r/CPTSD • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago

Weekly Newcomer Questions, Support, Vents & Victories

As the community continues to grow and attract people who are just figuring this all out, we've decided to change the weekly thread focus to be more open and encourage newcomer questions and support. Please use this thread if you are seeking support or have newcomer questions. Want to see if your post topic has been discussed here? Type "subreddit:cptsd" after a search term in the search bar (ex. "friendships subreddit:cptsd"). Here are some common newcomer questions:

If you are new to r/CPTSD: Please check out the rules below, and for our mobile users who can't access the sidebar, more resources are located below the rules. These can also be accessed from the auto mod message that greets any post.

Keep the rules in mind when you post & comment:

  1. This is a peer support community. Be a supportive peer.
  2. Don’t ask for diagnosis, don’t diagnose others: Respect that you may not have all of OPs details and even a trained, trauma informed care provider cannot diagnose over the internet. So don't. Assume the context of OP as a CPTSD survivor or supportive partner of a CPTSD survivor.
  3. No hate speech
  4. Please be mindful about triggering content. Avoid graphic thread titles, and use [Trigger Warning], NSFW and/or the spoiler tag whenever appropriate.
  5. No RaisedByNarcissists lingo: A lot of folks come from the RBN support community. A lot of us do not. To keep the sub inclusive to CPTSD newcomers and survivors of different backgrounds, use common language synonyms for RBN acronyms. There are some exceptions.
  6. All content must be CPTSD related: Our lives, our struggles, and our victories with CPTSD.
  7. No Self-Promotion: Don't sell stuff or recruit for studies and projects without explicit mod approval. This thread is an exception; in the Vents & Victories thread, you may self-promote blogs, videos, and other media you created.

BIPOC

We recognize that healing communities such as r/CPTSD are not exempt from the insidious impacts of racism, whether overt or covert (for example, invalidating, minimizing, or microaggressive comments made by those with good intentions). In these cases, we encourage users to report the comments as Rule #3 violations. Because of the subreddit's high profile and open nature, this problem will continue to be with us, and we therefore can only promise a "safe-ish" environment for BIPOC. Racial trauma will always be on topic here at /r/CPTSD, but BIPOC users that want a more closed space can make use of /r/cptsd_bipoc. Thank you to the mod team at /r/cptsd_bipoc for helping us write this verbiage.

Additional Newcomer Resources

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u/a_photography_noob 7h ago

My mom's cancer continues to progress and I continue to feel the need to reality check/reassurance seek around the whole situation. I come from a family with severe emotional neglect (both parents have NPD, not in the tiktok way, but in the DSM5 kind of way) and some emotional abuse, a little physical abuse/neglect. My brothers were not close growing up, none of us were. They were both mean to me. I'm the youngest and have had the family "role" of being the princess, bratty, selfish, fat, all around a bad person. It's taken years but I've worked so hard to overcome this belief in myself (turns out I'm not selfish, it's just when people neglect you, needing anything makes you the bad guy) and improve my relationship with my brothers now that we are adults. It was going well until my mom got diagnosed with a deadly cancer 6 months ago. Now, like a slingshot, everyone in my family has popped back into their roles due to the tension in the family from my mom's illness.

I'm now back to being seen as the selfish, lazy, self-absorbed person who needs to keep apologizing for existing and doing things for everyone else (and oh it will never be good enough, btw.) I can see it in their eyes. No empathy for me. Zero understanding that we are all victims of trauma and the lashing out against me is completely because we all grew up in a home starved of affection and I was the whipping girl for being the youngest and therefore the most needy. My mom loved me the most in a way (I'm the only girl) which means I got the worst of many things (parentification, constant criticism, mom acting like I'm a "friend" not a daughter when it suited her, etc.) My brothers don't get it, any of it. They don't understand that I'm traumatized (and this isn't even counting my Dad) and likely are themselves. We don't talk about feelings and if anyone appears "weak" or "needy" they are to be mocked and criticized.

That being said, It's not normal for my brother's to just ditch me because I was too exhausted (and traumatized) to be my mom's caretaker when she got sick, right? Also I was 28 weeks pregnant in a complicated pregnancy where I felt sick all the time (ultimately admitted for severe pre-eclampsia and had an emergent c-section.) It's not normal for brother's to just ditch you, right? Once I told my mom I couldn't be at her beck and call constantly when I'm 28 weeks pregnant, sick af, and unable to do things even for myself... my family basically blackballed me. My brothers basically never contacted me again (unless it's to ask me to do things for mom.) They haven't met my daughter (their niece), not even a "how are you?" after I was in the hospital fr a week when she was born.

I'm sort of enraged at my mom. Because at some level, she encourages this. She wants her children to dislike each other. That way all of us have to go through her and she controls all communication. I remember she would get angry if she found out I was talking to my brother's directly (like the on the phone) and didn't include her. So when my brothers attack me (or attack each other)... she doesn't do anything. She doesn't do shit. I still can't believe she didn't do anything to stand up for me when I was super pregnant, so sick, and my brother was telling me I wasn't "doing enough." She just sat there. And now she's back in the hospital. I haven't been visiting much. It's too hard with a tiny baby at home (can't bring her to the hospital) and now with my brother's being around. I don't want to run into them. I mean, honestly, after all the neglect and abuse she's lucky I have visited at all and tried to bring my daughter to see her.

When I do visit her my mom immediately breaks down, sobs at me, tells me how miserable she is, etc. Since she was diagnosed she has done nothing but fixate on her diagnosis and her misery. She doesn't watch TV, read books, do anything. She is a broken person. It's traumatic to see it, because as a child my role was to help her, parent her, make her feel better. And I failed. Utterly failed. And now when she does ask me to do things for her, care for her, I just feel sick. I want to throw up. I get nightmares. It's awful because in a normal situation it's appropriate for a mother who is dying of cancer to need some support/help from her children. But due to the history and my mother's constant state of neediness, cruelty towards me, and complete disregard for my needs ... it just triggers way too much for me to do more than the minimum.

And my brother's judge me for it. And I'm officially the black sheep because of it. But you know what? FUCK THEM. FUCK THESE ASSHOLES. I am trying to keep focused on my family - my husband, our baby girl, and our dogs. That is what matters. I will grieve my mom and my family, but I will survive. I will not let this shit take me down into a state of severe anxiety and depression. I have my therapist and husband's support, I'm learning how to re-parent myself, and feeling the joy in parenting my daughter. I'm learning to break the cycle of neglect and abuse. My daughter is the best and she deserves the best for me. Not once will I try to limit her food intake to her to lose weight, tell her she's fat, or get mad at her for crying.

But man, my family of origin wounds are deep guys. Deep. Trauma work and IV ketamine is helping me shed these rules I made for myself and let go of the trauma. But it's hard AF. Sorry for the huge rant. Thanks to anyone who reads this. Take care. You deserve love.

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u/SomeLoser1884 11h ago

"Look at what you did to me" keeps flashing through my head. Just repeats infinitely many times.

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u/Additional_Peach2850 1d ago

I am struggling with profound guilt, dissociation and anger. does anyone else struggle with forgiving yourself when you’ve done bad things? I don’t want to make excuses for myself anymore i feel it all in my gut I wish I never had this happen to me. I wish I never experienced dissociation as a biproduct of this, it makes me feel like two separate people

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u/Conman1209 3d ago

Anyone else have an extremely inflamed and puffy face after experiencing prolonged stress? I’m trying to reverse it by doing deep breathing, being more active, etc

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