The person who was being served asks why he's talking to a horse.

Sorry, I meant little people. 😱😭🤤🫡🧐

The sheep gets incredibly stressed because kangaroos are highly territorial and prone to boxing unfamiliar animals in their enclosure.

Pre-nut psychosis

Gotcha!

Rivers don't have brains and thus aren't capable of emotions such as sadness

Then he was promptly arrested, as you'd expect.

The other members are Rouge the Bat and Shadow the Hedgehog.

Their souls start floating to heaven at the same time, and they start chatting about the lives they had lived up until the crash.

As they ascended up past the bus, the black guy says, "Oh well. I worked hard, I was a family man, and I'm generally happy with what I've accomplished here."

Instantly, his soul shot all the way to heaven, leaving the other two.

As they ascended up into the clouds, the white guy says "Just as well. I lived a long, happy life, and my family will be quite wealthy once I pass."

Instantly, his soul shot all the way up to heaven, leaving the Japanese soul alone.

As the soul ascended into space, the Japanese guy had no one to tell his story to, so God let him panic for a second and then pulled him up, too.

I assume the Japanese dude was also pretty happy with where he was in life, if that's how it works in this story and if he wants to he can talk to these guys later just in a soul language or whatever.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to comprehend human language,
defecates on the floor and walks out.

It gets wet.

The fish. Because I'm at work rn

absolute quiet, the son replies, "At the library studying."
SLAP! The robot hits the son across the face.

The son groans, "Okay, fine! I was at a friend's house watching movies!"
The husband asks, "Which movie?"
"Harry Potter," says the son.
SLAP! The robot strikes again.

"Alright! It was a dirty movie!" the son confesses.
The husband shakes his head and says, "At your age, I didn't even know what that was!"
SLAP! The robot hits the husband square in the jaw.

The wife bursts out laughing and says, "Ha! He really is your son!"
SLAP!

He leveraged existing synergies.

You'll never guess how many marbles I ate!

Zero. Eating marbles is bad for your health.

A birthday was walking down the road one day when it came upon a man sitting on a fence, whittling.

"Where you headed?" the man asked.

"Nowhere in particular," said the birthday. "Just looking for somebody who'll be surprised by me."

"What number are you?"

"Forty-eight."

The man set down his knife. "Well, there's your trouble. Fifty gets a cake shaped like a tombstone. Forty gets a sports car and a rumor. Forty-eight gets a text from a dentist."

"Two of them," said the birthday. "And a coupon."

They sat a while.

"The strange part," the birthday said, "is that my fella's in good shape. Runs. Lifts. Sleeps fine. Could take most thirty-year-olds up a hill and not need to talk about it after."

"So what's the complaint?"

"Nobody believes it. Man does something entirely ordinary. Carries a couch, catches a ball, goes up two flights. And some kid says *not bad!* like he watched a horse do subtraction."

The man nodded. "That's the whole racket. Once you cross a certain year, everything you do gets graded on a curve you never asked to be on. You could set a personal record and somebody'd say you look great *for your age,* which is the only compliment that also files a complaint."

"Last week a young man at work called an idea of mine interesting. Using my own tone. The one I invented."

"That's a theft, technically."

"There's no court for it."

They watched a truck go by.

"They keep telling me I'm young," said the birthday.

"Are you?"

"That's the hell of it. I am. Young enough they still want plans out of me. Old enough I've seen what happens to plans."

The man went back to whittling. "Well, I wouldn't sit down if I were you. Once a birthday sits down, folks start bringing it things."

The father rubs his chin, looks wise, and says, *"Well, son, the brain is a complex neural network that processes data using electrical impulses through billions of synapses."*

The boy blinks, confused, then turns to his mother and asks, *"Mom, how do brains work?"*

The mother looks at her husband, then back at her son, and says, *"It’s the thing your father turns off the second he walks through that front door."*

My therapist told me I have a fear of commitment.

I said, “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

She said, “See? That’s exactly what I mean.”

So I ghosted her.

Now I have commitment issues AND a therapist who thinks I’m dead. 💀

Unless he uses a wheelchair, in which case:

“Before you judge a man, ride a mile in his wheelchair.”

“The grass is blue,” said the donkey.

“No, it’s green,” said the tiger.

They argued for hours, until the tiger said:

“Let’s ask the lion. He is the king of the jungle. He will know.”

So they went to the lion.

The tiger asked:

“Is the grass blue or green?”

The lion looked at them.

“ROAR!”

The tiger waited.

The donkey waited.

The lion scratched himself.

The tiger asked again:

“So… green?”

“ROAR!”

The lion walked away.

Dick Tracy

That was my job when I was helping my uncle fishing in Louisiana

The parrot said, "What's the matter with this guy?"

Man walks into the bar and asks "Where is Pete?"

A tiny guy sitting at the base raises his hand and says "I am Pete"

The man goes to him and punches him in the face and walks out of the bar.

The guy next to him helps him up and asks if he is okay and he says he is.

A few minutes later the same guy rushes into the bar and again asks "Where is Pete?"

The same tiny guy raises his hand again saying he is Pete.

The guy pulls him off the chair, punches him and throws him over the bar and rushes out again.

The bartender and the same guy from before helps him up again, cleans up his face and gives him something to drink.

A few minutes later the same guy rushes into the bar and again asks "Where is Pete?"

The same tiny guy raises his hand again saying he is Pete.

This time the guy beats him up quite badly and leaves the bar.

The bartender and a few other guys help him up again, clean him up and sit him down on the chair. The guy next to him asks "Why do you let that guy fuck you around like that? Why don't you just keep quiet and not tell him you are Pete."

The tiny guy replies "I am the one fucking him around, I am not really Pete..."