I just want the thoughts to stop

[u/Thrwmeawayplsthx]

I lost my best years to my ex. I never wanted that relationship but felt so worthless and unlovable. She showered me with affection and I became addicted. I ignored the warning signs and then I was her caretaker all out of a sudden. It just got worse and worse, I was always not very outgoing but I had some people with whom I hung out. She just didn't fill her life with anything but me anymore. There is a lot more to write but bottom line, stuck, neglected myself, isolated myself...

She got worse and worse and it culminated with her master's thesis which completely burnt us both out. A few months after she cheated. I had a job, she didn't. She didn't know what to do, just stayed at home and literally made plans to cheat, started making me feel crazy by insinuating stuff and so on. I later found out after insane gaslighting and manipulation. And then we stayed in the same apartment 2 more years. I still felt responsible for her, I was a wreck which also made her feel like she couldn't leave me alone, but she'd also pick insane fights because of me being open about the fact that I want her gone so I can start building my life without her. It was an insane mess with no boundaries kept. After a year I at least managed to stop us having sex. I had tried a couple of times but she kept pushing and up until some point I let it happen. It's not like I didn't enjoy it, but it made me feel like shit after.

After those two years I turned 30. I blamed myself for everything. I had ruined my PhD at that point but still had a year of contract. I didn't snap out of it, I just got worse and worse. I started working out and basically numbed myself with that. I met the girl of my dreams by some miracle but then I started really breaking down. I tore myself apart over my life, the guilt I felt, everything and I just completely disintegrated. I lost her, I stopped sleeping, I started harming myself and then I finally got into therapy. All it did was stabilize my sleep through medication. The rest didn't work. For this whole year I pretended but I just ruined my life more and more. Unemployed, PhD to finish, no end in sight. I switched medication and hope it kicks in. The first almost 3 weeks have been hell. I wake up shaking, knowing nothing will ever be ok, have the urge to hurt myself. I lost so much time and I keep losing more. But I have no control over my thoughts, no perspective helps. I feel crazy telling people how I feel because at some point they just don't understand what it's like when your body and mind really tell you that death is the only way out. There is nothing on the other side of this, I will never be ok with not having been the guy I wanted to be in my 20s. I see no value in the life beyond this. I don't want a family, I don't want a fulfilling career, I just want to have made the fun reckless experiences all the people around me made and not have just isolated myself with a sick person and been the absolute worst version of myself. And my mind just tells me it's all over, that I should just do something to make it stop forever.

[u/Wyspiansky07]

I want you to know that you’re not alone in this and I do understand the weight of the shitload you’re going through at the moment.

I have very similar thoughts like you do - that I’ve wasted my 20s. I was all about going about my degree and bar exam, and looking for relationship that eventually failed. In the last 1.5 year I was in a relationship with a girl, that I’ve thought I’m going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. It was all a mirage. Ultimately I’ve left without relationship, was laid off my job, lost friends and basically I’ve made few poor choices. It pushed me to the limit, where I even didn’t wanted to live anymore, suicidal thought kicked off. But it’s not a remedy. Basically I’m now in my early 30 trying to solve my life from the scratch.

I’m really, really sorry for you. If you want to catch up - feel free to DM

[u/Thrwmeawayplsthx → u/Wyspiansky07]

Thank you for your words. It doesn't matter in the end though. There is no way things will ever feel ok. My whole life was this absolute nothing. There was nothing else and I just ruined it beyond repair. There is nothing to do about all the things I missed and I'll never get over that.

[u/Wyspiansky07 → u/Thrwmeawayplsthx]

I guess you're still young and intelligent men. Your intellectual resources are still there and you have to reach for it, rebuild it step by step. I know it won't be the same as it was. It's terribly painful, even scary at some point. I'm myself struggling with this thought, but there is nothing else left to do. We have to find ours real identity and build life accordingly around it. Give yourself time for new meds to kick in. It isn't the best idea to form such fundamental conclusions in the state of absolute emotional and physical depletion.

[u/Thrwmeawayplsthx → u/Wyspiansky07]

It's been formed in the two years I still lived with her and cemented when I met that other ex.because I saw what I should have been while young. Yes, I'll stick with the meds, but I can't guide my mind at all, it's just pure destruction non-stop and I'd honestly rather be dead. And I don't want to be inferior damaged goods for the rest of my life. I'll always be a guy who experienced nothing and missed out on being young and lost his best years to wishing he was dead.

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