r/sex • u/hollyofhori • 27d ago
I can't find a flair that fits UPDATE TO: Genuine advice to accept that sex (especially oral) will never happen again for me? Unsure how to move forward.
30F. My previous post I talked about being newly disabled and how to move forward with never being intimate again with my partner.
I got a lot of great advice. I took some time to talk to him about understanding where we stood intimacy wise and what we could do together to try and maintain some sort of intimate contact.
He bought an AI pocket pussy that cost $60 and comes with a “girlfriend”.
My heart sunk. I got a weird feeling in my chest and tried to make light of it, but that was the nail in the coffin.
He tried to say it was because he didn’t want to hurt me, there is no position I can be in that’s comfortable for him, he can’t put pressure on me for fear of touching my colostomy bag, etc.
He gave up. Just like I knew he would.
So what now? Any advice on coping moving forward knowing my sex life is over for a pocket pussy?
I knew it would happen deep down. I knew the moment I woke up from surgery and saw my body.
I knew and it still hurts so much.
Thank you everyone for the wonderful words of advice. I appreciate you all.
Any further advice on what I can do going forward would be appreciated as far as sex (or rather not having it).
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u/nervousengrish 27d ago
Please go see a therapist. Reddit can’t help you here.
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u/Hefty-Court-388 27d ago
I think the problem isnt the disability its the lack of effort from him. like there are a million ways to be intimate that dont involve "positions" or bags... he just gave up. that’s the part that actually hurts. hang in there op
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u/monster-baiter 27d ago
yes thats what a therapist can help with: finding the self worth to leave a relationship in which your partner doesnt even care enough to try anything. its also indicative of the overall relationship that OP knew beforehand that this is how he would react
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u/owlinspector 27d ago
This! This is not a disability issue or even a mental issue, it's an issue of a partner acting like a complete unsupportive asshat. If this is the amount of effort he puts in... How is he in other aspects? Therapy in this case should probably deal with OPs low self-esteem and help her to find the strength to leave this relationship.
For similar posts I usually ask "why are you with this person who seems to hate you"?
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u/Disastrous-Owl8985 26d ago
This. I was reading and understood the pocket pussy, but an AI one? Maybe it’s just a sore spot for me because of my ex abs his can girl thing, but why pretty much replace OP when you could help her be part of your experience and whatever OP can do for pleasure, he be part of her experience.
OP, I hope you find a good therapist and truly get what you deserve. It’s not someone who would just give up and find something where he pretty much removes you from the experience. Plus, where is his care for you here? I could never do it.
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u/Sensitive-Contest-87 27d ago
But why exactly is ostomy an issue? Arguably, doesn't it make genital area even cleaner as waste doesn't go near it?
Also looking at your post history: I know that you love him - but you must understand that if he doesn't love you back, you can't force him.
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
I have said that to him so many times it would make everyone here laugh at me.
I have told him, sometimes daily in the past, he doesn’t have to be with me. He doesn’t have to date me. He doesn’t have to stay with me for the kid. I’ve told him I am not going to be spiteful, vindictive, or petty. I have 0 interest or inclination to act like that. I’ve told him I care about him genuinely as a human being and want him to be happy even if it isn’t with me. I would still be his friend and the best mother I can possibly be to our kid.
I have told him so many times.
Especially now.
I told him he doesn’t have to stay with me now that I’m disabled. He doesn’t have to support me or pay for my medical bills. He doesn’t owe me anything. I’ve made that clear as crystal from day 1.
He insists he loves me, he insists he wants me, that I’m the love of his life. He wants me to stay, he wants me nearby and to be with him. He wants me and our kid and our little family together.
But doesn’t act like he wants me outside of making jokes about wanting me. Always jokes.
I genuinely can’t tell if he’s just fucking with me now. I have given him so many outs, and he insists he doesn’t want them.
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u/oursonelvis 27d ago
It sounds like you've communicated that he can have as much or as little as he likes out of this relationship. He can leave. He owes you nothing.
What about communicating what you do and don't want? Do you want more effort from him? Do you need some sort of commitment that he will do what it takes to build a fulfilling future with you? Are you clear on what you won't settle for in the long run?
Partners always owe each other something. Like respect, communication, and commitment.
I don't mean this to sound harsh. But if there are issues in your relationship that are upsetting you it's on you to communicate what you need from your partner and decide what you are willing to abide. Your medical circumstances don't change that. (But I understand it is making it difficult and honestly it seems like you are devaluing yourself and I don't want that for you sis.)
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u/naughtyobama 27d ago
You need therapy. He does too. Everyone is dealing with this in their own way and need some help. Individual fir each if you as well as couple.
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u/straffe-hendrick 4d ago
True, they are specialised in seeing both as a case and the couple as a whole. But with our advice she can put our/hers input in the therapy and confront her partner with spesivic issues to handle during therapy.
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u/RedwoodRespite 27d ago
His words say one thing but his actions clearly say another. You won’t leave him, you want him to be the one to walk away.
Why? Because you feel like he’s a catch? He’s not. The way he treats you is not even close to being a catch. But your self esteem is so low, you think this is the best you can get.
And he knows you won’t leave. So he will never have to treat you better.
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u/asdf_clash 27d ago
The problem here is that you don't realize you can leave him, too. You have horribly low self esteem and you are convinced you deserve this, but NO ONE deserves this. He is a bad partner who does not care for you. Other partners would, and shit, being alone is better than this.
If you find the courage and conviction to leave him, I guarantee that within 3 years you will look back and think this was the best decision of your life.
This is scary and will make your life harder in the short term. It will change your life immeasurably for the better in the long term. The question is simply if you have the courage to rise to the challenge, or if you, just like him, have given up.
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u/eurydicey 27d ago
I’m sorry for being so direct given that I do not know you - I just know what you’ve put in your posts - but you need to wake the fuck up and realize how sad and self-hating all of this sounds.
You are saying that you repeatedly have told your partner he doesn’t have to be with you? Your partner who, according to what you’ve said in these posts, doesn’t fuck you, has never made you cum, and constantly makes you feel like shit? (And that was before the disability!) You have this entirely backwards: you don’t have to be with HIM.
Any self respecting adult in a serious relationship with someone they consider to be a life partner would be bending over backwards to remedy the situation if their partner expressed one of the 75 problems you have listed in your post. Your BF has not only not done that, but he’s doubled and tripled down because he knows you’ll take it and never break up with him. And you keep proving him right.
I could be totally off base here, as I don’t know you, I just know what you’ve written, but it sounds like you have way too little self respect to understand how terribly you’ve been treated and how long you have spent begging for crumbs. I fear that will never change. We accept the love we think we deserve.
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u/designatedthrowawayy 27d ago
But if he makes you feel so shitty, why do you want him?
Why are you leaving the trajectory or your life and your happiness up to him?
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u/Katreenut72 27d ago
Okay so I said this a lot to my husband in the beginning. We got married and I essentially became disabled right after that. We didn't even make it a full month. He said it hurt him when I was making those comments because I was implying that he was already going to give up his vows to me over a disability.
Also, you've only been disabled for a month? It takes time to figure out sexual Dynamics once they change. It's been 3 years in. My husband and I are still trying to find ways to be intimate. How we want without either of us being in pain We use a couple's therapist that specializes in sexual dysfunction to help with that. With that said, he's got to be engaged. I asked my husband to go to couples counseling immediately after becoming disabled and he said yes. It did take a lot more time to get him to do all of the work, but he also didn't really know what therapy was like cuz he'd never gone before.
All this to say this is a really complicated time for both of you. He's not going to be his best self, but it sounds like he's never his best self with you which isn't fair to you.
This isn't a thing you have to over come. It's something the two of you would have to do together. He gave up after a month. I would make it clear that if He doesn't want to engage in finding new ways to be intimate you will leave. Or open the relationship and let you fuck someone else.
Either way, definitely getting a therapy, not just because of a relationship with him, but because your relationship with yourself is going to change over the rest of your life. I found myself a therapist that specialized in chronic conditions and she has helped me overcome a lot of barriers.
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u/oneshibbyguy 27d ago
stop giving him 'outs' and just get out and find someone who will love you for you. There are billions of people in this world.
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u/iambetweentwoworlds 26d ago
Babe, this is depressing. Every conversation is coming with you on your back foot. You don’t need to beg someone to love you, you are forgetting you can leave him too. I can’t imagine what this has done to you, and I won’t pretend to act like I do. Sure, your situation will make some things harder but there are people out there who can and will love you. Why do you think so little of yourself that everything is about him and his feelings and not about what you need to thrive and not allowing people in your life that aren’t doing that? You need individual therapy to find out why you put up with this. You have a lot ahead of you and deserve a partner.
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u/Various-List 26d ago
If you can’t tell if a guy is just fucking with you, then you WILL find more happiness alone. Please believe me. That doesn’t mean you will be alone forever and maybe you will or won’t be. But men who behave this way are lazy. Start letting any man in your life know: “SORRY, I’m not attracted to lazy/passive men.” (He is being passive by communicating to you in this manner- with an AI sex toy. What a selfish and childish man-baby) sweetie you have so much more ahead of you, this is a low point in your life that you will look back on some day and see how much you achieved and wonder why you tolerated this pathetic POS. We’ve ALL been there!
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u/eiiiaaaa 27d ago
But of the 'outs' you've given him, none of them will make him feel good about himself or make him look good to other people. Whichever way you spin it, if he takes those outs he will be leaving you for becoming disabled. Instead he's chosen his own out. One where he doesn't have to do anything to alter the state of things. One where the onus is on you to make that change. One where his needs are taken care of so he doesn't have to think about yours. He's just ignoring you. It's horrible.
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u/Comprehensive-Win-62 27d ago
Maybe he is staying with you for what other things you provide for him. Like parenting the kid, making his life easier, etc. This whole thing is selfish on his part- even if we give him the benefit of the doubt and say he’s just freaked out about it, he’s choosing to attend to his feelings, opting out of sex with you so he doesn’t feel challenged to get over his anxiety. I genuinely don’t think I could get past this, if I were you.
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u/Potatocontemplates 26d ago
Truth is, OP, and i'm saying this in the kindest possible way i can, but both you and your partner have the same vice, which is the reason your unfruitful relationship has lasted this long at all. You both are desperately clawing for familiarity. He doesn't love you, a man who loves his partner doesn't buy pocket pussy to replace her after a life-changing surgery. But he is used to you, you are familiar to him, as familiar as a breakfast coffee mug, and you're used to him too. He's familiar to you and you're sacrificing yourself and your happiness just to cling to this familiarity. Your issue isn't a colostomy bag or feeling undesirable, your issue is you prefer the familiarity of hell to the unknown of heaven. You could absolutely be loved with someone else, but that requires you to let go of your familiar discomfort and step into the unknown.
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u/Melodic_External_571 26d ago
So to clarify, are you willing and able to to be sexually intimate but he is refusing because of your disability? Or is it uncomfortable for you as well?
From what I've read in your post and comments so far it kinda seems like he's checked out and is not even trying. BUT to play devil's advocate, maybe you both just need time to adjust to this new reality before putting sex back on the table?
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u/honestlyidk 26d ago
Girl stand UP!!! They took your colon not your spine. You act like he is the only one who can leave. You can leave too. That man does not make you feel wanted or loved and now you aren’t going to get head for the rest of your life. What is the point in staying?
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u/straffe-hendrick 4d ago
Maybe he has troubles adjusting to the new situation and struggles with controversive feelings. He doesnt want to hurt you physically and bought his own toys maybe It can be old-fashioned behavior too. You have a kid together and he doesnt want to break up the family for the kid sake (not many think about it or care but divorces are harsh for kids) maybe Or maybe he has other reasons for his behavior. It takes two to tango but its working together to also do it (i mean from his side)
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u/Acceptable_Grape_437 27d ago
dear OP
accepting and adapting to new, unexpected life situations is always hard and done in unexpected ways. you two are both going through that, he is also suffering, even though you might be suffering more (idrk shit about you both).
simply put, he is adapting to an unexpected wild situation, he doesn't know how, exactly as you don't know how. what he's saying is he doesn't feel like leaving you right now. it may as well mean he will feel like leaving you in some time, but there's no way to tell right now. you forcing it on him is only aggravating things. if i'm (even) able to empathize with the situation he's in, he's not staying with you because he's scared of repercussions on your side, but because he feels like it. there's literally no good in you trying to chip at that because you're (understandably!) destroyed by the train wreck that has hit your life.
BUT he's trying to come to terms with it, his way, his limited, maybe incapable way. and he's totally susceptible to be incapable in times like these, exactly as you are too. this may mean whatever, BUT it's WAY early to know, to understand, to come to conclusions on what means what.
the only thing that can be useful here is therapy. individual therapy why not, but especially couple therapy, imo.
and taking it slow. the amount of pain in your life won't be diminished at the bat of an eye because you want it. it takes long, steady, strenuous work. which i wish tou both to be able to put in.
coming to terms with stuff together in the long term may also mean you'll both come to terms with leaving each other. who knows?
in the meantime keep it up, stay strong. nothing else will save you. it's totally understandable and reasonable you're feeling like this rn, given the harsh situation you're going through - but please, seek help!
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u/caturday_saturday 26d ago
I really don't see why it would be an issue either. Maybe some positions but I don't think it would affect that many? I don't see why an ostomy would be a dealbreaker.
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u/6352956104 27d ago
You might be in a mental health crisis given your comments here OP. It's been clear for a long time that this relationship is unhealthy but you won't let go of it. The same advice from Reddit won't help.
Please seek therapy and immediate help if you are feeling suicidal- crisis lines in your area.
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u/SexyAIman 27d ago
Straight to the point and I'm sorry: I've seen a few relationships where the woman waits for the man to go in these circumstances. But all you have to do is go yourself.
Having him go will make you feel less bad, but staying in an unloving relationship is more bad than going yourself.
I wish you all the best
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u/no-one-special-here 27d ago
From your other comments, you desperately need friends! You need a social network outside of your bf. You're so isolated and lonely right now, this is likely why your self esteem is so low and why you accept getting neglected by your bf (I'm not just talking about sex) and still won't consider breaking up and finding someone new. You've grown so dependent on the wrong guy, it seems like you've dug yourself into a hole way too deep to get out again. Trust me, while it's difficult and will take a long time, with the help of therapy (for you) and new friends, it's possible. You may not be able to imagine yourself having sex or a relationship with anyone else, but that may or may not change in the future. You have much bigger priorities now.
As to your bf, you can't just get rid of him because you're dependent and you have kids together, but you offered him many times to break up as a couple and remain best friends, which he rejected. What do you think would happen if you told him that you're breaking up and want to become best friends instead? In your case that wouldn't even change anything except that you'd both be free to date someone else in theory. Do you think he'd be fine with that or that he would start trying to make you happy for once when he realizes he can't take you for granted anymore, or are you afraid he would get vengeful or violent?
Also, are you physically and financially independent? From what I read, your disability seems only cosmetic in nature. I for example am tied to my bed pretty much 24/7 and can barely use the bathroom. Unless I heal at some point, my life is over, yours is not!
Btw, you should check out the YouTuber Hannah Witton. Her channel is full of sex ed videos and she also has a stoma bag and made several videos about it. It never stopped her from having sex.
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u/DeuceSevin 27d ago
I fairly recently had surgery that changed by body and my life. Therapy isn't an option, it's a necessity. Please go.
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u/ZombiesAte 27d ago
I suspect you'll get much the same advice as a week ago.
An Ostomy isn't the end of sex or oral give your body and your relationship time
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u/meowcatpanda 27d ago
You don't have to stay with him... I read your previous post and some of your comments genuinely made me so incredibly sad for you! Your partner doesn't want you and this has nothing to do with your colostomy and I think you know this.... I know for a fact sex *is* possible with a colostomy, a friend of mine had one and even got pregnant while she still had hers. If you want this and your partner is actually open to being intimate with you again, which he honestly didn't sound like he was to begin with if I'm honest, talk to your healthcare provider, I can promise you it won't be the first time they've heard this question or had this conversation!
My honest advise would be to talk to a therapist and work on how you view yourself though, outside of sex as well. You deserve so much better than to be treated this way! I'm also disabled and so is my partner (not with a colostomy, but both of us live with chronic pain and spine damage), but there's no way either of us would ever make the other feel like less because of it and I very much get the vibes that your partner DOES make you feel like less. You deserve better than that. Are you truly happy with this man? Cause from reading your last post and the comments therein, I don't get the feeling that you are. Getting used to a (new) disability is hard enough when you have someone who fully supports you, it's near impossible with someone who makes you feel like "less than" because of it. I wish you the best, you deserve it 💚
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u/Zestyclose_Ad8420 27d ago
There's an adjusting phase to everything. You should both go to a therapist. Life is hard, relationships are hard.
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u/AniCatGirl 27d ago
Giiiiirl. I say this with the utmost care and support. Dig down and find your self respect and leave this man. He already wasn't great before your surgery. And now he is refusing any intimacy, isn't remotely inclined to think about working on it, and has solved the "problem" for himself, so he has no need to worry further, in his mind. Nowhere in this situation has he shown any actual regard for you.
You've said that he can leave any time, he doesn't have to stay with you, etcetc. But what about you?!?! There is someone out there who is better than this.
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27d ago
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
He’s the only one I want a sex life with. The thought of another man touching me makes me want to scrub my skin off.
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27d ago
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
Never married. He’s never proposed. He’s brought it up jokingly in the past like “Oh I guess we better get married.” But it always made me sad so I always said no. Everyone asks now, at 7 years in. Including him. Including the nurses and financial aid at the hospital. Including family we don’t see.
I don’t think it will change anything other than tax benefits, so I didn’t see the point. I realize a lot of people get married for the benefits of it, but I don’t want that.
I also know we could never have a wedding. I have 0 friends. I don’t know anyone I could invite and the cost could go toward better things like school fund or house improvements. I’m always trying to be practical and prove myself as logical and aware. I’m “low maintenance” I guess. Which is just code for I don’t ask for anything outside of necessity. I thought being that way would make me more loved. I guess it doesn’t matter.
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u/rafters- 27d ago
Building your whole personality around not being an inconvenience doesn’t make people love you, it just makes them feel comfortable taking advantage. Now that it’s no longer convenient to have sex with you, your boyfriend is more comfortable showing you how little your pleasure matters to him. And he will keep doing it because he knows you will accept it.
You need to find your spine and self esteem and get rid of this guy. You keep talking about how scary and sad the idea of breaking up is, but are you not scared and sad now in this relationship with how he treats you? You can’t process and move on from those feelings if you stay and keep trying to squash yourself down for his convenience.
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u/designatedthrowawayy 27d ago
Stop assuming your sex life is over just because the man you're supposedly dating doesn't care about you enough to even try.
When people say "that was the nail in the coffin" they mean the coffin of the relationship, not my partner has once again disrespected me and made me feel bad but I'm going to stay with them anyway.
You gotta get a grip. What you're doing now is the sole reason you will never have sex again. Not a colostomy bag. Not how attractive you are. Not anything about you other than the fact that you allow yourself to be treated the way this guy is treating you and you treat yourself that way to. The only problem with you is that you won't stand up for yourself.
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u/philasify 27d ago
Girl, respect yourself enough to come to the realization that he sucks as a person. Maybe early in your relationship he was better, but that's gone downhill. He doesn't want to change, he doesn't want to sacrifice anything, and he doesn't care to try to fulfill you as a partner.
Being terrified of life without him and "never wanting another man" sounds terribly co-dependent. I get that you have a family and home and such together, but if you want to just live with a terrible love life until you die, that's your codependency winning and making you live out the rest of your life in misery.
Do you really want that? Of course not. But he seems fine with you being miserable and doing nothing but jacking off with a pocket pussy and having an AI girlfriend like a pathetic loser (no offense). That's no man that any woman would be attracted to.
Respect yourself enough to legitimately consider leaving especially since the last resort of counseling you say he'd never do. That means it's either over or you settle and remain miserable.
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u/Where1smyburrito 27d ago
Two things I see wrong here. One is your self-esteem. This hopelessness you carry about never having sex and not being worthy. Girl, you have a colostomy bag, plenty of people have great sex with one. Therapy would definitely help with that. Second, is your choice of partners. Your current partner doesn't seem to be supportive at all.
"there is no position I can be in that’s comfortable for him, he can’t put pressure on me for fear of touching my colostomy bag, etc".... what does this mean? Is he "grossed out"? Because you being on top would be a great position. Doggy would be a great position, too. His " fear of touching the colostomy bag"... the problem is him.
Sex will get much better when you find a supportive, mature partner and once you address your insecurities regarding your colostomy bag in therapy.
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u/sharklee88 27d ago
I'm confused.
You say you physically can't have sex because of your surgery and disability. But then say your sex life is over because of the pocket pussy. Which is the cause?
If he is choosing to not even try working with you on having some form of sex, then yes, he is the asshole. But if you physically can no longer have any form of sex, why would you want to inflict the same on your partner?
If he was cheating, then yeah, dump his ass. But this is just fancy jerking off.
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
I should have specified.
I am 100% capable of having sex. I was cleared by my surgeon. There are no actual physical hurdles outside of him not wanting to touch the ostomy bag or see it or hear it.
It’s a no go on his end, not mine.
When discussed, he just said he doesn’t want to hurt me.
His solution was the pocket pussy. He didn’t tell me about it. I found out about it on my own. He wasn’t going to say anything.
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u/actuallyacatmow 27d ago
So just to clarify, he doesn't like the osotomy bag so he doesn't want to have sex with you?
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
That’s the subtext yes, he claims it’s because he’s protecting me, but every reason circles back to-
He doesn’t want to touch the bag, see the bag, feel the bag, or hear the bag. He can’t lay on top of me because he’ll touch the bag, we can’t do it doggy because he’ll hear it flapping around, we can’t do it standing because he’ll possibly touch it, we can’t do on top because he’ll see it, and we can’t do it with me on my stomach because it could “pop”.
It feels more like an easy out so he doesn’t have to feel bad about finding me repulsive.
A long time ago, he got injured pretty bad and got a hernia. I took care of him. I wiped him when he used the bathroom, I bathed him, I helped him eat, and then would have him lay in bed and suck him off. This was years ago, and I just remembered it.
He’s bought me a shower chair so I can shower on my own, bed rails to get up and down on my own, toilet rail to wipe myself on my own, etc.
I just realized his version of help was making sure he didn’t have to help me like I helped him.
I don’t know how to feel about that.
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u/joycatj 27d ago
Gently, from an outside point of view it seems clear that he is not as into you as you are to him. You sacrificing more and doing more for him won’t change that. It’s not an equal partnership but it’s comfortable for him so he won’t change. It’s not comfortable (or loving, or equal) for you though, and you can make a change. An ostomy should not be the end of a sexlife or a romantic connection.
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u/actuallyacatmow 27d ago
Him telling you that it's 'protecting you' is a cop out excuse. He doesn't like it, thinks it's gross and isn't willing to do any work to overcome mental barriers for you.
Your partner responded to you having a health condition by essentially doing nothing but prioritise his own pleasure.
If he's unwilling to try anything, I'm sorry, but this relationship is over. You deserve better.
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u/princesswench 27d ago
Do not get lost in the sunk cost fallacy. It's been a decade, but you aren't sentenced to stay with him.
He has shown you who he is. He won't change. He refuses to change (especially if he refuses therapy).
Time to part ways.
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u/Somnusin 27d ago
Reading through this whole thread, having arrived here, i have but one question.
Can you really see yourself growing old with this person?
Like i know you guys have an entangled life, but speaking as a kid whose parents stayed together in a miserable sexless marriage….i dont recommend it.
Couples therapy might help, but you have to ask yourself is if you can get past this. I dont think i could. Their character would be forever tainted in my eyes.•
u/meowcatpanda 26d ago
I agree, my parents divorced when I was 19, I had left home when I was 14 and genuinely wish they'd divorced sooner cause it could've saved me a LOT of mental health issues their relationship brought me. On top of my dad being miserable af for the rest of his life, even after their divorce.
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u/meowcatpanda 26d ago
I know how you should feel about that....
My partner does everything for me that you did for yours and there's not even a thought in my mind that I would do the same for him if he'd ever need it from me! Your guy is an absolute self-centered asshole. YOU DESERVE BETTER 💚
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u/unlocklink 26d ago
Just to be clear.
Sex on your stomach is possible.
there are wraps you can get to stop it flapping around in doggy
you can wear a shirt or tank top to cover it so he can't see it if you are on top
he can go on top of you and lie down without popping it
Every single one of his issues has a really simple solution, and there are lots of sexy underwear and ways to hide the bag if that's what works for you guys. If he's not willing to even consider any of those then it's not just the bag. Or it is and he doesn't care enough to try.
I know plenty of folks who always cover their bag with a wrap or a bag cover for sex, personally I never do - neither my partner or I take any notice of it during sex
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u/meowcatpanda 27d ago
Honestly, I read the last post and he already wasn't having sex with OP more than maybe a handful times a year before this... He doesn't think she's attractive... It breaks my heart for OP that she doesn't seem to think she deserves better than this.
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u/volvavirago 27d ago
From her other post, she has a colostomy bag and is recovering from abdominal surgery. Things are painful rn for sure and sex should wait, but many people with colostomies have fulfilling sex lives, but she seems convinced that she will never be desired again bc of her disability, and her bf really isn’t doing anything to combat that narrative and make her feel desired.
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u/noclue-owl 27d ago
I want to hug you but I can’t. But I do believe that you need to seek professional help. You are dealing with too much and although I believe Reddit people sometimes give amazing advice, you can also get some comments that can worsen your stare and that’s not a risk worth taking in my opinion.
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u/Nobilian 27d ago
Sorry for you. Not as much for your medical issue as for having a shitty partner.
I can tell you right away, no matter what medical problems my wife could possibly, hypothetically have - if she was still able and willing, we would make it work sexually. Colonostomy does not equal no sex.
I hope you get rid of your partner, and that you stop thinking so negatively about yourself. Feom where I stand, those two are very much connected.
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u/Vikingsandtigers 27d ago
A trusting couple navigates challenges together. You both seem to be abandoning this in different ways. Have you talked to him about how you might work to be sexual again with experimentation? If you're committed to celibacy then there are peoe who don't want or have sex that you could have a romantic life with.
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u/lavender_locus 27d ago
I'm so sorry to hear about this situation OP. That would feel like a gut punch to anyone, especially when you've built your life with this person.
Do you think it would be worthwhile seeing if there are any sex therapists available to you who specialise in disabilities? A professional input may be valuable for you both, if you think it could be of value to you.
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
He would never go. He just wouldn’t. I’m pretty sure he’s fine with porn and his new… Apparatus. Porn seems to be his go to overall. I don’t look like those women, I used to be able to do what they do, but I could tell it wasn’t the same for him. Now I could never do any of the things he watches because it could damage me internally.
I just… I want to make this work. Sex isn’t the biggest part of a relationship, and breaking up with someone over sex seems selfish.
I feel like I can’t win.
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u/volvavirago 27d ago
He is the one being selfish, not you. Prioritizing his pleasure over your mental and emotional wellbeing is nothing if not selfish.
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u/LadyinOrange 27d ago edited 26d ago
Any concern that his sexual taste are what caused you medical issues in the first place? If you used to be able to do something from porn that now you couldn't do because it would damage you internally
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u/lavender_locus 27d ago
Your partner sounds very selfish and like he wants the easy way out by not working on your intimacy and only focusing on his pleasure. You 100% deserve better than this in this new chapter of your life. I'm sorry OP
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u/6352956104 27d ago edited 27d ago
You can win but you refuse to. You refuse to walk away and be alone. Your posts and comments are repetitive and everyone gives you the same advice- this relationship needs to end for your own mental health. Until then you will keep suffering. Please seek professional help in moving on from this relationship in the most stable way possible.
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u/Peachdeeptea 27d ago
Sex will absolutely happen for you again. Maybe not sex with this man, but I believe you will find love and intimacy. The world is so big and there's so many wonderful people out there.
I got with my first boyfriend when I was young. Then I got chronic illness after chronic illness. My bf was there for me and I loved him, we had built a life together and he was all I ever knew.
But he didn't put a lot of effort into us or into life. I started to understand that in my early twenties but I stayed with him. He had been there for me through the death of my mom, college, we worked minimum wage jobs together and climbed out of poverty together.
But it wasn't the right relationship for me. And I knew that. Still, I continued to hold on.
Then my doctor told me I needed brain surgery. At the time I was the only one working. When I tearfully told him what the doc said, he replied "it's going to be okay, and we can just live on your unemployment or disability". He clearly had no intention of getting a job, even part time, to help. The floor finally dropped and I finally looked at him differently. Within a few weeks I had broken up with him and moved out.
Being independent was scary but exciting. I was finally living for me.
Within a few years I met my now husband and he is everything I've ever wanted in a partner. Intelligent, funny, kind, attentive, and handsome to boot. He's my best friend. We've been married for four years now and he's seen me through two spine surgeries.
He's taken the majority of the household chores over. He's helped me bathe for weeks if not months. Helped me put on my shoes. Helped me badger medical admin into getting care.
My ex would never have done this. If I had chosen to continue my life with him, I would technically never had been alone but I would have been lonely. And I definitely wouldn't have gotten the level of care and help that my husband gives our relationship.
Now I'm getting better. It's been years and the road forward is not linear but I'm getting better!! I'm able to shower, walk, drive, sit, I'm largely independent now. I'm hoping to start a new chapter with my husband. But even in this current one we have still had fun together. We've made each other laugh and spent quality time together often. Even with all the medical stuff we've made space to be intimate. It looks different than it used to, but we both make an effort and have explored different ways to express our sexuality together.
Your problem isn't the bag. It's the man. Are you going to stay with a low effort partner, or are you going to embrace the fear and hope that comes with choosing yourself?
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u/pktechboi 27d ago
I am not joking when I say this is devastating to read. you are thirty years old, not asexual, you actively want sex, and your partner has you convinced that an ostomy bag is so incredibly revolting that he will never have sex again?
people with your exact disability have active sex lives. you are not a sexless being and you don't have to pretend to be for this man. my strongest advice on moving forward is break up. you also need therapy for the crushingly low self esteem, but the first step has to be breaking up babe. your life is not over and he is an enormous asshole for making you feel like it is.
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u/enjoylifeasitcomes 27d ago
I am a 61 Yr old guy, I have been impotent for the last 6 years partly due to diabetes and partly to hereditary varicose veins. I please my partner orally and she has never complained. There are many options if you love your partner
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u/Nick-Ryder 27d ago
Firstly, I would say find a therapist for yourself. Any major life changes, I would recommend a therapist, especially when they are not a change that is wanted. They can help you come to terms with it, and even provide coping strategies to help manage the feelings that come with it.
Secondly, couple’s therapy. They can help a couple with communication, intimacy, understanding, and acceptance. Because the callous way he is treating you isn’t right, I don’t care if he is the oldest man alive and “set in his way.” The beautiful thing about humans is that we CHANGE, for better or worse, we don’t have to stay in one way. He needs to see you and value you enough to make the effort to change. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it if it’s for someone you love.
7 years is a long time. It’s committment. But that alone is not a good foundation for love. You need support, communication, affection, and consideration. That feeling of love, of belonging, is a part of the hierarchy of needs. A NEED, not a want. You can do better. You deserve better. And that’s why this follows my second suggestion. Try some couple’s counseling if you really like this guy. Try to make it work. Try to get him on a better path to be your PARTNER, and if that fails, you should honestly find someone else.
I wish you the best, in healing and love and companionship. You worth more than you know.
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u/Enigmatic-Rose 27d ago
Is there an ostomy support group your specialist nurse/surgical team can put you in contact with? I’m sure almost everyone experiences a feeling of ‘this is everything over’ after such a major life changing surgery so I wonder if speaking to other people and their partners who have been there and are several/many years down the line might be useful to do for both of you.
Couples counselling might also be beneficial as this is a huge change for you both and being able to communicate honestly and effectively about your feelings, worries etc is important.
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u/WoodlandDomino 27d ago
You deserve love and physical intimacy, and there are people who will give you that. You need to move on from this relationship. You cannot spend the rest of your life with someone like that. You have agency in your own life, you don't have to wait for other people to decide what will happen to you. Please, please seriously consider leaving him. I know it's exceptionally scary, but it is do-able.
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u/budackee_10 27d ago
Stop making light of it. Stop laughing alongside him. Let him know this is fucking serious. Stop all this understanding nonsense
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u/CheesecakeCalendar 27d ago
Tbh, the issue here isn’t your colostomy - and it’s not to make light of it, I know how life changing it can be (both good and bad) - but it’s your partner. He treats you like shit and you think you deserve it but I promise you, you really, really don’t. You’ve had terrible experiences that have primed you to think that below the bare minimum is also good and enough but I promise you it isn’t. And freeing yourself up and loving yourself enough (in a healthy way) will give you the chance to be loved in a healthier and happier way. Being alone is better than this. Please, please speak to a therapist regarding your self esteem. Ultimately, we accept the love we think we deserve and the issue at heart is that you think you deserve this but you don’t. You deserve better.
On a practical note - currently your colostomy is a shock and it will take you time to adapt to it, mentally. I know two people with permanent ostomies and both of them have, with initial mental struggles (not to downplay - it took maybe a year to get used to at least for one of them) reached a point of gratitude and complete acceptance towards the ostomy. Both went on to find respective partners after the ostomy (one of them shared with me that his girlfriend didn’t blink an eyelid when she found out, they’ve been together 6-7 years now; another one has changed multiple boyfriends and all the guys she has dated don’t have an issue with it). I’m not going to say it’s super easy, but you have to accept it first and then it’s not like it stops you from having sex, honestly. Personally, for me, I know for a fact that it wouldn’t stop me from having sex with someone.
On to you not being someone people want to have sex with - gently, you don’t really know that. You seem to have self esteem issues that probably colour your perception of your past, you might not have recognised opportunities that came your way, you might not have put yourself out there to receive opportunities, you might just have had bad luck so far. You are so young - you’re only 30, and you’ve been with a partner that has sapped your self worth for 7 years. Did you really write yourself off as unfuckable at 23? We change so much over time, and some bloom/mature later than others.
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u/nonstop2nowhere 27d ago
I have chronic neuro problems and my husband has a spinal cord injury. Girl, you're not the problem here and your sex life isn't over until you want it to be! Marriage and/or sex therapy might help, but your partner is cruel, and you deserve better. Your child deserves to see their mom treated with respect and kindness, so they know what to expect from an intimate relationship. All that aside, since your husband unilaterally opened the relationship this way, feel free to get a mechanical "boyfriend" until you decide what you want to do with the marriage. You deserve release too!
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u/volvavirago 27d ago
Dump him and find someone who makes you feel loved.
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
After 7 years, a home, a family, a pet, just everything… Is that my only option? I feel so broken and ugly, especially now. I genuinely don’t want to be with another man. It terrifies me to no end. I’ve trusted him with my heart and body for over half a decade, I don’t think I can do that again. It all feels like a dead end right now.
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u/ElegantEmerald 27d ago
Before the replies on this go completely the direction they already are, I'm going to give more specificity:
Couple's counseling.
This shouldn't be placed on you to do all the work. This is something you should be working through together.
Now, if he is unwilling to do even that... then you have harder things to consider.
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u/hollyofhori 27d ago
He would never. Airing out our relationship problems especially when it comes to sex will just never happen.
I love him, I feel like I have the emphasize that. Everything I’ve ever done I did because I love him. I went to the hospital when my colon ruptured (and we didn’t know) because he asked me to and I love him. I had a baby for him, moved away from my parents for him, got the dog breed he wanted for him.
He is my first and only relationship, and I wanted to show him women can be kind and understanding and loyal, because he hadn’t had that before.
But it was all for nothing? All of it?
That makes me wish the sepsis had taken me when I had it. This hurts more than being sliced open like a gutted pig and having my organ chopped out of me.
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u/ElegantEmerald 27d ago
I'm still suggesting the couple's counseling, even if it just means you requesting it so you can *know* it was refused.
That said, from the response you just gave here, I'm going to agree with the other comments that you, personally, would also benefit from a personal therapist — regardless of if you are going to see a couple's therapist or not; it sounds like you are already grieving and in a lot of pain.
If you are able to, together, go to couple's counseling, great. If not, you'll have confirmed that answer so you never wonder down the line. But that response you just gave sounds like you are suffering, and you shouldn't have to go through that alone.
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u/RedwoodRespite 27d ago
Your love for another person can never be the thing that makes them love you back. And your love will never be the thing that makes a relationship worth it.
Only he can do that. And he’s not. And he never will.
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u/pktechboi 26d ago
you are trying to lick his love off the edge of a knife, slicing yourself to ribbons in the process. you deserve so much more than this.
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u/unlocklink 26d ago
You have given everything for and to him. What has he given you? Has he given you everything you wanted, does he do things just to make you happy?
If not then I'm sorry, the answer to your question is YES, leaving may he the only option, because right now you are giving up yourself to please another and getting nothing in return . You deserve more.
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27d ago edited 24d ago
[deleted]
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u/volvavirago 27d ago
Listen to this, OP, please. You can take ownership of your life and your happiness. Future you will be grateful.
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u/RedwoodRespite 27d ago
And what did he do with that trust?
Did he ever show you passion? He’s not once given you oral? And how does he explain that???
He prefers his own hand over you, that’s not partner material.
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u/volvavirago 27d ago
Therapy first, you need someone you can talk to who can provide perspective and insight.
But yes, anyone who makes you feel broken and ugly over a colostomy, is not someone you should be with. You are genuinely better off alone than with someone who makes you feel worse about yourself. And it sounds like you have fallen victim to the sunk-cost fallacy. The longer you stay and the more you invest, the harder it is to leave, no matter how bad it gets.
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u/redditistripe 27d ago
I don't know what to say. I honestly don't know how I would react intimately to someone in your position. I like to think I could be rational about it but suspect at the same time I couldn't trust myself over it.
Does he think that in some perverse way him using a Pocket Pussy so he isn't hassling you for sex but still staying with you is doing you some sort of favour?
I can't help wonder, probably unwisely, that maybe after some time he might be able to adjust to the stoma bag's presence, that he just needs some adjustment to it?
I also wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed and it was him who had to use one? Although I realise speculation like that isn't helpful in any way.
What do the pair of your do, long-term? Do you stay with him knowing your sex life is over and does he stay with you knowing his future is a Pocket Pussy? It can't be attractive to either of you.
And what do you think about doing in the long term? Do you separate from him and live by yourself, knowing at least that way you have more complete control over the situation, that you don't have to wake every day thinking the same thing over and over again?
Sometimes there just seem to be challenges to which there are no suitable answers.
Does the facility that performed your ileostomy not provide any counselling for partners of people who have to have the procedure?
Have you looked for support services where you live? Or will that not make any difference?
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u/SwingTrader1941 27d ago
There should be men that would be OK with that. Last I knew the bags could be removed and capped so it shouldn't be that much of an issue.
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u/unlocklink 26d ago
The bags can't always be removed and capped. Some colostomies can (not all) and ileostomies cannot. But the mechanics remain unchanged.
And plenty of men and women are absolutely fine with it.
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u/LadyinOrange 27d ago
I'm going to play devil's advocate here just because you've had so much good advice telling you to please get therapy and to leave a man if he doesn't treat you right.
As egregious as it sounds to say that he got an AI girlfriend pocket pussy, let's look at it a little more ambiguously.
He seems afraid to have sex with you because he doesn't want to hurt you, so he got a masturbatory aid.
That doesn't mean he's disgusted by you or anything, he can probably see that your mental health is so bad, he's probably worried sick and really messed up himself mentally, if he does love you.
Just an angle to consider
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u/AliceCityRocker 27d ago
Hello Op, first of all I'm utterly sorry for your situation, not mine but got a close relative in a similar condition. I strongly advice to seek a professional aid, since it's a complex and hurtful situation. As for the sex part, I think you could try to try out r/Mindgasm, for yourself but even with your partner, maybe can be the starting point to cope with the difficulties for both of you. I wish you good luck and send a huge hug.
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u/climbingpartnerwntd 27d ago
Are you familiar with Hannah Witton? She is a youtuber with an ostomy who has historically made a lot of content about sex, and I think watching her videos may help you.
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u/johny5k 27d ago
There is no advice in this world that will effectively help you if the question you are asking is how to cope moving forward “knowing my sex life is over for a pocket pussy”. That question diminishes your own worth, desires, and needs. Your partner doesn’t get to just opt out of something that is clearly so important to your well-being as an individual and as a couple. You are an EQUAL in your relationship, so treat your own needs as such. You BOTH need to work on identifying your individual needs and desires in the relationship. Then, you BOTH need to work on figuring out how you’re going to meet those needs and desires. Ideally, that should be with a counselor. In addition, there is also an excellent sex therapist podcast called Sex With Emily, where you can email her or call and ask her a question. feedback@sexwithemily.com She is very good and has been answering exactly these types of questions for decades. No excuses or rationalizing. You are too valuable for that. Take the next step forward.
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u/BODO1016 27d ago
He is lazy and not willing to give any effort. Can you imagine what will happen the next time you have a medical emergency he’ll just not be there for you at all. He’s going to treat you like this because he can - you are going to have to leave. You deserve a full life that includes intimacy with a caring giving partner and you can and we have that, but it isn’t going to be with him.
Please get some therapy and pour some love on yourself.
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u/villanellechekov 27d ago
you absolutely can have sex. but your relationship of seven years and the 35times you have had sex aren't even with him. that means an average of five times a year if we are being generous. you want it so you're clearly not asexual.
go find someone who's not a dipshit and enjoy your life
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u/calcifers_castle 27d ago
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE WITH THIS DUMBASS. the only thing stopping you from having a fulfilling life right now is YOU. you deserve better than this. go out and find it.
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u/Ospov 26d ago
I missed the first post, but I just wanted to say that I also have a colostomy bag and it hasn’t hindered my sex life at all. If anything, it made it way better because before my surgery I was too sick to want to do anything.
I’ve had almost 30 different partners post-surgery and not a single one has said anything negative about it. My bag even broke while I was having sex with my current girlfriend and we’re still together.
I don’t know if there are any other disabilities holding you back, but if you are otherwise healthy besides have a colostomy bag, I don’t think the problem is your disability. It’s either a problem with your partner or with your mentality surrounding it. I promise you it’s possible to have a fulfilling sex life while having a colostomy bag.
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u/creepyolderlady 26d ago
OP I'm sorry you're dealing with an unpleasant shit bag that's ruining your sex life, but it's not the ostomy.
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u/GorditaCrunchPuzzle 27d ago
Did he give up or did he just get something to supplement? You aren't competing with toys, rather you can work with them.
I understand you are devastated right now and if I was in your position I probably would be too, but you seem extremely defeatist on all of this. Many other people mention therapy and I'm going to second, third, and fourth that because this far beyond the scope of Reddit.
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u/Foreign-Library-3350 27d ago
Both of you need therapy.. individual and couple therapy.. If before he was a good partner he might be dealing with some mental inhibition seeing you with the debilitation. And mentally he has fear of hurting you.
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u/Aurora-ADHD-dyslexia 27d ago
Hey nurse here! When I was a student I worked with the specialists colorectal nurses, they have a huge amount of information on how to continue a healthy sex life, please reach out to them, they also have a lot of support groups and have heard it all before,
Body dysmorphia is a natural and valid response, (I mean your but hole just moved!) this is a huge change you are going through and both of you are going through, it will take time to adjust be easy on yourself and your partner, give yourself time to adjust be brave and ask for help from the healthcare team, ❤️
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u/eflask 26d ago
yeah, you guys need a therapist.
the pocket pussy can be him giving up, but it also could be him signaling that he's ok with you not being able to meet his needs in that way and he still loves you.
obviously that communication is not hitting well for you either way.
you need to have some hard conversations. not hard because necessarily bad, but hard because your body is busted up and your emotions are raw and your relationship can't ever be exactly the same and probably neither one of you knows if it can actually be good again.
so you need to have those conversations with someone trained to help.
even if everything is going to be fine, you still have a pile of hard emotions to sort through.
good luck.
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u/barrel0fm0nkeys 26d ago
I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. It’s not 100% the same situation, but this reminds me of how when women are diagnosed with cancer, they often receive pamphlets for support on navigating things alone because it’s not uncommon for husbands to leave their wives when they receive such diagnoses, as shitty as it sounds. I don’t know if your husband is just an asshole or if he thinks he’s doing you a favor by sticking around or something, and to a degree it doesn’t matter. You deserve better, there is better for you out there in the world, and your husband can be better than this or not, but it’s his choice. He is being hurtful whether he means to or not, and what does matter is whether that matters enough to him to change. Please remember this is not about you or your colostomy. You deserve active, enthusiastic affection, and the fact that you aren’t receiving it is a reflection of him, not of you. ❤️
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u/nopointinlife1234 26d ago
O I swear I never say this, but dump this piece of shit loser you're married to.
He doesn't deserve anyone.
I tell my partner she's beautiful inside and out every day.
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u/SecretaryNo1393 26d ago
He says it’s to protect you but girl he hasn’t wanted sex with you in the 7 years you have been together. Do you really think the colostomy bag is the issue here. Please stand up im begging you you deserve so much better
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u/RedditNomad7 26d ago
I don’t know you, him or enough about the situation to know if what I’m about to say is right, but I’m going to say it anyway.
My ex was a disabled woman. Different disability, but doing the wrong thing the wrong way could have killed her. I understand having to work around positions and limitations. Things with her could get suddenly messy, and that’s just the way it was. My point being that just because you have a bag doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. You can absolutely have sex and deserve a partner who is happy to have sex with you.
It seems obvious to me, even from the little you’ve posted about your guy, that he’s selfish and self-centered. He’s caring about himself, not you. He bought his toy so he can tell himself he has a workaround, that he can “cope” and stay, even though HIS sex life is over. At no point have I read anything that remotely sounds like he’s thinking of your wants and your needs. Of course, someone you’ve been with for years who won’t go down on you has already shown his priority is him and not you. It’s never going to change if it’s really been this way all along.
If you have the means, kick him to the curb. Don’t resign yourself to a miserable life, lacking in intimacy and real love. There are men out there who’ll not give a single shit about you being disabled. It may take a while to find them, but it’s 1,000% possible. For your sake, not to mention your sanity, go find someone who cares and actually loves and wants you.
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u/Sonialovesflowers 26d ago
Girl, I understand that you have loved him so much all these years, but we all know that the relationship has come to an end because YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH HIM. Sometimes marriages end. I know it's hard, but it happens and after that people find new partners that make them happier.
He might like staying with you, but you are not happy like this. You don't have to stay unhappy. I know it's gonna take time and effort, I know it's unfair, but you really deserve to find happiness.
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u/Sprungercles 26d ago
You're getting lots of support and good advice here. I just wanted to add that I've heard about special lingerie that hides things like your bag in a sexy way. Even if you don't work things out with your husband that could help with your confidence in the future, even if you just wear it for yourself.
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u/t0tallyn0tab0tbr0 26d ago
There are manuals written by disabled people about positions with visual guides and recommended equipment available online for free! Sex and disability is not an entirely novel topic, and there might yet be a path forward. Either way, go to therapy. I'll try to dig up the one I used to recommend when I'm home.
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u/meanderingwolf 26d ago
Please talk to your healthcare providers and ask them for referrals to sex counselors and therapists that work with people who need adaptive services for intimate sexual contact. There are many people who must do this and are doing it routinely to maintain intimate relationships. An important aspect of this is that both partners need counseling, not just the person with the physical issue. I am aware of people with your condition who have healthy sexual relations with their partners. Don’t give up!
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u/Relevant_Ad_9095 26d ago
Sorry, it will be crude.
Jesus, get a grip. Get therapy and fucking leave him. Even without the bag you guys weren't fucking. You keep self loathing, which I get... Though times, I understand but obviously you have issues that you need to work on.
For fuck sake, dump the guy, work with a therapist, and improve your mental health before you do anything else.
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u/simbazon 26d ago
Could I suggest you look up the YouTuber Hannah Witton? She had a Ileostomy a few years ago - slightly different, I appreciate that, but she's done quite a few videos about her experience which might be useful for you. She's veeery sex positive, which might be beneficial for you to see!
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u/unlocklink 26d ago
So I've not r ad the original post, but I've read through some of your replies here.
Firstly, in so sorry your partner is feeling this way, and making you feel like your sex life is over.
I am F 43, have had an ostomy since I was 34. I met my current partner on tinder when I was 36. We have had everything from an amazing sex life to a luke warm, verging on non-existent one. None of those fluctations have been due to my ostomy...my ostomy has never gotten in the way of sex - PIV or oral.
When I was dating after my last long term relationship ended (the one I was in when I got my ostomy...the end was also not related to it) and also when I was just hooking up from tinder - not a single person ever had an issue with my ostomy. Literal one night stands didn't care. The person I have now been with for 7 years has never batted an eyelid
YOU DONT HAVE TO STAY WOTH SOMEONE WHO REFUSES TO LOVE YOU PHYSICALLY JUST AS MUCH AS THEY DO EMOTIONALLY.
That shit will wear you down. You don't have to accept it. You can choose to go your separate ways, and find someone who loves all of you
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u/caturday_saturday 26d ago
He's scared of even touching the outside of the bag...a partner that makes you feel unwanted or disgusted over a disability is not one that's worth having. PiV is also not the be all end all to sex, so this "position" crap is total BS. He could at the very least try. He can't even be bothered to do that. It sounds like he's with you because it's convenient for him, or because it's easier than being alone.
This man does not love you. People who love each other don't treat each other this way. They don't make each other feel this way, and they don't say these kinds of things to each other.
I don't know if it's a control thing? I don't know what his motivation is for staying and treating you this badly. There are people out there who ALSO have colostomy bags. There are people out there who have had partners with them. There are people out there that do not feel that this is in any way a "dealbreaker."
He is stealing your joy and hurting you. He doesn't care. There is nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with him. Don't waste effort you could spend finding someone who loves you for who you truly are on a man who trades you out for a machine and an AI chatbot. With the AI girlfriend? That's just cheating. Why stay with a man who cheats on you?
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u/Present-Panda8728 10d ago
Honestly girl, as hard as it sounds I think you should give the sex life a breakkk!! Look at how much confusion, and sadness maybe even some frustration that it’s brought you. Did you know that you’re worth so much more than your body and pleasure, it sounds a bit weird now that it’s written down but it’s true girl and honestly if I was in your situation, (remember, we’re completely different people but this is my way of giving advice, this is no hate to you ONLY peace and love) first of all I’d confront your man because wdym he has a POCKET PUHHHHSAY girl that is just like insane why can’t he just use his hands, it’s so sad how many people struggle and are deep in lust😔💔 and like the fact that he has a girl friend too while doing allat. Why can’t you guys just focus on each other romantically and platonically not sexually, you know?
As a follower of Jesus Christ, I believe that romantic relationships shouldn’t be revolved around freaky time. Now, I’m not saying that your relationship is because I actually have no idea what your relationship is like, but it’s quite often that you post questioning about sex and if this and that’s right. With God, He won’t give you that confusion. God loves you so much, past your flesh, past your sins. Our Heavenly Father died on the cross for our sins, the least we can do is follow His commands and His word. That could simply be taking care of your body, as our bodies are the Holy Temple so that’s how they should be treated, and we should also love ourselves and never call ourselves mean names nor anyone else for that matter! God bless you and I understand that you know MAYBE lust isn’t even a problem for you or (I can’t remember if who your dating is bf or husband but let’s hope it’s bf cuz girl you deserve sm better!! And he should work on himself). BUT ALSO I really hope none of this came off as judgey, because I don’t want you to feel bad for dating someone YOU LOVE but I just think you shouldn’t have to question these things, someone who truly loves you and understands you would reassure you everything you’re worrying about without even having to tell him you’re worried, like he can just tell you knowww. But I mean hey, I’m just a 15 year old girl, who’s single and doesn’t know anything about love and nor does it interest me like ofc it does but cmon now every little boy is IMMATURE!!!!!! But I also do understand like lust and that stuff, I’ve decided to save my v card until marriage not only because that’s what Jesus wants for me (and everyone too!, but it’s because He loves us and believes that we should be with someone we really know and trust and LOVE, get married, then let the games begin, jk), and because again this generation and society in general has gotten so lustful and I genuinely just can’t be with someone like that but EVERYONE has their own preferences and standards, I’m not one to judge. ANYWAYS I think Ive talked quite enough, God bless you girl AND YOURE SO SO STRONG!! Your disability doesn’t make you any less of a person, and God is with you every step of the way, He has not and won’t leave you. No matter what we’ve done, He still loves us no matter what!! I just passionately believe that someone like you, should be with who treats her the way she’s always dream, God bless youuuu!! (I just had a crazy thought and it was like imagine you were actually a guy and then I remembered the TP in puh post and I was like oh yea no we’re good) LMAOAOA rhat was relatable OKAY GOD BLESS YOUU!! I may not ever see your message but you’re strong, you’re smart, and you’re so lovedddd!!! Even if it isn’t by that boy with a pocket pussy. Gods love is ALL we need, “Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28 ANDDDDDDD “With God all things are possible” -Matthew 19:26 ANDDD just pray and if you believe you’ve already received it, itll be yours! God doesn’t answer prayers that won’t help you, but sometimes He answers certain prayers a bit slower! Trust in Him, and everything will work out❤️
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u/Present-Panda8728 10d ago
Oh shi girl you might be a different girl from that post so uh yeh we’re gonna ignore that HEHEHEHE but hey still take that message
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u/straffe-hendrick 4d ago
Sex ist always pu$$y related, there is alot more to do for both to enjoy it together. If willingly...
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u/LonelyWizardDead 27d ago
The situation sounds more complicated that whats writen. Tbh
What positions have been tried ? Side sadle
Dogy
Cowgirl
Modified doggy
That position were your on your back but he's upright
Sex sounds important to him, but there sounds like more to the story. Which is understandable.
Would you consider incorporating the pocket pussy in to sex play with him? I ask as a way or encouraging and re-enforcing you as a sexual partner. With the aim of future physical once adjustment period is mostly over and not sti fresh.
It could be genuinely be fear of hurting you. Which is going to take time to get over. I note your only 2months post op, your body is still going to be adjusting.
Consider checking out youtuber: Hannah Witton Who went through a similar experience on operation with your partner.
I personally feel as he is still there as a positive. But some adult discussions need to take place around sex / intimacy. As a parent it might be you need to schedule it and take the "fun" out of spontaneous.
I feel you shouldn't give up just yet, some times it just takes a bit extra work to get to were you want to be.
You've offered him the out, and you have the same out on the table. Relationships are hard and not always smooth and you've certainly not been give a good had this round.
Do you want it to work and does your partner want it to work.
Check out that youtuber
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u/LittleReader7 26d ago
You know it’s kink to have sex with people that has a bag . I say that to say this . It’s not your bag it’s him . The bag doesn’t stop anything it’s not on your vagina or anus . It shouldn’t stop anything .
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Post title:
UPDATE TO: Genuine advice to accept that sex (especially oral) will never happen again for me? Unsure how to move forward.
30F. My previous post I talked about being newly disabled and how to move forward with never being intimate again with my partner.
I got a lot of great advice. I took some time to talk to him about understanding where we stood intimacy wise and what we could do together to try and maintain some sort of intimate contact.
He bought an AI pocket pussy that cost $60 and comes with a “girlfriend”.
My heart sunk. I got a weird feeling in my chest and tried to make light of it, but that was the nail in the coffin.
He tried to say it was because he didn’t want to hurt me, there is no position I can be in that’s comfortable, he can’t put pressure on me for fear of touching my colostomy bag, etc.
He gave up. Just like I knew he would.
So what now? Any advice on coping moving forward knowing my sex life is over for a pocket pussy?
I knew it would happen deep down. I knew the moment I woke up from surgery and saw my body.
I knew and it still hurts so much.
Thank you everyone for the wonderful words of advice. I appreciate you all.
Any further advice on what I can do going forward would be appreciated as far as sex (or rather not having it).
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