r/stepparents • u/faith00019 • 1d ago
Vent Tired of being the bigger person
I just need to vent to people who understand. My husband and I have our SD (age 10) 95% of the time despite a 50/50 custody order. I can count on one hand the number of overnight stays SD had at mom’s this summer. Mom’s custody week has turned into maybe an occasional dinner or a run for ice cream before dropping off SD back at our house. She is the fun parent, the Disneyland Mom.
While BM cultivates this image, she does not see how it alienates her from her own daughter. Sure, SD loves getting constant toys and gifts from mom. She loves running out for a fun excursion on a weeknight. But they no longer spend their day-to-day routines together. And because we handle the more mundane tasks—getting SD ready for school, completing homework, traveling to extracurriculars, managing chores, scheduling playdates, doing a bedtime routine, reading together at night—SD sees our house as “home” and time spent with BM as just novelty. So sometimes BM will ask SD if she wants to sleep over, and SD always says no.
And whenever BM drops her custody nights, it is expected that we handle it. Whenever she tells us last minute that she is no longer getting SD from camp, one of us runs to pick her up before closing. We are the default household, endlessly “on call.”
Recently, BM blocked out her week on the custody calendar and suddenly re-appeared and asked for time with SD. Because it had been long established that we were on our own this week, I had spent days actively searching for and hiring a new babysitter, and we bought tickets to an event with SD. When we let BM know about these plans, she sent a bunch of expletives and threatened to die so that my husband could go on living his life without consideration of her.
During a phone call later, BM said it came down to one core issue: I had been buying items for SD, and she wants to be the one who does that. She doesn’t feel like a mother if she cannot do that.
I was flabbergasted but told my husband to please let her go and buy whatever the hell she wants. I don’t care. We had to cancel the babysitter (still paid her because it’s not her fault) and re-work our schedule so BM could have time with SD. Even then, after moving mountains, BM dropped one of her custody days she had begged us for.
So SD comes back from BM’s house with new toys. Has BM paid my husband back for SD’s bills? No. Has she committed to 50/50? No. But SD has shiny new toys, so BM is the hero again. And now my husband is insecure, so when I ask SD to do her typical chores, he takes over and lets her sit back and relax, so we can be the “fun” house.
Dude, this is exhausting.
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u/InstructionGood8862 1d ago
Okay, is there court-ordered child support? If so, why is she getting it if her child is at your house all the time?
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u/faith00019 1d ago
No child support involved on either side. My husband has threatened to ask for some in the past. But he also enjoys having SD at home and is a very involved parent, so he worries if he tries to fight for it, he will lose time with her. He feels stuck.
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u/Sitcom_kid 1d ago
Has he met with an attorney? I don't know if you saw marriage story, but even though I love both actors, he needs to meet with the equivalent of Laura dern, not Alan alda. It should be a shark, and definitely a female one. I know it is scary, we think that judges go by gender stereotypes and the BM is taking advantage of this. But a meeting with a very good and experienced attorney should help him see that there may be some better options for him and the child, who is obviously better off with you and dad.There should be child support from her coming your way, in my view. But I am no lawyer, so please find one, and although I am full of advice, I don't know how to make it not be too expensive.
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u/cnunterz 1d ago
Court order would mean SD is getting the support she is owed from her mother and he would likely be granted primary custody legally. His fear is actually keeping his daughter in a precarious position.
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u/Straight-Coyote592 1d ago
It should still be done. If BM doesn’t want time then you’ll have an order in place. If this is her wake up call then unfortunately for your husband, it will go back to 50/50 but that’s also good for your SD
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u/BalledUpFist 1d ago
Your husband is a doormat. Take her to court for support. So she takes him up on the 50/50, not the end of the world. The child probably wants that time with mom and dad needs to not be selfish and let that happen. It is a win/win from your side. Either you get money to put towards actual bills, or child gets quality time with mom.
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u/Alittlemode 1d ago
You said your husband enjoys having SD so they haven’t gone back to court over child support-
But he is silently making this messed up situation happen.
He doesn’t want it to change or else he would work on it changing.
And it is NOT good for SD.
She needs to see her mom doing caretaking work.
And you are probably burnt out.
I would sit your husband down and have a very very serious talk about What is actually in the child’s best interest here and it’s not what your husband it doing. He’s doing what’s in his best interest which in some ways is being the hero parent just like BM thinks what she is doing is being the hero parent. They have staked out different realms and being the virtuous one in that realm and SD needs a mom and a dad who cares about sports pickups and doctors appointments- AND has the space in their life to have adult free time and the ability to be the fun toy splurge.
It’s not fair to you financially for there to be child support with this arrangement going on.
You can document how the custody schedule ahas actually been and you need your husband to seek a lawyer.
Then he needs to go to BM and tell her the custody order is going to change and child support is going to implemented if she cannot commit to her custody schedule and financial responsibilities.
This is within his power to change and make SDs childhood and sense of herself better.
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u/faith00019 23h ago
You make a good point that they’re both trying to be the hero parent. I have told him again and again to document the actual custody schedule and actually update it in real time when she declines. And I use those words now. When SD is with us again, I tell him, “So BM has declined her parenting time.” But there’s only so much I can do because the calendar is between the two of them.
I tell him all the time it is in SD’s best interest to be with her mom and I am not a replacement for her mom.
I agree I need to find a way to step back though because being the scapegoat for BM—and then undermined at home during custody transfer days (when the guilt is at its peak) by my husband—is not okay.
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u/grandAuntieHallie 23h ago
You're in a tough spot.
Your guy is still reeling from divorce, right? I mean, clearly. Drawing lines with a BM who just plain doesn't show up for her parenting time creates unacceptable consequences for a kid who is blameless. That sucks.Meanwhile, the many many dropped balls on BM's parenting time upend your household. This is by design. It's abusive - the BM using their kid as a pawn to control a household she has no influence over. Super fucked up.
If you were in a position to move further away and arrange BM parenting time to appear in much larger doses, where the travel to 'return to sender' the kid she is otherwise using? would be burdensome enough that it couldn't be used the way she's using it ... this would be justified, to end the abuse -of your guy- but puts the kid in the position of absorbing the manic, entitled and abusive self-absorbed mom. Ugh.
I don't know what the answer is, but if your guy is not seeing this as abuse, and addressing his ex as being aware of this as a game, that would be a start. Is he in counseling?
What can you do for yourself here? Disengage, I think that's it. I mean, it does you no good to absorb BM's abusive behavior. But supporting your guy, other than recognizing that this is abuse, I don't know. Having the conversation at hand-off, where he confirms that her parenting time is from [whenever] to [whenever] and that he plans to pick up SD at [time and place] and if she needs to change that plan for [reasons] that he hopes she understands that there are few things more important than her parenting time.
Unless there are.
That would be the foundation for SD to understand that none of the b.s. she'll be in therapy for later, relating to her mom's inability to prioritize someone besides herself, is about how much value she has as a human being. It has to do with her mom not being able to parent.
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u/Alittlemode 23h ago
This is so hard.
What would be the result if you asked DH when a good long open chunk of time would be to have a very serious conversation and then hold him to the time he has said would be okay, and let him know that your money and your time will no longer be used to “be the bigger person” because you truly feel this is not in SD’s interest, it’s not in your interest, and you need the situation to change.
I would acknowledge maybe DH will see this as an attack on him: his self esteem is being boosted by being the present paying parent - but that self esteem comes at the expense of YOUR time and resources, and comes at the expense of SD seeing her mom step up to care for her.
Ask if he would be willing to see his own hand in this cycle? By having zero issues with taking BMs custody time and footing the bill for it, he is encouraging his daighter and her mom to have a superficial unhealthy relationship.
Yes BM is the main force behind that.
But she has not legally given that custody time up: she is not abusive or dangerous.
If the first step was to send BM a message that he feels SD needs to have the court ordered custody time with her mom because closer to 50/50 is in the best interest of child and he cares about SD- and how can they move towards that goal or else he will need to Recife that actual schedule with child support- would he be willing to do this?
Instead of it being a quick conversation but one where you guys can do a deep dive on it?
What would he say?
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u/katmcflame SM for 30+ years 1d ago
There’s a lot of things your husband should do about this, but all you can change is yourself. What things can you change to reduce resentment?
- step back from caring for SD. Let your H truly be a solo parent.
- stop financially subsidizing BM. Separate finances, pay a reduced portion of monthly bills since there’s 2.5 of you, do not pay for anything SD related.
- busy yourself elsewhere & be unavailable to assist your H with SD. Take a new class, find a new hobby, go to the gym, spend time with friends. Pick ups, drop offs, medical & dental appointments? That’s on him. After all, BM made it clear she resents you doing things for SD (classic projection, btw), so you’re doing what she wants, right?
- tell your H the truth. ALL of it. How his doormatting is the root cause; how unfair this is for both you & SD; how you’re burnt out & resentful; & how his inaction has led to BM resenting you for doing what she chooses not to do.
You don’t want to become the scapegoat in their failed family dynamic, & that’s where this is headed. It’s right out of the BM playbook. You’ll become the family scapegoat: BM will drip poison into SD’s ear about you, leading to an alienated teen who disrespects you; & your husband will do nothing, all while expecting you to be, that’s right, The Bigger Person (tm).
Stop going along with things. I’m older, & have seen this exact same scenario play out countless times, all with the SM placed at the bottom of the hill while the poop rolls down.
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u/faith00019 22h ago
I’m talking with my husband tonight. I also need to clarify that BM was specifically upset about clothes for SD. I don’t financially contribute; I choose the clothing for back to school and we use my husband’s card. But she doesn’t like the idea of another woman dressing her child, which is fine—we were literally doing it out of necessity in the moment when SD had a growth spurt. I’m happy to step all the way back. But BM needs to fully commit to her part, and not just the “fun” stuff.
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u/katmcflame SM for 30+ years 19h ago
Stepping back creates space for change. Your H needs to feel all the frustration & inconvenience of solo parenting. Men typically just want to be comfortable, so removing ALL your labor, both physical & emotional, may give him the impetus to hold BM accountable. Instead of helping care for SD (choosing the clothes, cleaning up after her, driving, scheduling, doing her laundry etc) let your H actually BE the single parent. Let him fully experience the reality of his avoidance.
Much of our SP problems can be solved through the application for pressure &/or leverage. This is when communication fails, of course.
Please update us on how the convo goes. Fingers crossed your H listens & takes action.
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u/faith00019 18h ago
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I was already feeling frustrated at being BM’s scapegoat (despite also being her primary source of childcare) but things came to a head last night when I noticed my husband overriding my basic instructions so we could be the “fun” household too. It gets so exhausting to be stuck between two people who are competing with each other for SD’s attention when all she needs is just consistency. I’m talking with him tonight.
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u/tjs31959 1d ago edited 1d ago
It is job one of divorced/separated couples to have a court order clearly laying out the deal.
What happens if BM gets a crazy idea?
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u/Miserable_Credit_402 1d ago
I had been buying items for SD, and she wants to be the one who does that. She doesn’t feel like a mother if she cannot do that.
Imagine not feeling like a mom because someone else bought your kid something, but not feeling like you aren't a mom because you don't actually raise your kid. It's not your fault that the one thing BM wants to do can be done by... literally any adult in SDs life.
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u/faith00019 22h ago
This comment really hits the nail on the head. I told my husband, “What SD wants is not more toys but just TIME with her mother.” So when BM declined her custody time the next day, I threw up my hands.
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