r/sex • u/hollyofhori • Aug 03 '26
I can't find a flair that fits Genuine advice to accept that sex (especially oral) will never happen again for me? Unsure how to move forward.
I’m 30f. Sex has never been something anyone really wanted from me and now, after recent medical events, it’s become obvious sex will never happen again for me.
I’ve slept with 3 people my whole life. (1 one night stand, 1 two week hook up, and my current relationship of 7years. Had sex less than 35 times total between all 3.) It’s always been something I really wanted but it just didn’t happen for me, I’m just not someone people want to bang. And that’s okay! Not everything is about that, but as someone who always thought about sex and even idolized the idea of it, I feel like I’ve missed out a huge part of my life. I’ve never been given oral (despite being pretty obsessed with it), I’ve never came from penetration or fingers, and in the few dozen times I’ve slept with my partner it was very much a get it over with as soon as possible situation for them.
I realize this is an individual problem and I need advice on where to go from here. I’m willing to accept the fact I’m just not someone who is wanted that way, and now with a colostomy I’m trying to figure out how to handle these feelings and negate the want to be wanted as I’m now beyond unfuckable with this sort of disability. (It’s pretty gross so be warned if you look it up.)
I hope this doesn’t break sub rules as I need genuine individual advice for how to handle sex (or lack of it) going forward for the rest of my life. I don’t know where else to ask, if there are better suited communities for this, please share! Thank you so much.
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u/JonathanRL Aug 03 '26
As a person who have a colostomy; this is a two part problem. One is how we who have it approach it. Do I feel gross and unsexy wearing it? Yes. Very much yes. I am fortunate, mine is temporary. I cannot say how I would react if I had a permanent one.
But here is where our partners play a vital role making us feeling validated. If your current partner cannot provide this and no ammount of communication helps, you may want to find a partner who can handle bodily fluids; even if its on a bag on your belly.
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u/kateskateshey Aug 03 '26
There are pretty bags made specifically to cover colostomy bags that can make you feel much sexier.
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u/6352956104 Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
Are you in therapy? Your partner of 7 years views you as "untouchable". You've stayed with him regardless.
The bag is a new issue but it adds to a long running set of issues around sex, self-perception, and the relationship you've accepted. Having poor self-esteem and then trying to accept a disability and being with a partner who reinforces that this makes you "untouchable" is a cruel and harmful thing to do to yourself.
People with disabilities absolutely have sex. Your real issues here surround the last 7 years, your self-esteem, and crucially your choice of partner.
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u/Ok_Flounder_9812 Aug 03 '26
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I couldn’t help but feel how down you are about you as a whole and then how it seems to affect your situation, and relationships. If you are not seeing someone for psych reasons, then you should do that before assessing yourself and life. I’m sure the way you view yourself as “someone people don’t want to bang” is most likely because you were unfortunate enough to have not met or been surrounded by the right people. I say this because I have seen females of all shapes, sizes, attractiveness or lack of it…even ones who smelled. Bad. (I couldn’t believe the last one lol) get hit off. With those situations the men would hit and run mostly, but I have never heard anything like what you said. There is always someone out there that would be with you sexually. You may have not met them or in some cases even realise they are interested. You sound like someone who isn’t outwardly looking for it. So you may not know. Therapy will help you learn about yourself while teaching you to learn you and your disabilities are not a problem. It can help you learn to ask for things you need from another person within your relationship. Please don’t settle for someone avoiding sex with you. I believe with myself and when it comes to others, to be able to be in a relationship that include sexual things…you need to be attracted to something the person has (it can even be their personality.) I honestly think your partner has the problem and doesn’t want to openly admit it. Because admitting it makes it real. And in that case you need to be confident enough with yourself to talk to them openly. When you learn to be more confident with yourself, you will find you will be more happy and be able find ways to satisfy what you have been wanting. You have options as you can read in the comments.
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u/Massive_Plantain1999 Aug 03 '26
Hi there! 33F here. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Colostomies are not gross; they are part of your medical journey and really helping you out!
My first thought is why you find yourself not having the intimacy you would like. Have you tried to workshop that?
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
Thank you for saying that, really. I needed to hear that from someone and didn’t realize just how much I did. I already struggled before with sex and now being disabled I feel broken in a lot of ways especially intimately.
In the past I have, but after around year 4 I think I sort of gave up. My partner is around a decade older than me and “set in their ways” so to speak. At least with me. Further questions have revealed they actively wanted exes multiple times a week, and that is not the case for me. A handful of times a year would be generous when it comes to being with me. That hurt a lot and after than it was sort of a lightbulb moment of “oh it’s just me” and I slowly tried to stop wanting it as a whole.
My partner makes lots of jokes about sex to sort of break the awkwardness of knowing we don’t do that sort of thing and normally I can play along and joke but lately it just hurts.
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u/Massive_Plantain1999 Aug 03 '26
💔 It sounds like it is less about you and more about your partner honestly, but it’s so hard to know what someone else is thinking. Have you ever asked him if he was attracted to you? Or if there was something acting like a mental block for him?
There was a short period where my husband was drinking quite a bit solo and it really turned me off. I kept hoping he would figure it out himself but quickly realized he couldn’t read my mind. We had an open conversation and he stopped.
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
I have, his response is as follows:
“There’s more to love than being attracted to someone or beauty.”
Which I always took as meaning “Yes I love you but I’m not attracted to you.”
It always kind of threw me for a loop because I always thought attraction was a decent part of love, but he says he loves me for other things. Which is good, I think?
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u/reluctantdonkey Aug 03 '26
I mean, truthful, you have too much going on in you life to have room for someone who makes to feel this shitty about yourself.
His reasons might be valid for HIMSELF, but that doesn't mean you have to make them valid for YOU. They're simply not how you see things, and your point of view deserves honored in the right relationship as much as his.
I hope you'll embrace that one day.
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u/Girlscoutdetective Aug 03 '26
This!!! OP doesn’t have to stay for sure and honestly, I also wonder if her partner thinks or knows she won’t leave and that is why he stays??? I don’t mean any negative implications with that, but I am curious
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u/Massive_Plantain1999 Aug 03 '26
Hmm well it might be worth asking if it is a platonic type of love. You know how you love your best friend and would do anything for them type of thing but wouldn’t bang them?
If it is… you have to ask yourself if you are okay with living like that. If not, you have a couple of options: 1) leave 2) ask if he would be okay opening up the relationship so you can have that need fulfilled
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u/Fancy_Anywhere3150 29d ago
yeah, i agree that opening up the relationship is definitely a real option in this situation
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u/piekenballen Aug 03 '26
It sounds like you think too little of yourself while your partner thinks too much of himself but also too little of you.
It doesnt sound like an equal dynamic in the relationship.
Would you dare to ask him to perform oral sex on you?
I think there are lot’s of people with colostomas and sure enough lot’s of them have similar struggles and questions around this topic.
There are also lot’s of non-medically related sexless and therefor unhappy relationships. Men and women. The majority of them where open and honest communication about the topic is impossible. Because the lower libido partner just refuses to talk about it and/or take responsibility for their (re)actions.
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Aug 03 '26
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u/Massive_Plantain1999 Aug 03 '26
Ooh I agreed with you completely until your last sentence 😵
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u/Jugzrevenge Aug 03 '26
Why do you disagree??? There ARE people that are into disabilities.
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u/Massive_Plantain1999 Aug 03 '26
No, no I know. I disagree with the “your view of the world is very narrow.” No place here for ad hominems
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Aug 03 '26
[deleted]
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u/autoencoder Aug 03 '26
Some people want feedback. Your feedback was blunt, but true (at least in my view). You didn't mean it negatively, but you did not consider the emotions triggered by the phrasing. You could have said "there's a world of possibility out there" instead of pointing out a deficiency in a person.
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u/Girlscoutdetective Aug 03 '26
Honestly. You aren’t going to like this but I can absolutely promise you promise you promise you the partner is the issue. I will tell you what I have been telling myself. My partner is 15 years older than me. At first it was great, but now huge issues with alignment have surfaced, and I realized I need to make the change for me. If will not get better unless you make the jump. You are young enough to start over, at any age. Do not let your mind tell you it’s over or this is what you deserve. Ever. Period. Take three months, write down all the things you want for sure absolute no holds barred and go get them all. They are out there. The sex is very important to your image, your mental health, your relationship—but the relationship itself should be more what you focus on finding. Someone who aligns with you, sees you and your flaws as beautiful and WANTS to give you those things, up front without question or hesitation. You deserve that. We ALL deserve that. This one life we live is so short, seize the chance to start over and chase your dreams, entirely…. And never look back
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u/Girlscoutdetective Aug 03 '26
Also… Write all the things you can control in a circle, on the outside, write all the things you can’t control. Let those things go. Write them, own them, but don’t let them or any ex/man control how you have sex, how you feel, how you think or how you love. Dont stop until you find exactly what you are looking for, not just the potential of maybe or never. You can have everything you want
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u/aerialpoler Aug 03 '26
All of this just sounds like your partner is the problem. You've been in a relationship for seven years and (according to your post) have had sex about ~30 times in that time? You must know that's not normal for a relationship.
You don't have to stay with him forever. If you're unhappy you're allowed to move on. There will be other people in the future. Your disability does not make you gross or unsexy, you're just as deserving of intimacy as anyone else.
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u/menicknick Aug 03 '26
As a male around the age of your partner, it's important to know that our libido dies down around this age. It doesn't mean he doesn't find you desirable -just that our natural horniness calms down.
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u/Wolfdreama Aug 03 '26
Whilst that's true, "a handful of times a year" is a ridiculously low amount.
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u/geddysbass2112 Aug 03 '26
I go through phases at 52. Libido drops and I get very in my head about it. It creates ED.
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u/Wolfdreama Aug 03 '26
I truly do sympathise with this, my husband is almost 50 and has ED issues at the moment too.
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u/geddysbass2112 Aug 03 '26
Its gotten better. Medication was a big factor but the performance anxiety would totally kill libido and the thoughts of it. But there were times it went on a couple years. Thanks
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u/ptrst Aug 03 '26
They've been together for 7 years, and he's openly admitted to not being attracted to her.
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u/Theslash1 Aug 03 '26
Whaaa, 49 and mines only getting stronger as I get more in touch. I hear tons of old people saying sex gets better and better and I didn’t believe it, but it’s more enjoyable now than ever
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u/oldpaintunderthenew Aug 03 '26
I'm sorry dear, you have stated no legitimate reason, medical or otherwise, why you should never have sex, including oral, again.
If I'm reading this correctly, you have a partner of 7 years, who you've had sex with less than 30 times total, never orgasmed with, who finds you undesirable and doesn't want to be intimate with you? What is this relationship doing for you other than holding you back?
You don't need to accept that sex will never happen for you. It's not the truth, unless you make it so, and I think you deserve better than that.
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u/Appropriate_Pride740 Aug 03 '26
I think it may be surprising but there are a lot of lovely people out there waiting to meet you. Like somebody said, you're on a journey, your journey is just different to some peoples' but by no means a deal breaker. I would have no problem if my wife had a colostomy, I fell in love with the right person, just like you will!
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u/Unlikely-Value-5114 Aug 03 '26
Plenty of people with colostomies remain sexually active. With a loving caring partner it’s just a little something that requires a work around.
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u/WhereAreMyMinds Aug 03 '26
Am doctor. The number of people I've seen who have been sexually active VIA their colostomy.... So yeah, people with colostomies are sexually active
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u/alltheothersrtaken Aug 03 '26
I'm impressed that this comment has been here for 3 hours and nobody has reacted.
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u/fit_for_the_gallows Aug 03 '26
Interesting. I'm ashamed to say I'm having trouble visualizing that.
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u/chrisGrout Aug 03 '26
Whatever your medical situation you're a person and someone could well fall in love with you. I'm sorry it's not worked out for you so far but it's far from over..
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u/lonelyyetmarried Aug 03 '26
Agreed. I have had relationships in the past that were very interested in sexual activities, but my current husband is very not. So I can only imagine how much it would hurt if my only sexual history was with him and how unwanted it would make me feel.
There is 100% a person out there who would be interested in you sexually. It sounds like that may be upsetting you now, but it isn't all you want from a relationship. It is a tough road to travel, being with someone who doesn't seem to like you sexually, but like with every relationship you have to take the bad with the good and weigh out what means more to you
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u/JonBoyWhite Aug 03 '26
So many people live their lives with an Ostomy. I had one for 6 months. I felt the same as you but with the help of an understanding partner. During that time we were still intimate on a couple of occasions. It sounds like you have a shitty relationship with your partner. I know your confidence is down right now but maybe it's time to find someone more compatible? I'm rooting for you, dude. It all seems awful now but you're still breathing and have autonomy.
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u/ExtraordinaryNerd Aug 03 '26
Sweetheart…you deserve so much better in a partner!!!
I had a long time lover with a bag and it didn’t stop us from Anything! Oral and all. I had no issues going down on him, it never grossed me out.
You deserve to be treated as the beautiful sexual creature you are. Your partner has taken advantage of you in just. Ugh. Im so sorry
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u/MrsHBear Aug 03 '26
GIRL
There’s sex out there to be had. You’re young and NOT out the game yet. There’s lots of cool colostomy things that can help as far as the sight if the paying itself - like covers and caps etc- but the sex issue you really need to address with your partner or LEAVE said partner.
Why are yall together if your needs aren’t being met?
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
I guess I just never put much weight on needs being “met” because I always thought love was supposed to be more than that. I’m sorry if that sounds naive. My partner says they love me and I love them of course, but sex isn’t something we share, and that seems to be our dynamic. I wasn’t exactly having a ton before we met, maybe 5 times total before we met when I was 24 (lost my virginity at 21). And since then it’s still the most I’ve ever had, even if around or less than 30 times in 7 years. So I’d say we’re together because we love each other. When I almost died 6 weeks ago they were a wreck and rightfully so. So I do think they care about me, at least.
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u/MrsHBear Aug 03 '26
But I love my best friend, my parents, my children, however the love and affection ruin you share with a romantic partner is different than that …. I find it odd that your partner feels it necessary to break the ice with jokes about sex, so they’re clearly aware of your feelings and desire for more….but does not attempt the physical intimacy that you need?
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
I think the jokes are meant to make light of it, because otherwise it’s a giant elephant in the room of our relationship. In the past, when attempted, it’s very obviously forced on their part when an attempt is made to put focus on me. It just isn’t their thing. Quick PIV with no foreplay of any kind and their finishing is seemingly the only scenario where it isn’t forced or awkward. I’ve accepted that and understand sometimes people just don’t do those things? I don’t know. At this point I’m unsure because I’ve never had any other type of sex, and everyone seems to be telling me that’s a way messed up way to do it.
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u/Queen_V_17 Aug 03 '26
people who are attracted to their partner, want to have sex with them, and want them to have a good time absolutely do those things (foreplay, checking in, position changes, etc)
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u/CapableWives Aug 03 '26
Oh, honey, this is a partner problem and not a YOU problem. This person has convinced you that you're unwantable and that they are the best you can get in order to control you. I promise that they don't speak for the whole world, and you deserve so much more
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 Aug 03 '26
This! As a disabled person, there's plenty on the sex spectrum you can enjoy. This isn't a sex problem, this is an abusive partner problem.
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u/uforgotTHEPICKLES Aug 03 '26
I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. Adding on to what others have said, search “ostomy pouch covers” online. Basically just fabric coverings that come in all sorts of designs. It may help you feel more comfortable about the “gross” feeling you have.
There are plenty of couples out there who have sex lives despite one of them having an ostomy. It seems like your partner may not be that interested in sex overall. you deserve a partner who wants to make you feel good, and I’m certain that person is out there waiting to meet you.
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u/ilovetoasterbathtime Aug 03 '26
you need to break up with your partner if he makes you feel that way.
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u/Extension_Fold_7716 Aug 03 '26
Not to be vulgar... but my friend has a colostomy and gets dicked down daily. It does take some partner searching and ability to be confident and honest with the other person but this doesn't have to be the end of your sex life. I hope you leave that person so you can experience what it feels like to be loved and wanted <3 And maybe consult other doctors about a reversal if that's possible for you.
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u/ZombiesAte Aug 03 '26
It sounds like your blaming your Ostomy for a relationship issue.
Total understand that being becoming an ostomate can really knock your self image but it's not a barrier to a healthy sex life in any way.
My experience; happily married to an ostomate, we went through 8 ops, I've packed open wounds post operation, regularly help her change her bag when its being difficult, been pooped on because of bag failures and everything else that comes with a total collectomy.
Not one bit of it stops me from finding my wife the sexiest woman alive and showing it physically.
Talk to to your partner.
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u/Alternative-Tiger783 Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
I have ileostomy. I’m a 55F.
I still have guys who are keen to get me into bed.
Warners makes high compression waist trainers. Just tuck your bag into that.
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u/Due-Media7293 Aug 03 '26
My heart goes out to you because I think you are grieving more than sex and it sounds like you are bracing yourself for a future where you believe nobody could ever want you again.
A colostomy does not make someone unlovable or undesireable and there are plenty of people in long happy sexual relationships after life changing surgeries so be careful not to let one painful chapter become your entire identity.
Right now I would focus less on convincing yourself to give up forever and more on rebuilding the belief that intimacy can look different without being over because that is where healing usually starts.
If these feelings keep getting heavier talking with a therapist or joining a support group for people living with ostomies can make a huge difference since hearing real stories often breaks the lie that you are alone.
I think a year from now you may be surprised that the thing hurting most today is not the bag itself but the hopelessness it created and that feeling can absolutly change.
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u/coleary11 Aug 03 '26
Check out Hannah witton on YouTube.
I haven't kept up with her content, but I know for a while she was very much a sex educator. Herself having a colostomy. Lots of videos about life (and sex!) with a stoma and what not. I recall a video where she shows some of the lacey things she would wear to cover it/hold the bag
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u/Blueorchid05 Aug 03 '26
Hi Op, I just wanted to give you a little perspective from another side of a relationship with an Ostomy-haver. Me and my partner are intimate as much as we were before the operation. He is my partner and his attractiveness to me is about the connection I have with him as a whole person, not specifically his body. His colostomy saved his life and when I find it off putting (rare) I remember that. This is to say, sex doesn't have to be off the cards completely if you don't want it to be. There are things you might find help you to feel more relaxed (such as belts which hold the bag, meaning it and the scarring are less visible). There is positions which minimise the view of the bag. I waited for my partner to feel comfortable in his body again, and that took a while. He did feel gross, but he was never gross to me. He was and is the man I love and I reminded him of that if he ever did (and does) feel his bag makes him unattractive. I wish you luck to either find this balance with your partner, or to find someone who makes you feel attractive regardless of the bag, because I promise those people ARE out there.
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u/0cleese Aug 03 '26
My best friend in the 1990s suffered from Crohn's disease and had a colostomy. It very much negatively impacted her self-esteem for a short period. However, I can assure you that she had no trouble getting laid when she tried. She is married with a college aged daughter today.
Please take advantage of whatever resources are available to you and talk to someone who can help. Perhaps your physician's office may be able to recommend someone?
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u/HeathenSidheThem Aug 03 '26
I mean, a good way to fail is to believe you've already lost and stop trying
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u/ketoandkpop Aug 03 '26
Hi honey! Without asking what the cause was that led to you having a colostomy, have you spoken to Macmillan or looked up their resources? Not sure what country you’re in but they are a UK based cancer charity who have a clinical and holistic approach to their patients so they can signpost to information and advice; a common theme with people who undergo life changing surgery is how will this impact my sex life? They will have resources and guidance, even if cancer was not a factor in your history there will still be useful information for you. I wish you the best of luck 💚
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u/Guilty-Spring6389 Aug 03 '26
Hi there.
That sounds rough. I'm sorry for you.
A few things that comes to my mind, although you will probably get better advice by other people.
If sex is really out of question with your partner, and it really matters to you, maybe it's something you should explore with someone else with which you can create a good connection. More easily said than done, I agree.
Otherwise, if sex is really not on the table for you (although I think it is unlikely even given your circonstances), what is left to you is to explore sexuality in a different manner. What I mean by that is (1) through masturbation obviously and (2) finding some people to connect with and share fantaisies/sexting or more generally through writing. The latter can be great to explore what you like, and find connection differently. Also, it can boost your self confidence.
I wish you the best of luck.
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u/jdthejerk Aug 03 '26
I have a colostomy. Yeah, it sucks. I am lucky to have an understanding wife. She was a flight medic in the Air Force for 25 years. Plus, has problems as well that are normal for many women in their 60s.
The only advice I have is to maybe try to find a compatible partner on one of the dating sites for those disabled or have medical conditions. There is not much we can do about it.
Personally, if it is clean with a new bag, I wouldn't hesitate. I'm in the same boat, though.
Good luck. If you ever need someone to talk to...
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u/fredjutsu Aug 03 '26
Honestly? Sex therapist and sex workers are both viable for someone in your situation to actually get real world, in-person validation.
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u/TheCouncilOfElrond Aug 03 '26
What's the advice you want? How to deal with that?
Can you tell us why you think nobody wants to have sex with you, even though you're in a relationship and you've had sex before?
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
Yes, how to deal with no longer being seen a a sexually desired person, I’m okay with it in the sense of I can’t change anything I haven’t already changed so it must be a me problem.
Yes of course, so I am not sought out in that way. To make a long story short I was essentially pimped out by an at the time friend to a couple of guys who she didn’t want to sleep with and outside of that had no experience. (I was 20-21) One was literally a one night stand the other lasted two weeks and then lost interest and no longer wanted me. I was celibate (and was rejected many times) for 4 years after that before meeting my current and first and only partner. We slept together the first night we met and after that it was maybe 5 times a year, but they said they loved me and here we are 7 years later. They don’t desire me sexually but do say they love me and want me as their life partner. But with that means sex isn’t an option especially after nearly dying and becoming disabled. They just don’t see me that way anymore.
I’ve never been approached or solicited or anything like that. I’ve never had a guy ask me out on a date or even for a sleazy hookup. I’m just not desired in that way, and not for lack of effort when I was younger. It’s just no one wanted me that way.
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u/Boneyabba Aug 03 '26
I don't think you can have a meaningful conversation about this while trying to remain gentle and proper. What's the hurdle? Weight? Hygiene? Abnormal personality quirks? I'm not judging- I spent 10+ years in severe depression and did NOT take care of myself. But if you are clean and can interact in person the way you are interacting here- then this can be fixed. Every clean woman is hot to somebody. Not quite as true for men- but it's certainly TRUER than people pretend. If you are fat there are guys who are into it and YOU CAN fix it. It might be hard- but you absolutely can fix it. The fraction of society that is medically unable to maintain a healthy weight is so small it's silly. Just not easy. If your hygiene is bad let's talk about it. That can be fixed too. And reading your post and comments I simply don't believe it is your personality. Maybe you don't have "game", but that can be fixed too. So, give us the dark truths. What is the actual thing. I'll hold your hand and we will fix it together.
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
If I had to say anything, then weight. And all the things that come with it. (Skin folds, discoloration between my legs and genitals, body shape.)
Hygiene isn’t an issue (I bathe daily and brush my teeth twice a day, apply deo, etc), neither is eagerness and reciprocity. I generally handle myself well in social settings and have been called sweet/motherly/kind/nurturing/attentive by most people who have an opinion of me to share. When I did work I was mentioned for how well I treated customers and often helped where I could including with coworkers. I received internal awards for being a kind person to everyone. I’ve tried to maintain that in any facet of my life I can. That hasn’t ever drawn anyone toward me in regarded to love/sex though.
As far as weight, after my recent surgery the pounds are dropping off of me like crazy. Upwards of 60lbs in a month and a half. I’ve been told by my doctor and surgeon that various medical issues have been resolved that pertained to my high weight and now my digestive and hormones should be more regulated and I should be healthier than I have been ever in my life. I guess the medical issues were ongoing for nearly 10+ years before my insides ruptured. Unfortunately, that hasn’t changed how I’m viewed by my partner as I’m still now disabled. If anything, it’s made me more untouchable. And given what my new disability pertains to (bodily waste) I do understand why.
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u/isimplysay Aug 03 '26
Babes, let me hold your hand when I say this - you might want to consider finding a new partner. You seem incredibly lovely and are wholly deserving of a partner who gets joy from rocking your world in the bedroom. Please don't let yourself settle.
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u/winformycat Aug 04 '26
If you don't mind me saying, I think your biggest hurdle is your confidence. Fat women have sex. Disabled women have sex. Those aren't the barriers they might seem like. Have you been to therapy to talk about your self image?
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u/Boneyabba Aug 03 '26
The disability isn't that big of a deal. It is going to be okay. Talk to me about size. I want to know the category of challenge. Like, weight by itself is a hurdle, but can be overcome. How we FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF because of weight is a bigger deal. You mentioned disabled. So are we talking electric chair in Walmart? Or just "likes comfort food, dislikes exercise"? What do you like to do? What sorts of communities do you participate in? Where are you located?
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u/Wolfdreama Aug 03 '26
Can you tell us why YOU think no one wants you sexually?
I genuinely struggle to understand this because I've seen some truly unfortunate looking people who have managed to date and get married. Obese, ugly, disabled and disfigured people date all the time.
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u/budackee_10 Aug 03 '26
I think your partner is particularly dickish to have you believing you're unwanted. Colostomys aren't something that cant be worked around. You deserve more and I hope you find that satisfaction soon
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u/DrTritium Aug 03 '26
Have you ever followed GoAskAlex? She’s a prom star and disability activist with a colostomy. https://thetyee.ca/News/2023/09/05/Naked-Truths-From-Sex-Worker/
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u/EmmaBotQueen Aug 03 '26
A colostomy bag does NOT mean you can’t ever have sex again. It sounds like you have a lot of psychological/confidence issues. You should see a sex therapist, on your own and with your lacklustre partner.
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u/PerseveranceSmith Aug 03 '26
If your relationship is open to outside help I can recommend sex workers of any gender.
I'm a sex worker & many of us are familiar & 100% ok with physical disabilities, many of us also have them.
The reason I recommend this is the fact we are skilled (it's our job), understanding & accommodating of disabilities & you don't need to rely on the emotional side of getting to know someone etc.
I'm a little concerned your current partner isn't enthusiastic, was this always the way? My partner becoming disabled wouldn't affect my attraction to them at all & I'd want to help them feel comfortable & pleasurable after a bodily change.
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u/RatchetStrap2 Aug 03 '26
For what it's worth, a good friend of mine, in her 50s, had to get The Bag recently. She still has the sex life she wants, with her husband and her boyfriend and the occasional side piece. It's about the confidence that she approaches her life with.
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u/DustFlows Aug 03 '26
Look up Hannah Witton on YouTube! She has a colostomy and made sex education videos for others like her
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u/fordesc16883 Aug 03 '26
OP I know you probably don't think it but I think this relationship is doing you no favours and you should find someone who not only appreciates you but also desires you.
You've said in other posts, he prefers porn. You've also said he "jokes" about your body. Is this really the sort of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I honestly think there's so many men out there who'd worship you and desire you. And even if it means you'd be on your own, surely being alone is better than someone treating you like shit?
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u/nameiwantedwastaken1 Aug 03 '26
My wife is dating a guy with a colostomy bag - she says that it's actually a bit of a benefit because he always has a clean ass! So don't give up, and fuck anyone who tells you that you can't get your needs met.
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u/HillaryRN Aug 03 '26
There are some people who care about it and some who don’t. I have a disability and my first husband divorced me because of it, but my new husband doesn’t care at all - he loves me no matter what. He’s in his 50s, also. Sounds like a partner issue to me.
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u/Advanced_Wheel9536 Aug 03 '26
Colostomy doesn’t mean end of sex. A friend of mine just got married and had a baby. Has a colostomy bag.
It’s the head game rather than you are unattractive or not bang worthy. Take it from someone who went without sex for a long time because I had preconceived ideas in my head. I changed my mindset and suddenly I was very much someone they wanted to bang.
A colostomy bag may turn some away but they will be unworthy immature ones and you don’t really want them.
You may need to see a sex therapist possibly.
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u/Smug-Goose Aug 03 '26
I had a partner for 7 years that had an ileostomy and we had no problems with sexual activity. If sex is something that is important to you and your long term partner is thoroughly uninterested in that need, your problem may be your partner not your colostomy.
Your colostomy does not make you gross or unworthy of having your needs met.
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u/Dinmorogde Aug 03 '26
Because you have convinced yourself of something doesn’t make it true for people in this world.
It can be difficult to admit that you need help when it comes to understanding that you need help figuring things out.
You are protecting yourself from something. Your situation is all about you, not that you don’t have the right personality, not are attractive enough or have the right social skills.
Op, what exact is the reason for people not being interested in you?
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u/silverviele Aug 03 '26
I am M30 and I've had a permanent colostomy for 12 years now. It gets in the way sometimes, but that's about it. My wife has never had any problems with it personally, and our sex life has not been affected in any way.
Mine will not be getting reversed. But I do have to say, the equipment you use can make a difference. If the back is not lasting for multiple days, you have a risk of leakage, or even if it's clear and see through, there is better and different equipment out there. If its see through, I understand the issues with grossness, but they make skin colored cloth covered opaque bags that mostly just blend in against your body. As others have said, they also make belts that hold it closer to your body to keep it out of the way as well. Honestly, I just clip my to the barrier and it stays there for the few minutes we get up to something.
With any of these changes, you should be with someone that doesn't put you down over something you can't control. Your partner should be supportive and love you despite the bag.
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u/irlystealteeth Aug 03 '26
I'm so sorry. Nothing about a colostomy means you can't have sex. I'm a nurse, plenty of people with ostomies have sex. It sounds like your "partner" wants a friend, not a relationship. You deserve someone who loves you entirely and I hope your healing goes well.
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u/strayorms Aug 03 '26
Isn’t there a saying about doing the same thing and expecting different results
Clearly your not getting what you want sexually out of this relationship you want what you want they aren’t giving it go find it seriously people shouldn’t need the internet to tell them commonsense
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u/Optimixto Aug 03 '26
Dropping by to say that common sense is named like that as mockery. It doesn't exist, and we should help each other without so much judgment. Much love to you and OP.
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
I don’t have a desire to seek someone else out, if that makes sense? After 7 years I very much love my partner and want them in that way all the time, but it’s never been what they want from me, they’re comfortable with porn, so it’s on me to figure out how to navigate this as the “undesired” in the relationship.
It’s more complex than common sense when it’s long term and having a family/home/pets/etc are involved. I’m trying to think with more with my mind than my cooch.
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u/walts_skank Aug 03 '26
You don’t see it as a red flag that your partner would rather utilize porn over taking care of your needs? I’ve been in this boat before, you need to either shut it down or leave. I mean that respectfully. Your partner SHOULD NOT be choosing porn over you.
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u/hollyofhori Aug 03 '26
I’m not very experienced even at my age and this is actually my first relationship so forgive me if I’m ill informed. (Started when I was 24.)
But I was under the impression that everyone is different and has a different libido and desires and that as their partner it’s my job never to pressure or shame them for their wants/needs/kinks as long as nothing is illegal or violent? Which would include preferring porn, because I can’t look like that/do the things they desire? I don’t know if that makes sense. I guess the “No is a full sentence” comes to my mind and the answer is often (always) no on their end so I try to be as accepting and understanding as possible like a good partner should be? I think. I hope.
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u/walts_skank Aug 03 '26
You’re absolutely right in that “no is a complete sentence” but it is clearly affecting your self esteem and how you see yourself. And honestly, no person should prefer porn over the person that are with. It’s fake af and the connection yall supposedly have is real.
All in all, if that aren’t fulfilling needs you have, it’s incompatibility and it’s time to leave. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s not going to change unless you change it.
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u/the_cripple Aug 03 '26
No is absolutely a complete sentence—but it’s also for you. You can say no to being in a sexually unsatisfying relationship.
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u/futherup Aug 03 '26
I guess the question is like, why are they with you if they aren’t attracted to you? You don’t have to be pressuring or shaming anyone to recognize that you might be incompatible, and it sounds like they’re telling you it’s just *you* they’re not attracted to, they haven’t had this issue with past partners. Obviously some folks are asexual, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but your partner isn’t saying that, they’re saying sex is important to them and has been part of past relationships, you’re just not what they want. I’m getting the vibe that you may have a significant trauma history and maybe some self-esteem problems because of it?
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u/Optimixto Aug 03 '26
No, that first paragraph is absolute trash. With all the love, OP, it is trash because it is untrue. You aren't undesirable, and your partner not caring about your sexual and intimacy needs is not trivial. You only have one life, and you're resigning yourself to a dead bedroom... What is tying you two together? People have coparented kids, coowned pets, sold houses, and all that. It isn't just the sex, I couldn't stay with a partner like that, 7 years or 50.
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u/Loud-Tomorrow1259 Aug 03 '26
I had an ileostomy for 9 weeks. During that period my partner and I had regular sex. We would just loosely wrap an ace bandage around me to hold it steady and keep it from swinging around.
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u/InstanceLower4163 Aug 03 '26
They have lingerie that can help with that. It keeps the bag hidden and tucked away tight while still helping to feel sexy. Look it up. There’s lots of options.
I’m a nurse so I see these all the time. They are not gross. Someone who has a problem with it is immature. Sure, it will take some getting used to, but it’s something you should be able to work through together with a supportive person.
If u only had sex 35 times and with someone for 7 years, what’s the reason for this? Is it medical? Is it painful? I feel like there’s missing parts to your story. I only ask to help get an idea of why there has been so little sex for you aside from the ostomy.
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u/dgo792 Aug 03 '26
As a man I don't think that'd stop me from wanting to have sex, honestly. Not much would. As long as it doesn't hurt for you, of course, but that doesn't seem to be the problem.
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u/nsfdrag Aug 03 '26
Plenty of people don't let colostomies get in the way of their sex lives. I know it's always a possibility for me in my future with crohns and UC but my gf said she's "definitely not letting a front mount poop bag get in the way" lol so there is always someone out there for you.
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u/IHeartStuffLegoFluff Aug 03 '26
So, everyone is fuckable. Some people have an easier time finding partners, but someone who actually loves and cares about you will want to give you pleasure.
As others have suggested I also recommend therapy, if you arent already in it. If you feel like its not helping now or hasn't in the past you may just need to find a new therapist. You may have to try a few till you find one that clicks. That is a common thing to have to try a few before finding the right one.
Nothing is wrong with you. You (as a person) are not broken or unlovable.
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u/MarielIAm Aug 03 '26
I completely understand how you feel. I am in a similar situation, although I do not have the health issues that you do. Everyone here is well-meaning, but no one seems to understand that there are just certain people in this world like us that are not attractive to others. It is sometimes difficult to bear but life is about a lot more than sex.
Long ago I realized that it is better to be alone with some semblance of happiness than to be with someone who makes you miserable. You are much better off without this person in your life. This person is bringing you down and not fulfilling your physical or emotional needs. It's time to let go of that relationship.
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u/PsychoFaerie Aug 03 '26
I know someone who has a colostomy because of Chrons and she's married with kids.
they even make lingerie that's compatable with colostomies.
If someone truly loves you and cares for you the colostomy won't bother them.
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u/NovelTeach Aug 05 '26
From your comments it seems like you’ve convinced yourself that love overrides physical needs. You have let your partner dictate your relationship into a mostly platonic friendship that pretends it’s intimate. They don’t go out of their way to make you feel desirable, or desired. I’m wondering, if you were to stop dating this person, and just remained friends, what would change?
You’re only 30. You can do so much better in a relationship, even with a disability. There is no reason for you to accept that your sex life is done, because it doesn’t need to be.
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u/RuruBrejka Aug 03 '26
As an absolute eater i feel the other way around because i had most of girls who turned down oral sex from me, it all comes to RNG of matching certain values with other people
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u/LastSummerRose Aug 03 '26
I don’t have much advice to give except a few things. One you are not gross, unfuckable, or broken! People with ostomy bags can still have sex, I’ve watched a few videos of a lady who was pregnant a few times with hers! Your partner sounds like the main issue when it comes to sex. My husband is 45 and has no issues with having sex, so it sounds like you and your partner are not a good match even from early on in the relationship. I would definitely have a conversation (if you haven’t already) with your partner about why he doesn’t want to have sex and why it always seems to be “hurry up and get it over with”. That will help you get more insight into that area of your relationship and whether you spoils consider leaving and finding someone else. I say this and I tell a lot of people to leave their partners at all, and I’m not saying you need to leave your partner but it doesn’t seem like you are happy and that can have a detrimental affect of your mental, emotional and physical health and wellbeing.
The next advice I would give you, is get yourself into individual therapy to work on the way you think about yourself and your disability. I don’t have an ostomy bag but I’m a recently late diagnosed AuDHD, I suspect I have hypermobile Ehlors Danlos Syndrome, and a lot more, so I have my own issues and therapy has been a huge help. I also listen to a lot of self help books sprinkled in with my regular books I listen to. I’m struggling with figuring out my autistic and ADHD symptoms, triggers, and where I’m different from regular people and it’s mindfuck even in my own marriage of almost 22 years. My husband is an amazing man, father and husband and is extremely supportive. Without that support and love I would be even more miserable. If you feel like your partner is truly the one you want to stay with even after learning whatever you do from the sex conversation with them, I would also recommend couples therapy. Basically everyone and their mother should be in therapy, as it’s not just for people with issues.
Now as far as the advice for sex or lack thereof, do you have sex toys? I’m talking maybe a few different ones. A rabbit would be good as it’s a dildo that goes inside of you with rabbit ears that vibrate on the clitoris. Not knowing what other mobility issues or health issues you have you could get a bullet vibrator or a wand to stimulate your clitoris and a separate wand that goes inside to get your g-spot. There are the clit suckers and ones that are air pulsation ones it just depends on the sensation you need or want. These would allow you to satisfy that need solo for the time being or even with your current or future partner. Toys are an integral part of my and my husband’s sex life and they always will be.
If you decide to leave your partner to find someone better suited and matched for you, there are men out there who don’t care about the medical issues and will love you just the way you are. There are tons kinks and fetishes out there pertaining to just about everything including medical things, and you just haven’t met the right person. Unless your doctor has told you explicitly you should not have sex or do certain things, then you are not unfuckable nor unlovable! But the love has to start with you loving and accepting yourself as you are. That includes loving yourself sexually solo if that’s what it takes. Teach your body that you are all the things you want and love and it will attract the love and attention you desire with someone. Shine so bright you’re a beacon and call to the correct person!
Good luck and I hope you can see the love and goodness in yourself to be happy!
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u/saabatage Aug 03 '26
My wife has a spc and very recently has had a colostomy fitted, I still find her unbelievable attractive and although I’m giving her time to adjust and come to terms with her new situation, I hasn’t deterred me in the slightest when it comes to any sexual activity.
I think the hardest part is what’s in your mind and how you feel and that’s valid and only time, support and reassurance from your partner will matter.
Hoping all goes well for you guys
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u/Queen_V_17 Aug 03 '26
love, I have seen people who look like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down and I know they are getting laid on the regular by their equally unfortunate looking partner. every lock has a key! maybe you just haven’t found yours? please don’t call yourself unfuckable as I HIGHLY doubt that’s true.
ps - I’ve seen some ppl on social media who have colostomy bags and active sex lives. some put a cute cover on it during intimacy. just a thought. 💗
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u/anxwety Aug 03 '26
although i dont think i can help you much, i can say, and feel inclined to, that colostomies are not gross??? its not like the bag plays a role in sex, and its just a human thing, as much human as sex is
people lick eachother everywhere and anywhere without knowing them, people have sex unprotected with complete strangers, people literally contract serious diseases through irresponsible decisions regarding sex life - all of this having the means and knowledge to do better
all of the above is truly GROSS
so please dont think that! you may feel like that bcs its your reality >right now< but i swear to god this is just not true, someone is going to prove you wrong
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u/throwherinthewell Aug 03 '26
I don't have time to read through the comments atm, but just wanted to say: my friend used to have a colostomy bag and the dudes still loved her! Don't give up! It doesn't mean the end to your sex life!
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u/FrozenMargaritaCore Aug 03 '26
he is the problem, not you. you're fuckable, believe it yourself first (sexy pics, explore yourself) and then go find the guys that think so too. whatever you do, ditch him.
also your sex life isn't over, it's just starting. apparently women tend to have the best sex of their lives in their 40s and 50s. set yourself up for success so you can have a shit ton of fun then
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u/lindybopperette Aug 04 '26
I would fuck a person with a colostomy in a heartbeat, provided they make me laugh and know where my clit is.
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u/rihannonblack Aug 04 '26
This may be TMI but people who regularly have anal sex are getting actual poop on their actual body some of the time and find a way to just get over it. You deserve good sex and there are people out there who will absolutely do that with you.
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u/DoctorMunster Aug 04 '26
Regarding the colostomy, look up Hannah Witton she is/was a sex educator on YouTube who has colostomy bag and I think shes been very open about her sexual experience with it. Shes had a kid and it seems like she has a healthy sex life with her partner. I would check out her videos and maybe ask in her community for other people with colostomy bags.
Regarding you feeling unfuckable. You gotta get out of this relationship if its not fulfilling and find another partner who will fulfill you sexually and emotionally. Also getting some therapy for a healthier view of yourself would likely help. You have all my love and well wishes I hope things turn around for you.
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u/trappersinc Aug 05 '26
Is there something else other than the bag like have you seen his exs are they comparable to you like in body shape (men usually have a type) have you gained or lost alot of weight since dealing with your health issues. Also are you waiting for him to initiate or are you initiating. All of these could be affect what is going on but I can help give you a make perspective if you woukd like
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u/Purple-Bite1804 Aug 05 '26
So my wife had to have a temporary bag, yes, it was a lot for both of use to get used to. And then trying to stop all the unpleasant thought of “what if” or being more concern of the bag and if it was staying in place.
In the end, she found some crotchless lingerie, and modified some booty shorts that put us both at easy.
Sorry you are going through this on all accounts. Maybe he isn’t Mr Right for you. Don’t ever think you have to settle for this type of relationship or that you can’t do any better. Because you can, you just got to believe in yourself.
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u/prismaticbeans Aug 03 '26
I've had an ostomy since I was 19 (technically 3 of them, just never more than two at one time 😅) I've had a couple of long term partners who did not mind. We were swingers for a bit, and there were people who didn't mind there too. There are still people out there who will be interested.
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u/Pandora9802 Aug 03 '26
My frenemy in college had a colostomy bag. I thought she was the most sexy, put together person I’d ever met. I’ve since met other hot, put together people. But her colostomy was not who she was. It was a thing she dealt with.
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u/crab_ragoon Aug 03 '26
Hey! My mom has a permanent colostomy so I feel I can speak on this a little. You deserve to be loved no matter how your body looks. They make colostomy bag covers and fanny packs to help you "hide them" if that would help with regaining your confidence. Go shopping and get some outfits that help you feel good again. Just because you don't go to the restroom the same way doesn't mean you're not worthy, sexy, funny, amazing, and lovely just as you are. A disability might change the way you live a little bit, you might need to change it before getting active with a partner or have a conversation with them about positions that are comfortable, how they can grab you, etc. It's going to be rocky because you are relearning your body like a teenager again but don't be ashamed of your colostomy. It is a thing helping you live!
There's also a lot of people on social that are basically colostomy influencers that help normalize these things. I'd recommend checking them out! I know seeing other people with a bag helped my mom a lot.
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u/Obviouslynameless Aug 04 '26
Humans in general need physical intimacy whether it's hugs, touch, or sex it's vital to our mental and emotional well-being.
I was in a relationship where the physical intimacy was close to nonexistent. Being rejected by the person who supposedly loved me, caused depression and other issue. Thankfully, I realized the issue and ended the relationship.
If you aren't getting your basic needs met, why stay in that relationship.
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u/chiyukichan Aug 04 '26
My heart hurts for you that you are not loved in the way you wish to be loved. Your disability might limit dating, but there are really cool people out there still who won't just fixate on the disability. You don't have to settle for your current situation.
My husband is in a wheelchair and can't walk. His medical issues make toilet stuff kind of a daily conversation and interaction with us which is not sexy. But when we do get around to sex it is legit the best I've ever had. I feel so desired and cared for and I hope I make him feel that way too. If you haven't already maybe check out some of the disability subreddits to see how others manage with similar conditions.
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u/Luckyluke23 Aug 04 '26
well firstly. Who says it's gross?
One man's limit is another man's kink?
But secondly. It's about communication and having a partner who can make you feel and look sexy even when you aren't feeling it.
It's about trying things and seeing what works and what doesn't. Patience is the key here. Don't overdo it. Go slow and see what works.
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u/xGods_Gracex Aug 04 '26
Obviously idk you, or your partner, so I’m not trying to shit on them but I think life is too short to be with someone like that.
You’ll never fully accept it, you’ll never have a “zen” like moment where you’re just suddenly okay with never being pleased or wanted.
My wife and I were 3 months into our relationship and I gave her an enema bc she was constipated to the point of either enema works, or we go to the ER. I obviously wanted to help but as far as attraction, I was just happy to get to see her naked. During her pregnancy I showered her every night from month 4 on, she could do it at first I just kept offering because it’s an excuse to touch her. I’m obsessed with that woman, on a pheromone level. Like “full weirdo her sweat turns me on” vibe.
Not saying any of that is as tough as managing self confidence and desire with a colostomy but my point is it shouldn’t matter. Everyone deserves to be loved and wanted and desired.
Idk the situation but i noticed you said recent medical events, but you’ve been with your partner for 7 years and done it a few dozen times. So unless the colostomy was from before the recent medical events, it sounds like this has been a thing for a while.
Colostomy or not he doesn’t seem to be giving you the attention you deserve.
There’s no such thing as “people just don’t see me that way” and it’s really sad (as in I feel empathetic to what you must have endured to slowly convince yourself of that, not sad as in pathetic) that you’ve been lead to believe and accepted that.
You’re 30, you obviously know from the recent medical events (whatever they may be) that we could die any day, don’t spend what could be your last day feeling like that.
“Stuck in his ways” is an excuse to not have to change and that’s not how a healthy relationship works.
You deserve more, and I hope you find it! Good luck whatever happens ❤️
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u/Belfastchild1974 Aug 04 '26
If you want it to happen, there are still ways. But for people who are in a steady relationship with someone with whom it doesn't happen these options are not always desirable. So it's really mostly about what you really want. If you are 30 and have been in a relationship with someone for 7 years and not really been desired by your partner, and had sex less than 5 times per year, while you had quite a high sex drive, I feel also it would be worth considering if the relationship is right for you.
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u/sporadicjesus Aug 04 '26
Looked this over and I have to chime in. Your disability is a handicap but you are not paralyzed.
Do not let your body waste away. You can lift weights and muscle training will work better than cardio for you.
And dont think you'll end up looking manly with a bunch of muscle, you'd have to train like crazy AND take steroids for that to happen. No amount of training will make a woman look less awesome if they dont take PED.
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u/lexi_g17 26d ago
This has nothing to do with your ostomy, and everything to do with self esteem and being with a shitty partner :(
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u/Past-Board-2202 19d ago
I literally was just reading a reddit thread about people with colostomies and how they manage sex. It’s very possible and you’d be surprised how little people care. There might be some small things you can do that help you walk into it more confidently (ex: pre-cleaning, wearing a nice bag/cover that makes you feel sexy, techniques to reduce the bag’s movement to reduce the chance of leaking) and you can learn more about these in the colostomy communities.
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u/Shirovkap 15d ago
I am in healthcare and I know for a fact that having a colostomy doesn't preclude you from having sex. At all. Maybe your partner is not attracted to you, but there will be others who are attracted to you.
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Post title:
Genuine advice to accept that sex (especially oral) will never happen again for me? Unsure how to move forward.
I’m 30f. Sex has never been something anyone really wanted from me and now, after recent medical events, it’s become obvious sex will never happen again for me.
I’ve slept with 3 people my whole life. (1 one night stand, 1 two week hook up, and my current relationship of 7years. Had sex less than 35 times total between all 3.) It’s always been something I really wanted but it just didn’t happen for me, I’m just not someone people want to bang. And that’s okay! Not everything is about that, but as someone who always thought about sex and even idolized the idea of it, I feel like I’ve missed out a huge part of my life. I’ve never been given oral (despite being pretty obsessed with it), I’ve never came from penetration or fingers, and in the few dozen times I’ve slept with my partner it was very much a get it over with as soon as possible situation for them.
I realize this is an individual problem and I need advice on where to go from here. I’m willing to accept the fact I’m just not someone who is wanted that way, and now with a colostomy I’m trying to figure out how to handle these feelings and negate the want to be wanted as I’m now beyond unfuckable with this sort of disability. (It’s pretty gross so be warned if you look it up.)
I hope this doesn’t break sub rules as I need genuine individual advice for how to handle sex (or lack of it) going forward for the rest of my life. I don’t know where else to ask, if there are better suited communities for this, please share! Thank you so much.
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