I'm gonna be 18 in December so I think it's okay

to post this.

To clarify I do feel guilty because these are people who dislike me personally.

I want people's judgement and brutally honest opinion is this wrong?

So I keep having these sexual intrusive thoughts about these guys neither of them I never even dated they are 16M I will call him Person 1 & 15M is Person 2 ( Person 1 is 1 year and a half younger than me and person 2 is 2 years and a half younger than me. ( 2 years and 8 months and 30 days)

I'm a senior and they are sophomores.

( I'm 1 year and 6 months older than the first guy

I met them in 8th grade they used to be friends with me back then they were a couple of grades below me at the time

We were chill friends.

And I made sex jokes with the 15M when I was 14M and he was 11 turning 12 he made those types of jokes first tho but they weren't too sexual we were just joking around yk and was just friends. ( I was in 8th he was in 6th )

And both of these guys talked about rule 34 back in 2023.

When they stopped being friends with me I was a freshman and they were in 7th grade due to conflict that happened.

And we had conflict when I was a sophomore & junior year as well

The 15M goes to a whole other high school They both have me blocked on everything and I still go to the same high school as 16M. ( In my defense in our situation they are the assholes and I'm also in the wrong but they did some two faced shit to me)

And was dicks to me actually and hurt my feelings ( prior to past posts I made but I'm not totally innocent either .

And I feel guilty but when I'm overly horny and so horny I don't care about how unattractive someone is.

I start touching myself thinking about sleeping with both of them.

I'm a virgin and never had a boyfriend .

I'm white .

And the older guy is Peruvian & Chilean & the Younger guy is half Salvdoran & French Canadian .

And I started having thoughts like this last year probably

And I would imagine myself having a three-way with both of them and get turned on by the idea idk.

At 14 & 15 I held a grudge against these guys

But they are older and taller and attractive and have deeper voices when I started having these fantasies

Even though the older guy called me a white bitch and was a dick to me in the past and so was the younger guy he didn't call me a white bitch but he still called me a white bitch.

They both watch porn and so do I and they are dirty minded too but not as nearly as much as I'm tbh .

And I'm guilty of admitting it but I imagine having sex with both of them as adults and fantasizing about it and feel guilty about it idk why I'm having these thoughts now

I won't get in detail and I feel guilty because they are people who dislike me personally.

I've always found that there's a certain appeal to silence, but this goes beyond that. Sometimes when I'm asked a question my mind will immediately go to the hypothetical scenario where I simply stay silent, and acting like nothing's wrong from there going forward. I've pondered whether I could realistically not talk for a while or not, but considering the responsibilities I have it seems impossible. I couldn't honestly say what's so appealing to me about being silent, but it's becoming more and more of a reoccurring thought. It's not like talking is particularly exhausting to me, I just would rather not do it. It's starting to appear in my dreams too, me interacting with mute people or even just being mute myself. Can anyone relate to this at all? The desire is growing stronger.

This thought pops up whenever I drive over a bridge or overpass (shocking lol). This and “what if I drove into oncoming traffic” are common thought. I’d never follow through with that, but it is annoying.

I've had intrucive thoughts for as long as I can remember, but recently they have grown more violent and its messing with me alot. At first I thought it was because of my more paranoid thoughts (family being malicous toward me), but once I got onto medication they have only been of me being violent. I know I wouldn't do anything like it, I love my parents and siblings, but they have gotten to the point to where I am icolating myself from them so they stop.

Any tips? Please and thank you

I’m 23F. He was 28M. I think I need people to be brutally realistic with me about my own behavior.

I recently moved to a new city, and instead of actually building a life here, I basically did the opposite.

I didn’t make much effort to make friends. I didn’t find hobbies outside of my apartment. I didn’t explore the city much. I didn’t get comfortable going places alone. I mostly stayed home.

I met a guy on Discord before moving here and poured an embarrassing amount of my time and emotional energy into him.

We “dated” for around four months without ever meeting in person. I became ridiculously emotionally dependent on the relationship. My mood depended on whether we were getting along, whether he was responding, what he was doing, whether I thought he was ignoring me, etc.

We constantly argued, broke up, got back together, and repeated the same cycle.

Looking back, I can easily point out things he did wrong, but I actually don’t want this post to turn into analyzing him because that lets me avoid the bigger issue:

I chose to participate in this.

I repeatedly chose sitting in my apartment worrying about some man hundreds of miles away over building a life directly outside my door.

And this isn’t even a one-time mistake.

I’ve had a pattern of becoming intensely attached to people online since I was really young. When I have a person to obsess over, they basically become my hobby. I think about them constantly, wait for messages, arrange my time around them, and neglect other parts of my life.

The weird part is that I absolutely have had a real life outside the internet. I have a job now. I go outside and interact with people on the daily.

In college, I was active on campus. I had a lot of IRL friends, activities, school, and an IRL relationship. I’ve had perfectly good connections with people in the real world. I’m not someone who has only ever known how to socialize online.
But I seem to get into these periods where I almost deliberately retreat from all of that.

I isolate myself, spend more time online, attach myself intensely to one person, and suddenly that person becomes the most interesting and emotionally important thing in my life. Even when I already have friends or other people I could talk to, I can still end up ignoring those connections in favor of obsessing over whoever I’ve attached myself to online.
That makes me wonder whether this is less about loneliness itself and more about some kind of coping mechanism.

Maybe obsessing over one person gives me something easier and more consuming to focus on than whatever else I’m feeling, avoiding, or dissatisfied with in my own life.
There have been periods where I stopped doing this. When I was in college and had more going on around me, the pattern became much less dominant. But apparently I never actually fixed whatever is underneath it, because once I became isolated again I went straight back to it.

That’s the part bothering me the most.

I moved to a completely new city at 23, which should have been an opportunity to explore, meet people, date locally, make stupid memories, try things, and become more independent.

Instead I spent months inside arguing on Discord with someone I had never even met.

I’m not saying online relationships aren’t real or that you can’t care about somebody you meet online. The problem is the extent to which I use one person as a substitute for having an actual life.

And I’m realizing I can’t keep telling myself that the solution is simply finding a healthier boyfriend next time.

If I meet another guy tomorrow and immediately make him the center of my existence, I’ve learned nothing.

So I genuinely want people to call me out.

What am I avoiding by doing this?

Why is obsessing over one person easier for me than maintaining friendships, hobbies, routines, independence, and a life that doesn’t revolve around romantic attention?

Why do I sometimes withdraw from perfectly good real-world connections to disappear into an intense online attachment instead?

Does this sound like some kind of coping mechanism, and if so, what could I actually be coping with?

And most importantly: what would you actually do if you were me for the next 3–6 months?

I’m especially interested in advice from people who have had similar patterns and managed to stop.

You do not need to reassure me that I’m young or tell me not to be hard on myself. I already know I have time to change.
I want to know what I need to start doing differently.

I just keep thinking, that if something happened to me, a heart attack, I hit my head, had a stroke, if I couldn’t reach my phone then no one would notice and I’d die here alone and forgotten for weeks, body just rotting away.
In a house share but everyone’s just cordial,
I have friends but no one calls to check up or just call for a chat, I’m the one that initiates any chats and even I do that sparingly,
Work contract ended, so no one’s expecting me to be somewhere at 9am,
Family that I don’t speak to,
I had a bf who would call everyday and now he’s gone,
If I dropped now, that’s it. Not just dead but forgotten, rotten away while the whole world moves on, truly showing just how insignificant I was in this life.

I guess I’d give it about 2 months before the landlord comes knocking on the door demanding rent.

About 13 years ago, when I was 12, I fantasized a couple of times about something that’s extremely taboo (I didn’t do anything illegal, it was just fantasizing), and I haven’t done it since, so I guess my preferences have changed, but I feel extremely guilty, and I DON’T KNOW WHY today my mind has decided to torture me with that memory, which used to be totally irrelevant to me.

I don’t know if this is the right place, but I don’t have anyone else to tell this to. It happens to me all the time that my mind picks a completely random topic and torments me. Does this happen to anyone else?

hi reddit. i’m just gonna copy past and skip the yapping

07/09/2026
00:45:

i cried a lot tonight. i thought about the same shit i usually think about every night since high school. life, purpose, friends, future and everything. i don’t like school, i hate it. i genuinely hate it, i hate the system, i hate the studying, i hate the subjects, i hate the buildings. i want to change and this shit won’t help. i want to find a work in sales, i want to talk to people, i want to sell, i want to move, i want to make money, i want to go home and be able to rest without having some fucking shitty homework. i want to play games, i want to party with friends, i want to go to the gym and get bigger, not stay the same as i am, pale lazy small motherfucker with no energy. i want to grind the work and get better at it, i want to have a reason to wake up each morning, a goal to look up to. i want to keep learning trading, i want to learn everyday and get better at it, i want to possibly make it a second income, i want money. i don’t want a degree i want fucking money. i want my parents to understand me, i want my dad to be proud of me and my mother to be reassured and see that i’m finally independant. i want my friends to see me as a great, fulfilled person that worked its way through it. i want to look at myself in the mirror and say « you’ve changed ».
i want to stop going to bed at night and thinking « why am i miserable and why isn’t there a single thing that i’m doing in my life that makes me feel great. why do everything i do seems mechanical and not driven by purpose or interest. » i want to stop thinking about a better future. i want to act to get a better present.

please find a way to make all this come true as soon as possible.

20200229 2 - Mac Demarco
All For Nothing - zachariehs
Warmth - C418

i’ve been journaling for three years and this was tonight’s text.
a bit of context: i’m a 19 yo french student that came back from a one year dropout and just got into school again. as you might have guessed it’s painful.

one more precision, all these ideas are based (weither it’s the trading, quitting school, working, going to the gym)
these are all things that im currently doing (or have been doing for a long time) these aren’t some hype-based ideas. I’m aware of these things and i know a thing or two about it.

I just want feedbacks, maybe advice or if you lived through the same stuff just tell me your story, i just want reassurance atp. i feel like i’m alone vs the world

(there might be spelling issues, my apologies)
have a great day and take care

I'm not saying that it's a good idea and morally correct, but it is efficient.

Sometimes I wonder or like wished that I had some mental illness that makes me see another version of me that is the evil and logical version of me, I can see and hear them and they are me. Because I've wondered how it would feel like if I had a person only I can see and hear, like someone especially made for me and only me only, and the only person I can think that understands me is myself so I would wonder what if I had that? Would we be friends or enemies?

I know this is very peculiar. I have been huffing isopropyl alcohol for a little over a year now. It started out with sniffing a little to alleviate the chronic nausea I was experiencing. It snowballed into craving the smell. I believe it is connected to my OCD because I have intense urges to smell the alcohol and cannot stop thinking about it until I complete the task. I also fear for my safety because I know it isn’t healthy, however I cannot stop, nor am I willing to stop right now.
My primary doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist are all aware of this, it was hard to admit to. They’ve made suggestions to help stop use, like keeping it out of the house. I said I cannot do that as I use it for cleaning my MMJ smoking apparatus’s. I suggested that I could have my tall partner put in an area I cannot access, and only give it to me when I need to use it to clean. I have not made that step though. I don’t want to. My doctor mentioned to me that it’s like I’m getting drunk when I’m inhaling the chemical. It isn’t a lasting feeling, so I haven’t associated it with feeling drunk.
I am considering treatment, but I’m unsure considering this doesn’t seem to be a common inhalant addiction, not like paint thinner or duster. Also, does anyone have experience with getting help with Medicaid insurance? I am very new to Reddit, if this is not the place to ask this and you know of a better subreddit to ask this on, please point me in the right direction!

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I hope someone punches you and knocks some sense into you.
And yes, I know how that sounds. I don’t care. As much as I’d like to actually beat you up, I wouldn’t. Not because I suddenly developed patience or morality, but because, unfortunately for me, I’m just too tolerant. Someone else, however, needs to humble this man. Preferably someone with enough strength to knock that enormous forehead back into reality.

I am angry.
Actually, “angry” feels too polite. I have reached that strange, horrifying little corner of my mind where the anger has nowhere left to go. It just sits there. I never react. I go quiet. I swallow it, sit with it, write about it, overthink it, sleep on it, wake up still angry, and then pretend I’m fine because I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they got under my skin.
So what am I supposed to do with this?

I’m just going to start dumping the most violent collection of thoughts I can produce onto a page because I have apparently run out of respectable places to put my anger.

About a year ago, something happened between me and a family member that I deeply regret.
We were alone at the house one night and things got too close and intimate. It was a confusing situation and I didn’t handle it the way I should have. Since then, I’ve felt really bad about what happened and I’m constantly scared that they might eventually tell someone in my family.
Luckily, we’re not close and I only see them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Whenever I see them, they act completely normal, but I usually avoid interacting with them because it immediately reminds me of what happened.
I know I can’t change what happened, and I know I need to take responsibility for my part in it. But I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of my family finding out. It’s been about a year and I’m still carrying this fear, and sometimes I feel like it will never go away.
Has anyone dealt with intense guilt or fear over something from their past that they were afraid someone might find out about? How did you learn to stop living with that fear?

I honestly don't know if this belongs here, but I don't know where else to put it.

I got sober in July after smoking & drug use for about 3 years. I know I did the right thing. I know I'm healthier now, and I'm even proud of myself sometimes.

But I feel like quitting took away the one thing that made my brain quiet. When I was high, everything felt distant.

I could smoke, sit there, and just feel this soothing sense of "it's gonna be okay," especially at night. I could actually be alone with myself without feeling like I was losing my mind or being utterly disgusted. Now I'm sober and it feels like I'm forced to experience every thought at full volume. And the worst ones are about death. I can't just enjoy a moment anymore without my brain reminding me that it will end.

I'll be sitting with my mom and brother, laughing or eating or watching something, and suddenly I'll think, "One day this will be gone, one day they'll be dead, I'll be dead, I'll never experience this exact thing again." Then my brain starts showing me things I DON'T WANT TO SEE.

Coffins. Funerals. Hospitals. Morgues. Cremation. Imagining someone I love dying horrifically and all I see is their remains. I imagine myself dying. Imagining being an old woman someday after everyone I love is gone. Imagining what happens after death. Sometimes my brain even creates horrific scenarios about hell or being punished after I die. I don't want these thoughts. That's the part that makes me so fucking helpless. I'm not sitting around wanting people to die.

I'm not fascinated by it; I'm TERRIFIED. My brain keeps forcing me to look at it. I've also been seeing images of rotting corpses after autopsies (I've seen these on the internet because, for some odd reason, I decided to look at them to accept that's gonna be me one day; ofc it didn't help.) Nighttime is worse. Every time it gets quiet and I'm alone, my thoughts start screaming. I try to force myself to stay awake as long as I can because I'm now scared of sleeping. I used to be completely fine with being alone, and now I feel like I need somebody around to feel okay. Not in a romantic way, just someone beside me.

A weird part of all this is I can see signs of me getting better. I recently took a selfie for the first time in a while and noticed that I actually look more alive. My face had almost a "youth glow" to it (might have been the filter too tho lol). I can see quitting did me some good, even though I feel like I'm falling apart emotionally.

Now I keep wondering if sobriety caused this somehow. Maybe the drugs were suppressing all of this. Maybe I was running from myself for years, and now that I've stopped, everything I was avoiding has come rushing back.

I miss getting high, which makes me incredibly guilty to admit. I don't really miss the drugs themselves, but more of the feeling of my brain and I getting along, accepting life yet being carefree. I miss being at peace. I miss not being afraid of death for a few hours or stressed over every bodily function. I miss having something that made me feel it's gonna be okay.

I don't want to relapse. I know using again isn't the answer. But I'm scared because if this is what sobriety is going to feel like forever, I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it.

Another thing that scares me, I know I can't run forever from my thoughts. Idk how to make it stop.
I don't need anyone to tell me "don't think about it"; I already know I shouldn't. I just want to know if anyone else has been trapped like this and actually found their way out of it.

Sorry for this being long. I doubt this is gonna gain much notice, but anything will help.

So i just want to know whether my thoughts are indeed Ocd and not something else like schizophrenia or schzioaffective.

Im too afraid to tell a psych bc i have kids and im afraid of them getting taken away.

Okay so for starters.. yesterday my client said somrthing out of thr way to me at work. I ruminated on it until i got home, i asked gemini abt it for reassurwnce qnd when i asked my friend he said he wouldnt hwve thought anything if it.

Food.. so i dont believe these thoughts but ill have intruisivr thoughts like thats po\*s\*n and youre gonna die.. but i know its not true.

Self harm thoughts. Ill have images of harming myself with a knife or what if i cxt my wrists ect ...

Or what if i dxe just repeatedly swirrls around in my head.

Do i have something else going on?

Im going to do an increase on zoloft. Im wondering if i need wellbutrin as well.

I hope this post wasnt offensive.