His funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 24 minutes

A humanbar.

What a waste of my time. I mean what am going to do with a Herron Egg???

Man goes to dentist complaining of bad breath.

After a thorough examination, the dentist says: "Its nothing serious. You just need to give up one of your two bad habits, and your breath will improve."

"Which two bad habits?" Man asks excitedly.

"Either you stop biting your nails, or you stop scratching your ass"

But micro waved

I’m sorry I had to say it

BLAH!

"You know what really grinds my gears?
Grinding."

I asked him, What’s happening to you?

He calmly explained, When I was young, I was in a terrible fire. Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of my body was burned. When the doctors wanted to regenerate my skin, they had to take unburned skin from my own body. They couldn’t use anyone else’s.

I said, Jesus… so where did they find enough unburned skin?

He looked down and said, Well… there was one place they hadn’t thought to check.

I just stared at him.

Then he said, completely casually, Oh, and this is perfectly normal. Whenever I get aroused, this physical alteration happens.

No, son, I told to not bite the hand that feeds you.

I don't know why.

Sorry I didn’t realise there were more of you coming

Terrified.

A man had been smoking for many years, and one day he finally decided, “That’s it. I’m quitting.”

So he went to see his doctor.

“Doctor,” he said, “I really want to quit smoking, but every time I get the urge, I just can’t control myself. Is there any way you can help me?”

The doctor looked at him seriously and said, “Yes. I have a very effective method.”

“Really? What is it?”

“Every time you feel like smoking, just stick your thumb up your ass. The craving will disappear.”

The man stared at the doctor for a few seconds.

“That’s your medical advice?”

“Absolutely,” said the doctor. “It works.”

The man thought, Well… it’s either that or keep smoking.

So he went home and tried it.

Every time he wanted a cigarette, he stuck his thumb up his ass.

And somehow…b

After a few weeks, the man had completely quit smoking.

He was so happy that he went back to the doctor.

“Doctor! I have to thank you. Your method worked! I haven’t smoked a single cigarette in weeks!”

The doctor smiled proudly.

“Excellent! I’m very happy to hear that.”

The man shook his hand and said, “You really changed my life.”

Then he suddenly became serious.

“But, Doctor… I have one more problem.”

“What problem?”

The man looked embarrassed and said:

“Now can you help me stop sticking my thumb up my ass?”

Penguaint.

I just dont know whom i gave it to last

Mary (72) and Stuart (75) are a happily married couple. Stuart was on his way home from the hardware store when Mary heard about a crazy driver on the radio driving onto oncoming traffic. She immediately phoned Stuart as it was on his route.

Mary: "Stuart you need to please be careful, I just heard on the news there is a crazy driver driving on the wrong side of the road."

Stuart: "That's nothing woman, here where I am driving right now, everyone is on the wrong side of the road..."

The corkscrew

Johnny's mom comes home from work and finds Johnny sitting quietly in his room. She asks him what's wrong because normally he is hyper active.

Johnny: "I saw something today by the lake when I was walking back from school mom"

Mom: "What did you see Johnny?"

Johnny: "I saw dad's car parked down by the lake, so I walked to go see what he was doing and then I saw aunty Carmen in the car with him and they were..."

Mom: "No stop Johnny, let's wait till dinner time then you can tell me the whole story"

Johnny patiently waited. His dad came home and his mom had the dinner table set already. They all sat down and Johnny's mom asked him to continue telling the story.

Johnny: "So as I was saying, I saw dad's car by the lake, I went to see what he was doing and then I saw aunty Carmen in the car with him. They were doing that thing that you and uncle Charles do in your bed everytime dad goes on a work trip..."

I just handed in my too weak notice.

i got hungry it wasnt very tasty

Still confused

You know what that means? That means 30% of them are caused by fucking women driving!

"Sith down, please."

a bra.