I live with three roommates, and a few months ago I made garlic bread using basic salted butter, a ridiculous amount of cheap garlic powder, and a dash of dried parsley so it looked fancy. They went absolutely crazy over it and asked for my "secret family recipe." Instead of telling them I spent $0.50 and 30 seconds on it, I panicked and mysteriously said, "It's all about the whipping technique and letting the flavors bloom."

Now, every single pasta night, they practically beg me to make "the butter." I go into the kitchen, lock the door, aggressively shake garlic powder into melted butter with a whisk to sound busy, and present it on a small dish like a 5-star chef. I'm taking this secret to my grave.

be it a film saga, a book series, a line of video games, etc

I still have no idea how I actually survived this.

So, I live in an apartment with a gas stove. I’m renting the place. I put some eggs on to boil, turned on the gas, and walked back to my laptop for literally two seconds.

I sit down, open YouTube, thinking about what video I’m gonna eat to. And suddenly I hear this insanely loud PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS from the kitchen.

I’m like, what the fuck is happening?

I run into the kitchen and half of it is already on fire. Literally two seconds ago I was sitting at my laptop deciding what to watch while I ate.

I look over and the gas valve on the gas pipe had blown out, and gas was shooting out of the pipe under pressure directly into the flames. So this wasn’t just a kitchen fire. I had a fucking flamethrower in my kitchen.

But apparently the kitchen wasn’t done trying to kill me.

Right next to it was the electrical part of the stove, which was still powered, and it was shooting sparks all over the fucking kitchen.

Gas. Fire. Electricity. All at the same time.

At that point I just needed to find the fourth element and summon the final boss.

Somehow I make my way through the fire and shut off the gas valve from the other side. There were two valves on the pipe. Because apparently even the gas pipe knew one attempt at killing me wouldn’t be enough.

Then I run to the electrical panel and shut off all the power.

I come back to the kitchen and everything is still on fire. I start putting out the flames and somehow manage to get everything under control in about ten seconds.

Then I’m sitting there in complete darkness thinking, well, fuck. I survived. I had literally just escaped the home edition of Final Destination.

I call the landlord and tell him there’s been a fire, I shut off the gas and killed the electricity.

The landlord comes over and asks what happened. I tell him I don’t know, probably something with the electricity.

And he goes, well, turn it back on.

And me, being the most trusting fucking idiot alive, turn the power back on.

THE KITCHEN CATCHES FIRE AGAIN.

Just immediately. No pause. No warning. Just fucking replay.

At this point I’m imagining some tiny dispatcher living inside my kitchen going, okay, he turned the electricity back on. Begin phase two.

This time we both start putting out the fire.

Later we find out that somehow the gas stove had sent electrical current into the gas pipe. At the point where the gas pipe connected to the stove, the gas valve had become electrically charged, which caused it to blow out, and pressurized gas started shooting directly into the kitchen.

And then I realized one more absolutely horrifying detail.

When I was making my way through the fire during those first few seconds and reaching for the gas valve, I could have simply touched the gas pipe.

And that entire pipe had been electrically live the whole time.

So I could literally have been electrocuted to death at the exact moment I was trying to save the apartment.

And I didn’t even know I was potentially touching something that could kill me.

I was just thinking, I’ll shut off the gas.

And the gas pipe was basically thinking, I’ll shut off you.

And the most absurd part is that all of this started because of eggs.

I wasn’t fixing any wiring. I wasn’t messing with the gas system. I wasn’t doing anything dangerous.

I just put some eggs on to boil.

Eggs.

The safest food in the world as far as I’m concerned from that day on.

This entire fucking disaster probably lasted about ten seconds. In ten seconds I managed to witness a fire, gas shooting everywhere, electrical sparks, shut off the gas, kill the electricity, put out the fire, and then set the kitchen on fire again because the landlord told me to turn the power back on.

I honestly don’t even know how to describe it.

I went to boil some eggs. I came back with the kind of experience people usually get after surviving an explosion at an oil refinery.

And now, when I think back on the whole thing, what gets me the most isn’t even the fact that I could have died.

It’s the fact that if I hadn’t survived, my final thought before death would have been, fuck. The eggs never even finished cooking.

Ya…my ex friend group got tired of me sending 100 plus cringe worthy videos and selfies of myself so now I take to Reddit to fulfill that side of me…🕺🪩

It’s so fucking stupid but it makes me giggle so much. Especially this stock image. I made a fade-in gif of it on Discord and I lost my shit laughing. It’s just so fucking funny. I now kinda understand why people find stuff like 67 so funny, it’s random and it’s silly. Just like me laughing at this godforsaken symbol. It’s literally just a symbol used in sheet music why is it so funny to me😭 I love it so much

Edit: Wow, I’m so sorry some people who commented here have such a dull and joyless life. I hope whimsy finds you too someday, friends.

It could be us playing Playstation or watching a movie. By the time he got rid of that mattress, it had 5+ burn holes in it. But i always was on standby [when we chilled together] ready to grab a cup of water. I was never worried though, because i only seen cigs burn a bit before it stops burning after its been sitting.

Funniest was when he dropped it on himself one time. He woke up saying "Oh, shit!" 😂😂😂 he drink the hell out of a bottle of brandy and smoke Hella weed

For example this morning i was sat watching x men days of future past and was getting really into it , i then came to the realisation ( again ) that it wasnt real. This deeply saddend me on a stupid level. I love all things marvel ( Comics , movies , announcments , ect ). I really wish superheroes were real.

it was wonderful tonight by Eric Clapton btw

still, not sure if it's exactly the one I was thinking of but I only remember the instrumental so idk

THIS IS USA. I saved up for a special birthday meal for my mom. It was amazing. Delicious. And service was superb.

I worry that servers think all old people are cheap, so I left a large tip. But they absolutely deserve every penny... but I also wanted them to think kindly of us.

We are very easy customers, too. Easy to please because we are there to relax.

I also believe in NOT going to a table service restaurant if you haven't budgeted for a tip.

It might be that I don’t have many friends, or rarely make new ones, but I really wish when I would go for a walk, someone would just start talking to me in a friendly way.

I wish I could have a deep conversation with a stranger with no strings attached and then move on with my life.

Not a digital detox post lol, I’m not gonna tell anyone to touch grass.

I dropped my phone in a pan of onions the other day. Like, just the corner, but it literally smells of onions. So now I just leave it on the shelf in the hallway when I cook.

The first couple nights I felt so twitchy, kept patting my pockets for it.

But now it’s just like 40 mins of nothing asking me for anything.

I’ve started noticing stuff, like garlic hitting hot oil sounds different than onions do.

Also I hum when I chop vegetables. I’ve apparently was doing that but I stopped because of the mind boggling device I had in front of me.

It’s not deep or anything. I just think it’s funny that the only routine that actually stuck is the one I did by accident, after every deliberate "fix my life" thing I tried failed in a week.

Anyone else got a dumb accidental habit that turned out better than the deliberate ones?

No one else was eating it.

sometimes when my wife ordered me to buy something to the convenience store, i secretly buy kids food like gummy bears, chocolates and some fruity beverages that has a cutie packaging, because she sometime scolded me because i keep on my buying those things that has high sugar.

I hope I really do have a guardian angel somehow

We regretted later, but at least we have a funny memory that we still talk about, at least 20 years later!

i have a really bad habit of pretending i remember people when i absolutely do not.

someone will walk up to me like we were best friends in another life and say "hey, how have you been?"

and i'll just go "good, good, how about you?" while my brain is desperately trying to figure out who the hell this person is.

the worst part is i'll usually keep the conversation going instead of just asking their name because at that point i'm too embarrassed.

i've had entire conversations with people where i'm basically collecting clues like a detective.

then i'll get home and suddenly remember exactly who they were.

i don't know why admitting "sorry, remind me who you are" feels more embarrassing than pretending for five minutes that i have absolutely no idea what's happening.

I used to do it all the time when I was a little kid riding the back seat. I’d close one eye and move my head around and pretend a bug splat is a scope reticle ( I swear I invented “pew pew pew” but that’s a different sub. )

But now I’m a grown ass man and I get caught doing it all the time in Ubers or when someone else is driving. I’m always humiliated when I hear, “what the fuck are you doing?” but not enough to stop doing it.

I (22F) have been raised in a slavic household. That meant a tough exterior, no tears, no complaining. I have moved out at a young age and left that environment, but of course, my upbringing has me still hiding my emotions. It's just muscle memory. Don't cry. That's it. I didn't cry when I broke my arms, or when I got a 3rd degree burn on my leg and couldn't move for a week.

But secretly, I sometimes put a Christmas movie on and cry like a baby. I'm talking, sobbs and hiccups, red nose, the whole package.

The next day I just put on my resting bitch face and no one will ever know that I'm secretly a crybaby disguised as a tough slavic woman.

I'm very attracted to them; I think they're the most beautiful of all, and I'd like to marry one of them. When I see a muscular model, my heart beats very fast. Do you think it's a strange taste?

I’m too lazy to go into every social media platform & turn off the active status setting to keep people from seeing I’m currently connected. So whenever I don’t want to have to open my friends/family dms or look at anyone’s stories or have them see that I’m currently online I just scroll Reddit because for some reason I just have to doom scroll instead of putting my phone down & doing something productive. But I choose Reddit although sometimes I ping pong between this & YT shorts. Idk if Reddit shows a currently active status but if it does it doesn’t matter cuz none of my friends use Reddit.

That's my silly confession before I go nap also yes audio books are nice & all but it's not the same.

I want it to be personal to me, like we're on call & they're reading to me. Or in person, like holding me while I lay on their chest & they read away

I was banging her in doggy style and all of sudden I felt little warm air on my stomach and then I thought maybe she farted on me and then I just lost the desire although I didn't say anything to her.

it was weird for me and I was speechless

When I was 7 and my brother was 8, our dad bought a juicer. For a normal family, that’s just a kitchen appliance. For us, it was the beginning of a gastrointestinal disaster.
We started making fresh juice all the time, and my brother and I went absolutely feral for the apple one. Glass after glass. Especially him. He drank it like apples were about to become illegal the next morning.
Obviously, his eight-year-old stomach did not forgive this betrayal.
That evening we went to stay at our grandma’s house, and pretty soon there was a full-scale civil war happening inside my brother’s stomach. It was rumbling, twisting and inflating like someone was pumping up an air mattress in there.
At some point, he thought he just needed to fart.
And that was the biggest mistake of his young life:
he trusted the fart.
It was not a fart.
He shit his shorts.
And the best part? He decided to tell NO ONE.
He just sat there with a completely straight face, pretending everything was fine. Like he hadn’t just created a localized environmental disaster inside his own pants.
There was only one problem.
The smell.
He could deny everything he wanted, but that cloud already had its own passport, citizenship and permanent address.
Then our grandma walked into the room.
She took one breath.
Paused.
And her internal detective solved the case immediately.
Her eyes locked onto my brother.
“DID YOU SHIT YOURSELF?!”
My brother, who had been holding his defense like a war criminal under interrogation, instantly burst into tears.
Now, our grandma was old school. There was no, “It’s okay, sweetheart.”
She handed down the sentence:
WASH THE SHORTS BY HAND.
So there he was, eight years old, standing over the sink, washing his own shit-covered shorts while crying his eyes out and repeating through the tears:
“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WASH CLOTHES… I DON’T KNOW HOW…”
The level of tragedy in his voice made it sound like Grandma had sentenced him to twenty years of hard labor.
And I just stood there watching the whole thing like the only surviving witness of the Great Apple Juice Apocalypse.
Years have passed, but the phrase “I don’t know how to wash clothes” still deserves to be the official soundtrack of that night.
Moral of the story: never underestimate fresh apple juice.
And never. Ever.
Trust a fart after drinking way too much of it.

thats really it. like some overpriced shampoo and conditioner for curly hair that ill use in the shower. makes them very soft afterwards so it seems to be good quality. mwhahahaa

this has also carried to what I'm finished reading, mainly out of habit. so even if I've finished something, I don't usually talk about it.