r/oneliners • u/TabooDiver • 15h ago
Anyone can masturbate under a sheet, but it's skill that keeps the barber from noticing. NSFW
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r/oneliners • u/breck • 2d ago
I gave a quarter of my $1M lottery win to charity and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 2d ago
I can't go to the innuendo seminar so I've entered my friend instead.
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r/oneliners • u/sevensixthough • 1d ago
I'm working on my Lindsay Clancy standup routine and I've got like three jokes but I think I'm gonna get rid of them
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r/oneliners • u/DutchOfBurdock • 2d ago
I wear the pants in our relationship, but let me just ask the wife!
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 3d ago
I was asked to name 2 structures that hold water, and I was like well, dam.
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r/oneliners • u/NoWanFamous • 3d ago
When you donate a kidney they always take the right one out so that you have one left.
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r/oneliners • u/incredibleinkpen • 3d ago
After my traumatic brain injury my doctor said I need to take one tablet in the morning, and another one in the morning
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r/oneliners • u/OhTheHueManatee • 4d ago
My optometrist says I’m not looking so good, my gastroenterologist says I need to get my shit together, but at least my oncologist says I’m showing real growth.
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r/oneliners • u/Kind_Worry_9836 • 3d ago
I have multiple personalities but they're all called the same name.
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r/oneliners • u/benjimans • 5d ago
Why do people still use imperial when the metric system is objectively 10/10?
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r/oneliners • u/hishamsait • 5d ago
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 5d ago
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
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r/oneliners • u/Denz292 • 6d ago
My doctor recently told me I was colour blind, which shocked me because it came out of the grey.
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r/oneliners • u/whaddayagondo • 5d ago
“Sorry I was late to work, there was bumper to bumper traffic at the Dunkin’ drive-thru.”
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 6d ago
After unprotected sex with a stranger I joked that Oh ! shit I forgot my HIV pills then she said "No worries ,you can use mine" 🥲
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 9d ago
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the name of a musical instrument often goes undetected.
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 10d ago
Lowe's has 50 feet of rope on sale for $1, but I just hate long, good buys.
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