Let me start with context right out of the gate. My friend is wonderful. Truly. I've known her for 4 years now and we're extremely close. We talk every day and she usually speaks to me with respect and honesty. However, something I've noticed more and more is that when she becomes frustrated, she uses a slow, aggravated kind of tone - the kind that people use to make others feel stupid. I say I don't understand something, and suddenly she's spacing and drawing out her words. "Why.... Are.... You.... Are.... Not.... Getting.... This...."
She's older than me and she's been officially diagnosed as autistic and has told me in the past that she gets frustrated when things don't go the way she pictures them.
A little bit about me. I definitely think that I'm smart. I've got my masters in education, finished writing my first book this year, have academic honors, help work on political democratic-socialist campaigns to try and make life better for others, and love to help anyone whenever and however I can. But I also know that I tend to process things more slowly than others. Writing helps me make sense of everything. I have auditory processing issues, so sometimes I need to hear things twice to put the words into place. I definitely suspect that I'm somewhere on the spectrum as well, though I'm not officially diagnosed, though really I don't even think that's necessarily important to this scenario entirely. Because of this, I tend to give grace to others because I know how hard it can be for myself to not get things the first or second time around.
As stated before, I've got a teaching background. I tend to explain things in ways people will understand and am patient with helping them get there.
My family has consistently made fun of me for this for years, oftentimes calling me "naive" or "ditsy" or speak slowly at me. It's something I talk about a lot in therapy. I've had to really work on my confidence because of it, and it's taken a long time to embrace my own intelligence. It's one of the worst triggers for me. I'm talked down to and I want to curl up into a ball and hide away.
This week has been especially difficult because I'm staying with my friend for a few days. We've lived together before and may do it again, but she recently got a new apartment and she's just set it up the way she likes it, and I've found that I really can't do much without being patronized. A few examples;
- I forgot to wring out the floor towels she uses while showering. She got really short with me and said, "we don't do this, this is wrong" before fixing it herself and going through the steps slowly with me, making almost direct eye contact the whole time. I said, "thank you for explaining. I'll know for next time."
- I didn't close the shower door correctly (it accordions) and she said "I already told you how to do this!" I apologized and said, "I'll try to get it right next time".
- Just one week ago, we were on vacation and had to get through a car gate. I had to ask the hotel to open it over the phone. Her car was halfway through the gate and I didn't noticed, because I was still on the phone. I had the hotel staff in one ear, her voice in the other. It took me until I hung up to realize she was yelling at me. I don't remember the specifics, but it was something like, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS." "YOU SHOULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL I WAS THROUGH THE GATE. WHY DIDN'T YOU WAIT?" "I KNOW YOU WERE ON THE PHONE BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME" "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU" (I will say, with this one, I completely shut down. Nearly burst into tears. I very softly said, "I'm sorry, thank you for explaining it to me." She stopped the car again and immediately apologized. It hasn't happened again.)
- I offered to wash two dishes. She said, "we have a dishwasher, you don't have to." I told her I was fine washing two dishes. She sounded so angry when she said, "Don't."
I'm scared to make mistakes around her, now. She's been extra stressed for some reason and on vacation, she I'm the only one she's with.
I want to make it clear, again, that 98% of the time she is wonderful. This is one of the only things that drives me up the wall. This isn't me asking how to leave the friendship or whether or not I should be moving out or away. It's really just this one behavior.
What I want to do is to explain to her how it makes me feel. I'm so non-confrontational, and I'm honestly afraid of what she'll say. I especially don't know how/when to bring it up.
Maybe I've just been an a**hole this whole time who can't stop messing things up and is truly not understanding, and in that case I get her frustration and need to become less sensitive. I'm really not sure at this point.
Not positive, either, if the smart thing to do is to ask reddit, but I feel as though I need unbiased perspectives.
Thank you!
