I’ve posted before about my mental health, but things have become considerably worse recently. I’m mainly posting because I need to hear from people who’ve actually been somewhere remotely similar and found something that genuinely helped.
I’m 36. About 10 months ago my relationship of nine years broke down. She was genuinely my best friend and the proverbial “one” for me. We constantly laughed together and I genuinely thought we’d spend our lives together.
At the same time, there were little bursts of what I experienced as narcissistic behaviour and compulsive lying throughout the relationship, rather than it suddenly appearing at the end. Over the years the balance became ridiculous. I ended up paying all the bills, buying all the food, doing basically all the housework and getting virtually no contribution, while somehow still being made to feel like I wasn’t doing enough. Despite working 80 hour weeks and living off about 4 hours sleep to get everything done.
Towards the end things became even more confusing. Someone who previously barely went anywhere suddenly started disappearing for hours, became secretive with her phone and wouldn’t tell me who she was with. If I questioned things that didn’t add up, I was controlling or abusive. If I didn’t question them, I felt like a fucking idiot for putting up with behaviour that clearly didn’t feel right.
I’m not pretending I was perfect. My mental health deteriorated badly and I became angry and frustrated at times. That’s part of what fucks with my head now — I can’t separate what was genuinely my fault, what was a reaction to years of what was happening, and what I should or shouldn’t have tolerated.
And it wasn’t even a clean breakup. For roughly the next six months I was repeatedly told it wasn’t necessarily over, that we were “working on ourselves” and we’d do something together “when the time is right.” I believed that. I spent about five months trying to better myself partly because I genuinely thought we were working towards another chance, only for her to ultimately end it anyway.
So although technically the relationship broke down around 10 months ago, I haven’t had 10 months of actually accepting that it was finished.
From the second I wake up it’s memories, guilt, regrets, conversations, things I should have done differently and endless what ifs.
It doesn’t fucking stop.
Recently even sleep has stopped being an escape. I’ve started having incredibly vivid nightmares involving the same memories, fears and regrets. I wake up sweating, heart racing and exhausted, and then the daytime rumination immediately starts again. I’ve also been having severe panic attacks.
A lot of the time now when I genuinely don’t want to be here because the intensity of being inside my own head feels unbearable. I don’t necessarily want to die — I desperately want this to fucking stop. But when it gets intense enough, that distinction can feel frighteningly small.
My basic self-care has basically disappeared as well. I barely eat, I don’t wash properly, I don’t look after myself and, if I’m being truthful, I just don’t care anymore. Things that should be automatic feel completely pointless. I can still force myself through work and the things I absolutely have to do, but when it comes to looking after myself I’ve basically stopped.
I’ve spent the last week trying to get professional help and somehow I’ve come away feeling even more hopeless.
I tried NHS Talking Therapies and was told I wasn’t eligible. When things got particularly bad I reached out for crisis support and, after explaining how severe things had become, some of the advice I came away with was essentially have a cup of tea and go for a walk.
I finally saw my GP, who didn’t seem to have any information from the other services, meaning I had to explain everything yet again.
I’ve taken antidepressants before, including sertraline, without them helping. I’ve now essentially been given sertraline again because it’s an easy thing for them to prescribe and sent on my way.
At the moment I don’t want to go down the medication route again. I’m also an HGV driver,
I need to work and I can’t afford to simply take weeks away from my job while trying to sort my head out.
Then there’s the loneliness.
I’m 36 and virtually everybody I know has wives, husbands, partners, children and families. They’ve built their lives while it feels like mine has disappeared.
I don’t have a proper support network. I don’t have a group of mates I can call when being alone with my own head becomes unbearable, and I don’t have meaningful support at work either. I work, come home and I’m basically left with my own thoughts again.
So rather than listing things I’ve considered and having people simply agree with them, I want to leave this completely open:
If you’ve genuinely been somewhere like this, what actually helped you?
What did you actually do that made a noticeable difference? How did you stop analysing the past every waking minute? How did you rebuild a life and support network in your 30s when everyone else seemed to already have theirs?
Most importantly, what turned the volume down when your own thoughts had become so relentless that you were exhausted from simply being conscious?
I’m not expecting Reddit to fix me. I just desperately need to hear from people who’ve actually been there and found something that genuinely helped.
Because right now every day I want to eat a shotgun shell