Since she has always loved her pet cats, she decides to open with, "Excuse me, Do you like pussycats?"

Upon hearing that, the man gets up, walks over and extends his hand out to her. She grabs his hand and he helps her to her feet. He then leads her to a nearby private cabana.

Once inside, he immediately begins to seduce her and she gladly accepts.

Once they are done and getting dressed, she looks over at him and asks, "I was wondering how you knew that was exactly what I wanted?"

"And I was wondering how you knew my name was Katz!"

guy dies and goes to hell. devil says "are you a gambler?"

guy says "yeah"

devil says "you're gonna love mondays. we play dice, cards, anything you like. are you a smoker?"

guy says "yeah"

devil says "you're gonna love tuesdays. we smoke cigars, cigarettes, anything you like. are you a drinker?"

guy says "yeah"

devil says "you're gonna love wednesdays. we drink beer, liquor, anything you like. are you a homosexual?"

guy says "no"

devil says "you're gonna hate thursdays"

A man suffered from headaches and didn’t realize it was due to a rare condition

He went to multiple doctors, all of whom couldn't give him an explanation or a solution to the headache. After years of the same symptoms, the man finally found a doctor who can fix the situation.

The doctor told him, "The good news is I can fix your headaches so you'll never have them again. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, creating one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

The man was depressed because two of the three things that made him a man will be removed. Realizing he had no other choice, he agreed to the castration.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 10 years. He saw a tailor shop and thought, "A new suit is fit for a new man, and for my new beginning".

After entering the shop, he asked the tailor for a new suit. The tailor said, "Hmm... Looking at you, you are size 44 long." The man surprised asked, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the suit given and it fit perfectly.

The man realizing he needed a shirt for the suit and asked for one. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a 35 sleeve and 16 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" The tailor responded again, "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

The tailor said "How about some underwear?" The man was startled but realized the logic. Since he already got everything else, he said yes. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a size 36."

The man laughed catching the tailor. "Ah ha! You're wrong! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head, "No, buddy, you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A Magic Johnson

After getting checked in, the obstetrician came into the room, examined my wife, wrote "Annie" on her chart and left the room.

We were obviously confused and asked the nurse what it meant. She said "This means you can go home -- there won't be a baby today." Even more confused we asked how she was able to interpret that. She told us

"The doctor is a big fan of musicals. His note means 'The son will come out tomorrow!'."

Two dogs are sitting in the waiting room of the veterinary office, reading their doggie magazines.

The first dog turns to the second. "So what are you here for?" the first dog asks.

"Well, you know how it is, being alone all day in a house?"

" I suppose so…"

"Let me tell you. When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, so I start humping my chew toy. So she brought me here to have me fixed."

"Oh, I see …"

They go back to reading their doggie magazines.

After a while, the second dog turns to the first. "So what are you here for?"

“When my owner comes home, I’m so excited to see her that I start humping the coffee table. She pulls me off, so I start humping the couch. She pulls me off, I’m so excited that I start humping HER."

"So, you’re here to get fixed too?"

"Nah, I’m here to get my nails clipped."

He was right. I had to sell my car to pay the bill.

I should’ve started last week

I yelled, “That’s a salt!”

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

according to the Pew Pew Pew Research Center.

(or "pygmy" or "midget" or "tiny person" or "person of vertical challenge", whichever doesn't offend)

Anyway we got chatting, his name's Peter and he's the most amazingly witty guy I ever met or thought to meet in a boulangerie. He went into this brilliant routine about flatbread and I ended up laughing so much I seriously thought I was going to die and I didn't care.

Yeah.

I love to hear the pita patter of tiny Pete.

He's wanted dead and alive.

Interviewer: I came across your resume today.

Applicant: What did you think about it?

Interviewer: it's a little sticky, but I can still use it.

Great food, no atmosphere.

Ivan Nasticheskov

saying they lacked chemistry.

Who’s sheep he shaved under their tails
No sins were committed
But often repeated
For the smell of shit hurts his wool sales

I asked "So, you take things literally?"

And he said "No. That's a kleptomaniac."

...my grandfather always used to say. A good man but awful at assembling cupboards.

- old Russian joke printed in a Russian paper and translated by Steve Rosenberg

A grandmother was sitting at the dining table after a Sunday lunch visiting with her two grand kids.

Stephanie,” Grandma says, “I think you should become a police officer.”

“What!?” Stephanie retorted. “I do not want to be a police man.”

“Well, from what I hear, you chase after the same men they do, so you might as well get paid for it.”

The female had gone into heat and the male was trying to mate with her. She couldnt get them apart and was terrified.

She called the local veternarian and explained what was going on.

The vet suggested, "Take your phone and place it near the dogs. I'll ring your phone and the ringing sound will distract the male, causing him to lose his erection. Then you will be able to separate them easily"

"Are you sure it will work?"

"It just worked on me!"

who put his head in the oven and his feet in a bucket of ice?

On the average, he felt fine.

You can get it with either GPS or a speedometer, but not both.

In ancient Israel, a traveling merchant by the name of Abraham Com took unto himself a wife named Dorothy. Dot Com was an impressive woman of towering stature and sharp wits—often referred to throughout the region as Amazon Dot Com.

One day she asked Abraham, ""Why must thou trek through desert sand from village to village when thou canst barter without ever stepping outside thy tent?""

Abraham looked at her as if she were a few figs short of a harvest, but asked, ""And how dost thou propose I do that, dear?""

Dot replied, ""I shall set up relay drums in every village across the land. We will drum out messages listing thy wares, and the merchants will beat back their best offers. Agreements shall be struck over the beat, and parcel deliveries shall be handled by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).""

Abraham agreed, and the system took the ancient world by storm. Within weeks, his goods were flying off the carpets at record prices right from his home tent.

To keep prying eyes in neighbouring kingdoms from decoding the drumbeats, Dot invented a secure rhythm protocol called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). She followed this with a dialect designed to transmit pictures of the goods: Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

Before long, young scholars obsessed with the beat began swarming the trade squares. The locals dubbed them Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites (NERDS).

Yet amid the chaos, nobody noticed that the real fortune was being pocketed by a shrewd drum supplier named Brother William of Gates. Brother Gates bought out every timber forest and insisted that all future drums function only with his proprietary drumheads and sticks.

Dot sighed to her husband, ""Abraham, others are seizing what we created.""

Abraham gazed out across the Bay of Ezekiel (eBay) and said, ""We must rebrand ourselves with a name that honors our spirit.""

Dot declared, ""Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators!""

""YAHOO!"" Abraham cheered. And so was born YAHOO Dot Com.

Soon after, Abraham’s cousin Joshua—a Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK)—figured out how to use the rhythms to map out every well, landmark, and oasis in the wilderness.

The people called it God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And so the web was born. Truly, you couldn't make this up!"