I look and behave younger than I am. (As do a lot of us.)

I am so tired. I have isolated to the point that I am writing this on the back porch during a thunderstorm. Needless to say, I am the friendliest person you’ve ever met but I have no close friends. Not a one. I have pushed everyone away.

Just feeling tired today and I am never able to sleep even on ambien. I despise feeling sorry for myself yet here we are.

Hug? 🫂

Idk if this will resonate with anyone else, but part of CPTSD journey was a catastrophe that happened a couple years ago that fractured my entire way of thinking: what I believe, why I believe it, the reality of my own life. I also became hyper-vigilant to the way people around me speak and treat others, and it’s an incredibly disappointing thing to witness performed by the majority of people. There are so many social customs and rules that demean, humiliate, shame, and judge others for entirely arbitrary reasons that most people seem to genuinely believe and adhere to and use as an excuse to reject anyone who doesn’t follow suit.

A lot of these ways of talking and acting are what have developed my CPTSD—social exclusion for not conforming to these things, random judgements based on nonsensical rules—and thinking I’m a worthless, useless human being as a result. I’ve carried so much guilt around all this my whole life for not just being “normal” and thinking/acting like others do to try and fit in, but that just seems a much more natural act for others than it ever would be for me. I’ve also noticed the shallowness in people and how so much of my social life has been dictated by people’s surface-level judgments and desire for the things they think matter: looks, money, etc. It’s just such an isolating experience because I disagree with a lot of these arbitrary behaviors, and yet they’re so important to others that it prevents me from connecting with most humans. And, to boot, they’re the ones thriving off of these behaviors and thoughts and I’m the one who’s suffering in extreme loneliness as a result.

I know I’m being vague here and can provide more specific examples, but idk if it really adds to the point. It’s just so disheartening to see reality clearly for what it is, realizing people are following societal rules blindly and judging you based on them simply because others told them to, and knowing that seeing all this in sharp focus because of your trauma is just another mark against you ever getting to be normal, have friends, have people respect your opinion/voice, and lead the life you want to with people actually liking you and valuing you as a person. Instead, you’re just the “weirdo” with strong opinions who others don’t understand.

Hi, this is my first post here. I'm diagnosed with C-PTSD. I feel like my trauma is so freaking small. I read posts here and think that mine was just tiny..

I had an appointment yesterday and went into some suff. as a protection mechanism, there is some stuff that I can talk about freely, for example this can be about the traumatic experiences its self. these are things that I can talk about have have spoken about with my team. these are bulky enough so we dont have to get down to the main parts but safe enough that I dont feel *AS* disregulated. yesterday we got into never spoken about territory and I just shut down. I've been having awful urges to sh.

I feel like a fraud. I was never trafficked, or physically/sexually abused. my stuff is all family related. and even with that it never really happened TO me as such, just towards mum. but also to me at the same time? I feel so gross for having such a big reaction to the appointment (especially cause it was only like 15 minutes of shame at the end) and its causing a spiral.

I dont think I should keep going with this. it feels so shitty though because its a mix of "its not bad enough to feel this bad" and "I feel really bad". maybe its just from carrying this for so long but the actual issues lies in I think my therapist is going to judge me.

I love him to bits, I have known him for 2 years at this point (he did my DBT program as well) and I do not want to change therapists. I feel like he is going to hear what I deem 'the worst parts' and be like wtf is this chic on about, this is nothinggggggg.

sorry for the rant guys, I dont really know what I need? I think I just need this out into the world so I'm not holding it all alone.

edit: thank you for all the support, I would just like to add that in no way am I trying to invalidate others trauma, this is a fear that I have that my therapist is well aware of. this is our 4th session doing emdr, after the second one I shut down and we did I think 2-3 weeks of parts work (structural dissociation).

additionally, I also have ASD, ADHD and BPD ( I feel like I have the whole alphabet) so these also impact my daily functioning and responses to trauma greatly.

Trauma recovery is often weird and shows up in little ways in almost every part of my life I’m realizing.

My mom always would make such a big deal about me buying personal hygiene products when I was a teenager. So as I grew up, I used super cheap products that ruined my skin/hair over time and I developed sensitivities to products that were overloaded with chemicals.

She’d also complain about me wanting my own razor/shaving cream. We shared a shower when I was a teenager and would say “well just use mine because you don’t use it enough for me to justify buying you one.” Which looking back, was absolutely insane to say to a teenager who was already incredibly self conscious and had PCOS which made me develop hair in large quantities and in places other AFAB teens didn’t normally have.

I’m in my late twenties now. I love the feeling of smooth legs in fresh sheets and somehow that was something I denied myself the opportunity until I realized today I could literally buy a razor and shaving cream and make myself feel a tiny bit better. So I grabbed a razor with a pink sparkly handle and sensitive-skin shave oil (which I had no idea was even a thing!!!).

When I was a teenager, my mom would say those things are “splurges” when looking at the prices today, they’re no more expensive than the “regular” products??

So I’m gonna go use my pink razor and take a shower and feel my skin against fresh sheets for the first time in years. 🥰🎉 it’s the little things sometimes.

Edit: just took a 30 minute shower and shaved ALLLL over 🤪 I feel so free!!!!! Gonna go lay on my sheets and cry with joy now 🫠

TW for CSA, torture, and trafficking.

The trauma in question? Me being reduced to my dad's sex slave, me being sex trafficked, and me being tortured. I hate, hate, hate this. Sorry, I know it's minor, I just wish there was someplace safe I could air my frustrations out to.

i hate it. sometimes i wish i could make myself look uglier. every time someone approaches me they are just looking for some casual sexual stuff… and i hate it. i hate being desired. i hate my body being something others want. i hate my face being pretty to others. i hate being viewed sexually - but when i say it and expect people to be normal about it, they are not. i can feel the vibe shift instantly. but of course they keep lying about "liking" me as a whole (while actively looking already for someone else and getting distant).

maybe it is my fault for trying to trust people like a naive person. maybe it is my fault for trying to meet new people (especially online ugh dating apps make it so easy for them to keep looking for others).

but i just wanted to be liked as who i am. just once. and now i am hurt again.

I have had an interesting last few days and want to share this experience.

I carry a lot of trauma around moving with my family. This time, I was supposed to have some help moving out of my parent’s place, but unsurprisingly “help” is never help in a dysfunctional family.

On move-in day I loaded up my car myself and spent one night in my new space, and the next day I went back to grab more of my things. I walked in and found all of my things in a large pile by the front door. Mostly my things, but also petty things (things they didn’t want anymore and gifts I had given them). It sucked, honestly. Made my heart sink. My parent saw me and went upstairs. I just packed it all in my car and left.

I arrived totally exhausted and began unloading my things when my neighbor (who had introduced themself a day prior) asked if I wanted some help.

…help???? Uh yes, please. 👀

My neighbor began unloading my car, offered to carry some of the heavy items, and even asked where they should place the boxes around my home. Then, another neighbor came over and asked if they could lend a hand because it looked like it was going to rain soon (?!). I said yes… and we got it done in like 15 minutes.

Two (practical) strangers helped me move and my landlord brought me cookies to welcome me to the neighborhood. It feels healing and I wanted to share.

Agoraphobic ocd autism cptsd chronic pain I feel too mentally ill to live I have therapy and meds it’s not helping me I’m too disabled and ill

Emotionally and financially. A life where no is ever mad at me. A life where I never get in trouble. When will that happen? I am 32 I can't take it anymore.

Growing up in an abusive home, I never dreamt about my wedding or proposal or anything like that. In my past relationships, I had nightmares of being forced into marriage.

All of that changed when I met my partner (now fiance!). I'm so happy to have found someone who gets me. To have someone who loves me with no strings attached. I'm so ready to continue to break the cycle and continue to work to be the best partner I can be.

When I’m not working, all I wanna do is masturbate, each junk food, and watch TV. I tell myself I’m going to do so much on my day off and I never do. Why? Is anyone else the same?

Sometimes everything is fine, nobody is upset with me, and there’s no immediate problem to deal with, but I still feel like I’m waiting for something bad to happen.
It’s such a strange feeling because I know I’m safe, but my body doesn’t seem to believe it.
I’m curious if anyone else experiences this and what helped you feel genuinely relaxed again.

By narcissists or narcissistic people?
It is too tired to survive...

I'm not going to do it. But I can't stop thinking about it. I'm 46. Things are getting worse not better. Therapy 2x a week with a good trauma therapist for 7 years. (And even still i always assume he is going to yell at me, drop me. And i still am not convinced that he cares about me..i don't think i will ever believe anyone cares about me no matter what they do or for how long they do it). I've tried so many meds. Ketamine therapy 2x. Tms therapy 2x. CPTSD, anxiety and depression as long as I remember.

A raging dad, a mom who didn't protect me, no boundaries, sexually abused by a cousin when I was like 7, no support from anyone in or outside the family. Significant body pain and tears in the past few years where I don't want to get out of bed most days. I don't do surgeries because they terrify me and assume it will get worse, as has been the case for my life overall.

No deep relationships. A few superficial ones. I've become less social over the years whereas I used to be very social. I don't work anymore even though I have a very good graduate degree. I can't bring myself to do the work...I only got the degree bc on my parents but I hate the work and I'm too mentally fucked now to work. Was living alone which became terrifying the last year and now moved in with my sisters family.

Many times I've told my therapist I am uniquely flawed. After so much therapy I can know intellectually my parents fucked up and its not my fault but emotionally there is no connection and nothing changes.

I come here to vent. I want to think that if people respond to my post that maybe it will help. But honestly, if all the above hasn't, then this won't either.

Wish I was dead.

I don't want to continue anymore. I want to kill myself but I am scared. This world is full of narcissists and savages. I don't belong here. I'm trying to figure out a way to kill myself that is peaceful and swift but it is not easy. I don't do anything anymore.

I don't want to specify which age this occurred in (tho definitely when I was still a minor).

You see I was already a cocsa victim before, so it only made me into a hypersexual teenager. I have a piss kink (it developed "naturally" in me, no influence from a person and i still have this), and I was really horny and really wanted to connect with other people with this kink. I joined a discord server that was about toilet fetishes in general, and it was for some reason 16+ instead of 18+ like it should be. There thought I stated I was not into scat or farts, the adults in the server groomed me into it, and made me make videos on it, basically fetish csam.

In the end I did realise how fucked it was, and I left immediately after deleting all my vids from the server and eventually deleting my account all together. But I'm sure some guys on there may have saved it and it may be out there somewhere...the fact disgusts me and makes me want to cry. I just hope nobody recognises it's me...

Now, I've swung the exact opposite way and i have developed extreme cropophobia. I have always kinda had it, but since this experience any poop has become a huge trigger for me. I can't look at poop without crying and being extremely repulsed. I can't even look at my own poop in the toilet. I think a factor may be my potential ocd too, but idk I'm not daignosed with it

So that's my story

TW- csa, self deprecating language, SI, sh

this is a vent post but I recognize that the blame is all on me and I need to do better regarding this.

My csa was not typical in any way, it is so far removed from majority of the csa that I just can't engage with csa related stuff anymore or I end up cutting myself. I was not fawning or groomed or coping or wanted love or attention. I was not the picture of a good kid or an actual victim. I enjoyed it, I was engaging of self stimulating behavior before the abuse began. I actually liked it (it was not a spoof of my nervous system or confusion or involuntary), I was in control, I came every time since he would only even perform oral on me and I showed absolutely no symptoms of a child being abused- nightmares, bed wetting, behavioral issues, dissociation etc. Nothing. And when I realized years later that it was csa, it was in passing, no feelings or onset ptsd.

I only recently developed feelings about what happened, especially after being exposed to other's experiences here and that coupled with a bout of bad mental health made me spiral and now I just hate my childhood self. For not having been affected and for not acting like a victim. I have made a lot of posts about it on different subreddits and often use derogatory words like slut or whore for myself.

I recently got banned from a woman related online space here for making a post, they had told me not to do it since it is a form of digital self harm and it would not be good for other victims to read this and that cases like mine need to be discussed with therapists or only in highly trauma informed spaces since they can be used by bad people to justify their actions and can feel like an expose on how csa is not damaging at all. I didn't really listen to them and ended up making another vent post while triggered and ended up getting permanently banned.

I just feel ashamed and so pathetic. I know that they are right and that I just need to redirect this to a better place but thinking that I am dysregulating other victims with my shit, possibility coming off as a predator, or enticing them even and being a nuisance to the point of having to be removed from a female centric space makes me want to hurt myself.

I don't belong here since I don't have cptsd and I cannot relate to anyone here and I can't belong to other spaces since I am too volatile and my experience is too weird and 'sensitive' to talk about. What the fuck is wrong with me then? I was supposed to be like other victims, I was supposed to have pain, suffering and trauma to talk about, not nothingness and shame.

title i guess

i have… long history with relationships

i’ve been sexually assaulted before

and i can’t help but feel like i still deserve to be used
like that’s my purpose in the world
i deserve to meet people, have them use me however they want (which will probably be them raping me) and juet. throwing me away after

it’s gotten so bad this is all i’m think and all i feel like im good for

like i’m about to go seek it out so k can just. be useful

idk what to so

Now it's not uncommon for me to feel this, but lately it's been unrelenting to the point I've considered ending on multiple occasions. I just don't understand why it's happening and how to fix it?? It feels like I or someone I love is going to die, or that I'm going to go through something extremely traumatic soon.

Every morning I wake up filled with dread for what's to happen, but nothing is wrong. There's no danger (that I'm aware of) but I'm still filled with anxiety and fear that can't let go.

It's causing me to severely overthink everything, to the point I don't want to be around anyone.

Does anybody else feel this way, and have you found a way to remedy it? It feels like I'm experiencing the last few days/weeks of my life.

Is anyone else a dark coper? I just learned the term yesterday. It’s someone who copes with difficult emotions or experiences by leaning into dark thoughts, humor, music, art, or morbid topics instead of trying to force positivity. I had no idea there was a term for it, but I can relate. I love watching horror movies to externalize my trauma/depression.

My identity is skewed and minimal. All that I think I am, is a coping mechanism (kind, caring, empathetic etc). I don't feel real. I feel like a weird shell or chameleon. I take on the personality of whomever I'm with. Even physical gestures. I know I need to get back to things I liked as a kid, but that's triggering in itself because obvs my childhood was fucked up. So how are you supposed to create an identity when I was never allowed to fully develop one? I feel so lost since this diagnosis and wish I never knew

I don't need to tell you what living with constant unrelenting abuse and trauma does to your mind. You get it. Add OCD, depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, chronic pain illnesses, and a lifetime of financial enmeshment to an abusive parent plus adult IPV. He just abused me yesterday. And last week. And it's been decades of this. Fucking decades. I'm not sure it's worth it. In fact, I know it's not worth it. It was never fucking worth it. I tell my therapist, death would be mercy for me. She doesn't understand. How could she? Has she been revictimized her entire life? Very few understand this level of consistent, severe abuse since fucking birth. I was a fucking baby.

It's inhumane to exist like this. And the constant fucking pressure to keep going is driving me just as insane as all these illnesses and disorders and fucking abusive dynamics. I'm so done with surviving. I'm done with living. I'm existentially exhausted.