Or do they throw you under the bus to stay in the kids' good graces? Either out of fear or cottling?

If there's a stepkid always being rude to you and your partner is submissive to it, doesn't call it out and tell them they're being rude, or joins in on a little giggle on it, what would you do? While it's expected of you to be the spine, the support, and the one who can manage to get things accomplished, the disrespect is wild. What do you say to that?

Pretty serious when the other kids see and feel upset about it for me and themselves when they feel like there's golden child cottling going on to cater to preventing bad behavior if you side with the hell child.

Is it worth it being a step parent? i remember not liking my stop mom growing up but that’s because of my relationship with my dad. ( story for another time ) I love her now, i’ve grown to love her when i was younger, even liked her more than my dad at one point but i remember resenting her… maybe mixed feelings of missing my mom who passed when i was young or just the strange relationship my father and i had. long story short I’m a step parent now and i don’t see the reward of being here. I love/ed my girlfriend but the feeling has been fading. i know relationships have ups and downs but i feel like i lost my spark, im expected to take on more responsibilities but receiving less of what i need from her… just confused and wondering if i should rip the bandaid or try to let it heal itself. i feel like since i think about leaving often i have my answer but im not one to act on impulse, i like to think things out and try to channel my emotions

I just need to vent to people who understand. My husband and I have our SD (age 10) 95% of the time despite a 50/50 custody order. I can count on one hand the number of overnight stays SD had at mom’s this summer. Mom’s custody week has turned into maybe an occasional dinner or a run for ice cream before dropping off SD back at our house. She is the fun parent, the Disneyland Mom. 

While BM cultivates this image, she does not see how it alienates her from her own daughter. Sure, SD loves getting constant toys and gifts from mom. She loves running out for a fun excursion on a weeknight. But they no longer spend their day-to-day routines together. And because we handle the more mundane tasks—getting SD ready for school, completing homework, traveling to extracurriculars, managing chores, scheduling playdates, doing a bedtime routine, reading together at night—SD sees our house as “home” and time spent with BM as just novelty. So sometimes BM will ask SD if she wants to sleep over, and SD always says no.

And whenever BM drops her custody nights, it is expected that we handle it. Whenever she tells us last minute that she is no longer getting SD from camp, one of us runs to pick her up before closing. We are the default household, endlessly “on call.”

Recently, BM blocked out her week on the custody calendar and suddenly re-appeared and asked for time with SD. Because it had been long established that we were on our own this week, I had spent days actively searching for and hiring a new babysitter, and we bought tickets to an event with SD. When we let BM know about these plans, she sent a bunch of expletives and threatened to die so that my husband could go on living his life without consideration of her.

During a phone call later, BM said it came down to one core issue: I had been buying items for SD, and she wants to be the one who does that. She doesn’t feel like a mother if she cannot do that.

I was flabbergasted but told my husband to please let her go and buy whatever the hell she wants. I don’t care. We had to cancel the babysitter (still paid her because it’s not her fault) and re-work our schedule so BM could have time with SD. Even then, after moving mountains, BM dropped one of her custody days she had begged us for.

So SD comes back from BM’s house with new toys. Has BM paid my husband back for SD’s bills? No. Has she committed to 50/50? No. But SD has shiny new toys, so BM is the hero again. And now my husband is insecure, so when I ask SD to do her typical chores, he takes over and lets her sit back and relax, so we can be the “fun” house.

Dude, this is exhausting. 

My long term bf has a 16 yr old son that lives with us full time. We have been together since the child was 9. I’ve been noticing that when my bf is annoyed with his son he will try and take it out on me instead of approaching his kid with the issue. If there are a bunch of dishes in the sink then why haven’t I cleaned them up ( mind you I’ve been at work all day for 10 hrs and none of them are mine) like I’m basically the one who creates all the messes in the house. His son does a good job of keeping his room and bathroom clean but literally will not help out with a single chore outside of that. I’m just tired of feeling like I am the one who takes all the crap in the house when it’s usually his kid making a mess in the kitchen or living room and not cleaning up after himself. If I even mention having the kid help out it usually turns into a fight. I cook dinner for everyone every night and never get any help with that or the cleanup. I contribute just as much to the household and I feel like it goes unappreciated by the both of them. I don’t even know what to do or say anymore. I don’t have any of my own children so this has all been a learning experience for me

My ex and I have it
where I have Thanksgiving and he gets Christmas since we’ve been divorced. Christmas is the only holiday he is off.

I celebrate Christmas with my boys on Christmas Eve so they have all day to play with their toys then they go to their dads at night.

Last year I decided to wait for SD6 and it sucked. I felt like I missed out on Christmas with my boys and the magic. I feel like it is not on me if my husband and SDs bio mom can’t figure out Christmas or BM refuses to let her come for Christmas. We live two hours away from BM so it’s not realistic she either has to be with us or BM.

Is it mean of me to just have SD open her presents when she comes? Idk what else to do. My husband won’t fight BM on having her on Christmas so I feel if he won’t do that then it’s not my problem.

My fiancée has a 5, almost 6 year old daughter (SD), and lately I've noticed that whenever she's around, I get into an irritable mood. I hate feeling this way because she's genuinely a very smart and sweet kid, but her behavior has been wearing me down.

She whines and lies frequently and gives us a hard time over very minor things, like washing her hands or picking up her toys. If we ask her to do something, she'll often flat-out say "no" or have a meltdown. Being told no also results in a tantrum probably 75% of the time crying, aggressively stomping her feet, hitting things, etc. Afterward, she usually acknowledges that she knows she was behaving badly.

Dinner is another constant battle. I do all the cooking and spend a lot of time making meals, but unless it's something like grilled cheese or mac and cheese, she'll take a few bites and say she's "full." Then 20 minutes later she's hungry and wants snacks. We've stopped allowing junk food/sugary snacks except on special occasions, but the behavioral issues haven't really changed.

We praise and reward good behavior, and my fiancée is a great mom who doesn't just give in to her. There does seem to be a big difference between households. Her dad apparently gives in much more often. His wife has even mentioned that SD basically runs his life. For example, he once wanted to take a shower, SD had a meltdown because she didn't want him to, so he just didn't shower.

I understand she's only 5, but the constant whining, tantrums and refusal to do basic things have gotten to the point where I become irritated very quickly when she's around. Sometimes I end up having a bad attitude toward her, which I genuinely hate because I don't want to feel that way about my stepdaughter.

Has anyone else dealt with feeling constantly irritated by their stepchild's behavior? How did you learn to manage your own frustration while still holding boundaries and not letting the child think they run the household? Because we make it very clear she doesn't.

Okay, so my SD lives with us full-time.
For the last week or so, she’s been coming home telling us that someone at school was bullying her. We contacted the school and wanted to set up meetings to get to the bottom of what was happening because she was extremely distraught about it. The counselor reached out and told us she would speak with the girls involved and let us know exactly what was going on.
Well, come to find out, SD wasn’t actually being bullied.
She was upset because a friend stopped talking to her. SD assumed the friend hated her and was talking about her, so she started telling other people that the friend was being mean to her and picking on her.
We found all of this out because SD emailed the friend from her school email. The school received the emails, and the friend explained that she stopped talking to SD because SD had violated her privacy and she didn’t want to be friends with someone who violated her privacy.
Well, that’s why SD was upset in the first place. Instead of accepting that the friend didn’t want to be friends anymore, SD started trying to turn their friend group against her.
My husband was understandably upset and punished SD for lying, causing drama, and essentially bullying the other girl.
After punishing her, he wondered if he should tell her mom what was going on. He ultimately decided to wait because he knew her mom would likely do nothing but validate SD and tell her she did nothing wrong. SD even asked us not to tell her mother about what happened.
Well, SD decided to tell her mom herself.
Her mom did exactly what we thought she would do—she validated SD and told her that she shouldn’t be punished because she didn’t do anything wrong. SD also asked her mom not to tell my husband that she had told her.
Then today, SD and her mom were on the phone, and her mom told her that she could talk to her about anything. SD said she knew that, and her mom responded, “Even though they are poisoning you against me and don’t keep me in the loop about what’s going on with you.”
SD got upset, and it turned into an argument between her and her mom.
My husband eventually took the phone, which then started an argument between him and HCBM. She told my husband that he was wrong for not telling her what was going on.
His response was that she didn’t tell him everything when SD lived with her, either.
That made HCBM even more upset. She said it was different because we have her child and therefore she should know everything that happens with her.
So, I’m asking this community: What do y’all think?

I am feeling really torn right now because I feel like I've set some boundaries related to SK because there have now been 4 instances where she's gone back to her HCBD's house and reported things about me that are completely untrue and make me look like a little shitty - which he makes sure to record in OFW.

I feel really torn between helping my partner and protecting my peace. She's already stretched very thin and is an incredibly emotionally taxing job, so when I have free time, I naturally want to help... but I feel pretty torn when it involves helping her with stuff related to the SK. I usually end up saying yes because I want to make her life easier.

Does anyone have a moral code or like... I dunno, a scale of like, this I can do/this I can't do - and what makes you decide either way? Today I did laundry for everyone, made a special trip to the store for SK's picky-eater snacks, and was here for a couple of hours to receive the kid while my partner is at work. Of course, on this particular exchange, HCBD decides not to just drop the kid off and let her come to our door (and stay in his car, as is ordered) - but brings his dogs out to pee on our front lawn for five minutes, talking to the SK before she rings the doorbell. He lives 2 minutes away. He has a history of invading our space, specifically moving to within 2 minutes of us the last two moves and using our address for insurance reasons, which has given me insane anxiety when shit like this happens - so it really makes all the nice things I was trying to do to make things easier feel like... not as great anymore. Any tips or advice greatly welcome.

If you’re thinking of becoming a step parent, you need to really really really think about everything you’re gonna give up. Let me tell you from experience, you’ll give up your time, your money, your love, your soul, your feelings, everything to your partner and this child and it won’t matter, it won’t be enough and if you start to draw boundaries.. you’ll soon bc the main one that’s talked about as the problem. And no matter how much you think you love this person, you have to know from day one that they WILL parent their child. I mean, they will discipline their child. They will hold up rules. They will have rules of the home. They will stand up to their ex. That you’re a true team.
That they hold BM accountable. And that really doesn’t exist often. You cannot survive being with someone who will spin the narrative on you whenever it suits to defend their child or BM. And they will defend their child, over you, 99% of the time. You can daily watch that child become a monster and not be able to say anything, just be expected to stay and just live that way. My partner says that I knew this was a package deal when we got together and I did know that. But you never think Ahead at how bad things could possibly get, you hope for the good . I think I was just caught up in a fairytale of believing if I tried hard enough that it would work out. And let me tell you I tried. I changed jobs to accommodate school pick up and drop off, i bought clothes, toys, sports equipment, tried to make memories with trips, birthdays..when they got older I freely gave my vehicle to them to borrow, even though they have their own, and even when they wrecked it, I wasn’t allowed to be upset. I’m asked for money constantly and we’re not just talking about $25. And there is no appreciation for anything and they’re not expected to be appreciative. My partner will openly say all the things that his child does like being unappreciative not wanna work and then we’ll turn around in an instant and just say that everybody else is cruel to his son. There is zero accountability. And then you’re in a left in a really hard position because there’s no other real choice than to leave because it’s not going to change. Please understand that I wanted to do all these things at first, I have dreamed my entire life of being a mother. After a few years I just really saw things for what they were and at that point it’s too hard to continue. You go passive for awhile, years maybe.. and then you get the balls to leave. Not before it breaks your heart and sucks your soul out of you. I would just tell anyone seriously debating if they want to be a step parent to truly truly be sure they know the person that they’re getting into a relationship with. And it will change how you feel about them. You’ll start to not look at your partner as this incredible person that you married, but as someone is pathetic and weak, and you won’t know the person in front of you because you can’t believe that they allow what they allow. You’ll resent them. Just to sit in silence with your resentment unless you leave. If 1000 people asked me if they should become a step parent, I would tell 1000 people not to do it.

Hay there please bear with me, I just need to get this out. My wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for 12. Her kids were 12 (boy) and 3 (girl). All was well at first. We had the kids everyother week so it was just us 2 weeks a month..... it was bliss. Fast forward and we had a son, life was great. I stepped my game up wanting to be the best dad ever.( I cook and clean and cant sit still so im always busy and I always brought along my boy on my adventures) I should point out i didnt snooze on the other kids. I always included them. Fast forward to the middle kid turning 12 and they came out as trans and wanted to change their name. No issues there as a step parent. Honestly I felt it was none of my business what or where they wanted to stick whatever. But thats when their behavior issues started. Any form of communication with their mom was met with yelling and disrespect. She took it and it rubbed me the wrong way. But the wife stopped me from saying or doing anything because that would trigger the kid and regress their therapy. Also at this point my wife ( without talking to me) decided that the best course of action was for the kid to live with us full time. Things got worse the kid stays up late makes all kinds of racket leaves huge messes all over cant be bothered by bringing dirty dishes out of their room. My wife would be in there at least 2x a day and wouldn't do anything about it. I think she was to the point that everyday they were breathing was a gift. It got to the point that they were at a band competition and I was cleaning the kitchen and I noticed the lack of plates and cups in the cupboard. I poked my head in and oh my god! I got 2 full sinks of dirty dishes out of their room. The trash was so bad I used a snow shovel to bag it up. Still my wife did nothing. So now the kid is 17. And they've been wearing down the wife about using weed to feel normal and help them with their eating issues. Initially the wife and i were in alignment with a hard no. But then over time the wife changed her mind and after a big blow out between the two she caved and in passing mentions that shes gonna go get them a vape. I spoke up and said I had an issue with that and she told me to go fuck myself. Now ill put up with a lot but I won't put up with disrespect. I went to the gym to blow off steam and came home and immediately packed a bag. She saw me packing and and lost her shit crying and apologizing for treating me like that and that shes at her wits end with the kid and doesn't know what to do. I told her that the only way id be comfortable with it was if it was pill form and treated like a medicine. She did this for a month and nothing changed. So the pills ended up running out and the wife needed to get them a refill but they didnt have any so she bought them a vape. Big fight between her and i and I finally said fuck it its your kid. Well that went about as well as I thought. I get a camera notification one day and the kid is having a weed cough at the front door. I brush it off and go back to work. I get a few more notifications and just focus on work. I check the notifications about an hour later and its the kid walking to their car with my son following. Apparently they missed the day in drivers Ed where they went over not driving high especially with my kid in the car. I loose my shit on my wife again. She's apologizing saying she just treated it as a medicine and didn't think to reenerate that they shouldn't do that. A few weeks later it time to replace the vape. I tell my wife absolutely no vape tincture or pills. Her and the kid fight about it and I hear the kid from the other room refer to me as that monster fucker. This set me off I came out of the bedroom and come through their bedroom door almost knocking my wife over yelling at the kid. I called them an ungrateful little shit and I was sick of their constant disrespect. My wife started yelling ing at me and I left the room . Walking down the hall to calm down I hear the kid tell the wife im not living under the same roof as him. I yelled back then fucking leave. It worked! The kids went to their dads house! Obviously the wife was furious with me called me a monster and if I ever touched any of the kids in violence so help her god. After talking shes in fear that ill turn violent and how me loosing my shit triggered her trauma response. She told me that its up to me to make this right with the kid and to be honest I dont want to. Ive put up with this kid for 10 years its time for their dad to have to deal with this shit. Sorry its all over the place. Thanks for reading

This happened yesterday night. My boyfriends daughter was "playing" with our 10 month old son. She started with a small basketball ball, gently bopping him on the head and in the face. This lasted about 2 minutes, and my son lost interest pretty quickly and started playing with something else.

She then moved on to these foam block things that we have. Again, gently bopping him in the head with them multiple times. My son did not have a reaction, like not laughing, not engaging. He was focused on another toy.

Then she starts playing with his busy box and pulls out all of the tissue things, and throws them in his face. Again, there is no reaction from my infant.

Lastly, she goes upstairs into his room, bringing down multiple trucks and 4 balls from his ball pit. She begins dropping the balls on his head. At this point, I'm annoyed but I finally say, "Can you stop hitting him in the head with things?" In the calmest voice I can muster. Her response was I'm just joking, or being funny. Something along those lines I can't really remember.

Her father immediately gets defensive, telling her to leave him alone and yells at me for criticizing how his daughter plays with him.

About an hour later, I'm sitting on the floor in the living room, crying, clearly upset, and I had like 2 white claws. I'm ignoring my son the best I can so that he'll go hang out with everyone else. I started to question if he would even care if I was gone. If he would even notice. I ended up blurting that out and something along the lines of not to worry. He has a replacement momma here anyway referring to my boyfriends daughter.

I also bring up the fact that the only time he has anything to say is when something is said about his daughter. He only cares about her feelings, not anyone else and proceeded to tell him that when our son is her age, I expect him to discipline him the same way he does her last weekend when I watched here kick her older brother 3 times. 3 separate occasions, really hard in the shins. Don't get me wrong, I know that siblings bicker and fight and mess with each other. I've also talked to my boyfriends son a few times and discovered that he's frustrated with everyone letting his sister get away with things. Talking back to people, leaving stuff around the house and not being responsible for cleaning up.

At this point she's crying, so her brother (16) takes her downstairs into his room and my boyfriend and I continue to argue until 2 or 3 in the morning, I can't really remember everything that was said but we touch on multiple topics from him claiming to clean more than I do, his daughters poor hygiene which I made a previous post about, him not helping with our son despite being basically unemployed for over a year, him trying to push this narrative that I'm trying to keep his kids away from my son because I requested that his kids get permission before just walking into his room and that I'm somehow a bad mother because I "let" our son fall of the bed once. He also brought up that I "let" the cat bite him the other day (didnt break skin) while i was washing his bottles. He also claims that i again "let" him fall down the stairs, which has never happened on my watch. The entire time, I'm trying to explain that my issue isn't with his daughter, it's with him and this has been an issue for quite some time. He refuses to parent her or hold her accountable for things, yet any time she's around, she's pushing to do more and more with our son. (Ex: feed him, bath him, carry him around the house/public. All things I told him I was not comfortable with, but he agreed to because his daughter is "capable")

I'll also point out that his daughter is not innocent in this whole story. She has been disrespectful to me since day one with the things she says, and she's always trying to get one over on us. If she gets a no from one person, she turns around and asks someone else until she gets a yes. Since my son was born, she's made comments about taking my son away from me, one when i was freshly post partum after being stuck in the hospital for 5 days and one involving my son having to call CPS on me. My boyfriends response to this is that she's a child, and she was joking, and I took it to heart. Mind you she said these things in front of him and he did not correct her.

I know I'm missing some other things, too, and l honestly feel like this post sounds so erratic. I know that I was out of line for the comment about my son not knowing or caring who I am and making the comment about her being a replacement momma and then further doubling down and talking about how she acts.

I've apologized to both kids, and I do really love them and care about them. And I do understand that I can't just put a bandaid on the situation, but I really don't know what to do now. My boyfriend is disappointed in me, and I'm disappointed in myself. But I'm also disappointed in him for letting it get to this point. I've told him in the past when I didn't agree with something, and he essentially just steam rolls my decisions because "he's raised kids before." And I keep my mouth shut most of the time because I feel like it's not my place.

Idk, I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow and going to my parents' house for the rest of the week because I literally can't do anything right.

We got in an argument again this evening because he told me that my sons plate was ready for dinner. I proceeded to grab myself a plate and sit at my usual spot to eat with my son, the same thing I do and have done every day. I turned my sons chair towards me and apparently that was a problem because he was planning to feed him. Mind you he feeds himself for the most part I'm just there to lend a hand and scoop stuff back into his plate from around his plate and in his bib.

Then I went to go see where my son was because I noticed he had gone in the kitchen. He was sitting behind my boyfriend who was putting dinner up. I literally just said "what are you doing nickname?" And my son got up and walked out of the kitchen, and that was a problem because "why can't he sit in here and hang out with me?"

This man rarely does anything with our son. He doesn't help watch him during the day, doesn't feed him usually, change his diaper, or gives him a bath. That's not to say that he isn't affectionate with him or that hes a bad father or anything. But ive noticed that he becomes more attentive when his other kids are around. Meanwhile I work full time, I'm going to school full time, and I'm taking care of our son on every day.

Again, I just don't know what to do anymore.

I (32F, just finished a doctorate) have been dating a 45M for 4 months, who is finalizing his divorce this month. The divorce was initiated by him in January of this year, but it was amicable, and he and his soon-to-be ex-wife have a very civil relationship (together for 15 years, slowly grew apart).

He has three children (ages 13, 11, 6) whom I haven’t met yet, partly because we don’t want to introduce me prematurely. Another factor is that he and his ex have been “bird-nesting” since February of this year. They each have their own separate apartments, while the children live permanently in the family home. He and his ex alternate staying at the family home every 1–2 weeks depending on work and travel, so they don’t overlap. They plan to continue this arrangement until next summer, while they’ll renovate/prep the house for sale (we live in a northern country, so aiming for a summer sale is not too weird).

I’ve become quite attached to him, and I see him every week when he doesn’t have his kids. We’ve travelled together, I’ve met his siblings, and we have great chemistry. I’m quite smitten.

But I keep wondering whether I’m being delusional about this actually working out. I’ve never dated someone with children before, and he has three. I absolutely love the weeks we spend together, but I find it difficult to fully invest in the relationship when I only see him part-time.

Is it realistic to build a serious relationship when you only see each other part-time during the first year of dating? Or am I setting myself up for an uphill battle?

I want to have children of my own one day, and he has said he would be open to having 1 additional child with me (possibly 2), but only after at least three years of dating and once I’ve become integrated into his children’s lives, so everyone is comfortable expanding the family.

He is genuinely great, and I love what we have. I’m just worried that I’m being naive about how complicated this situation could become.

For those who have dated someone with multiple children, especially someone relatively recently divorced: does this sound like a relationship that could realistically work, or are there red flags I’m overlooking? I am the second person he's “seen” since he filed for divorce, and the first person he's been serious with.

We've been long distance for nearly six years.

This is really embarrassing.

SO has three kids. I met them in middle school and the second graduated high school this year.

We were supposed to move in together this year and the youngest would finish high school closer to my work in a larger, more vibrant city. We talked to realtors and looked at school districts.

Fast foreword to today: the oldest want to live at home while attending nearby smaller schools. They both didn't turn in homework and underperformed in their senior years of high school by not turning in homework so no other options were available.

The youngest stopped going to school and received no credits last year as sophomore. During that time he also joined a friend group that uses cannabis vspes and alcohol. SO asked him, as if one were talking to a roommate or peer, if he would consider a residential therapeutic boarding school to help overcome the anxiety linked to his school refusal and of course he refused.

In addition SO started a graduate school program for herself in another distant city four hours by train from home.

The original plan was to put the oldest in residential school housing, pay all their bills, have the youngest live with us while she finishes high school and have her commute to school from our new home. I even found her affordable housing near her school with relatives of mine who just happened to own rental properties in the area. We made a budget and this would have saved us $30k per year.

Instead she agreed to allow her kids to remain at home, which means she can see me two weekends per month at best. She feels she needs to spend the rest of the time with her kids and not abandon them.

The oldest are college kids and presumably will be fine. The youngest is supposed to stay with an uncle while she's away but he's not thrilled about this arrangement. She intends to be home with her son when she's not at school.

That means she barely has four days per month when she's exhausted to see me during the next two years. It's unlikely she'll have the time and strength to keep these dates. l know she'll probably need a third year at home because the youngest is likely to need another year of high school and all three aren't going anywhere.

That means I'm mainly on my own for nine months per year with some added time between the semesters.

SO made all these decisions based on what the kids want. There's no time for us and her son won't get the care he needs.

SO maintains she started graduate school so she could have a career in places where I'm likely to find in larger cities.

I just started a great new job in January and it's going incredibly well. It's something of a large breakthrough for me. It's largely in office every day so traveling is now difficult. SO lives in a small suburb with few career opportunities for anyone, so moving isn't a great option for me.

I'm furious about extending our long-distance situation for another 2-3 years, brining our total up to a decade. We also met in my 40s and I'm not young anymore.

The thought of spending these next few years alone sounds very unhealthy. I respect that SO has kids but they're not babies anymore. Also, she made all of her decisions unilaterally and this no longer feels like a partnership.

At this point l no longer see a viable way forward.

Sorry everyone about the long post, and thank you for your support.

What level of relationship do y’all think is appropriate for DH and BM to have with each other? I’ve heard the coworker thing being used as a standard, but what exactly does that look like? Do they run errands for BM or other small favors? Banter with each other?

A bit of background, when my partner and I first started dating two years ago, BM and him were very enmeshed and had a relationship that was way inappropriate for someone in a relationship (her telling him how he should date, her opinions on me, teasing him about how he is in relationships, etc, and him reciprocating that level of emotional attachment). In hindsight I should’ve ran at that point but now we’re here and it’s gotten better, largely due to BM causing a lot of conflict and threatening to withhold parenting time. My partner now says he’s trying to treat BM like a coworker and their relationship has been stabilizing since all the court conflict and drama for the past year. But now he’s back to running errands for her and they still occasionally reminisce about things like their old cat or inside jokes they had or teasing each other about things they don’t like about each other.

I asked him about it and said I’m nervous about him doing things for her or the content of their conversations remaining child focused. He said conversations are mostly child focused, but he doesn’t want to hold onto grudges and not do things that are easy to help her with. I expressed my concern is more that he’s being taken advantage of by someone who wouldn’t do the same favors and who quickly switches up on him, and he said his priority is on having a good relationship with her for his child’s sake instead of holding onto the past.

There’s a lot of history and past hurt here with him overstepping relationship boundaries in the past and I know that’s influencing my reaction. I just can’t tell if asking him now not to do her favors is actually unreasonable or not and would appreciate opinions other than his. Right now I just feel like there’s not even space for me to feel uncomfortable about it without being dismissed.

Edit: They also text each other at random hours all throughout the day. Like the other night he was asleep and she texted him at 11pm. He’s on his phone a lot, and it’s pretty frequently that I look over and he’s responding to her. I asked if he plans to set any boundaries around times when they text and he just said he tries not to respond when he’s around me (which evidently isn’t working well)

Hello everyone, long story but hope some of you are willing to read it and give some advice.

My hb and i have been together for 8 years. Together we have a 6yo daughter and my hb has 2 kids (15yo son and 16yo daughter) from another relationship. We live in the netherlands and his kids live in england.

Recently his 15yo son decided that he wanted to come live with us. For me it came out of nowhere, but i mean it’s his son so. I was already pregnant by 12 weeks when he came. Now 5 weeks ahead i’m 17 weeks along and i‘ve noticed it’s been very hard for me “sharing” my home and losing my privacy. To start with our home is not big at all. We could just about make it work with a new baby on the way. We have 3 bedrooms. 1 big one where my hb and i sleep (this bedroom was originally a part of the living room but we put a wall in between), 1 medium room where my 6yo sleeps, and 1 small room what was going to be the nursery but is now my stepsons room.

I feel very sad about having to give up the nursery. The space is in the house very tight and i’m starting to feel it, i think me being pregnant and the hormones ain’t helping either.

My daughter goes to bed around 8 and after that my hb and i would always have the house to ourselves. as of now his son sits with us every single night untill we go to bed. Usually i would go to bed earlier but then can’t sleep from the noise because they’re watching movies or playing games. Im sensitive to sounds and i feel like i can’t escape and be in peace and quiet anymore.

I’m terrified that when the baby is here i’m constantly going to be overstimulated. I know i will have lack of sleep, maybe be moody and that i will nowhere to completely switch off. And that my hb and i will never have alone time with the baby. Sometimes i even think of leaving my hb just to get out of this situation, makes me very sad. Also maybe a good thing to note is that we don’t have the ability to move to a bigger place right now.

I feel awfull feeling this way as it sounds like my stepson is the problem. whilst he is a good kid and diddn’t do anything wrong and he needs a home as well. I still need to talk to my hb about this but honestly feel i don’t get a chance. we’re never really alone and the house is so small you can hear conversations anywhere.

Right now i feel under constant stress and i just needed to vent and maybe get some advice, thanks in advance.

SS 10 has picked up on his BMs irritating habit of having to counter EVERYTHING that you say! It can be literally anything but it’s so irritating and rude.
Example
Me: “Oh I love just watching our tortoise eat it’s so mesmerising”
SK: “it’s not mesmerising”
Like why do you need to say that! Just stay silent or make an affirmative noise!
I’m going to flip!

the wall screen in our kitchen syncs three calendars at once, my google, my wife's outlook, and her ex's shared icloud feed. that last one is the part i didn't expect to work, and it's why both households finally see the same pickup grid.

it's Apolosign, basically a plugged-in android tablet that stays in calendar mode on the wall. kids check chore points and the color coded school lists without unlocking a phone. it has to stay plugged in, so the outlet decides where it goes, ours ended up by the entryway instead of where we wanted it.

bio kids have band three days, stepkids have travel soccer and late bus on opposite days, and sunday dinners with my parents land every other week around custody blocks. we took the 21.5 inch, the 27 inch 4k was around eight hundred and felt high for a kitchen.

anyone found a clean way to handle school district calendar imports? ours still need manual entry each term.

I am the step parents to a 2 and a half year old boy. Me and dad had him every weekend Friday-Sunday for about 6ish months. Then we discussed wanting to go a 50/50 route because we felt like bio mom looked at us more as babysitters for the weekend not parents. So then we did a 2-2-3 schedules for 3 months now and it was okay. I thought that a 50/50 would kinda push bio to start communicating things with us, like how he's doing in daycare, what milestones she's seeing that we aren't, new rules or habits she's implementing at her home that would be a good idea to implement at our house so that he has more structure. Just (i feel) normal co-parenting things. But that didn't happen and she still doesn't communicate anything other than if he's ate or tired. Anyways she said that we should switch to week on week off schedule which is fine, but she said that it's because all the switching is confusing for him and he doesn't actually settle into an involvement until the last day and then he goes somewhere else. I totally get that and i agree it is a lot of switching for a tiny human. But she is his daycare teacher and we asked her if this means we can now pick him up from daycare not just drop him off. And she said no, that she doesn't want him to be the last kid in the daycare. Now that's what i just don't understand. She says all the switching is too much but then is still fine with him seeing her and leaving daycare with her just to go back to us. I know that there's nothing i can do because that's what she wants so that's how it's going to be i just want some support i guess. I feel like we're stuck and it'll always be her decision on everything and we just have to follow along and i just don't see how her still taking him home helps with the switching.

I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who’s with us every other weekend and 15 month old boy/girl twins. My husband and I have a 4 bedroom house. One room is ours, one room is my step daughters, one room the twins share, and one room is a guest room/home office (I work from home 2-3 days a week).

We have plenty of time to figure this out, but I’m trying to start thinking through space needs when the twins get bigger. The twins room fits 2 cribs nicely, but 2 twins beds will be very tight (and I want to separate them as boy/girl twins). When my stepdaughter turns 18, the twins will be 5. I don’t want to take her dedicated space away, but I’m feeling like I don’t have much of a choice. I need a dedicated space for work. I am on calls all day and need a space I can shut the door and concentrate. We don’t have a basement or separate space I could use. We also regularly use the guest room for my aging parents who come over regularly as well as other family that watch the twins for us. I’d let my stepdaughter decorate the guest room as she wants, and she would get the closet and dresser to put all her stuff in for when she’s here.

Moving into a bigger house isn’t in the budget for us. Did anyone else run into this with their kids and bedrooms? What did you do?

Every month or so, my wife cleans her 26-year-old son’s apartment.

She downplays it, saying he gets overwhelmed because of his ADHD and just needs someone there to keep him on task, or that it gives her an excuse to hang out with him for a while. But it’s pretty clear that she’s doing most of the cleaning and organizing for him.

Yesterday, I thought we were going to enjoy a leisurely Saturday together, but then she announced that she was about to leave for his apartment. She assured me that she would with his place into order in no time. Three hours later I gave up waiting and just started working on a home project. I got back from church today, and she was gone again, this time helping him hang posters.

I would help my kids move, or assist on some big home project that I’m more experienced in, but I simply can’t imagine cleaning my children’s homes for them. Is this just me? Is she over functioning for her adult son, or am I just being overly sensitive?

My (37F CF) partner (45M) doesn't seem to accept that his daughter (12) is not a priority for me.

We don't live together. (I don't want a child/teen as a housemate.) He has her EOWE, EOW, and for half of the holidays. I love him dearly. His kid is generally nice. We get on well. I am happy to see them once a month for a few hours, but he wants more from me, and I don't have that to give.

I see my partner 4-5x nights during the week, so when he has custody of his daughter, I see that as me-time. We keep going around in circles because he wants me to be more and want to see them/her more, and I just don't have the desire to.

I made it clear from the very beginning that I don't want to be a step-mum. I have reinforced the fact that I am in a relationship with *him* - not him and his daughter.

I know his daughter will always be in his life. I accept that. I am happy to see them on my terms, but I don't want to do days out or trips away with them. I don't even do that with my own family. I am neurodivergent and extremely introverted. Social situations drain me. I need lots of alone time to recharge. If I get to choose between being at home with my pets and gaming or going on a social outing with my partner and his daughter, I will ALWAYS choose to be alone. It's overstimulating, I shut down, and I don't enjoy myself.

Anyway, this has recently come up again, and I feel like we just go around in circles. I set my boundaries, and he says he accepts them, but he gets hurt when a situation comes up where I have to reinforce them. I'm frustrated, but I'm also worried that my apathy towards bonding with them as a unit is going to be the reason my relationship ends.

Are there any other CF neurodivergents who struggle with something similar?

ETA:

We have been together for 2.5 years. I forgot to include that.

EOWE and EOW - Every other weekend and every other Wed (Sorry. That wasn't clear!)

I feel that some people may be missing the fact that these time guidelines I put on visits are applicable to EVERY area of my life - not just them. The only real exception is my partner or the rare occasion I have to look after my niece and nephew. I struggle to be outside of my comfort zone for more than a few hours. I begin to shut down.

Thanks to everyone for their input. It's definitely food for thought.

I’m looking for some honest perspective from other stepparents/parents because I’m struggling to figure out if I’m handling something wrong or if my feelings are justified.

My stepdaughter has been going through a lot emotionally. I’ve noticed things that concern me, including how she talks about herself, her relationship with her mom, and some of the things she seems to feel she needs versus what she actually seems to be craving emotionally. I try really hard to be a safe person for her and to make sure she knows she is loved, supported, and valued for who she is—not for her clothes, appearance, things she has, or how she compares to other people.

The difficult part is that when I bring concerns to my husband, I often feel like instead of us being able to calmly discuss how we can support her, it turns into an argument. Sometimes I feel like I’m being told that I’m overreacting, that everyone is already putting pressure on him, or that I’m creating another problem when I’m genuinely trying to address something that I believe could affect her emotionally.

It has gotten to the point where I sometimes feel like I have to keep my concerns to myself because bringing them up causes conflict between us.

So my question is: How do you handle situations where you have genuine concerns about your stepchild, but your spouse becomes defensive or shuts down when you try to talk about them?

How do you know when you’re being appropriately involved as a stepparent versus overstepping? And how do you communicate concerns about a child without making your spouse feel criticized or attacked?

I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have been in a similar situation, especially other stepparents. I’m not looking to bash anyone—I genuinely want to know what the healthiest way to handle this is.

Welp I’m not gonna lie I’ve been feeling like a paranoid schizophrenic for awhile due to the fact my fiancés child awhile back said “I’d take him away” to his mother I guess one night and she rightly so freaked out, however I’m not going to be accused of things that didn’t happen so I purchased a voice recorder for my house. Well she found out (I told her when I bought it originally) and now she’s pissy. I honestly don’t care if you got a problem with it go somewhere else and if my fiancé is forced to make a decision so be it.