r/sex • u/Reasonable_Life991 • 22d ago
I can't find a flair that fits Giving your partner sex even though you don’t particularly want to have sex
I hope this title doesn’t give off the wrong idea- just to clear a few things up, my partner(m) does not pressure me(f) in any sort of way to engage in sexual activities ever.
My question is, is it normal to have sex with your partner to satisfy their needs even if you’re not particularly in the mood? Now if I straight up don’t want to have sex I won’t but my sex drive isn’t nearly as high as his and sometimes I could take it or leave it. Is this normal/healthy or could this negatively impact our sex life? He doesn’t make me feel bad about it and is a great partner in every aspect of our relationship but I know he would like to have more sex. I don’t know how else to describe it besides me being fine with having sex. Like I’m not super horny and I’m not even worried about reaching orgasm I’m just okay with having sex to satisfy his needs. Is this okay? I don’t want him to feel bad like I don’t find him attractive or don’t want to have sex with him ever or like I just want to “get it over with” but my sex drive is just really not high at all and I want him to be sexually fulfilled in our relationship.
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u/RBNY75 22d ago
Whenever my wife goes out shopping she asks a if I want to come with her. Most of the time I say yes. Not because I like shopping, but because I enjoy being with my wife and having me there makes her happy. Which makes me happy. And usually in the end I having a good time too. Do I say no, sure when I really don’t want to go. And she is ok with that too.
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u/Chemical-Fun7612 22d ago
I love this answer! I also see it like this.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 22d ago
Yeah. I've often felt this type of question largely comes down to whether or not you have the ability to practice compersion.
It's easy to say one is low libidio but pushing through sex and recognizing thats not good for their long term mental health. But if you view it through a compersion lens the mental health aspect adjusts.
Now it's a question of can you find enjoyment out of giving your partner pleasure? Can you find some fun in almost making them orgasm? If you approach this this of behavior from that angle, you no longer truly need a libido. Because you don't rely on sex drive to want sex, you rely on your craving to see your partner in pleasure and that's more of a pure wholesome place that everyone, regardless of libido can usually empathize with deeply.
I personally subscribe to the fact that if you cannot exercise that desire to see your partner in a state of enjoyment and pleasure, you should take a step back and genuinely evaluate if you are in love or comfort.
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u/melanyebaggins 22d ago edited 22d ago
This is exactly how I feel about sex sometimes. I'm (a sex favourable) Ace and most of the time I'm 'meh' on sex, but if it's suggested to me, unless I'm really not feeling great, it's usually 'yeah okay' and we do it. And it's not coerosion at all, just the suggestion, cause without it I'll probably never think of it as a thing we can do. And most of the time I do end up enjoying myself. Exactly like going out shopping when I wasn't planning on it.
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u/VampireFlayer 22d ago
Co-erosion is my new favorite typo. Sounds like growing apart.
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u/melanyebaggins 22d ago
Ahahaha omg I thought I fixed it! (It was originally autocorrected to 'corrosion' which was bad enough 😄)
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u/QuislingX 22d ago edited 22d ago
What a crazy concept, doing something because it makes someone else besides yourself happy and feel good.
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u/TheThrivingest 22d ago
I love this
Yes, this is basically exactly it.
Plus he’s never pestering me. He can read the room. It’s never at a really inconvenient time. I try to turn towards bids when I can, it’s part of a healthy relationship
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u/Ok-Joke-915 22d ago
Great analogy. If you against having sex at that moment of course not. Sex and intimacy bond you so there is value in it and brings closeness. Relationships are about give and take and even sex is a part of it. Totally theoretical with a male but there may be times he accommodates you 🤣🤣🤣 You would also be surprised but the roles can switch later in life.
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u/Henry5321 22d ago
Nearly everything is life is this way. People overthink sex and treat it as something different.
Enjoying doing something purely because someone else benefits is part of being social.
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u/thenagel 22d ago
i saw this post on my screen, and i thought i would pop in an and answer.
i was even going to use shopping as an example.
i now am no longer going to do any of that because you've said it far more succinctly and clearly than i was probably going to.•
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago edited 22d ago
That is your reasoning but other people don't see sex and shopping as equal activities. For some people, sex has a different meaning and purpose than just walking next to your partner. It's about mutual fulfilment and I am sure those people are ok with having less sex as long as both are into it every time.
See it from the other person's perspective: Are they ok with this? Are they ok with enjoying themselves while you're just meh and not interested? For some people, sex is an intimate thing where they're opening up themselves to another person and not just about their own pleasure.
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u/Shazoa 22d ago
Yeah, I can never enjoy sex unless my partner is actually really enthusiastic. If they were just doing it for me or are just neutral about it, I'm not interested either. If all I need is a physical release I can do that myself.
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u/notwhoiwas44 22d ago
Ok but what if they are one of the not at all uncommon people who are pretty meh or neutral about sex until after it's started?
Everyone is all about enthusiastic consent these days but there's a not small number of people who simply don't get that way until sex has already started. Note that sex starting in this case is any sexual action nor just intercourse.
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u/Shazoa 22d ago
In context, I'm talking about when people come away from the situation feeling like it was ok and they could take it or leave it. If they start and then get really enthusiastic that's another thing entirely, really.
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u/notwhoiwas44 22d ago
And if they come away feeling just okay sometimes that's entirely fine too. Not all sex is great sex.
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u/lasagnaman 22d ago
Yes, it's fine, I certainly wouldn't say there's anything wrong with them. But that wouldn't be an enjoyable sexual experience for me.
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u/Shazoa 22d ago
I'm more talking about people who regularly feel they could take or leave sex and that it isn't something they are, as a rule, overly enthusiastic about. Of course it's going to be a bit meh sometimes for any couple.
But if my partner or I regularly came away from it feeling it was just ok or that we just kinda went along with it without strong desire, I wouldn't find myself to be sexually compatible with them.
Not all sex is great sex.
No, but it should be the vast, vast majority of the time or I don't see the point.
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u/just-peaachy 22d ago
I think the distinction is that even if I'm not jumping at my partner, I still can be receptive to intimacy and closeness. If it felt like they were forcing something I'm not into I would put the brakes on but sex is nice and I don't need to be extremely turned on to enjoy being close to someone. I kind of see it as an extension of kissing/cuddling sometimes.
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u/rawhideheart 22d ago
having a dick/fingers/vibe inserted into you, having your body parts touched, is really not comparable to being bored going out looking at objects
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u/Tr0gdorTheBurn1nator 22d ago
Taking the analogy literaly here. We know getting fucked is not shopping thanks.
Thats heck of a good analogy. She did not say she hates whats about to happend, just thst she would not have done it not being to please his husband because she did not have the need to but does nlt mind it happening eighter. 100% what the guy said for shopping too.
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22d ago
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u/sex-ModTeam 22d ago
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u/sfrog69 22d ago
It just literally *is* different. Sex and sexual boundaries carry stronger weight to people than other activities. It’s probably worth considering that having sex when feeling meh about it can potentially make someone feel different than doing another activity they feel so so about.
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u/Tr0gdorTheBurn1nator 22d ago
Generalizing here. "Sometimes" or "for some people" should be trown before your sex and sexual bondaries sentense. Everybody is different.
Some of us do not see compromising on sex as a soul crushing experience where you inherently are losing part of yourself little by little...
If this is indeed neutral for op but she is wondering if this is ok, this does not seem like an issue to her, as it is not for many of us.
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22d ago
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u/sex-ModTeam 22d ago
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u/sfrog69 22d ago
I don’t think my age applies to it that much seeing we don’t know how old OP is/how long their relationship is.
It’s not a bad thing to suggest someone preserves their well-being over their partner’s sexual satisfaction, if they’re actually cool with having sex, or they genuinely don’t mind they’re not going to read that person’s reply and be worse off, it is a fact•
u/Big_Yogurtcloset_246 22d ago
I have always disagreed with this. I hate going to Target. I can't stand the employees, the shoppers, the environment. It all turns me off. My wife loves to go. So I go with her even though it is something I struggle with. How is that any different?
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u/QuislingX 22d ago edited 22d ago
Oh man, you mean sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, and if there's not an immediate gratification or reward for doing so? Or even if we don't like it?
Dang. That's crazy.
Just like doing chores or sometimes you're not always in the mood too, clean the toilet or take a shower, but you do it anyway because that's what you do? Dang that's crazy.
/uj if everyone waited until they were always in the mood to do something, society would fucking collapse. But for some reason we treat sex as the thing is the one thing that you do only when you feel like it and you never do it to show your partner you care for him or anything like that. Let no, you out isn't immediately pleasurable for me, but I like making you feel good so I do it.
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u/slothbear02 22d ago
I'd say this is a false equivalence. Sex isn't a commodity to give; it should always be with enthusiastic consent. Especially when women's bodies are treated like commodities, the notion of women having to 'give sex' is dangerous, especially if she doesn't get a climax and is only being treated as a sex toy
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u/newlybi34 22d ago
It’s not equivalent but there can be some truth to it. The key part is the like “in the end I have a good time too”
Some people have very “responsive” sex drives and so while they may not be super into it to start, once it starts they are into it very shortly after.
Obviously you shouldn’t if you like actively don’t want to but there’s a huge diff between that and I feel meh about it right now but bet I’ll get into it as we get going.
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22d ago
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u/newlybi34 22d ago
I mean you and I agree here.
I mean the girl actually has a good time. I don’t want to get that into how it works in my relationship but yah she’s always getting off. Typically multiple times.
So that itself makes it easier for her when the opportunity arises for sex and she’s more just in a take it or leave it mood that she chooses to take it.
I’m not advocating anyone who doesn’t like start from that base relationship of trust and mutual pleasure “push through” any not being turned on.
Just it can be a type of response ppl in those good relationships have where they aren’t particularly in the mood to start but start anyway bc they know they will be once it gets going and their partner makes it fun for them.
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22d ago
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u/notwhoiwas44 22d ago
but just focus on the language OP uses in the title.
You mean the language that she herself starts by saying she hopes it doesn't give the wrong idea?
I think it's a much better idea to focus on her much more in depth description and clarification from the rest of the post
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u/newlybi34 22d ago
Yah that’s fair.
I dove into the comments a bit too fast. Rereading her post I don’t like how it sounds she’s solely doing it to please them and there’s not talk of getting turned on.
Like ultimately if it works for a couple sure but it raises red flags for me.
Responsive desire is normal however yah if it’s a good mutually beneficial sex life it’d be described differently. Ie yah sure im not turned on to start but i do “want” the sex bc i know it will be good.
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u/notwhoiwas44 22d ago
Oh one more thought. It's the woman who wants more sex in a relationship far more often than you think. Yes it is more common for it to be the man but not by anywhere near as wide a margin as most people think. Going off of r/deadbetrooms it's about 65/35.
Based on your entire tone I strongly suspect you'd be saying something completely and totally different if it were a man saying his wife wanted more sex. Probably something along the lines of "why can't you just satisfy your wife".
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u/GarethH-1986 22d ago edited 21d ago
100% of the time? Really
Google "delayed ejaculation". It's the third most common male sexual dysfunction. Your assertion that men get to climax 100% of the time IMMEDIATELY shows you are being hyperbolic and therefore consciously misrepresenting the situation. Mentalities like yours are the reason men with delayed ejaculation feel broken and their partners feel unattractive - because people with your mindset say "men ALWAYS climax" so the immediate takeaway for someone in a relationship where delayed ejaculation is a thing is "this relationship is in trouble". As someone who has battled DE for YEARS - thank you for being part of the problem. I'm turning 40 next month and only finally came to terms with the fact that I am NOT in fact broken a year ago after almost 12 years being sexually active, so for those twelve years of my life...thank you...
EDIT: Since the comment I'm replying to has been removed by a moderator, just explaining my tone in this comment - the commenter made the bold, and deliberately incorrect, assertion that during sex, men climax 100% of the time, as if there's no need to worry about your partner's pleasure in sex if said partner is a man because "it always happens" which is blatantly untrue.
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u/notwhoiwas44 22d ago
Oh I can absolutely see why she feels the need to ask even if she is enjoying it every or almost every time. The way that the need for enthusiastic consent is talked about by a lot of people, you would think that it is inherently hugely mentally and emotionally damaging. If you agree to sex anytime, you're not already highly aroused.
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u/notwhoiwas44 22d ago
especially if she doesn't get a climax and is only being treated as a sex toy
But that's not at all what the OP said. She said she usually ends up enjoying it.
And I highly doubt that the person who gave the shopping analogy is saying sex and shopping are the same. They were saying that going ahead and doing it even if they had no active burning desire to do it,most often results in a good time.
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u/Clockstruck12 22d ago
Sounds fine to me. If you’re willing and you enjoy the encounters, who am I to say otherwise? All long-term relationships have this to some degree, at least occasionally.
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u/sfrog69 22d ago
It really just depends how you feel about it.
Think afterwards: are you satisfied and glad you had sex? Or do you feel regretful or kinda upset?
If it’s the first, I think it’s OK - a lot of people have more of a receptive style of desire where they’re not necessarily gonna get spontaneously horny that often but will enjoy it if they get going. If it’s the latter, or you feel like you’re bypassing your own boundaries to satisfy him, maybe don’t.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
It really just depends how you feel about it.
It does not just depend on how OP feels about it. It also depends on how their partner feels because they will notice, if they care about OP.
Communication is key, always.
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u/sfrog69 22d ago
I mean, yeah ideally the partner would notice if there was something wrong, but it ultimately IS about how OP feels about it…not them. I don’t fully get the point of the reply in reference to my comment
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
it ultimately IS about how OP feels about it…not them.
Disagree. If my partner is not that into sex then I want to know. Sex is about two people, not just one, and it's not fair to the other side when they may have very different expectations about it. To argue that everything is consensual because she agreed to it inside her head is not ok.
Consent goes both ways. Just because she consents to having sex while not being that into it that doesn't mean her partner wants the same thing.
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u/sfrog69 22d ago
I just feel like this perhaps makes more sense as its own comment still. If OP feels the need to “satisfy [the partner’s] needs” I somehow doubt the issue of unenthusiastic consent here is really about the partner as opposed to OP. Obvs if both people are open about their desires and the way they perceive sex, that’s ideal, but the point of my comment is for the OP to consider their own autonomy over satisfying their partner.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
I agree that OP's autonomy is important and relevant but I'm saying/adding that this applies to her partner as well. We don't know what they think.
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u/babs726 22d ago
One of my friends said something a long time ago that stuck with me. She said that even when you’re not totally in the mood, remind yourself that in the end, it feels REALLY GOOD. 😂
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u/roundhashbrowntown 22d ago
agree with your friend.
having sex when im in a lukewarm mood for it reminds me of the days i feel lukewarm about going to the gym, but always leave feeling at least 5x better.
this concept is obviously separate from consent, but more about mismatched moods and employing mechanics, so to speak.
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u/Juzzz21947 22d ago edited 22d ago
I think it's quite considerate, just be careful this practice does not lead to sexual aversion for you.
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u/IveGotaGoldChain 22d ago
Or for him. For some people there's a big difference between having sex with someone that wants it and someone that is just doing it to please the other person
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u/RubyHammy 22d ago
This! My interest in sex is much high than my bf and it caused some conflict and hurt feelings in the past. He is a people pleaser and does anything to avoid conflict. Now sex has increased but I can tell it was just to please me. This has lead to me not even wanting sex. I wanted a compromise, not duty sex. I literally cant even get turned on by his touch because I feel so awful because it feels like pity.
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u/artscijam 22d ago
Sounds like y'all should talk about it and reset. Figure out new ways to communicate your desires and needs. That is if you want the relationship to continue. And if not, you should still talk and not suffer in silence and build resentment.
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u/RubyHammy 22d ago
I have tried. I love him dearly, but his ex of a lot of years was very abusive and it really messed with a lot of things. It drives me crazy that he is so submissive and wont tell me what he wants. It is slowly getting better, but frustrating none the less. It doesnt help that he is shy to begin with.
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u/seantheaussie 22d ago
I can rely on enjoying sex even if I'm not particularly in the mood, so it is normal for me.
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u/kasuchans 22d ago
Same. On the rare occasion I’m not super interested in sex, it’s still quite good, so I still have it lol.
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u/knowitallz 22d ago
Yes you can and it's good to do that. Be careful you don't resent him for it. Resentment is a true relationship killer. If you find you did it when you really should not have check yourself and evaluate before you offer it next time. Also make sure you are engaged and not just showing up half hearted.
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u/roskybosky 22d ago
Married people do this all the time. You are not going to be in sync every single time, but if a partner is in the mood, you get in the mood yourself knowing THEY are, or maybe just go ahead anyway.
(I’m sure my husband is not thinking of sex every time I approach him, but he will gladly shift gears to make me happy.)
LTRs are like this, and it’s normal and very okay.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
But OP didn't say she gets in the mood. That is not her issue or question here.
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22d ago
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u/kasuchans 22d ago
Not just women, my husband has said he does the same for me since I have the higher drive. As does the commenter you replied to. Not every instance of this happening is due to patriarchy.
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u/roskybosky 22d ago
That’s not the reason. If you can’t do it, you just say no. If someone offers you a slice of watermelon, maybe you weren’t thinking of watermelon at that moment, but you still might say, ‘yes, sounds good.’
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u/sex-ModTeam 21d ago
All contributions here need to be constructive, thoughtful, on-topic, mature, sex-positive, civil, and respectful.
Your post/comment falls short of one or more of those basic standards and has been removed accordingly.
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u/letheix 22d ago
I think of libido like cake. I may not be particularly hungry but if someone presents me with a piece of cake, I'll gladly eat some cake, you know? So to me, having sex when you weren't in the mood can be healthy, but only if you start getting into it and enjoying it, too.
If you remain neutral the entire time, just going along from a sense of obligation, then that's when it becomes unhealthy. You're ignoring your body's signals, which damages your emotional wellbeing, physical wellbeing, and the relationship over time. This can also cause a rebound effect where your own libido decreases from what its normal baseline would otherwise be.
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u/Turbulent_Sky_5914 22d ago
Yes. This is normal and healthy.
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22d ago edited 22d ago
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u/GenerousBull1969 22d ago
It's healthy for a relationship. Sex is a basic human need and very healthy both physically and emotionally, and very much needed for a healthy relationship.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
I didn't ask why sex is healthy.
Sex is only emotionally healthy if both people are aligned and communicate. Emotional healths means being open and considering what the other person wants. If both sides are fine with this arrangement, whatever, their life, but I would want to know how much my partner wants it.
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u/GenerousBull1969 22d ago
There's almost always an imbalance in sex drive, especially over time, and it's usually the wife/girlfriend that wants less of it after a year or so.
So what are the men supposed to do? Just go without it? Have affairs? End the relationships?
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
What kind of question is that, "what are men supposed to do when they don't get sex"? I don't like the way you're thinking about sex at all.
If you cannot be without sex then you need to decide if you want to stay with your partner. But if you want to stay then you will have to arrange yourself with getting less sex or find out if your partner is ok with an arrangement with a more one-sided form of sexual pleasure.
However, the worst option is having sex where your partner is not into it, just for your sake, just so you can have sex, because then what is even the point? May as well just masturbate.
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22d ago
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u/Ok-Zookeepergame9266 22d ago
The 2 people in question consent, but anxiousend4669 does not
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22d ago
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u/dual_citizenkane 22d ago
I don’t think that’s what OP is saying.
In fact they said basically the opposite: she is OK with it and wants to please her partner, even if she isn’t 100% in line with his sex drive.
She says specifically “if I straight up don’t want to have sex, I won’t”.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
In fact they said basically the opposite: she is OK with it and wants to please her partner, even if she isn’t 100% in line with his sex drive.
Did OP's partner agree to it? It doesn't sound like it, that is why she came to Reddit to ask about it.
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u/dual_citizenkane 22d ago
Exactly - sounds like she’s asking if it’s normal and hasn’t talked to her partner about it.
Pretty par for the course with posts here - communication is always key.
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u/Snow2D 22d ago
she does NOT want sex
Learn to read.
She literally says
I don't know how else to describe it besides me being fine with having sex.
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u/melanyebaggins 22d ago
That's not duty though. Duty would be if she actively doesn't want it but does it anyway. This is 'yes I want to make you happy and this doesn't make me unhappy.' It's 'I'm saying yes because It's fine, and I know you would respect my 'no' if I gave it.' It's a neutral activity for OP in this situation.
For context, I'm Ace. I rarely ever independently desire sex, but I still have sex because I enjoy being close to my partner. It's almost never my idea, he always initiates, but I do it. Does that mean I can never consent to sex? Of course not. Different people have different bars for that kind of thing. If he waited for me to enthusiastically consent, we'd have sex maybe once a year.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago edited 22d ago
I don't think anyone's feelings about having sex with your partner should be "it doesn't make me unhappy". I find that sad.
For context, I'm Ace. I rarely ever independently desire sex, but I still have sex because I enjoy being close to my partner. It's almost never my idea, he always initiates, but I do it.
If you both agree to this then it's fine, it's your life, but not everyone wants that kind of one-sided approach. Other people want to see enthusiasm and desire.
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u/DansburyJ 22d ago
Yes, but not wanting it does not apply to the comment you're replying to or to the OP.
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u/melanyebaggins 22d ago
Good thing we're not in a relationship then.
I don't feel sexual attraction at all. To anyone. Ever. I almost never independently desire sex. I'm not sex averse, I like it when I do have it, but it's almost never my idea. Should I never have it then? That's not up to you.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
Should I never have it then? That's not up to you.
Did I suggest it's up to me? No. I am arguing that it's not just up to you either because you need to talk with your partner about it and get their consent first.
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u/melanyebaggins 22d ago
Bold of you to assume I don't have healthy communication with my partner.
I realised I was ace while in this relationship, and he's well aware of it because I'd been struggling for years trying to figure out why I was having issues. If anything, my sex life is way better now that I've learned about the split attraction model, the various different types of attraction (romantic, sensual, aesthetic, intellectual, etc.), and that sexual attraction and libido are very different things. For most people those things usually align. For me, they don't.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
Bold of you to assume I don't have healthy communication with my partner.
I didn't say that.
But it does seem you're not that great at healthy communication and listening, you immediately went on the attack when you read something you didn't like instead of confirming it, so I am going to leave this conversation before it gets worse - because it always does on Reddit.
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u/AnxiousEnd4669 22d ago
yes, you should not have it if you don't want it. if you want it once a year then once a year you should have it. you shouldn't do it for the sake of someone else. if you want that, ok, but it is not healthy.
been though that, for years. and it brought me major trauma, at first i didn't realized, i also thought i wanted that but it was not, i just didn't love myself enough to say no
i don't say this is your case but a person should have sex only if they desire it
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u/melanyebaggins 22d ago
I've never had sex when I didn't want it. If I don't, I say so. Saying yes when I'm asked for sex isn't a concession or a coerosion, it's a yes. Just because I'm Asexual and don't think about or actively desire sex all the time doesn't mean I don't understand how consent works.
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u/slothbear02 22d ago
Your anecdote does not make this dangerous idea of neutrality okay. Consent should be ENTHUSIASTIC, and women's pleasure matters too. Sex isn't owed; it's not a commodity to give. It's something people have for mutual pleasure and satisfaction, women's bodies aren't sex toys for men
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u/melanyebaggins 22d ago
"consent should be enthusiastic"
Agreed, however I'm Asexual. I don't ever get aroused or 'in the mood' just by being around or looking at people like non-ace people do. If we're relying on that as a tell for consent I'll never have it, even though I do actually like sex. Just because I don't get horny all the time (sometimes I do, but it's relatively rare) doesn't mean I can't consent to sex. It's honestly pretty invalidating to assume just because I'm not 'omg baby yes' all the time, I don't actually want it. A bit too 'you don't actually know what you want, but I know better.'
"A woman's pleasure matters too..."
Did I say I don't get pleasure from sex? Another assumption.
"Sex isn't owed"
On that we agree. I don't owe anything to anyone and my partner knows that. That's why if he asks and I say 'no' he respects it. Because I can do that. Sometimes he says no to me.
"Women's bodies aren't sex toys for men"
Implying that's how I'm treating my own body?
Look, I get it, there's a lot of issues with people misunderstanding consent these days, but I don't think this rant was meant for me. I'm an adult and I did a lot of work to understand and accept my own body and boundaries and the fact that my sex drive works differently than most people's.
My biggest concern here is that you seem to think that enthusiastic consent looks the same for everyone. I'm Asexual - I will almost never be 'omg yes baby!' about sex. That doesn't mean I don't want or enjoy it when I have it, or am not able to say no when I don't.
I don't always want cake. I don't have a sweet tooth so I don't crave cake. I could happily go years without ever eating or even thinking about cake. But if someone brings out a cake, just the suggestion alone might make me want to have some so I can share cake with them. I didn't want it before it was offered, but usually it's pretty damned good cake.
Sexuality, especially asexuality, is a huge spectrum and everyone experiences it differently. Just because my consent doesn't look like yours doesn't make it any less valid.
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u/Astroisbestbio 22d ago
She very specifically said she doesnt not want it. She could just take it or leave it. She specified if she didnt want to, she wont. So your comment does not apply here.
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u/GenerousBull1969 22d ago
So what is a guy supposed to do when his wife stops wanting sex? Is he supposed to just go without it?
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22d ago
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u/thelryan 22d ago
Marital rape is when one spouse has sex with the other despite them not wanting to have sex. Do you understand that this is not what OP is describing? OP states if she does not want to have sex, she will not, and her spouse is not pressuring her to do so.
If you’re going to call this rape, I think we have fundamentally different views on what rape is.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
The 2 people in question consent
No. OP's partner did not consent to sex being just fine. They consented to sex, yes, but what that means is not aligned because I don't think OP's partner wants to have sex where OP is just fine with it. At least OP needs to clarify that but she hasn't done that.
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u/DansburyJ 22d ago
If i only had sex with my partner when I was enthusiastic about it, we would maybe have sex once a month. That would be a terrible life for my partner. Instead, I always say yes (or initiate) when I want it, and often say yes when I'm not particularly horny as an act of love for my partner. We are a really great team, just my libido has gotten much lower so they don't match up so much anymore. I would rather have sex sometimes I'm not absolutely craving it, and have us both be healthy and happy than try to force my partner to live in a nearly dead bedroom, or break up.
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22d ago
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u/Hutchiaj01 22d ago
Nobody is saying to have sex when you definitively don't want to. But there's nothing wrong with having sex when you don't mind but aren't feeling feral
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u/sex-ModTeam 21d ago
All contributions here need to be constructive, thoughtful, on-topic, mature, sex-positive, civil, and respectful.
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u/rombeli1 22d ago
It is probably more normal than most people think.
If I knew my wife ever had sex with me but not want it herself, I would hate it. I want her to want me. If that isn’t the case, it doesn’t feel right
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u/thegreatiaino 22d ago
I think that's fine and is pretty normal. The fact you've said you're ok with having sex in these situations and that if you straight up didn't want to you wouldn't is the key point. He's not pressuring you, you're ok with it, he's presumably ok with it. There's no harm here to anyone.
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u/Mist_biene 22d ago
I like to plesure my partner. So yes. Sometimes. But only if I want to. I have had lots of sex in situations there I wouldn't have had initiated but I don't mind it. I like the closeness and the intimicy.
It gets problematic I you feel like you have to to make your partner happy
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u/saint_lily 22d ago
I would check out the spectrum of consent concept by Emily Nagowski. She talks about this and I have found it really helpful and validating :)
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u/CommonSense07 22d ago
Here's my view. If you have a good relationship or marriage, then you should be doing everything you can to take care of what your partner needs and vice versa. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but that's what a solid relationship looks like to me. Now obviously that has to be within some kind of boundaries, but as long as it's nothing too crazy then people should be willing to take care of their partner.
So to answer your question, that is really awesome if you are willing to do that for your partner. As a high sex drive partner with a low sex drive partner, please just make sure you're not just going through the motions and let him know that you enjoy taking care of him even if you're not really there.
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u/lexisplays 22d ago
For some it's ok, for me absolutely not. Unless it's an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
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u/sasoriza-chan 22d ago edited 22d ago
It’s up to you whether it feels right or wrong. Personally, I would hate to have sex with someone who isn’t that into it or is just going through the motions for my sake. I would find it really disengaging and demoralising.
It might end up being that you let him do it even though you’re not super into it, he does it and can tell you’re not super into it, and then you both just feel weird and a bit sad afterwards.
I think you’d be better off thinking longterm solutions and talking to a doctor if you’re worried your sex drive is that low. And if your sex drive is normal and you’re just mismatched, then he can simply have a wank when he’s horny and you’re not. Masturbation and self-pleasure doesn’t need to be off the table just because you’re in a relationship. 🤷♀️
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u/Quendillar3245 22d ago
Yes, as long as there's full consent from both and no pressure being put and clear boundaries are set I'd say this is normal and healthy for couples
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u/Katinkia 22d ago
It's totally normal. I often could take or leave it but understand my male partner needs/wants it more than me. If I don't mind, I oblige but I definitely don't ever do it if I really don't want to.
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u/ForbiddenFruitiness 22d ago
First of all: Yes. That is (at least for me) completely normal.
I have various reactions to the scenario, depending on how interested vs. uninterested I am. Maybe something here will give you inspiration or reassurance.
When I know I am just not going to get horny that day, but still have capacity, I like putting my partner center stage, because I REALLY enjoy his pleasure (sometimes even to the point, where horny ends up happening afterall, but then all of these are flexible). A happy ending massage or oral are usually my go to in those situations.
When I think I might get horny, but I am just absolutely not at the moment, I invite my partner to seduce me, if he initiates. “I am not there right now, but I am open to being seduced” or something along those lines, opens up the conversation and he can decide where he wants to go from there.
When I am a bit horny and feel with some work, I could get really enthusiastic, again I communicate it and we spent as long on foreplay as needed.
When I feel I am just going to stay on the horny, but not super horny line, I tend to have a think about what I want in that moment. Do I crave connection? Do I crave seeing my partner happy? Those tend to be the big two and I navigate from there. Often I just love that connection I get out of sex, even if I am not that excited myself or alternatively get a lot out of my partner’s pleasure. Realising what I want in that moment usually helps me find the option that will leave both of us happy.
Generally, I only actually say “no”, if I am over capacity that day (though other exceptions obviously have applied in the past). Even when I am tired, but open to horniness, I tend to communicate that with my partner. If he is happy for me to starfish and make happy noises, then off we go. I don’t do that out of a sense of obligation either - it’s genuinely just that I love that connection and my partner’s pleasure and can usually get something out of those, even if I am not in the right headspace myself.
Disclaimer: I am HL. Most of the time I just very enthusiastically jump his bones.
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u/Interesting_Ruin_885 22d ago
If you’re getting something out of it (comfort, feeling close to eachother, feeling happy knowing your partner is happy) and at other times have sex because you’re really in the mood I’ve never seen an issue with it. I might not be horny but I love when my partner is and want to keep it that way
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u/DansburyJ 22d ago
My libido has taken a nose dive. If we only ever had sex when I really wanted it, it would maybe be once a month. I have started saying yes whenever I feel like I can, even if I'm not super in the mood. I have talked to my partner about this, and will say something to the effect of "you can use me" so he knows I don't want to focus on my orgasm, but am willing to help get him off. This makes it easier to say yes when I otherwise would not want to, which obviously gets him laid more often.
Importantly, my partner also never pressures me, this is a conscious decision I made to help my partner have a satisfying sex life.
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u/CapableWives 22d ago
I have gone along with sex with my husband when I didn't actively want it. I always enjoy it once we get going, and have never regretted it, not one time. If he weren't an amazing partner who always ensured my pleasure, I wouldn't, but he is very generous, and asks for so little, it's an easy decision. If I actively don't want sex, of course I don't have it, but if I could take it or leave it, it's worth taking it!
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u/Background-Gur8294 22d ago
The issue is that you didn't mention how you feel about it. That is the most important thing. You need to ask yourself that and then ask the questions that arrive going out from there. How do you feel after? Do you dread it? Ask yourself these questions and be honest about the answers
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u/blachorses 22d ago
You should read Emily Nagoski’s books Come As You Are and Come Together
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u/crowinghorse13 22d ago
This. As a pastor who meets with couples before they marry, i can't recomend these books enough to people - especially men - who are looking to learn more about the difference in sexual relations and desires.
It's NEVER ok to compromise one's personal boundaries. And it's also a part of every healthy intimate relationship to establish healthy boundaries. That's why this is a conversation to be had with your partner/s and you - to determine what's healthy and unhealthy for you all
Hear this too: healthy boundaries change throughout intimate long-term relationships
My spouse's desire for physical sexual intercourse - and mine - have changed drastically throughout our 30 years together (25 married). When i came home from war, my spouse would desire sex sometimes and i wasn't interested...but on some occasions, i would still have sex because i knew they had a desire and, as their spouse who loves them deeply, i believe it's one of my hopes and joys to be a part of bringing them joy. Personally, i have never regretted this. My spouse has done the same as well. This was a discussion and decision we made together and we have the discussion on the regular to ensure our boundaries stay clearly communicated. That's what a long-term, committed, loving, successful, intimate relationship requires: communication, commitment, and love - that's what intimacy is.
Blessings to you - i hope you establish clearly communicated healthy boundaries.
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u/Entropyanxiety 22d ago
I think this is my favorite way someone has addressed this so far. I think your take is perfectly nuanced
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u/6352956104 22d ago edited 22d ago
Lots of people jump to say this is normal and healthy and essential in long-term relationships. I disagree. It's simply a sign of a mismatched libido relationship, frequently called "duty sex".
He's not pressuring you but you internally feel a continual obligation to have more sex than you truly want to because you're aware of the mismatch in libidos. You shouldn't have to have sex more frequently for your partner to understand you're attracted to them, not to "feel bad", or "like you don't want sex with them ever". He should know those things. If he doesn't and can't understand that you just want sex inherently less frequently than him then the libido mismatch is too significant for the relationship to work. Seems to be a stereotype of "men" accepting "duty sex" because that's how marriages work...well, is that relationship truly working?!
Do you want to view sex as something "fine" you do in order to maintain a relationship? Plenty of people are happy with viewing sex that way, as "needs" to be fulfilled, and sex as something they "give" to another person. Personally I'm not, and I'm not compatible with people who view sex that way- so I ensure my relationships are without significant libido mismatches.
All your choice how you want your relationship with sex to work. But don't feel pressured that you're going to have to do this in any relationship because you're low libido and "men want sex". No. Fuck that mindset. You can find sexually compatible partners, only have sex when you really want it, and maintain a healthy relationship with sex where it never turns into a duty.
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u/ikediggety 22d ago
I don't completely disagree, but I don't completely agree either.
When we're picking a restaurant, if my wife says "I really am not in the mood for Denny's tonight" but I insist we go to Denny's, then I'm a jerk. If my wife says, "I don't care where we eat tonight, you decide" and I decide to go to Denny's, even though she didn't specifically want Denny's, I don't think I'm a jerk at all.
There have been plenty of times I asked my wife if she was interested in sex and her literal response was "not right now, but I'll be into it by the time we're done". And sure enough, she was. Other times she's feral, other times it's a no and that's that. Fortunately she has no trouble saying no.
From the other responses in this thread, it seems we're not alone in how we view it. Especially in the context of a long term monogamous relationship or marriage, I think "I could go either way" is an acceptable answer as long as it's an honest one.
To me, duty sex is when you don't want to at the start, you don't enjoy it while it's going on, and you're happy when it's over. This is where resentment comes from. I think there's a difference between having duty sex and just taking a little longer to get revved up in middle age. It's great that you've managed to avoid libido mismatches but many long term couples find that their libidos were a great match at 22 but not so much at 45. Do you throw a whole marriage away over libido mismatch, or do you find a way to make it work because you love your soulmate?
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u/6352956104 22d ago edited 22d ago
Those aren't the only two options. Presenting it as though throwing away a long marriage (which we have no idea if OP is in) or having sex more frequently are the only two options simply isn't true but seems to be a popular argument thrown around. Both parties can compromise, not simply the lower libido party having sex more frequently. Libidos go up and down and almost every long-term relationship deals with that- the distinction is to what degree and then how they deal with it (people can masturbate). Purposefully entering a relationship with a significant libido mismatch and planning on "giving" sex long-term without desire is the highway to sexual aversion and imo fundamentally unhealthy.
I disagree with the restaurant and other analogies used here and in other comments. Analogies work when the underlying logic of both situations matches and I'd argue that isn't the case here.
Absolutely there's a difference between responsive desire and duty sex- and plenty of comments here validating that for OP to read. "I've never regretted saying Yes to sex with my husband" is one of the comments here. THEN there are comments on sexual aversion that developed. OP describes her feelings as "fine" towards the sex she agrees to- not that she ends up enjoying it, but "fine". It's neutral. Duty sex is often considered neutral. I don't want sex if it's neutral- that's my personal opinion and it's up to OP to decide what she wants her relationship with sex to be. If OP chimes in and says "I do enjoy the sex we end up having!" then it looks more like responsive desire. My comment addresses exactly what she's written so far- that her reasons for saying yes are wanting to address the libido mismatch and him not to "feel bad". That's different to "I'm never in the mood upfront but end up enjoying it".
It's an interesting discussion. I knew the most popular comments would say this is normal. I wanted to present my opposing view for OP to consider.
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u/ikediggety 22d ago
both parties can compromise
Agreed, find a way to make it work with your soulmate.
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
To me, duty sex is when you don't want to at the start, you don't enjoy it while it's going on, and you're happy when it's over. This is where resentment comes from.
Duty sex isn't how it starts. It develops over time. That is why the poster needs to be careful.
Edit:
Do you throw a whole marriage away over libido mismatch, or do you find a way to make it work because you love your soulmate?
You communicate. You talk.
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u/ikediggety 22d ago
Exactly. You communicate, you both compromise, and you find a way to make it work with your soulmate
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u/Prosthemadera 22d ago
Do you want to view sex as something "fine" you do in order to maintain a relationship? Plenty of people are happy with viewing sex that way, as "needs" to be fulfilled, and sex as something they "give" to another person. Personally I'm not, and I'm not compatible with people who view sex that way- so I ensure my relationships are without significant libido mismatches.
I agree with you generally but I don't think it's necessarily about libido mismatch but a mismatch about how people feel about sex and its purpose. And gender relationships, as you already mentioned.
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u/thisisjustforfun18 22d ago
I was in a relationship with a previous partner where I was in your BF's position. I have a high sex drive, she could go month without sex and be fine. She'd have sex with me even if she didn't want to because she knew I wanted it, but that just meant that she was having sex FOR me and not WITH me. Sex felt cold and calculated like a shore she had to check off a to-do list with no intimate connection that it ended up not being enjoyable at all and was heavily affecting my mental health. Ultimately, this caused issues that were never dealt with and we broke up.
I think it's fine to compromise here and there to satisfy your partner. But if it's constant instead of an exception, I think it's time to accept there's a fundamental incompatibility issue at hand.
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 22d ago
The people suggesting this is okay have never dealt with sexual aversion.
It's not generally a good idea to participate in sex you don't want because it makes the likihood of developing an aversion to sex completely, likely.
Try to find ways to engage in physical touch that's non sexual and explore your own sexuality solo and engage in sex that you enjoy only. Say no to sex that you don't enthusiastically consent to.
If it ends up that you're incompatible, don't try to force the relationship.
Signed, someone who was the high libido person in a dead bedroom for years but has been the lower libido person since then in other relationships. Both sides of the coin suck, but nothing good comes from one person having sex they don't want.
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u/kasuchans 22d ago
I think there is a nuance here, because “don’t want” can mean either a neutral lack of want, or a want to avoid, and those aren’t the same thing.
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 22d ago
Someone else said it, but it depends a lot on how she feels during and after the sex. Some people have reactive desire and can enjoy the sex once it begins.
But if her body is just a vessel for him to orgasm and if she still isn't enjoying the sex after it ends and it's just a means to satisfy him and give him sex, it will ultimately be detrimental to both of them.
Sexual aversion has a compounding effect. I did it for years and it won't seem so bad at first but your body will begin to tense up and create pain and then the pain worsens to the point where you can't remember it feeling good.
If you continue with sex you don't want, even non sexual touch begins to feel like expectations of sex and it starts to feel bad too.
If she has responsive desire and she enjoys sex once it begins, that's one thing. If she is mostly enjoying the sex and having a one off quickie once a month or so, that's another. But if most of the sex she's having is maintenance or duty sex and she doesn't actually enjoy it, the body will remember.
I wouldn't wish a dead bedroom on anyone, but the inverse of having sex you don't want to have only makes things worse in the long run.
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u/g1ng3rsnap 22d ago
Whatever works for your relationship is okay. For me, I don’t have sex if I’m not into it. If I’m not into it, my husband’s not into it.
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u/OkCryptographer1922 22d ago
Yes it’s fine, as long as he’s not pressuring you. I’ve been there before where I could take it or leave it, I’m fine with having sex, I’m not gonna go out of my way to initiate, but if he wants to then I’m down to go along with it and I always end up enjoying it once we get started!
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u/savethaplanet 22d ago
Hii! Just here to validate you and say I feel 100% the same way with my partner. My sex drive just isn’t that high and it never has been.
I enjoy it bc I know he enjoys it! But sometimes, I’m totally ok just saying no!
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u/igotsmeakabob11 22d ago
My wife does the same- she'll read some smut to get in the mood. Would it be nice if we had the same libido level? Of course... not every aspect of a relationship is going to be perfect.
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u/minja134 22d ago
You are getting a little bit at the ideas of spontaneous vs reactive desire. Some people are just turned on by very little to no external stimulus, but those with reactive desire sexual desire comes after the initial sexual touch. It's a very common thing for women to need a spark to feel turned on, that's what's most likely happening for you. You want it after it's started in a way. Nothing wrong with that. Perhaps your partner can use that to find ways to help you feel more turned on when he initiates too!
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u/mojo4394 22d ago
There's definitely "maintenance sex" at times in long term relationships. One partner isn't feeling sexual but the couple doesn't want to lose that connection. My wife and I are married 23 years, we certainly have had maintenance sex at times
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u/Maximum-Distance-279 22d ago
I totally get it. I love it when my husband goes off. I experience two types of pleasure. Pleasure for myself and watching and feeling his reactions when he experiences pleasure. So having sex even when I'm not particularly horny still feels really nice.
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u/PerseveranceSmith 22d ago
Yeah, no.
Doing something so physically intimate just to please your partner will impact you psychologically & physically in the long term. It's not the same as going to an event or whatever to please your partner, it's literally being penetrated when you'd rather not.
Your partner should WANT you to enthusiastically want to have sex. I would never, ever expect someone to have sex with me when they don't want to & I'd be horrified to find out they were doing it just to please me.
Have they put any effort in to actually get you in the mood. Are they pulling their weight around the house? Do they affectionately have intimacy likes kisses, massages, teasing etc to GET you in the mood. Do they make effort in the relationship to make you feel loved, wanted & desired for YOU not just your body parts. Do they KNOW your turn ons, fantasies & HOW to get you to want sex?
Doing something you dont want to over extended periods of time will cause resentment to build, even if only subconsciously. It can affect your body with things like vaginismus, trouble getting wet & not being able to orgasm.
You do not owe any human sex. You have the right to enjoy your own sex life.
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u/AnxiousEnd4669 22d ago
YES. i can't believe these comments here, so many people saying it's ok to have sex if you don't want that, to do duty sex basically . it is NOT ok!
i did that. so many years. it affected me mentally very much, it build resentment, i hated myself and had major trauma. i talked myself into it, like OP i said it's for him, i loved him and wanted to make him happy, nothing wrong in this, isn't it?
well no, i loved him but i didn't love myself.. and it destroyed me
looking back i feel that i let myself be raped
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u/kasuchans 22d ago
Not everyone feels that being penetrated is a particularly invasive experience. For me, times I’ve had sex when not particularly into it has been entirely neutral for me, and I’ve never regretted it.
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u/Desperate_Mirror5617 22d ago
I am woman. Hell nah!
I worry about becoming resentful. So if I am not feeling it, it's a no. However, we are pretty sync'ed so it's not an issue. I think the times I said no have been when I am sick.
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u/Shantomette 22d ago
But OP didn’t say she wasn’t feeling it. She said she was ok with it but wasn’t looking for it.
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u/SailorMerp 22d ago
Some sex therapists are now encouraging people to have sex extremely regularly to naturally boost their sex drive. We’re talking every day for a month or two, and it’s working! If you’re not being pressured, manipulated or guilted then you’re probably not going to build any resentment and you might actually increase your sex drive!
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u/GarethH-1986 22d ago
It's entirely individual, honestly. For some people they are absolutely adamant that "if I don't want sex, we're not having sex" and there is certainly merit to that opinion - repeatedly doing something you dislike like this CAN (not absolutely WILL, but it's definitely a possibility) lead to a serious aversion and resentment, which is of course toxic to a relationships.
That said, there are also plenty of people who are fine consenting to sex they aren't necessarily ABSOLUTELY wanting if they are just "not absolutely against" the idea - many people call this the idea of "I'm open to seeing if I can be turned on". This kind of approach is common among people with responsive desire - ie they get turned on by ACTUAL sexual activity, not just the idea of it, so they usually only experience arousal once sexual activity starts, and as such regularly their partner initiates with them when they themselves are not in the mood.
THAT ALSO SAID...you should speak to your partner about this because, speaking as a man (you specifically mention that your partner is a man so I am taking that as the case) I VERY much value the sex life my wife and I have. It is not just about physical pleasure, but feeling desired, wanted, craved, and experiencing a level of intimacy that I can ONLY experience with her so...if I ever knew that any of our times together were just to "satisfy my needs" while she could take it or leave it...it would hurt.
So as long as YOU are OK with being fine having sex and not building aversion and resentment, and as long as he is aware of this and is OK with it then...have at it. Just make sure there is no misunderstanding between either of you about this.
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22d ago
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u/sex-ModTeam 21d ago
All contributions here need to be constructive, thoughtful, on-topic, mature, sex-positive, civil, and respectful.
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u/Character_Language95 22d ago
Important qualifier: do you end up getting into it once things heat up or are you neutral on it throughout? I don’t think every time has to be super intense but I still think it’s important to have a positive experience. If it’s a starfish situation, I could imagine it making a guy feel kind of bummed out, especially over time.
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u/supple 22d ago
This sounds normal enough. The only caveat (for me anyway) is do you make him feel desired or does it come off like "duty sex". Personally, I have a hard time getting into it if I know my wife isn't into it, even if she's doing it for the same reason you mentioned, because she loves me and wants me to be fulfilled. So if you can put a little acting desire or "lust" into it to make him feel like you feel it, he may like that. Or he may be ok with knowing you're doing it for him, I don't know, just mentioning what I would prefer in this case.
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u/SystemOfAFoopa 22d ago
I see nothing wrong with it as long as you’re okay with doing that. Every person is different, sometimes I’m not in the mood but I usually very quickly get in the mood! Everyone’s different though!
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u/notwhoiwas44 22d ago
As long as you are truly in take it or leave it mode as in you are neutral about the idea, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this. If there's any feeling of actively not wanting to do it at any given time, going ahead with it is probably not great though.
If the majority of the times that you say yes and go ahead when you're not particularly specifically feeling in the mood you get turned on after things get going, you likely have what's called responsive or reactive desire. I'd encourage you to look those terms up to learn a bit more about them.
I'd also suggest that you carefully pay attention to how you are feeling mentally/emotionally about sex in general. If you find yourself starting to feel actively negative about it or start resenting that your husband wants it more than you,that's a good sign that you are maybe engaging when you really want to not.
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u/Tx_Saint 22d ago
This works well for my wife and I. Due to medication her libido dropped to almost non existant. If we waited till she was in the mood we'd have sex only a few times a year. She still says "not today" sometimes. But this arrangement really helps with mismatched libidos.
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u/kate180311 22d ago
I think it’s fine as long you still feel like you can say no when you need/want to, so you don’t build up resentment.
I don’t always actively want sex, but if my husband initiates I go along with it 99% of the time in those scenarios and end up having a good time, and have never regretted it.
That being said, it works because if I’m sick/exhausted/etc I can say no and I know my husband will 100% accept that. I think he can read me pretty well though and either doesn’t initiate, or asks if I’m up for it in those cases if he isn’t sure. He’s the best!
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u/BegsTheQuestions 22d ago
Do you not enjoy sex even during it? If you don’t then I would say no to sex.
Like I get it if sometimes people are not in the mood to think about sex, to initiate sex etc but during the act if you enjoy it and you have no other reason to say no other than not in the mood then I would give my partner sex
Especially for girls cuz usually sex still works fairly ok when girls put in minimal effort but the other way around would be a bit more difficult
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u/No_Light_5020 22d ago
U dont just have to have sex just when your horny and not everyone is horny at the same time but if your willing then jump on it coz u never know it could end up being the best time ever
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22d ago
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u/Reasonable_Life991 22d ago
How is wanting to satisfy my partner whom I love very much despite not having a high sex drive hell?
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u/sex-ModTeam 21d ago
All contributions here need to be constructive, thoughtful, on-topic, mature, sex-positive, civil, and respectful.
Your post/comment falls short of one or more of those basic standards and has been removed accordingly.
Repeat offenders or egregious violations of this rule are subject to being banned from the sub.
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u/Seoul-Brotha 22d ago
At some point, he's going to want to be desired, clawed at, and thirsted for. Being "available" won't be good enough.
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u/Awkward_Narwhal6321 22d ago
Anything you are comfortable with is okay. If pleasing him makes you happy even though you don’t really want sex, that is fine. But be careful not to “give in” when your body really isn’t feeling it. It can lead to negative associations with closeness to a partner, where your body starts to flinch or tense when they brush up against you or hold you.
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u/MakionGarvinus 22d ago
You sound a lot like my wife. She'd probably be ok with sex a couple times a month, I'm more like every day. So we compromise, every 2-3 days, depending. Sometimes she's still not in the mood, so it's longer.
I think communication is key - expressing desire, and when you want a break. As long as both parties can accept the other's want, and are happy, it's fine.
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u/bratbetchxo 22d ago
just because something is common doesn't mean it's normal or okay. you'll enjoy sex more if you focus on doing it when you want to
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u/West-Detective5773 22d ago
I would imagine most people have had at least a time or two where you're not really in the mood, but your partner is, so you take care of them and give them what they need.
I remember many moons ago, having a FWB that had a migraine. So when I sent out the bat signal to come over one time, she mentioned it but downplayed it and insisted I come through. Long story short, we did our thing, but she clearly wasnt into it. Made for a weird experience. And she was the one that was insisting we have sex. I was fine with a raincheck.
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u/oklatx 22d ago
Yes, there should be more low libido partners like you. I'm not raring to go every time my my wife initiates, but I never turn her down. I've been on the other wide of the fence and simply won't do that to her. Her pleasure is worth it.
I enjoy giving my wife pleasure, doing things (sexual and otherwise) for or with her. She does the same for me as well. It's how a long term relationship works (married 22 years).
Respectig each other's desires and in this case, libido is very important. We don't take advantage of each other. I have the higher libido but don't run over her. She's willing giving herself to me, knowing its good for the relationship as whole. I do the same for her.
If your partner were to back off, my advice to you is to say "Don't deny me the opportunity to do something nice for you."
Sex may not be what you desire, but that certainly doesn't mean that you don't enjoy it for the joy it brings your partner. Assuming he does the same for you, this is a good foundation for long term success.
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u/Plank_stake_109 22d ago edited 22d ago
My wife does. She says it's no big deal and just a moment of her day to make me happy. We've been together 14 years like this and going strong.
Only do it if you can do it without negative feelings and resentment, and don't do it if you find yourself expecting some sort of reciprocity, like making it transactional. You know when you give someone a gift and they love it? How it makes you feel good for having given it and made them happy? That's how it's supposed to feel.
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22d ago
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u/6352956104 22d ago
And you're advocating OP do that?
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22d ago
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u/6352956104 22d ago edited 22d ago
Why would you want another woman to view sex as something "to get over with" and do to prevent their partner from "sulking"? Sex in exchange for keeping the peace? As an older woman this is your genuine advice, to have her suffer because you chose to suffer? This is what "women" do?
Try wanting better for the next generation. Offering this as "advice" is depressing and concerning.
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u/darkstar3333 22d ago
Look at it less of something you give and more of something you mutually experience - like a good meal you don't need to be in the mood to have it and enjoy it.
So try to find a way to transition where you are currently towards that direction, jumping right into the bed is hard if you have other thigns on your mind.
Intimacy starts in many different ways, often just starting to talk about your day goes a long way to getting you ready and open to it.
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u/King-Mugs 22d ago
I have this dynamic with my fiance. I’d say about half of the time I initiate when she isn’t feeling it, she gets in the mood and it’s our “regular” ideal sex. Both orgasm, multiple positions/rounds etc. The other 50% of the time it’s one round, she may or may not orgasm, but she’s okay with that. She has a lower drive and same as you, describes it as “take it or leave it”. She also jokes that there are some days where all she has to offer is being the worlds largest fleshlight.
As with literally ever question on this thread, if you two communicate how you feel, you’ll both be fine
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u/Agreeable-Pirate-705 22d ago
This is the give and take of making a relationship work long term. I’m sure there are things your partner does fairly regularly for you that he doesn’t necessarily crave to do at the moment, but he doesn’t feel forced to do them either. A mismatch of sex drive isn’t necessarily an automatic dealbreaker if you’re with the right person and you both have clear communications. I hope you find the reassurance or other affirmation you’re looking for here in these comments. You’re alright in my book.
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u/DarthMaulATAT 22d ago edited 21d ago
If you feel fine with it, then that's great. You've actually discovered one of the biggest ways to keep intimacy alive in a relationship.
These days, it is heavily emphasized that every person has a right to their own body and doesn't owe anyone sex. Which is certainly true. But relationships are not built and maintained by doing caring/intimate things only when you feel like it.
I see countless posts about broken relationships, and many of them revolve around a dead bedroom. I do think people with severely mismatched libidos should probably just find new partners, but for people with reasonably similar libidos, the relationship can still be work, just with a little more effort.
If my partner wanted sex, or to go out for dinner, or to go shopping etc, and I wasn't super in the mood, I would still do it. Because it makes them happy. And seeing them happy makes me happy.
These little daily choices we make to show our partners we love, want, and appreciate them are what keep relationships alive and healthy. Sex is just another one of those things.
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Post title:
Giving your partner sex even though you don’t particularly want to have sex
I hope this title doesn’t give off the wrong idea- just to clear a few things up, my partner(m) does not pressure me(f) in any sort of way to engage in sexual activities ever.
My question is, is it normal to have sex with your partner to satisfy their needs even if you’re not particularly in the mood? Now if I straight up don’t want to have sex I won’t but my sex drive isn’t nearly as high as his and sometimes I could take it or leave it. Is this normal/healthy or could this negatively impact our sex life? He doesn’t make me feel bad about it and is a great partner in every aspect of our relationship but I know he would like to have more sex. I don’t know how else to describe it besides me being fine with having sex. Like I’m not super horny and I’m not even worried about reaching orgasm I’m just okay with having sex to satisfy his needs. Is this okay? I don’t want him to feel bad like I don’t find him attractive or don’t want to have sex with him ever or like I just want to “get it over with” but my sex drive is just really not high at all and I want him to be sexually fulfilled in our relationship.
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