My father makes me want to kill myself. i am at a point in my life where he has utterly and completely destroyed my life. I'm turning 22 and he has been constantly sabotaging my education for the past 3 years. im turning 22, at an age where most people graduate but i haven't even started. i have no qualifications for finding a remote job and he barely even financially supports me now.
I've been extremely sheltered all my life, not even allowed to go to the corner store alone even at my big age. my parents dont give me an ounce of freedom or privacy because of their own mental illnesses and paranoia. I've lost almost every single friend in my life because of my parents and how miserable they make me. anything im invited to, i cant do. any spontaneous hangout, any event thats too far from home, voice calls etc they make everything so difficult to the point its impossible. not to mention him sabotaging my education for so long has made me so shame filled and embarrassed that i had to forcefully ghost so many people because i had no choice.
i don't have my own room so i cant practice any hobbies i want. i want to call my friends, paint, draw, exercise but the lack of privacy makes it near impossible. trust me I've tried, my mom glares and mocks me for doing anything. she makes me feel like my existence is a mockery, a humiliation. i can't even cry or be depressed in peace as it's always labled as "dramay" and attention seeking. they talk shit behind my back call me ungrateful and dramatic whilst simultaneously making my life hell.
since 2024 I've been trying to get into a good university and since 2024 my dad has been constantly sabotaging my education. he changes his narrative every single day, one day we're moving to another city the next day were staying here. over and over and over again its about to be 3 years and I'm still not in university because of his bullshit. he acts like a toddler who cant make a simple decision and i have to live with the consequences. dare i oppose and i think he will beat the living hell out of me. I'm so scared of him, but I'm more so disgusted. he has extreme anger issues, he is a narcissist and we all have to take the blame for his incompetence of being a father and a provider.
i pulled my weight this year and studied so hard to get into nust, mind you he supported me, encouraged me and made me feel hope that maybe I'll be able to finally join University this year. mind you he supervised my entire nust application down to which campuses i applied to, at that moment he NEVER spoke up about the fact that we cant live in this city. i got in nust and once again he sabotaged it completely. he applied to another university in another city for me behind my back and somehow i got in even when i didnt give their test. i cried, i protested, i starved myself for days in hopes that maybe just maybe they will let me go to nust. it didnt work, he's a heartless monster. i begged for 3 entire days to pay my nust fee or my seat will be permanently gone, i begged and begged and begged. they didn't listen.
they promised me they will all move to the new city together and we'll all live there and i could start my university there. they gave me their word and i foolishly fell in his trap. he promised me, he made me believe that I'll be going to university this year. days pass by, absolutely no efforts to move at all. i knew deep in my heart from the start that I'll be wasting another year. i tried so hard to push that feeling, i tried so hard to hope i almost believed things would get better. i prayed and prayed and prayed, i almost made peace with the fact that nust is out of the equation as long as i can join this other university and wont have to live alone with my father. oh how wrong i was.
days pass by and he makes absolutely no effort to go that city to find a place in the new city, he tells us to pack that we're moving this day yet when the day comes it's all crickets. he's now telling me to drop my semester and join from 2027 instead since he cant find a place in such a short time. i screamed, i cried like a baby. the only thing my mom had to say to me was "tum jitna marzi rou gao dramay karo mai baba se tumharay liye baat nhi karungi" I'm completely abandoned by both of my parents once again.
the only other option i have is to go and join University in a foreign city with my dad alone or drop it for another year. when they PROMISED me that we'll all move together. this PROMISE was the basis of why they made me drop nust. i CAN NOT live alone with my father. i absolutely detest that man, hes filthy, lazy, unemployed an absolute slob and has no respect for anyones hardwork, he's the most inconsiderate person i know. he ignores me and i KNOW he will make me miserable beyond words. I'll just be begging for basic necessities or paying hefty delivery fees to order shit at home as i am not even allowed to go to the grocery store. i am running out of money already, how can i afford this lifestyle.
i spend almost 30k from my saving preparing to move, let me remind you my father barely supports me financially because he's unemployed and refuses to get a job. my savings have massively shrinked with no guarantee of getting any pocket money in the future. I can't find a job because i have no qualifications and even if i did, my parents would never let me do anything that requires going out of the house. they'd never let me leave the house. i have no privacy at home so i can't start online tuitions to earn some money. no one is giving our remote jobs to useless people like me. i have no freedom to go outside and i have barely any friends left. even the ones i have left are all busy in their own lives. no one has time for a miserable loser like me.
I'm at a point in my life where i have nothing at all and i genuinely wonder why has God not killed me yet? why does this happen to me. time after time i dare to hope and I'm reminded in the most cruel way why i stopped being hopeful in the first place. i never want to lose hope in Allah but my situation makes me so miserable i contemplate ending it all every single day. i have prayed tahajud for almost this entire year, praying that i can join University and be free from this hellhole, praying that i get my own room so i can ATLEAST cry without it being called "dramay". praying that God removes this hatred in my heart for my father as i know Allah doesn't like those who hate. at this point i just want to end it all, i dont want to hope anymore. i know even when 2027 starts my father will be back on his bullshit again.
there's genuinely nothing left for me in this life anymore. no education, no freedom, no privacy, no friends, no qualifications, no money. i feel like I'm a caged animal, a pet my parents bought but deeply regret buying so they shove it in a cage and pretend to move on with their lives. parents think only they have rights, why do they forget that their kids have rights too. i never asked to be born, i know what a burden i am and i wish i was never born too. i wish God didnt make suicide haram, trust me i cry everyday contemplating if eternal hell is worth it in exchange for freeing my family of the burden that i am. if there was even a miniscule chance that i wont burn in hell forever I'd do it in a heartbeat.