When I started believing I did so partly because I thought it would help me find a path to follow. Clarity for what I am supposed to do with my time on this earth. One of the biggest problems throughout my whole life is I never have any idea what to do with my life. Everyone one else I know knows. Even people I've met who say they don't know what they want to do at least have an idea of where to look. I have nothing. No motivation, no ideas, no passion, Im just floating here.
Genuinely if I vanished into dust tomorrow not one person would care. Most wouldn't even notice. My parents would be upset for a few months maybe at most, then back to normal. My roommates are my only friends and they would only care if I was gone because they'd then have to cover my share of the rent. My job would have a new hire to replace me within a week.
I can't stand not knowing what to do or where to go in life. No matter what I look into, or try, nothing. Even God didn't give me an answer. Ive been in a rut for months now. I can't even bring myself to go to my perish anymore, I haven't for a month now. I might go to mass tomorrow night just to tell the office to unenroll me from the RCIA classes I was signed up for.
It isn't that I don't want to do it, but I just think it would just be an insult to God at this point to expect to show up like I'm not a piece of crap and eventually get baptized. I've read the whole bible now, went to church for a year and I still feel like I never met God. I still don't understand anything about him. I still have no clarity.
I'm certain God wouldn't want someone who can read his whole book and still know nothing, still be an alcoholic, still be addicted to porn, still be so angry all the time, still hate where he is in life but not know how to change it or where to even begin. this is clear by the fact I haven't met him, or if I did, I wasn't a good enough person to even notice.
I do believe in God, I have since I was a child despite my non believing family and parents. I believe he is right in all things and that he can help people beyond what they can imagine, and that's wonderful. My problem is that I'm getting to a point I don't know if I believe he will help me specifically. And if that's the case, then I deserve it. Fair. But Id be lying if I said that isnt scary to think about.
Im sorry if this didn't really stay on topic or felt rant-y. Like I said, alcoholic. I was drunk writing this. I just don't have anyone to tell my thoughts to.
I just needed to vent I guess.