I don’t even know what to say. We had a huge family dispute back in April, I left the chat and cut some family members off for the sake of my sanity and mental health. I was just added back to the family chat giving that they all apologized for what they said and how they treated me. I scrolled up and realized I was able to see the chat history. Everyone was talking about me like I was some piece of shit. I the lies spewing on how I steal and bully my parents. It’s unreal how little my own family actually knows me. I’m the only one who cares for my mother and father, I’m the only one who cooked and did their laundry, mowed the grass, cleaned their vehicles, even cleaned the house top to bottom. I really don’t know how to feel right now, I don’t know whether I should go along with it and pretend we’re this big happy family or just stick to being the lone wolf aka black sheep. I now understand why my two brothers who were always there for me through thick and thin were upset and what they were saying. I understand now why they didn’t want to tell me. I apologize, just don’t have anyone to really vent to. I felt like I needed to let that out.

I am 42 and this is only the 2nd time in my life that I've utilized government assistance. Both times were temporary.

I got laid off from my job this past June. Thank goodness I have a little bit of a nest egg to fall on for at least a year. I also don't have any kids. Anyway, I do the shit you're supposed to do as soon as you lose your job—file for unemployment, enroll in Medi-cal, and apply for fucking food stamps because an 8oz. jar of cream cheese in Long Beach CA is $6.49 at the local Ralph's. 😒 I am also a full time student taking 13 units. I've worked hard all my life and with that, paid into a system that perpetuates the illusion that it will care for its people when they fall on hard times.

Anyway, I just got my approval letter from CalFresh, and they are "awarding" me a whopping $23 a month. That's only 3.54 8oz jars of cream cheese in this economy. It's insulting. I'm not trying to cheat the system nor do I even want to be on government assistance. This shit makes me so fucking angry and does nothing but make me want to grind even harder to finish my degree and ultimately go into business for myself. I want to stack even more money by investing and marketing myself, skills, and talents. I also want to help those around me that want to also help themselves. This shit is for the birds. Time to jump out of my comfort zone a bit more. Be well, folks.

Edit: I understand cream cheese is a luxury, hence why I didn't buy it. I didn't save money over the years by having fucked up priorities. I grew up poor, so it taught me to be frugal. The cream cheese was just an example of how ridiculously priced everything is.

My (42m) stepmom (72f) passed in her sleep last night. She's been with my father since I was 5.

4 years ago, when my father and stepmom retired, they were facing financial hardship. My wife and I were looking to buy our first home around that time, so we cooked up the idea to find a place with an in-laws quarters to accommodate them. We moved in together July of '22.

My stepmom was a pretty awful person. She was egotistical, carried petty grudges, went out of her way to be mean. She was also awesome. A radical activist in the '70s, a flight attendant who traveled the world, a fling to Tom Petty and Emerson Fittapaldi and Jackson Brown. She lived a huge life loudly.

She also was my dad's mistress, and broke up my parents' marriage. The divorce took 2 years and was a bitter, tumultuous part of my childhood. The custody battle lasted 6 years. My dad was a drunk who didn't want to be wrong.

My dad is the greatest guy in the world now. He's learned and grown so much since I was a kid, and we have a terrific relationship. And he's fucking devastated today. She was the love of his life.

I've known this woman for 37 years, and I'm rocked by her passing, but I'm more worried about my dad than anything else. I don't feel sadness or grief at her passing. Just fear for what it means for my dad.

I don't know where we go from here, but I needed to vent this. Thanks for reading, redditor.

Went out with friends over the weekend. We had had some gin at home so I was just taking ciders to keep the buzz going. At some point, my drink tasted funny, so I stopped taking it. I got violently ill in the bathroom, threw up and passed out in the club. I woke up in bed a few hours later. My bf paid the cleaning fee and got me home.

My friends keep joking about how I was such a mess even when I told them that my drink tasted funny. My bf admitted that one of our "friends" was spiking my drinks with whiskey. This is after he complained about how much money he spent on paying for cleaning and getting me home. I paid him back. I feel awful. I have an aversion to going out with anyone now. I'm scared that this will happen again. I'm reconsidering my relationships with most people.

EDIT: It's really validating to read all your comments. I thought I was overreacting because no one else seemed to care. I'm just happy that sb sees my perspective. Thank you.

EDIT2: I know who spiked my drink. It was sb who regularly tries to make women drink more than they should. I called him a "friend" because he is sb I had considered a friend before, but his actions make him a threat, not sb I would hang out with.

I don’t know what “earthy” means. I don’t know what “notes of tobacco” means. I have never once tasted “dark cherry” in anything that was not literally a cherry.

I just swirl the glass, stare at it like it personally disappointed me, take a sip, and say something like “that’s surprisingly smooth.”

People nod.

Sometimes they agree with me.

This has gone too far.

Last month someone asked me what I thought of a bottle and I said, “It has a really confident finish.”

A CONFIDENT FINISH.

That means nothing.

They said, “Exactly.”

I am now living in fear that one day an actual wine person is going to ask me a follow-up question and my entire decade-long fraud will collapse in front of everyone.

I feel like I lost everything. I spent 10 years healing myself through chronic illness just to finally fully heal start looking great after 10 years of being bed ridden. Enjoyed my good looks and pain free life for 6 months and then lost it all by breaking my spine in a car accident. Currently only sleeping 3-4 days a week in extreme amounts of pain. Lost my good looks. My teeth enamel is thinned way out, gained tons of weight. Idk. I was so happy and excited to live this life. Now I'm back to my cage.

I effectively escaped chronic illness, lives in normal life for six months and then got catapulted back into chronic pain hell.

What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you that didn't need to happen?

TLDR; I used to believe everything happens for a reason (still believe in god) but now I soley just believe life just happens.

go be with your blonde princesses and leave me the fuck alone

you daydream about it being her dont you? both of them i bet, because you decided to date a woman you weren't attracted to and now you're making us both miserable

i don't understand why you wont try and shoot your shot, oh wait it's because you know she would reject you like she did alllll those years ago

so instead you try and find the teeniest tiniest blondes because if you can't have her in reality, you'll atleast have her in your head

im not blonde, not porcelain, not a model, not an entrepreneur

im poor, fat, ugly, and dark

she not only looks down on me in terms of leagues, but she will forever be looking down on me from the fucking stars

and you will forever be looking up in awe

gooners are a curse upon the earth

I need to get this off my chest because the sheer cruelty of what happened to me growing up still sits like lead in my chest, and I need an objective perspective on whether I'm crazy for holding onto this pain.

When I was around 8 years old (8F, 2nd grade), my family lived in a rented house. The landlady’s daughter came to visit for Chhath Puja with her kids. One of her children was a boy named Rohan (then 12M). We were just kids, and like many childhood stories, we started off squabbling over trivial things. But over those four short days, I developed the most innocent, uncorrupted, purest crush on him. It wasn’t about anything physical; it was just the sheer, glowing happiness of an 8-year-old. After those four days, he left. I had to wait months and years just to catch a fleeting glimpse of him whenever he visited his grandmother over a 5-year period.

By 5th grade (11F), I finally found his Facebook. I was young, awkward, and terribly cringe—I messaged him, but the interaction was minimal.

Fast forward to 2019. I was in 6th grade (13F), and Rohan was in 10th grade (17M). He came to town unexpectedly during Navratri and messaged my Facebook account. My elder sister, Priya (18F), saw the message first. Instead of handing me the phone, she pretended to be me and started chatting with him under my name.

At first, I was over the moon just seeing his name on the screen. I didn’t care that Priya was typing; I was just naive and happy that he was engaging. For three days, Rohan sent flirty messages—calling me pet names, saying he liked me. I was floating. But as soon as he went back home, reality hit like a brick wall: he blocked my account on every single platform. I spent an entire year heartbroken, making alternative accounts, trying to figure out what I did wrong, only to get blocked every time.

A year later, Priya (now 19F) sent him a request on Instagram from her own account. He accepted instantly. They started talking daily. One day, Priya asked him directly: "Do you like [My Name]?"

Rohan’s response was harsh: "No, absolutely not." Shortly after, he proposed to Priya, and they began officially dating.

That night was one of the worst nights of my life, but what hurt most wasn't even Rohan—it was my own family. Priya walked up to me, looked me in the eye with a sinister smirk, and sneered, "I’m not even as happy that he proposed to me as I am that I finally showed you the mirror."

The emotional torture didn't stop there. My other sister, Riya (17F), joined in to twist the knife. She came to me in a mocking tone and laid out the most gut-wrenching, cruel line: "He rejected you because of your skin tone. Look at yourself in the light—who would ever choose you over Priya?" They even started laughing about how my childhood longing was just a pathetic joke to everyone involved.

They weaponized every insecurity a 13-year-old girl could possibly have. They engaged in backbiting with him, where Rohan called me an "irritating nuisance" and joked that he only ever entertained the messages because he felt pity for how desperate I was. My sisters actively fed into it, laughing along on speakerphone while I was sitting in the very next room, forced to listen to every word.

Then, Priya started flaunting their relationship directly in my face. She would laugh, read his intimate text messages aloud, and brag, "Look, he said 'I love you' to me! Look what he bought for me! He never even remembered your existence."

She would look me in the eye and say, "I’m going to snatch him away from you completely," only to laugh it off as a "joke" when she saw me freeze. She even had the audacity to ask me, "What would you do if you and I both fell for the same guy?"—as if she hadn't already orchestrated that exact nightmare to humiliate me.

To top it all off, whenever Rohan came over, they would deliberately isolate me, treating me like an embarrassed secret they had to hide, while they paraded their relationship right in front of me. They degraded my appearance, shredded my self-worth, and converted a sweet, innocent childhood memory into an arena for emotional abuse, all to feed an ego trip against a 13-year-old child.

How honest has he (40M) been with you (?F)? Or should I ask how much do you really know about me (42F) and him and us?

I know you now know about me or at least that he shares a home with his “Ex.” What a new term that is! Last week while you were texting, calling one another babe with kissy faces and making plans for your long weekend together did you know I was still wearing my engagement ring?

Did you know that he was going to lie to me about where he was headed for the weekend? Leave me in our home wondering why he’s become more distant and avoidant than he already was. All while I suspect he was going to lie to you about being single and unattached allowing your relationship with him to become physical.

I’m not proud that I went through his phone and that is how I found out about you and what has been happening behind my back. Yet, I wasn’t surprised he continued on with meeting you less than 24 hours after our breakup. After 11.5 years I know him well enough and it was probably that same knowledge that led me to snoop in the first place.

Did he tell you any of these details? I suspect you might still think you just met a nice guy on the internet who now speaks of me in the past tense.

I will also be the first to admit he and I have been unhappy for a long time. I really tried to accept him for who he is. I don’t know if he tried as hard to accept me. The idea of deserving better or deserving more has been floating in my brain for years as our relationship putted along. Though you have to agree this is not a justification for his behavior.

Everyone deserves a partner they can trust with their whole being. After hearing a bit more about me and him and us, do you think you deserve better too?

A few months ago, I moved in with my grandma after finally being removed from my birth mother’s care. I was abused in every way by her and her boyfriend, Erik, who has been in her life since before I was born. He is an extremely abusive and, in my opinion, genuinely horrible person.

There’s a complicated family history behind all of this. Erik cheated on my mum with my dad’s wife. In retaliation, my mum and Erik got together, and my dad’s wife became pregnant with Erik’s child. Six months later My mom got pregnant with me. My mom and Erik eventually got back together, while my dad and his wife stayed together for the sake of their two other children, (they eventually spit up years later).

My dad’s wife cut contact with Erik and didn’t want her daughter around him. At the time, my dad was seeing me, but he was given the choice between staying with his wife and their children or leaving that relationship so he could continue being involved in my life. He chose them.

Because of that, I was left with my mum and Erik and was horrifically abused throughout my childhood, while my biological dad went on to raise the child he believed was his as his own. She still doesn’t know that he isn’t her biological father.

My grandma has now arranged a meeting between me and my dad because she thinks I should get to know him. The problem is, I absolutely do not want to meet him. I’m incredibly angry with him. He knew what kind of person Erik was and still chose to stay with them and leave me behind. While I was being abused, he was living what looked like a happy family life.

I don’t feel like I can forgive him for that, and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will.
My grandma keeps telling me that I should forgive him and that meeting him could help me heal, but I’m dreading the meeting and feel like I’m being pressured into something I don’t want.

Am I wrong for refusing to meet him? Do I owe him a chance because he’s my biological father? And is forgiveness something I should even be considering right now?

Everyone around me in their 20s is obsessed with side hustles, starting businesses, and maximizing every waking hour. I feel so guilty when I just want to sit on my couch, watch reality TV, and do absolutely nothing on my days off. I don't want to be a "boss babe" or grind 24/7. I just want to exist in peace, make enough to pay rent, and be left alone. It feels like a crime to admit that nowadays.

I was helping my dad with some business stuff and I saw zoophilia and inc3st porn in his search history. My dad is not divorced and has two other daughters besides me. I’m very creeped out by this and I feel like I can not even look at my father in the eye. I want to forget but it’s like every time I even look at him I think about it and it makes me want to throw up. I don’t know if telling my mother or him that I saw it will cause further issues in the house or what because I do live in a typically conservative household. I don’t think about it whenever I’m out of the house or anything but I just can’t imagine myself living with this weighing on my chest. What do I do?

I had known my best friend for at least three years. Falling in love with him wasn't difficult; I genuinely believed he was different, and I adored him precisely because of that. I was in love with him for a year, although I was never the kind of person who, when falling in love, shows it too intensely or becomes insistent. I simply tried to help him, comfort him when he was feeling down, and give him the best advice I could. I was his best friend, and I never tried to be anything more.

But several months ago, while we were talking, I casually joked, “If we both end up single, we should date so we won't be alone.” I didn't even say it to provoke anything; it just came to mind because we were talking about our experiences with romantic relationships. But, out of nowhere, that stopped being a joke.

He suddenly confessed that he had loved me for a long time. Obviously, my feelings intensified all at once: years of suppressing what I felt, only for it to finally be allowed to come out. But I didn't do much. I didn't suddenly become overly affectionate or toxic. I was simply happy and allowed my feelings to grow. We decided to wait until we had dealt with some problems and, in the near future, become a couple. Sometimes I would tell him how much I appreciated him and even how much I loved him, although it was only a few words that we had said to each other even when we were just friends. Contrary to what many people might think, no, there was never anything physical between us. The only thing that changed was our feelings, not anything physical or anything else.

Some time passed, and then one night I got drunk. When I drink, I tend to feel very emotional and want to cry, (although alcohol has never been a problem for me because I only drink at family gatherings or with friends, basically almost never). He knew how emotional I became when I drank and even said that he found it funny because he liked my dramatic side.

That time, I cried and asked him why he didn't love me. It was a stupid question, but I wanted him to tell me that he did love me. I didn't even yell at him or demand anything from him. I was just crying and asking him quietly. And No, he wasn't able to tell me that he loved me. He wasn't able to comfort me.

After that night, I never heard from him again, except for one occasion about a month later. But after that, I heard nothing because he blocked me everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

It hurt me deeply, especially because I had always tried to be good to him. I was his support, the person who comforted him, the one who gave him advice, and the person who loved him unconditionally. In his own words, I was “the one who loves me and cares about me the most.” Several times, he told me that he didn't deserve me because I was too good to him.

That's why it hurt so much when he said, “She let me down even worse.” No one understood why he had done that, not even his best friends. The only likely reason was that incident where I cried, and honestly, it seems absurd to me. Why would you stop talking to someone you love just because they cried? I was drunk, completely out of my senses, and even then, that's how he reacted to me. And yes, it may seem like there's a missing detail in the story, but there simply isn't. There is no hidden reason. I was never bad to him. I could swear on everything I love that my only mistake was showing him my deepest feelings and having him belittle them.

In fact, during that one exception when he talked to me for the last time, he told me not to love him anymore, that he only hurt people. I thought it was stupid, but I didn't fight him on it. I simply told him that it was okay and tried to continue our friendship. The only thing I told him was that I had missed him, and then I told him something about my day. But then he disappeared again. I don't even understand why he came back that time only to leave again afterward.

I tried to move on with my life, and for a while, I forgot about him. Until someone told me that he had been asking about me. It affected me considerably, and then I dyed my hair red. That made me remember how much he used to insist that I have red hair because that was the color I had when we met, and it was the color he loved the most on me.

My new best friend—who, coincidentally, is also his best friend—was talking to me on the phone when he suddenly started laughing and said, “Not to tease you or anything, but every time I talk to you, he always messages me. He never talks to me directly, but every time I talk to you, he always messages me.”

We just laughed about it, and then he asked me if I would ever want “him” back. I told him that I probably would forgive him, but that things would never be the same. He immediately cut me off and told me not to do it. I know he was partly joking, but he kept telling me not to be stupid and not to forgive him.

That's when I realized that maybe I really am not as guilty as some people make me out to be. Even the people closest to him criticize him for what he did to me.

My wife (F32) and I (M32) have a beautiful 8-month-old baby girl. She looks exactly like my sister (F20) did when she was a baby.

In my culture, my sister is regarded as conventionally attractive due to her light skin, light colored eyes, and other features. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but to society, she is looked down upon for having darker skin and more prominent features.

When relatives see my baby girl, they comment on how lucky she is to look like my sister, including my parents and siblings. I always shut this down, but people still make comments. Even my wife's family comments on how blessed we are to have a fair child.

My wife's family encouraged her to use bleaching creams on herself as a teenager and has always made her feel bad for her skin color. She still loves them, but my relationship with them is more complicated.

My wife has started to use bleaching creams and is thinking of getting treatments done to lighten her skin.

I feel horrible, and don't want her to make this decision because of stupid comments, but she doesn't want to cut anyone off and wants to just grin and bear through these comments.

There are some cases where people actively choose to transition and that doesn't make them any more consenting to harassment or crimes of course. But a majority of transgender people don't have control over their identity, they are simply trying to have the life that everyone else has or trying to treat dysphoria that is severely affecting everything.

I don't understand why so many people believe it's a choice. Even people who say they are accepting or don't care, even people who aren't wrapped up in rhetoric or world events or people who have transgender folks in their own families, will pose it as a choice or outright call it a choice. How do people see transgender folks suffer so much, and see them also proceed to get treated so horribly and often even lose their jobs or homes or families, and think they are choosing this? If it was a choice, and wasn't so deeply effective, wouldn't a lot these transgender folks just pretend to be straight or say "whatever" and just maintain normal lives? Wouldn't conversion therapy and "consequences" work? Where is the logic and where is this coming from?

I've heard people say "You don't choose your gender." Exactly, you don't choose, and these folks don't have this black and white situation.

I grew up in a small town in a heavily conservative area, and it took me until I was 17 to fully realize and accept that I was gay. When I was 16, I was raped by my then-girlfriend. At the time, I didn't realize it was rape, but there was significant coercion and social pressure to have sex. I first considered it to be rape years later in college when talking to a friend about it. I have a reduced sex drive and find it very difficult to get comfortable when engaging in sexual activities with another person. I’m not really able to do hookups because of this, and it’s hard to find someone willing to go slow in the gay community. I’m mainly here to vent, but I was also wondering if anyone has advice or can relate.

Throwaway because yeah. I (19M) live with my mother (56F), who has been divorced from my father for 10 years. My mom works primarily as a photographer for modeling agencies. Recently, my mom was away for work and I was home by myself. My mom has a personal laptop that she always takes with her, and a desktop that she allows me to use if I need to. I wanted to order something online, so I put the password in the desktop and opened it up.

When it opened up, it showed an open tab of an adult content website with a video playing. It was a woman having sex with multiple men one after the other, and they were all wearing those masquerade masks. For the beginning of the video the woman was on her back spread eagle with the men going on top of her, and the camera was focusing on her private/butt area, so I couldn’t make out the face. Eventually they changed positions and her face was more clear, and I realized it was my mother. I also recognized the men because I’ve gone to some of my mom’s work parties. They are models in their mid to late 20s.

I closed the tab and haven’t spoken about it to her. Obviously she didn’t mean to leave this open. But I’m still in shock with what I saw and what I now know. If this is part of how she puts food on the table, I don’t want her to be ashamed of it. Advice on how to move forward would be nice.

I don’t want to feel like this. I wish I could sleep but i just can’t I hate being awake at night but I just can’t sleep I feel so alone more than usual and I hate it. I don’t know what to do it’s my own fault I’m alone but I still wish it could be different I wish someone cared about me enough to notice how much I’m struggling or at least just notice me at all. Is this how my life is going to be forever am I going to die alone surrounded by nothing but regret and fear.

Throwaway account because I just really need to put this somewhere since I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I love my friends, but they aren't really good at comforting people. I don't blame them because I'm the same way.

Yesterday, after dinner, my parents asked me to open up to them. They'd noticed something off about me for a while now and they wanted to know what was bothering me.

I was terrified of the possibility that they would just laugh at me and think I was being overdramatic (like they had so many times before), but I knew I'd never get another opportunity like this again because I was too afraid to talk to them myself. So, I spilled years of resentment I'd been keeping inside.

For once, they were actually listening to me. They were letting me explain myself and taking it seriously. They even APOLOGIZED for unintentionally hurting me! I was honestly so happy that it didn't go how I expected.

While I was in the middle of talking, I went to my room to grab my phone in order to help them understand my issues with my social anxiety. Just as I was about to go out, I heard my dad laugh.

That laugh instantly crushed me because I knew he was laughing at my "social anxiety". He's told me before that he thought introverts weren't real.

The worst part is that my when my mom told him to stop, her tone made it easy to tell that she, to some extent, felt the same way he did.

I wanted to confront them for it, but I just decided to give up and pretend like I didn't hear them. I gave them my trust (again) by opening up to them (AGAIN) and they laughed at me behind my back like I feared they would.

I'm never going to tell them anything about how I feel ever again. Even if it ends up killing me, I don't care. Anything is better than this.

I’ve been drifting away from my friend for a while. She’s always been emotionally volatile and would rage texted people, lose friendships and relationships etc. it’s been about 8 years of me not enjoying being in the friendship anymore, but she struggled to have any other friends in our hometown (she has no long term friends) and we are both in our 30s.

This weekend she saw me out alone having a drink before leaving the bar, decided I was leaving because I saw her (according to her) and she went nuclear on me in texts before I had even left the parking lot. I didn’t even see her at the bar cause it was crowded. I’m so ok with my decision for the friendship to be over. She already deleted me off of Facebook and Instagram.

I stopped texting first.
That’s literally all I did.
I didn’t announce it, I didn’t get mad at anyone, and I didn’t make some dramatic “I’m done with fake friends” post. I just stopped initiating conversations and making plans.
It’s been almost two months.
And honestly, the silence has been brutal.
People I genuinely thought were close friends haven’t checked in once. No “how are you?”, no random meme, nothing. Some of them I used to talk to almost every day.
The weirdest part is that I don't even think they intentionally abandoned me. I think I just finally stopped doing all the work that was keeping those friendships alive.
I keep telling myself that I shouldn't care, but I do.
It makes me wonder how many relationships in my life are actually mutual and how many only exist because I'm scared of what happens when I stop trying.
I don't really have a point to this. I guess I just needed to admit that it hurts realizing you were important to people only when you were convenient.
Maybe I'm better off knowing.

After much deliberation I have realized and accepted that I’m not as great a person I thought myself to be. I’m not immoral or evil either, as in I do not support bigotry of any kind, I’m not racist, sexist, homophobic etc, but im not great as a person lol. I run after things that I either cannot have, shouldn’t run after or both. I get jealous of other people and the relationship they have with their friends and family. I get jealous that I don’t have that, that I’m not someone who’s important to anyone. I’m jealous of people who are smart and are able to achieve things, while also maintaining relationships. I’m jealous of people who go on outings and vacations with people who love and value them. I’m jealous of the people around me who make it look so easy to have all that. I’m jealous of the people who have other people to check up on them, while I don’t even have anyone who picks my calls. I’m also quite naive. How do you even function in a world while being both naive and jealous and depressed I do not know for I am simply jealous of people who do know. Honestly, Im not cut out for this world.

I always question why can’t i have what they have.

A few months ago, I bought two tickets to a Blue Jays game that also has a retro bag giveaway. Originally, I thought maybe I'd use them for a date. I was in some minor accidents that left permanent scars that killed my appeal, I couldn't work out either so no lookin like Will West.

The past few months have felt like every time I try to do something, something goes wrong. I was having an especially bad couple of weeks and had been spiraling pretty hard. Then I put on one of Jungles songs, come back to me. I found out they were having a concert the day after the Blue Jays game who I planned to go with a friend.

She's the person who called me the most when I disappeared from social media for a while, and the first person I actually left the house to see when I finally came back around. She's also the only friend I have who regularly listens to this band. We've played games together while listening to them, including slowed and reverb versions of their songs.

So I started connecting the dots.

Friday, we'd go to the baseball game. Saturday, we'd go see the band together. Hell maybe we get a hotel room for Friday night. We play some games (+ Junk food) and I finally have someone who I just explain my spiraling mind too, someone to confide in.

For the first time in a while, I remember thinking, I've actually got this figured out.

I felt alive. I felt like I could take on every other struggle in my life. It sounds ridiculous that a concert plan could do that, but it wasn't just a concert. It was something I genuinely loved, shared with someone who actually understood why I loved it, and I finally had something positive to look forward to.

If anyone ever watched the music video to that Jungle song I was deadass hitting those moves.

Then I texted her and asked if she was free Saturday.

She said she was busy.

I was like damn this was the one time I actually bought the tickets first before getting confirmation.

Then she asked what time because she genuinely wanted to make it happen. I told her it was at 8 PM and that it was a Jungle concert.

That's when she told me her boyfriend had apparently been planning to surprise her with tickets to the exact same concert.

I don't blame either of them. He didn't do anything wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. If anything, I completely understand it. He's her boyfriend. Of course he's her first choice. That's just how it is.

But I think that's what hurt.

The person I most wanted to share this with already had someone of her own to share it with.

And I know there are technically other people I could ask. I could probably go alone. But neither feels right. I didn't buy these tickets with a random empty seat beside me in mind. And I don't trust myself to go alone right now. Taking someone else would feel like trying to force a replacement into a plan that was never meant for them.

The weirdest part is that nobody rejected me. Nobody betrayed me. Nobody chose against me.

I just had one of those moments where, for a brief second, everything lined up in my head and I thought, I've actually got this figured out.

And then, through nobody's fault, the universe found an absurdly specific way to make that exact plan impossible.

Maybe I'll still go to the baseball game with her. Maybe I'll find someone else to take to the concert. Maybe I'll sell the tickets (Not like I was flush with cash to begin with). I genuinely don't know. I haven't been sleeping or eating much for a long time, my thoughts scare me. I just can't catch a break. No one knows I almost jumped infront of a train and into oncoming traffic this last week.

I still don't know how I'm gonna handle next weekend, I do want that giveaway bag the Blue Jays are offering been thinking about that for months but I don't think I have it in me to go and lineup (Cause there is a chance you just don't get a bag).

After this I think I gotta be like Frank Castle in Brand New Day. Cringe af reference but I lost my brothers, my mother and a bunch of other people. But I need to be on my own after next weekend, whether or not I do end up going to the blue jays game or Jungle concert.