considered myself friendless during a dark period.
I think that's a great starting point. Many real connections are made through shared interests. I ended up joining a boardgame crowd through MeetUp and made a few strong friendships through it.
If you can open yourself up, I'm sure you'd find success there assuming it's something you even want. Regardless, I wish you luck and much happiness. I worry you're too critical of yourself.
A DUI isn't being irresponsible, it's consciously making a choice to put my own convenience (or ego, in my case, since I wanted it to be a death that looked accidental - instead I just bounced) above the possibility of hurting or killing other people on the road. It's not even about hating myself, I just don't deserve forgiveness for it, and by extension I don't deserve happiness, friends, a decent life.
I like solving cubes. When I get overwhelmed in social events I'm not being paid to be at I just abruptly leave the room and start solving puzzles. I'm BORING. I'm strange. I'm way too much at times and overthink the most basic social norms. Still, I have a loving friend group and people who get me.
I'm sure your people are out there, if you ever care to look.
•
u/FloppieTheBanjoClown 14h ago
Being a good friend is foundational to having good friends. You will never build real friendships of you arent the kind of person who shows up.