I lost my best years to my ex. I never wanted that relationship but felt so worthless and unlovable. She showered me with affection and I became addicted. I ignored the warning signs and then I was her caretaker all out of a sudden. It just got worse and worse, I was always not very outgoing but I had some people with whom I hung out. She just didn't fill her life with anything but me anymore. There is a lot more to write but bottom line, stuck, neglected myself, isolated myself...

She got worse and worse and it culminated with her master's thesis which completely burnt us both out. A few months after she cheated. I had a job, she didn't. She didn't know what to do, just stayed at home and literally made plans to cheat, started making me feel crazy by insinuating stuff and so on. I later found out after insane gaslighting and manipulation. And then we stayed in the same apartment 2 more years. I still felt responsible for her, I was a wreck which also made her feel like she couldn't leave me alone, but she'd also pick insane fights because of me being open about the fact that I want her gone so I can start building my life without her. It was an insane mess with no boundaries kept. After a year I at least managed to stop us having sex. I had tried a couple of times but she kept pushing and up until some point I let it happen. It's not like I didn't enjoy it, but it made me feel like shit after.

After those two years I turned 30. I blamed myself for everything. I had ruined my PhD at that point but still had a year of contract. I didn't snap out of it, I just got worse and worse. I started working out and basically numbed myself with that. I met the girl of my dreams by some miracle but then I started really breaking down. I tore myself apart over my life, the guilt I felt, everything and I just completely disintegrated. I lost her, I stopped sleeping, I started harming myself and then I finally got into therapy. All it did was stabilize my sleep through medication. The rest didn't work. For this whole year I pretended but I just ruined my life more and more. Unemployed, PhD to finish, no end in sight. I switched medication and hope it kicks in. The first almost 3 weeks have been hell. I wake up shaking, knowing nothing will ever be ok, have the urge to hurt myself. I lost so much time and I keep losing more. But I have no control over my thoughts, no perspective helps. I feel crazy telling people how I feel because at some point they just don't understand what it's like when your body and mind really tell you that death is the only way out. There is nothing on the other side of this, I will never be ok with not having been the guy I wanted to be in my 20s. I see no value in the life beyond this. I don't want a family, I don't want a fulfilling career, I just want to have made the fun reckless experiences all the people around me made and not have just isolated myself with a sick person and been the absolute worst version of myself. And my mind just tells me it's all over, that I should just do something to make it stop forever.

It took a lot of courage to finally say all of this, I am so confused about my feelings I just want someone to guide me through this. I turned eighteen a week ago, I have a joint family, I have this cousin, he was really nice, especially after my father's death. I used to oil his head often, I was really small at that time, it didn't matter much but soon things really got weird.

The first time it happened I was crying, because my mum cut my hair and I didn't like it. I was upstairs in my room when he came. He tried to comfort me, kind of placed me on his lap. I didn't notice it much when his hand brushed against my chest, but I felt it, and it made me uncomfortable, and afterward I thought that it must have been an accident.

But the small touches soon turned more obvious. I used to be so scared being alone, I memorized the sound of his footsteps, I tried to avoid him a lot. This went on for about two years, but soon he moved to a different country. I was so relieved.

Now he came back a year ago, and he seems different. I don't know how to explain it, he gets me things, on the surface he seems good, shows concern about me, and whenever he does something nice I feel guilty because I've said so many bad things about him in my mind, and it just messes with my head, the push and pull. I should be angry, and I am, but not the way I'm supposed to be, and it feels like I'm betraying myself.

One important note, he is married, he has two kids, and one is almost around my age. I feel bad for his wife, and I feel guilty over it as well. He doesn't touch me that often like he used to, but there have still been touches that seemed accidental, but I know they're not, because it still crawls on my skin.

I made 2 different girls fall in love with me. I love the both of them, so I have to break up with one of them

I (20F) feel awful for this. The plan was always to just screw around a bit, and now... just a lot of heartbreak and pain.

I met both of these girls at around the same time, who I will call A (23F) and M (18F). I met A first at a school club event at a bar. We were drunk and kissed, but she later clarified to me that she was ok with it. We live nearby on campus, but she wasn't going to move in for a while. Then, I met M, who is an international student, and I showed her around the city. We followed that up by going to my room to play mario kart on the switch and drink, where we ended up hooking up. A few days later, I go to A's room, where we play overcooked, and then... yea i think you know where this is going.

I told the both of them that my aim this semester was to just fool around, go on exchange and fool around some more, and then come back and find someone to settle down with. I did also tell both of them they weren't the only one I was seeing. They both agreed for now. For now.

Because over the next 2 weeks they made it increasingly clear to me that they wanted to date. Exclusively. And screwing around with them both did something to my brain chemistry and now I kinda want the both of them. which is weird. im not polyamorous. and even if i was, im a bit too jealous to be in a polyamorous relationship.

This all sorta came to a head a few days later, when A said that she needed some space and asked if im "still seeing that girl". that's when i realised i needed to have made this decision yesterday. but... maybe it's just my personality, but i see no way to distinguish which of them i like more. ive seen a future with the both of them. then it comes down to minute or stupid things like which of them smells nicer or which one i think is nerdier (as a nerd i love dating nerds)

for now A has mostly distanced herself, while M has tried to cling on even tighter. however, there's another concern with M: i'm the only girl she's ever been interested in. im scared that im gonna be "just a phase" in her life, and she might eventually leave me for a guy...

im scared of whatever i do. and i know i'm going to have to break someone's heart. i want to at least stay friends with them both, but would that even be possible? i just am at a loss. i sorta didn't expect both of these relationships to become so real so quick. i dont need advice, ive frankly asked too many people, including my dad who i never talk about relationship stuff with. i just need to admit that this might be top 3 moments where i've felt the most like a terrible, reprehensible human being. i think i might, in the words of a friend, be ruining their lives, and ive broken at least A, which sucks because i know her mental health is not doing the best. i'm even more scared to break M, because im her first and i think main friend here. i hate this.

We were friends from school(me, U, F, W), things started falling apart the next year after we finished it . We combined our friend group with Friend U's partner's friends group (next group B). After I had a big conflict with them, our groups became separate again. U stayed there. F and W were there because of us, so they never fully were in a group B. It was in the fall.

In february, I started my D&D campaign as a first-time master with other friends and asked U to join because I knew U always wanted to try. After some time, U also joined an online D&D game with group B. U was shy and not really social, so U didn't take part in my game, just sitting there without taking part. During breaks, U talked about how great and cool her second campaign was and how much she liked it. Sometimes she criticized my style and compared it to group B's master's. With all that, she ignored my other attempts to spend time with her, no walks, no online games (and then U played with group B).

Last august, U had a conflict with group B and they kicked U out, but the two people who were on U's side left too, and with one U became partners. At this moment, U didn't spend time with our group at all. I'm not talking about even asking us how we were. U didn't really try to spend time with us when we were inviting.

So we had a great conversation about how we all felt and what to do. I convinced the other two friends to give U a second chance. They forgave U. And then U didn't change. U didn't call us to play together, didn't want to spend time with us. All the time I tried, she answered no, and that was all. The last drop was when we planned to play together, but at the last moment U's partner couldn't join, so she refused also. At this moment, I realized U didn't want to spend time with us. Just didn't mind if we were there when spending time with their partner. I left the chat group.

In November, I broke off relations with the two friends from that group. It just became a one-sided friendship. They spent time with U and her partner (this person moved to our country at this time). So it more and more often became a question of inviting me, never a question of inviting U and her partner. So I just told them that it was not a friendship for me and I couldn't keep going like that. So that's how things ended.

Now it has been a year, and I still miss them, especially U. I shouldn't, but I still miss them.

I've seen this be listed as a symptom for schizophrenia and DID, but I don't think I have either.

I don't think I have schizophrenia because, from what I've been told, schizophrenic people can't really separate their delusions (idk if that's the right term, sorry if it's not) from reality, and I can kinda do that (like unless I'm particularly tired or upset, they kinda have the same affect as my regular thoughts do, but I can't really control them, and they have a different voice than my normal thoughts do), and I don't really have much else that would make me think that I'm schizophrenic (unless my overthinking of the Boltzmann Brain thought experiment counts as an illusion of grandeur).

And I don't think I have DID, because I don't really have any trauma (at least not that I remember) that would've been early enough for me to develop anything in the first place.

Maybe there's something else I'm not aware of that this could be, but as of right now, this is confusing and just a little bit worrying if I'm being entirely honest.

Also, I am aware that I should probably seek professional help, but I'm not really in the position for that to be a particularly viable option at the moment.

Had an ambulatory procedure and I guess the stress and anesthesia gave me some horrible constipation. But damn trauma doesn’t let me take the meds I need. I just can’t.

It hurts, I don’t even feel the urge to go, I’m nauseated, my belly is hard and swollen and the pressure is tugging at my surgical adhesions badly. There’s gotta be some nerve involvement because there’s neuropathic pain running down to my scrotum and penis.

I’m familiar with all of these symptoms. I lost 12cm of large bowel to resection when I was 12yo and have lived with this since then. But never to this degree. Never after the surgery.

I remember mom blamed me for the constipation. It wasn’t constipation it was a damn obstruction due to post surgical adhesions that choked and killed my intestine.

And I remember the humiliating procedures and the doctor who did that, who was… I can’t accuse him of anything because I don’t remember but he was a creep at least, who used my body as if it was his property and made innuendos and sex jokes while having me in such a vulnerable state. I hate myself for being so fragile that a jerk in a doctors coat with a finger up my rear broke me. But it isn’t fair that my first memories of sexual pleasure were those. I hate him and I feel disgusting.

And here I am looking at the glass of macrogol (a lax) and unable to drink it without feeling so damn humiliated. I could try manual dissimpaction, for fucksake I’m bi I’ve had worse things up there but this time is different, it’s… i don’t know why am I so broken.

So yeah. Give it two, three more days when I keep crying like a moron refusing the soft meds, and then I’ll end up in the ED needing an enema, and then I’ll really loose my mind. I can’t talk about this with noone. It’s so damn embarrassing.

I feel like I lost the light of my life. I loved her so much. We've been having problems as of late but I didn't think it would lead to this. I recently got laid off. I ruined my credit to help us stay afloat, now I just feel like i'm starting over at a worst spot than when I we first ended up dating.

My family wasn't a huge fan of her. They are fairly conservative and thought I should have an old school wife. Never have I wanted that. I love cooking for her and cleaning and how wonderful our conversations were. They always told me I should find a woman that does that for me instead, I defended her so often. Just sucks to hear them tell me basically "I told you so, I knew this would happen" I'm just trying my best to stay strong. I don't need to hear that right now.

I (38F) have been married to my husband (59M) for 5 years now, but we’ve been together for 8. Looking back, I can see every single cycle of the narcissistic abuse he put me through. I don’t actually think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, though. He just used those exact behaviors on me, and our relationship is deeply, deeply toxic. Honestly, I don't think he's a true narcissist because eventually, I became the one making him cry. I don't see how a real narcissist would sit there and take what I put him through today, but he stays.

I have a 10-year-old son from a past relationship, and we have a 4-year-old together (they are fine, they love their dad). Our youngest is autistic, and maybe that’s why my husband hasn't left. Or maybe it’s because I made it completely clear to him that I have enough evidence to throw him in jail, or at the very least, completely destroy his reputation. He is a massive deal in our area. He is a former president of a professional association, a member of all kinds of boards and high-profile groups, and he literally holds an honorary citizenship title here. But our country has extremely strict laws against marital abuse, and I can easily prove financial and emotional abuse.

Ever since that conversation, or maybe since our son’s diagnosis, I don't know for sure, he started changing. He stopped screaming over every little thing. He stopped criticizing me just for the fun of it. He hasn't missed a single payment on the credit card he uses, which is under my name. On the surface, things are way quieter now. There is absolutely zero affection or warmth, but the silent treatment stopped. The random, unprovoked cruelty stopped too.

But like I said in the title, I’ve become just like him. No, I'm not cruel for no reason. I don’t financially abuse him. And I don’t sexually abuse him like he used to do to me, leaving me sobbing and completely desperate, only to strip me down and force himself on me while I was still crying underneath him.

I just make him cry. Yeah. I point out every single disgusting behavior that makes him the miserable human being he is. I told him straight to his face that he raped me more than once. I told him he abused me. I told him that, for all we know, our son is autistic because of the non-stop emotional torture he put me through while I was pregnant. I told him he owes a massive debt to my childhood abuser who groomed me, and that he should thank him. I told him I am the closest thing to a conscience he will ever have, since he doesn't have a single drop of self-awareness. I’ve said all of this and way, way more.

Just a bit ago, I was asking him, again, not to undermine or disrespect my authority in front of the kids. As usual, he tried to pull his classic DARVO routine, flipping it on me. But I’m so hardened by all of this that I completely dismantled his dynamic. By the end of it, he didn't apologize (he never does), but I left him crying. Again.

I see it clearly that I’ve become just like him. If I were the person I was 8 years ago, I would feel sick to my stomach for leaving another human being in that state. But today? I just don’t care. His suffering doesn't make me feel a single ounce of pity or empathy.

I haven’t officially dropped any friends, but I’ve stopped texting and making an effort with about half since that half doesn’t make an effort with me. Meaning, I’ve been left on delivered for a month to more than a few months, some of them haven’t reached out within at least the past few times we’ve talked and therefore we haven’t talked in at least a few months. I’ve communicated to at least a few of them, and like their actions just don’t match any of their words in general. They say they miss me, they’re sorry for not communicating or that we should talk more, but it’s just me putting in effort. They can say they’re busy or dealing with things, and I am too, but I’m so sick of it. Do these people just not care that they’re gonna be lonely when they’re older and even now? Or is it that I’m not fun enough to talk to? I know I don’t have the best social skills and I’m trying so hard to improve, and I try to get past surface level and have genuine friendships. I don’t know if I just don’t text my friends enough since I’m an introvert or what.

And it doesn’t help that I’m in my last year of college and tryna make friends which is embarrassing enough on it’s own. I used to have friends, but they stopped hanging out with me. Even if I make friends, I worry how long they’ll actually last past graduation. And I don’t even have a partner or anything even remotely close to that. I see the other people at my university and they dress so nice and are so pretty and my facial features and body proportions are all so wonky. And so I’ve been mostly alone over here, but I’ve been trying to show up and join orgs so we’ll see how that goes.

I am a 21 years old man, in the fifth period of law school, 6'5 tall, work 14 hours shifts as a barman, I can never feel that what I do is relevant. Everyone says that I'm a good man, that I'm helpful, that I'm genius, but I can't see how everything of this matter. I've lost four cats that i worked every single day to pay the loan I got for their treatment, but it didn't matte because I lost them. I feel like I'm failing, not just a them, but at myself. Can't stop thinking that If I spe less time venting with hobbies, books and friends, could've rushed my college to help my family and take care of everyone around me. Or that If I worke harder I could've got more money to take care of them too. I feel like I could've done more, like I could've somehow help everyone I love if I just abandoned these hobbies I love, but some things I just feel like I can't give up... Am I weak?

I’ve been trying to write this for a while.

On October 16th 2022 my husband and I were renewing our vows for our tenth wedding anniversary on our rural property (our property borders a BNSF train track).

While we were having our small ceremony, the neighbor on the other side of the train tracks let their German shepherd, Lexi, out into their unfenced yard.

Because of the people and food on our property, Lexi headed straight over.

We knew Lexi, she was probably six months old when she started crossing the tracks to join us while building our home. Our forever home, where we wanted to retire. She never let us pet her, but once I was able to grab the phone number and name from her tag by bribing her with bacon. By October 2022, Lexi was about three years old, and we had already called her owner many times to let them know that she is over at our house and they should probably call her back (since again, she won’t let us get near her). His number was saved in my phone as “OldManName- Lexi”.

Well, like usual on that beautiful fall day, Lexi wouldn’t let anyone near her. She was determined to play keep away with the delicious meat platter in mind.

I immediately called our neighbor… rings to voicemail. I called right back, straight to voicemail. Called again, straight to voicemail again. I leave a message- “hey ___, we are having an event and Lexi is interrupting, can you please call her back to you”.

Lexi gets the hint that she isn’t going to be able to get to the snacks by way of our property, she realizes she needs the tactical advantage of the train tracks. At this point we send everyone inside, apart from us, the wedding planners, and the photographer who wanted to help try to wrangle this dog. We are staying off the tracks trying to heard her home. Lexi wouldn’t budge. She wanted the meat that she didn’t realize is inside now.

To the BNSF Engineer who honked tirelessly to try to get that dog off the tracks, I am so sorry you had to experience that. We experienced it, too. I know you have probably thought we were reckless idiots taking our dog onto the tracks, but it was truly just a fucked up situation where we were just trying to help her. And the lousy neighbor who couldn’t even be bothered to answer his phone dared to yell at us- after we sent everyone home and instead of renewing our vows, we buried her for him so we wouldn’t have to hear the coyotes get to her as he wasn’t physically able to dig.

She rests under a tree on his property. We don’t know if we can retire here now as I still wake up in a panic when a train honks for animals while going past our house. It’s always bothered me that you didn’t know the truth.

Content warning: violence, DV, murder, sexual assault

I’ve (30M) always been a guy with big feelings, I’ve tended to fall in love in a big way and commit fully to my partners. This has led to a string of deep and intense relationships that aren’t always the best idea.

When I was 21 I married my college sweetheart, which was ill-advised. I survived a murder attempt a few months into our marriage. It took place in my home and resulted in a couple gruesome injuries and some severe PTSD. We never really bounced back from that and ultimately ended up cheating on each other on the same week. Two days after finding out, my stuff was on the lawn and her new guy was sleeping in the bed we’d had. We never had any closure or discussion about it, it just ended.

After that, I started living with a friend and ended up dating her (she was not the person I cheated with). She was volatile and abusive. She would explode, throw things, slam doors, throw things at me, and so on. I took it because I thought that I deserved it for my previous relationship. We moved to a different state together when I started grad school. She was unemployed a lot, which made the abuse worse. She finally got a job at a Catholic school, but was fired when they found out she was living with me.

We did the pandemic together and after that I felt like I owed it to her to get engaged, so I asked her to marry me and started planning the wedding. But the abuse kept getting worse and I was worried she would really hurt me. I remember sneaking out of the house after an argument to escape her and hiding in my office because i knew she couldn’t get in there. Eventually I ended things. We tried to live together for a bit, but when I came back from a date with someone else she broke a candle and cut herself wrists with the broken glass while screaming.

After the breakup I stopped eating for a couple weeks (not on purpose, I just wasn’t hungry). Then I got on anxiety meds, which were life-changing. I realized that my persistent lifelong suicidal ideation was mostly anxiety-related.

My next girlfriend I met through school (I was a third year grad student, she was a junior in college- I wasn’t in a position of authority over her or anything), we got along really well. She had a boyfriend when we started hanging and her bf had been abusive to her too (we kinda commiserated about it), but in different ways- he was controlling and he sexually assaulted her. We started spending time together and went out drinking on a night and her boyfriend picked her up at the end of the night. When they got home, he raped her. That was really rough and I was there for her through it as best I could. We kept in touch over that summer and by the fall we were dating.

I was head over heels from the start and really deeply in love with her. She graduated and got into a really great grad school a couple states away. We did long distance for a year until I finished my PhD, then I moved to live with her while she finished her PhD.

It was really rough at first. I couldn’t find a job that used my degree and my home state didn’t give me unemployment so I was broke broke, like $0 in my bank account, applying to anywhere I could, going to the food pantry. Eventually I found a job that paid much less than people with my degree usually make, but I was happy to have it.

Around this time she realized she had a drinking problem and, after a few months of work, got sober. We also opened up our relationship- it was something we approached pretty well and always felt like a nice addition to our lives. We had a couple secondary partners and everything got along well. Things weren’t perfect, but we were pretty happy.

Around then I switched my meds up (I’ve got GAD, BP2, PTSD, and depression). The new meds they put me on were not effective, I started rapid cycling and getting really anxious. It was never enough to impact work, but it ruined a vacation we took overseas.

I got laid off in July, which ended my access to health insurance so I switched back to my old meds. The stress of getting laid off and the medication change put me into a really weird depression. We had to go on a trip to a wedding and I literally couldn’t get myself off the floor, so we fought about it and she left the house after telling me off. I remember being so full of self loathing and angry at myself. I went into my bathroom, tied my bootlaces around my neck, and then started to hang myself from my bathroom door. I got about halfway through it and got scared so I stopped. I told her about it, she came back, we went to the ER, I didn’t go to inpatient because I couldn’t afford it, then we just went home.

A suicide attempt is weird because I am both the victim and the penetrator of what happened. I went to therapy before it, but couldn’t afford therapy anymore because of the unemployment. We went to couples therapy through her work and I thought things were working.

That November her aunt was murdered by a home invader, which really messed her up. Then in December she mastered out of her PhD program, but at the same time I found a new, better job.

Right after Christmas while driving at my parents farm she hit and killed her dog. She was inconsolable, but I buried the dog for her and then sold the silver I had for my jewelry making hobby so that she could buy a new dog since she couldn’t find a good job after grad school. So I was the only one paying for everything- rent, bills, pets, etc. I started a side gig selling things on FB marketplace to get her spending money.

In January she asked me to marry her and I said yes, we started planning for a wedding on Halloween this year. I started to struggle with polyamory, but we were working through it together in couples therapy. Then in April her stepfather strangled her mother during a fight, so she went down to be with her mother through that.

When she got back I picked her up at the airport and everything seemed okay, then in the morning she told me that she was ending things. No bargaining, no ultimatum, just over. She left the house and I had to take care of the dogs. She moved in with our (now formally) mutual partner. She told my parents and her parents that she was ending things about a week before she told me. I was the last one to know. She was worried I’d kill myself, which is reasonable I guess.

I couldn’t eat for a week, it took me two weeks to fall asleep without the assistance of THC, and I was crying at random times for about a month.

I spent the next couple months redecorating the house so that there’s nothing that reminds me of her.

My mental health since then is mostly good but occasionally spotty, my suicidal ideation has come creeping back (to be clear, I’m no danger to myself or others, I don’t have a plan, it’s just a persistent intrusive thought, and an overall morbidity), I’m great when I’m hypomanic or normal (which I am 75% of the time), but feel like I’m hollowed out maybe 25% of the time.

What’s funny is that since then my side gig has kinda taken off and our upstairs neighbor moved out so two things were were stressed by (having to be quiet during sex and having enough money) are no longer an issue for me.

Now I’m dating around, I have four or five people I see regularly, some of whom I even love- but I’m not seeing any way to be comfortable committing to anyone again. It seems far too risky to put my energy primarily into one person because it has not worked out the last three times. I’m a romantic still, I want to get married, have stability, and build with someone- ultimately I crave stability and comfort. But it’s so hard to believe that I’ll ever love again the way I have in the past.

The idea of falling deeply in love feels like giving someone permission to hurt me and leave me alone in 4-5 years. Every time has felt earth-shattering and even more difficult to bounce back from.

Honestly, across all of this I am the common denominator. It could well be that I’m not built for the kind of relationship I aspire to? I think I’m a decent and lovable fellow, even my most recent breakup ended with a shared ‘I love you’. I think of myself as good and desirable, but my ability to form the kind of deep, close love that I want to feels handicapped.

TL;DR: it’s been a rough few years, I’ve had relationships fail, I’m feeling incapable of forming the kind of love I want

as the title says. i’ll literally lie about random bullshit in my life. never anything serious, never about anything important. i’ll just alter stories or make up random details that aren’t true. like for literally no reason. for example today i literally lied to my partners mom about how i got my cat. i literally blurted out that he was a street cat. not true i got him at a shelter but for some reason i didn’t say that. i’m the worst at lying when it comes to serious situations (ive never cheated on a partner, never did anything like that) but like ill make up stories when im around people i dont know or im not comfortable with. i genuinely hate it. i feel so guilty about it and it literally keeps me up at night sometimes being like why the fuck did i do that? like that was so unnecessary i didn’t need to do that. i don’t know how to stop though.

I’ve typed this out a lot and it always gets too long so I’m going to try and condense this, but I will definitely give context in the comments if wanted!

I (19f) have a childhood best friend Ray (20f) who recently got engaged to John (19M). To be blunt, John is an awful guy. Before they started dating two years ago John tried to date me, and sent unsolicited pictures that quickly ended in him being blocked. Not soon after that (a week) he started dating Ray. Ray has been made aware of this multiple times but Rays defense is that John said he was trying to use me to get to her because “he’s romantic like that”…. Okay bro. Since that day they started dating. John has been like every stereotypical terrible boyfriend. Constant cheating, complaining, unemployment, and using Ray for everything . All of which Ray has complained about, and has chosen to ignore. John constantly ignores Ray and tells her that he doesn’t like her. Ray chooses to ignore it. No matter how many times you try to show Ray that John is horrible, there’s always an excuse. You can’t help someone who doesn’t see a problem. So I gave up and tried to ignore her relationship and focus on just our friendship. Two months ago visited Ray in my hometown. (I moved to california 2 years ago, Ray lives in Missouri).

I had a miserable time. Not just because there’s nothing to do in Missouri but because the once ambitious, forward thinking, no BS best friend I once had has become a miserable, complaining, mean person who can do no wrong and everything is everyone else’s fault. The entire trip she insulted me, my career, my body. Telling me my bloating is just me getting fat, I’m too ambitious, and my clothes suck. Her boyfriend went everywhere with us and complained the entire time about our choices for things to do. Which got worse when I told them I was uncomfortable with john driving while high. After the trip Ray tried suggesting a trip to california that I would pay for, I gave an excuse I thought would keep the peace more than “I don’t want you to come because you suck” and was met with a VERY angry text full of insults. So after that I distanced myself. A month after she called me with a half apology and asked to talk again. I agreed but still kept my distance. I know friends grow apart and I assumed this was one of those times.

Flash forward to now. Ray texts me with a ring on her finger and says she’s engaged. I FaceTime her and hear her sniffling with excitement and John in the background yelling at a video game. John proposed in bed 10 minutes ago after they woke up from a nap. How romantic! I say congrats and offer to talk later because I know I’m unable to hide my dissatisfaction and don’t want her to see it. After I hang up Ray starts half complaining and half defending the proposal? Saying, “the proposal wasn’t exactly what I wanted and thought it would be, and he got the ring from Walmart. But I’ve been asking for months and he’s such a good boyfriend for putting thought into it. So I don’t see anything wrong”. I simply respond back with “that’s good” and leave it at that. She plans to get eloped to this unemployed man and not tell her family. I’m not happy for her at all. He’s not a good person, she knows that, has even said it. She chooses to ignore his ignorant comments, his cheating, and expects everyone else to ignore it too. She asked me a few hours ago if I would throw her a bachelorette and if I could pay for it. I told her no and she sent me a voice memo of him calling me a bitch and greedy for not throwing a bachelorette party for my best friend. (Is it even normal to get a bachelorette party when getting eloped??) I’m done. Im so disappointed in the person Ray is becoming. I’m not happy for her engagement not only because of the person she’s engaged to, but from the person she’s becoming. Part of me feels bad for not being happy, but the rest of me feels tired and doesn’t care. People grow apart. I think after 10 years of friendship we’ve reached that point. It hurts a lot but I’m starting to make amends with it and know it’ll be okay.

I hate my dad.

I'll try my best to respond to comments, but I do work a lot and only come to reddit sometimes. Tonight though, I just needed somewhere to put this. I'm a little tipsy at the moment so please bear with me.

Yes, I know he's my dad. I know I'm supposed to love him. He did provide for me as a kid, but things I learned as a teenager and a young adult have simply made me so angry, I can't.

I loved him. I even had a little shirt my mom bought me that said "my daddy is my hero" that I'd wear when I was 6-ish. And that statement was true. He was.

But then, the divorce came. Cracks started to show. I was a teenager and irritatingly edgy at the time to try and cope with what was happening around me. Hell. I wanted them to divorce. They seemed so unhappy and like they were staying married just for us.

What I didn't expect was for him to cheat on my mom. The day 15 year old me found that out, I slapped his face. And he didn't fight back. The next time I did something like that though, he had told me if he were any less of a man than he was today that he would have beat the shit out of me.

Despite what I knew at that point, I felt so guilty about hurting a man I cared about. He's my dad. I had to have gone too far, even though I know I was just an upset teenager.

I'm an adult now and have learned more. That wasn't his first time cheating. There was even a time where he strangled my mother in front of my (at the time) four year old older sister. He cheated multiple times. There was an occasion where he promised my mother a date after he spent an hour playing videogames. His brother had joined him and they ended up playing for eight hours instead, completely neglecting her. She told me she cried alone in their room so that me and my sister wouldn't hear her tears, and that it was the most unimportant she has felt. As a result, video games was a huge negative trigger for her despite the problem being my dad.

I feel bad. I don't want to hate him, but he's gotten this happy ending while my mother suffers as a single mom in a shitty house that doesn't even have a working air conditioner. This is all the reason for me to try and help her more, but my dad keeps trying to mend our relationship and I just. Don't think I want to. I don't need advice, I probably just need to go back to therapy when I can afford it and try to move on from this. Tonight, I just needed to vent.

I don't know if I'm right.

I got divorced almost two years ago, I really resent the way things ended because she didn't manage things correctly from her part, I was a mess because of it, I feel like I'm getting better, but I'm not sure. Anyway, everytime I tell my story to someone new, I stop and say "I'd rather not talk about it, I promised myself I won't speak badly about her". I feel she deserves to be known for who she is and not for the image she shows everyone, but I decided to let time take care of it.

I hope I'm clear about my point. I open my heart here because it feels like a safe space.

I don't like long posts , so I gave you a very short version.

My bf and I have been together 10 years and have 2 kids together. We just bought a house and I just realized this weekend that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I’ve felt this way for a while now but this weekend it really set in that I can’t nor do I want to be with him anymore. We are doing couple therapy and she asked each of us what % are we committed to each other and I said 50% and laughed it felt good saying I don’t think I see a future with him finally. Idk what to do. I don’t even care about the house and I just want to sell it and be done with him. We don’t touch anymore, there’s absolutely no romance between us anymore. I have been avoiding sex because I just can’t have sex with him anymore. I don’t want him touching me. We can’t even talk anymore anytime we interact we fight. I am emotionally and verbally abused in my relationship, he’s such an angry man and takes it out on everyone in the house. I don’t want my kids growing up with an angry man in the house. Or my kids seeing their mom being treated how he treats me. Idk what to do or idk what we even can do in regard to the house and selling it a month after buying it. But I just can’t do life with him anymore. I’m so stuck and I’m so alone. And I just want to leave, idk where I’ll go but anywhere is probably better than staying with him.

I have had two phones in my life. One was an LG Q Stylo, one was an Iphone 11. I got the LG when I was about 13, maybe a little older. I loved it. It was slow, buggy, and not the most well made thing ever. Literally all of the buttons fell off. But, it had a nice big screen.

I used it mainly for music and watching youtube. I downloaded thousands of songs on it. Some were remixes I made by hand. Some were gifts from friends. Some were covers. I did draw some stuff on it when I was a kid, though not a ton.

I'm stupid. The phone began to say that android mobile services was not working properly as a consistent pop up. When I googled the answer, I saw someone saying to uninstall and reinstall android mobile services. I did. But, when I uninstalled it, the phone reset. Now, it's stuck in a mode which is just a black screen with text. Most likely, the best I can get is to send it in for data recovery. I can't afford that. The worst part? Apparently if I'd just deleted some shit, freeing up space could've easily solved the problem.

So. Now my phone is gone. The phone I've had since I was a child. The phone I used to play Skullgirls on. The phone I used to make songs when I was a kid who didn't know anything about how to make music. The phone I wrote my first book on when I was eighteen because I liked it more than my iphone. The phone where I saved photos of my friend's now deceased dog. The phone where I had a song saved that had been made for me. The phone I used to do classes on Zoom in 2020. All my random notes over the years, gone.

All because I was stupid.

I’m so upset, I feel blindsided. After 6 years together, my (24f) boyfriend (24m) just broke up with me. He said that for the past couple of months he’s been doubting our relationship and he doesn’t want to keep it going. It doesn’t make sense to me, we’re happy, we were planing on getting married in the future, I feel like there’s something he’s not telling me for why he wanted to break up. It feels like this isn’t real and it isn’t my life, I genuinely don’t know how to accept it.

Sometimes I want to hook my fingers into my jaw and pull out all my teeth, just to see what would happen - to ruin my own life, get caught in the firestorm laughing, bleed and burn and feel alive for once, ripping the roots out one by one.

Of course, I've got a grip. Throttle those thoughts til they die limp in your hands, because they really will have consequences. I have so much of a grip that I hardly do anything at all - I hardly, hardly, hardly do anything at all, and I'm so goddamn lonely, but I've got a clean record and great grades in all my college classes and a few good but not best friends so I must have a stellar life on paper.

Idle indecision with no vision for the future - following the rules etched in the dirt but refusing law school, so I've got no idea what I'm gonna do at all, since the dreams I had at one point were unachievable and now I'm locked in the tower of abstinence, lacking want and void of ambition or forward-thought, stuck sitting and switching between tabs on my computer.

I strangle what desires I do have because I'd be cut off from my family if I expressed them at all - the desire to live as something that I was not born into, was forcibly molded out of, was herded away from; I can't stomach the sight of myself, too terrified to even think of love.

So I go and do nothing with my Labor Day, go nowhere, and all the world sees from outside is this awkward, grubby "woman" who has no talent, laughs too loud, talks too much, and yet still manages to say nothing at all.

What's the end of this? What's gonna happen? If it continues like this I'm gonna graduate and be left swimming in all that nothing I prepared for myself, directionless forever and ever until the end, losing what I had and took for granted.

(kind of a vent? not quite, more just attempting to articulate the What)

Several years ago I left a controlling, toxic church. It wasn’t a cult per se, but it wasn’t far off. Now I’m lonely and struggle to feel like my life matters.

I got involved there as a college student and was a member for about six or seven years (it wasn’t a clean break).

I was lonely before I began attending. That’s how I got sucked in. The social support was incredible, but it came at the cost of obedience and conformity, of complete self-sacrifice to God and each other. That might sound okay until you end up in a situation where you literally put your life on the line for beliefs that you begin to realize are subtly horrifying.

Now that I’m fully out, my loneliness is back. Nothing feels like an adequate substitute for the close knit community I had in that church. I struggle to be involved in other churches anymore and can really only handle being on the outskirts. Some of my family and friends still attend my old church and treat me like I am contaminated. It’s isolating.

I miss feeling like I belonged, like my life had a great cosmic purpose, and like I could count on the church for literally everything. I’m all alone now.

Tomorrow will mark 2 years after my first girlfriend broke up with me and honestly it's only getting worse. 8 months no contact yet I haven't completely lost hope or maybe faith that one day we could be together again, but I think it's time for me to lose that hope.

I hate to compare myself to my friends but one of my closest ones got broken up with about a month ago and we've been talking about how we've been feeling but he's doing very very well and I'm the opposite. He and his ex girlfriend were together for 7 years, my and my ex girlfriend were together for 2 years, I know everyone's different and handles grief differently but I felt jealous of him and I hate that.

I really wish I didn't feel this way about my friend and specially about my ex girlfriend.

I told my friend how I felt and he gave me reassurance and made me realize how stupid I was being jealous of him. He tried encouraging me to embrace change and how everything's gonna be fine in due time but I'm desperate. I really don't want to give up the last bit of hope of being with my ex girlfriend again but at the same time I'm tired of feeling like this. Tired of waking up thinking about her all day long until I faint from exhaustion at night while still thinking about her.

I believe she's in a relationship and thought this could change the tides and make me stray away from my constant thinking and reminiscing about her but it's only made me feel worse.

Why can't I move on? Why can't I deal with this intense suffering and melancholy? Why did I do those things knowing she was hurting.

I feel like I'm irredeemable

Sorry for such a negative and pessimistic post, honestly I just wanted to get this out somewhere.

It feels so difficult for me (33f) to find a quality lover! The last 2 relationships I’ve had there basically sexless as one partner was addicted to viagra before we met and I didn’t want him to use that while we were together as i don’t enjoy the energy it creates (artificial hard on and forced, tension led type of arousal instead of through a relaxed body) \\\~ which ended up meaning we didn’t have sex because he struggled so much with his ED and didn’t want to do the work to address it .. we had a beautiful friendship but ya no sexy time ..
and then the last partner was just very inexperienced and insecure sexually and we weren’t able to really meet in a sexual encounter that I could fully relax into because he wasn’t very relaxed in himself to begin with

For reference, I am an attractive woman with a deeply sensual, sexual energy and I know that can be both appealing and also a bit intimidating for men ..
I have spent years exploring my sexuality through embodiment, tantra and many other pathways that have helped me to really inhabit myself in a deep way.. and although I am very sexual I’m still very particular who I share that with as I need to feel a sense of emotional intimacy, respect and care in order for me to open myself in that way ..

And god sometimes I just want to be having sexxxx! I’m sorry but so much on what is on offer these days is quite underwhelming, so many beautiful men have just not turned towards their own shadows around sexuality and the ways their porn addiction and fear of intimacy block them from being truly good lovers.

I have a lot of compassion for this and I’m also so over feeling unmet and bored by the small range in which they are able to engage intimately.

I’ve considered taking a female lover lol and I do enjoy women but I love men !

I sign up for the apps and am appalled by what’s on there.. I’ve given many people a chance and they just talk about themselves the whole time.. boring! Brothers, why don’t you ask questions? I’m sure they’re just nervous and trying to fill the space most of the time but I’m just overrrrr the effort it takes to try get a sense of satisfying connection., and that’s before sex is even a consideration!

To be blunt, I also just want to be fucked, well. With heart, attunement, and by a man in full approval of the primal beast inside of him. It’s rare to find a man who both inhabits his beast AND his heart, and can stay present with him desire and arousal instead of being overwhelmed and at the mercy of it.

I know I’m wanting a lot. I also bring a lot, most men I engage with end up becoming much better lovers just by how I teach them through my body what I (and a lot of women) want.. I know there are lots of great men out there.. but I just want a loverrrr!

I get shy to approach or open my energy to men in public because I don’t want them to think I’m easy lol.. but then I think they don’t know I’m available either. Eeeeepppp!!

Just ventinggggg. And open to encouraging reflections.
It’s a multi layered topic and I’m not trying to acknowledge every single point coz I just need to get this out, so don’t come for me! lol

It’s honestly been years since I’ve had good consistent sex, if you met me you’d be sooo surprised .. but I feel like I’m dying inside :(

 TL;DR: My boyfriend and I took psychedelics on a trip, and what started as a fun night turned into him getting angry over small things, pressuring me to marry him, accusing me of cheating, and carelessly  hurting my blistered hand after I told him it was painful. We fought for hours while I was essentially trapped there. He later called his abusive behavior “passion.” I’ve realized how often he makes me feel scared and sad, and I’m finally ready end it

.

Last week my bf said his dad had a 1-day job for him in the city, 2 hours away. We could make some money and have fun, so I said yes. We’d been fighting a lot but had a pretty good week. We found a nice hotel with a 24-hour pool and took a psychedelic chocolate bar.

While tripping, I reminded him to grab my water shoes. He kept putting it off, so I asked, “Do you not want to get my shoes?” He said no. I said I’d get them myself, but he got upset and shouted at me I should “never ask him to do anything while he’s tripping.” We eventually made up and went swimming.

At the pool, he suddenly seriously asked me to marry him. I said I wasn’t ready. He said “only if you want to,” which calmed me down. Later, my hands started blistering badly from the hot tub. I recently developed eczema on my hands and didn’t know that would happen. I showed him and said they really hurt. A few minutes later he slapped my hand in a “low five.” I screamed because it hurt. He said I should’ve been nicer and that I was making things too serious.

Then he said if I didn’t want to marry him, we were over. We fought for hours, including him accusing me of cheating because he supposedly got a message from someone who knew my cats’ names. I eventually made nice because I was trapped there and didn’t want him being mean for the next 36 hours.

Later he called his abusive behavior “passion” because his feelings are so strong. I’ve been thinking about all the times he’s made me feel unsafe, like telling me to get out of the car in the middle of nowhere and then getting offended that I believed him.

I don’t want to be scared of my boyfriend anymore. I never thought I’d let myself get into an abusive relationship.

I know people are going to say that he will eventually hit me but he could never intentionally physically hurt me or any woman, child or animal. He doesn’t even like to hit men, but will if he needs to. But I don’t want to be scared in all the other ways it’s possible to be scared. 

so I’m ending it today in a matter of hours. 

I'm the definition of blind leading blind - a counselor who plans on ceasing by the end of the year. I've been struggling with the same things as many of my patients so I've stopped practice for the last 4 months but nothing is working and I just keep hurting self

I'm worried I may have not been in the right mind for former patients while I was still practicing . Nbdy ceased under my watch but I worry about lasting impact. I'm going to get help very (appointment ))soon but needed an outlet before I sleep for tonight