r/sex • u/peachesbutno_creme • Jul 05 '25
I can't find a flair that fits I wanted casual sex , it happened and now I'm feeling completely....like a shell of a person
Casual Sex
For the longest I've been wanting to get laid casually and just feel so desired and wanted. And well that happened.
I matched with a guy on Tinder today, we met up and the vibe right away was just like amazing. we went to the beach and we went swimming . it was so much fun. then we went back to like his Airbnb (he's from California and he's only here for one more day , so we were both on the same page about a one night stand )
we ordered food, he put on a movie and you know a little dance happened with him wanting me to get closer, me being shy blah blah blah.
but then he kissed me and it was just like fireworks went off in my stomach. it was perfect he did everything right, the way he touched me, the way he was like super reassuring, the way he cared about like my orgasm ..it was just all really good. we had sex that was nice also , cause I didn't know him that well so it wasn't rough or kinky the way it would be with someone I've known longer.
but somehow after i I still feel like I went through some type of drop. and I know with BDSM you go through subdrop, but this was plain jane regular vanilla sex. and like a drop happened.
he gave me aftercare and we cuddled for a good 2 hours and he talked to me and like made sure everything was okay and he wanted to make sure he didn't do anything wrong which I thought was really sweet.
and I just straight up told him that I just felt kinda slutty , we sat in silence and he kissed my forehead. eventually I told him I have to go and I left, got home, took a shower , then made myself a cup of tea.
he messaged me I haven't replied back yet. I think I'm just feeling so empty and hollow, like something is missing and I don't know what. like my chest feels heavy, I thought I wanted to cry but I don't really want to cry. I just feel completely off. so now I'm just thinking maybe casual sex isn't for me. I know I don't want a relationship, and I don't want like anything serious with anyone.. but maybe I need more to it than casual sex and I don't know what it is that's missing for me.
I guess I'm just wondering what kinda drop did I possibly go through? like what is it called and just any advice or support on what it is I could possibly be missing ? I've been wanting to get slide it out for like 2 months now that it happened I kind of I don't want to say hate myself but I don't know..
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Jul 05 '25
It's called Sad. That 'drop' you can't put your finger on?
You feel sad. That's all. It sucks, but that's essentially what it is. Sad, with extra hormones.
You liked the guy and had a great time and you had all the connect-y bond-y intimate feelings and chemicals that can come with having great sex and now it's over and you feel Sad, because it isn't going to continue.
Yes sex can feel intimate and important even when you intend it to be casual. And yes that can make you feel the big sads after , or feel bad for doing it casually when it turns out you felt more than you meant to.
It's OK to recognise that while you wanted casual fun you reacted more strongly to it and maybe casual isn't for you.
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u/GarethH-1986 Jul 05 '25
I was wondering this too. By OP’s write up it sounds like, despite her self awareness of not wanting a relationship, that with how much she is rhapsodizing this encounter - everything right, so sweet etc. - that it might have brought up some feelings for the guy and now she’s sad she won’t see him again. This was always my worry within myself too and why I never went for casual sex despite the urge when I was single - I know I get attached.
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u/Dreamajor Jul 05 '25
Yes, this is what I thought may have happened too. It has happened to me (a man). One occasion, with a beautiful intelligent sophisticated woman about a decade older than I was, who it turned out was dying of cancer.
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u/scorpioinheels Jul 05 '25
I did this once in 2018. It was the best sex of my life, at the time. Everything about him seemed perfectly perfect - flirting, laughing, exchanging the “where have you been all my life?” comments…. and then I SLAMMED on the brakes because I caught feelings after round 2. He was uncomfortable because as far as he was concerned, he covered all of the bases and tried his best not to send mixed signals. The flirting was too good, the cuddling was too perfect - and the cherry on top was mind-blowing sex.
Needless to say, he stuck to his word and kept it moving - he didn’t want me to hurt so he cut me loose. In retrospect, I appreciate him for it. I’d much rather be told than have to work through all of the “what ifs” and “what is actually happening” on my own.
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u/time_to_set_the_mood Jul 05 '25
As a guy that also love to cuddle a lot after casual sex.. it's just something that most of my partners enjoy the most BUT also the part that makes them feel the most vulnerable.. Some of them had partners that didn't take the time for aftercare, for the sweetness and safe space that they now have and with a total stranger too.. this feeling can screw up your convictions on past relationship too..
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u/Yourmom4736251 Jul 05 '25
Omg we’ll definitely let him know how appreciative you are of all he did for you and that it was great. Then just say that you don’t think casual sex is for yoy
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u/alwaysananomaly Jul 05 '25
This, OP! Don't let him feel guilty or like he's taken advantage or done something wrong. It's ok that casual is not for you - it's not for everyone and that's cool. But don't let him overthink it because you don't reply.
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
once I felt somewhat regulated , i replied back to him ! we talked for a while.
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u/GreggJ Jul 05 '25
And how did the conversation go? Any other insights or things you learned about yourself once you felt stable?
How do you feel right now? I ask all this bc something like this happened to me last night. And I'm kind of going through the same thing heh.
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
the conversation went well !
i learned more things about myself but I don't really feel like discussing them on here honestly.
i did some journaling last night and got everything out so I actually feel solid, lighter right now. if that make sense.
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u/Aegis10200 Jul 05 '25
I agree with this. There are enough creeps, idiots, masculinists, aggressive and the like men around here. When you meet a decent person, let them know :)
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u/cloverwitch Jul 05 '25
Yeah, it seems like he did everything right. She found out it wasn't for her, and that's ok. It would really suck if he felt guilt or blamed himself for something that wasn't his fault.
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u/EventHorizonHotel Jul 05 '25
I think the idea of casual sex is exciting but anytime I have actually had it, I feel just like you did afterwards. I need to feel some sort of connection with someone, like we care for each other on some level, not just a warm body to have sex with. It’s just unfulfilling to me. So I think you found out something important about yourself and that’s good.
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u/AsphaltQbert Jul 05 '25
I echo this. It’s so much better when it is someone you have time and connection and friendship with. I used to think I wanted casual but it’s really not me.
I can relate to feeling shame. I found out it’s under a lot of things for me. Years of learning how to not be hard on myself and still learning, but so much better. Learning to love and accept ourselves is the work of a lifetime, but what a joy to find some centeredness and truth in ourselves as we grow.
While guilt is a voice that says we did something bad, shame is a sense that we are something bad.
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u/Smash_4dams Jul 05 '25
Sounds like there was definitely connection. This is a best-case scenario for a ONS.
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u/feckingelf Jul 05 '25
don’t overthink it, you just don’t enjoy casual sex, and that’s okay
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
i have such a bad habit of falling into an overthinking web .
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u/LucasUnplugged Jul 05 '25
I'm curious: what about a serious relationship do you not want? Is it that you don't want to be with a partner, or more like you're burnt out from serious dating going poorly (been there)?
Or put another way, if you could magically wake up tomorrow with a loving life partner who is really caring, emotionally intelligent, and just about perfect for you in general, would you want that?
I ask because if you would want it, then it aligns with your experience here: deep down, you're someone who needs connection, and you might be letting your burnout cloud what your nervous system needs.
Does that make sense?
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
i lost who I was / my independence in my last relationship . and then the breakup emotionally and mentally destroyed me. it took 2 years for me to find myself , independence , be okay and be comfortable being alone . because I've been in relationships since I was 16, I'm in my high 20s now.
im finally at the place where I don't really want anyone in my space long term. i don't wanna be tethered to another person . relationships are exhausting and I just can't see myself dealing with that anytime soon.
& that sounds nice , but I genuinely do not want that.
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u/GarethH-1986 Jul 05 '25
I have been there. I recognize myself SO much in this comment and I think it explains the issue. You are NOT yet 100% over your ex, or at least not over the trauma he caused you. Literally everything you write - losing your sense of self, a really bad break up, all of that was my situation too. Add to that her cheating on me multiple times and somehow managing to make me believe it was MY fault for it too…
But the way you say you don’t want anyone “in your space”, that’s what I said too. And here’s the thing - that phrase is very specific and is very defensive; which makes sense. In my experience I was the same as you - didn’t want a relationship. In fact I actively lost a friend because of it. She wanted to “hang out” at my place (a studio at the time - so bed in the living room). She was lying on my bed all afternoon while I was sat on a chair across the room. Eventually she got up and left and never spoke to me again. I just thought we were hanging out as friends…because I didn’t want a relationship so wasn’t thinking about the possibility at all. Then I met my wife. She was clear from the get go she had feelings for me and that SCARED me. I actually turned her down. Thankfully she understood and we remained friends, but it showed me that despite my constant saying I was fine and over my ex, I was NOT over all the sh*t she pulled on me. I was still SO scared of a repeat performance and lost confidence in my ability to pick a decent partner. Thankfully my wife is patient and stayed consistently a very close friend until I was ready to try dating again.
All this to say, that I think everything you went through with your ex may have left some deeper scars than you thought. I applaud your self awareness and the work you have done on yourself thus far but it sounds like there is more to do.
You even say that what the previous commenter describes “sounds nice” so part of you does want that.
At least now you know one thing for sure - casual sex isn’t for you. It wasn’t for me either so I get you on that too.
The right relationship - or at least a healthy one is not going to be “exhausting”.
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u/LucasUnplugged Jul 05 '25
That's fair. Sorry you had to go through those experiences — that sounds absolutely awful.
Then yeah, just try to find a relational structure that aligns with your feelings and your wellbeing. Sounds like ONSes aren't it.
Maybe a FWB?
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u/The_Bucket_Of_Truth Jul 05 '25
Sounds like you have more processing and therapy to work through with your past. Also, does you feeling bad about what you did have anything to do with shame? You said to this person you feel "slutty." Do you feel like you did something wrong? Do you feel like you should be happier about it all? I've had this happen to me where the post nut clarity kicks in and you realize you had sex with a stranger and then ask yourself if it was even that good or all really worth it. But usually if I have a great time I don't go through that. But also don't beat yourself up about it. Connecting with people is tough sometimes, whether you have sex with them or not.
Keep in mind your view of relationships is very jaded and cynical. You've been colored by your awful experiences. And of course your first time having "meaningless" sex wasn't what you were looking for because you are used to having a strong connection with someone and then the safety of security of being in a relationship and them "loving" you or whatever was going on. It's unfortunate that your actual relationship(s) or parter(s) gave you issues. Sounds like this person did everything right, but it's still okay for you to feel hollow afterward. Sounds like it was an important experience to hold up a mirror to you and let you know you still have some work to do to get what you want.
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u/coffeeorgtfo Jul 05 '25
Hey there, I'll reply because I've been in a somewhat similar place, except that I'm older and that last relationship was longer.
I also had sex with an extremely caring person, and like you I couldn't see myself n a relationship at the moment.
I chose to continue with the casual sex because apart from the manic "drop" everything was great. Now I kind of anticipate and expect the drop and live with it, and it gets less every time, partially because my life has expanded and I have other places to get my oxytocin, and partially because I feel more secure now that more fun times are ahead of me with my partner. I feel less fear of losing him /the sex.
Anyway I wanted to tell you about my experience, because everyone on here is saying that casual sex is not for you. And I wanted to offer you another perspective.
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u/ultrahedgehog Jul 05 '25
It's amazing to me how people would rather bend over backwards trying to convince you that you're wrong about what you want than just accept you at your word that you want to be unpartnered.
Not wanting a partner, at this time or ever, is 100% valid!
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u/Dreamajor Jul 05 '25
You know what? You might enjoy group or unicorn sex, at a trusted sex club or house party. It’s not as out there as it may sound. The action is usually less personal and kept on a lighter emotional plane. But do some local research and get some advice from another woman who has some good experience. Of course, it may turn out that it’s just not for you.
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u/NoWin3930 Jul 05 '25
sounds like you dont just want casual sex and prefer more
or have an unspoken, negative bias towards casual sex
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Jul 05 '25
This is why I think casual sex is kind of a lie. people say they’re okay with it, but deep down, most aren’t wired to separate physical intimacy from emotional need.
If sex is "just sex," then why does it leave people feeling like they’ve been emotionally hit by a truck?
I think hookup culture gives people short-term thrills and long-term confusion.
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u/Low1980 Jul 05 '25
Hey! Well, it's not a sub drop in my opinion, but who cares, you did have some drop, and it made you feel shit, and that's never good now is it!
I just straight up told him that I just felt kinda slutty
I think that's the main issue. That's quite a negative label to put on yourself, and the question is why did you feel that way? It sounds that emotionally and/or morally you feel that you did something wrong, so why was it wrong for you to feel that way?
I guess I'm just wondering what kinda drop did I possibly go through?
Sounds like it's just regret, whether that's valid or not. Is it the same feeling as regret you have in normal every day life when you did something you really regret and you get that feeling of heavyness in your torso, your breathing feels heavy and with every breath you feel like you're closer to crying but you don't want to acknowledge that strong emotion? If so, that's basically how humans respdon to regret.
So, on some level you regret this interaction, even though you wanted it, and you enjoyed it. You need to figure out why you feel that way, and evolve from that or come to terms with it. Good luck!
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u/NSFWburner4me Jul 05 '25
I think a friends with benefits kind of relationship would fit you best in this kind of situation. You want someone that’s just more than casual but not someone that either party has expectations.
Being that you don’t want a relationship but casual sex doesn’t work for you either, that might be the route to go with someone you trust and have a standing relationship with.
Or just buy a Rose and problem solved
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Jul 05 '25
[deleted]
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
my ex ruined the rose for me. but definitely maybe some other toy
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u/NSFWburner4me Jul 05 '25
Your ex sounds like the worst person ever smh
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
what he did was pretty cruel so I would say yes, worst person
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u/NSFWburner4me Jul 05 '25
Care to share? I’m curious
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
we had like a terrible breakup and he's someone who's like really petty and all that shit .
so he ended up sending me a video of him using the rose on the girl that he left me for. everything he did and said to her he basically did with me so it just sent me into like an emotional turmoil and I haven't been able to use the rose since.
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u/NSFWburner4me Jul 05 '25
That would make complete sense as to why you can’t. I don’t care how bad things end there’s no way I would ever send a video of me with another women to my ex. Ever, not in a million years.
I know I’m sorry doesn’t fix or help anything but just know I’m sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that.
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Jul 05 '25
I was going to say this too and they dont have to see eachother often either
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u/NSFWburner4me Jul 05 '25
Yeah really is the happy medium of what OP is looking for
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Jul 05 '25
I hope op finds what she's looking for, though it sounded like it was a fun night despite the overthinking. Thank goodness she got to experience it in a healthy way.
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u/NSFWburner4me Jul 05 '25
Agreed completely. Dating is a shit show a days but I sure do miss my one night stands/casual sex. Even the not so great ones lol
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Jul 05 '25
I have never done anything like that, but im in an open marriage cause im a cuckquean. My husband sleeps with random women from bars or parties. So far, he's had one night stands with 4 women and never exchanged contacts with them, I was present for most of the hook ups. So the dating scene seems pretty difficult to navigate through, I've been out of it for years.
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u/NSFWburner4me Jul 05 '25
Well your husband is lucky that he has a woman who enjoys that kind of lifestyle, I miss being out there like a tiger 😂
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Jul 05 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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Jul 05 '25
It's weird that she feels like she can't be honest with him. I dont think he would judge her for how she feels, but that's something she's gotta, either face or ignore.
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u/Redditseeker3 Jul 05 '25
You can think of it as an experience. Don't take it serious or think of it mistake. Leave blame yourself. Most people do it with emotion, feeling, or not. Btw, you don't have to feel something. If you really don't want.
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u/Bullshit_Jones Jul 05 '25
it’s okay if you’re not into casual sex!! i’ve had periods of my life where i am and where i am not. listen to your gut.
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u/rhinophyre Jul 05 '25
Sounds like you had the best possible (or damn close to it!) experience for a one night stand. It sucks that societal judgement of "slutty" behavior has affected your ability to enjoy it. Your body is yours, and you get to enjoy it however you want. I'm not encouraging unhealthy behavior - STDs are real, and being cautious about them is sensible - but experiences like this one are not inherently unhealthy or "bad" in any way.
If you have a therapist, you should talk to them about this. Find a way to move past the internalized judgement, and allow yourself to appreciate the positive aspects of the experience.
And AFTER that, if you still don't think this is for you, then so be it. You had a good experience, learned something about yourself, and can move on. That's a way more healthy ending than keeping this judgmental feeling bottled up.
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u/lasagnaman Jul 05 '25
It feels like people are missing the forest for the trees here. A lot of people have said you might just not be into casual sex, but to me, it doesn't seem like you had a bad time! Everything you described sounds like someone having a great time and being into casual sex. However, you mentioned afterward that
I just felt kinda slutty
This is a very strong indicator that there are other, deep-seated traumas/biases/feelings to work through (I used some strong words but please understand that it's not bad to have them! We are all humans and just learning how to navigate this world....). I would strongly suggest talking to your/a therapist to maybe pull at some of these strings and see what comes up.
tl;dr it doesn't sound like "you don't like casual sex", it sounds like you have some mental/emotional block around liking casual sex.
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
yeah I didn't have a bad time at all , it was 10/10...
i 100% agree with the mental , emotional block. & it is something I will bring up to my therapist
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u/lasagnaman Jul 05 '25
As someone who's been on this journey myself (I know I want sex and like it, but why don't I seem to be able to initiate? -> I have a ton of hangups about intimacy as it turns out), it can seem daunting at first but it's absolutely worth it. Here's wishing you the best!
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Jul 05 '25
You felt "dehumanized". Like you were just a sex object, because the sex was meaningless with someone you don't really know. No emotions, no love. Just plain sex. Maybe you just need a bit more, and thats completely okay.
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u/TieTheStick Jul 05 '25
I think you really really enjoyed yourself and caught a lot more feelings than you expected. And maybe casual sex isn't for you because it means too much.
And that's fine. I feel the same way.
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u/Chemtrail_hollywood Jul 05 '25
I think that sometimes I feel something similar to you and I’ve started to realize that I crave that feeling of being safe, and feeling seen and known by someone. and when I have casual sex, or even a fwb who I see once a week or something, it always is a stark reminder that “ohh right, this person doesn’t KNOW you like you want to feel known, and though you may have a nice connection with them, it lacks depth, and it lacks something you’re inherently longing for which is like, love I guess?
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u/frank_mania Jul 05 '25
Could be, might be, just maybe, that part of this is old grief from your last broken heart, or every broken heart, surfacing. Like it felt so good for just that one day and evening, then over, a love affair in miniature. And your unconscious is now reverberating with the feeling of past breakup(s) that its sudden end triggered.
I'm not saying the slut-shame emotions come from that. That is simple, internalized socialization that women do much better letting go of, though "let go" sounds way too simple for something that can take years.
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u/TacoStrong Jul 05 '25
I was never a one night stand guy exactly for that reason because when the deed is done you feel like crap and even lonelier, lol.
It’s just not for you and that’s ok.
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u/changelingcd Jul 05 '25
Well, there's no reason to hate yourself. You tried casual sex and I think you've realized you're really not built for it, emotionally. Lesson learned.
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u/Wilhelmxd Jul 06 '25
"but maybe I need more to it than casual sex and I don't know what it is that's missing for me."->based on your description, what you are missing is him.
Seems likly that you developed feelings for him.
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u/DConstructed Jul 05 '25
Did you like him? If so message back “you did everything right. If I were a different person it would have been a perfect time. Unfortunately I don’t think I’m a casual sex person. If I could try it the first time with someone caring and still feel sad I probably shouldn’t ever have sex without serious dating again. No idea if you would be interested in trying that. But I hope you have good things in your life either way”.
But only do this if you might want to see him again. Someone that nice might be a good boyfriend if he’s up for that.
Anyway, some people aren’t casual sex people, some are. If you’re not then don’t do it. Big hug!
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
i liked him he was sweet and attentive. and I did finally message him.
but it really was just a one night stand , hes going back to his hometown tomorrow. he was just visiting for the holidays.
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u/DConstructed Jul 05 '25
That’s a pity. For what it’s worth you experimented, harmed no one and now know that this isn’t something that makes you happy.
I can’t do it either. I somewhat envy people who can have sex just for enjoyment without feelings. But I need to like someone intensely to do it. And then I’ll feel bad if there isn’t more.
Maybe you are a bit like that too.
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Jul 05 '25
Hi! I go through this as well. When I’m ovulating and super horny, I’m not actually craving sex, I’m craving intimacy. I think casual sex can be super soul sucking and often times it’s actually not what our heart needs.
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Jul 05 '25
Honestly a dopamine drop doesn't sound out of the question here. It sounds like really good attentive sex and strong feelings of affection/connection/being cared for. A high like that may throw things off for you. I'd give things a few days to settle before you decide anything with long lasting affects to see if you re-normalize. Maybe text him a thanks or 'I had a good time' or something but be noncommittal about plans for a day or two. At least then you'll have a better idea how your body reacts to things like this
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u/peachesbutno_creme Jul 05 '25
hmm..maybe. cause it really was a fantastic high & how good he was at everything just kind of like threw me for a loop. like in a good way
so a low low followed so quickly after it was all over
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u/motherwolfed Jul 05 '25
I’m not sure how old you are, but when I first had casual sex when I was like 20, I felt exactly like you did. I felt a drop to some degree and afterwards I felt that exact same hollow feeling you described. Like I was empty and I felt like I had done something wrong. Over time, I developed more confidence within myself and realized that I’m not anything more or less for having casual sex. I am just myself and I enjoy having those commitment free moments with others during certain seasons of my life. Always being safe of course!!
You’re okay for feeling how you’re feeling it will pass!! Find power in feeling “slutty” if you so choose and if you don’t like feeling that way then it’s okay to not do it again.
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u/One_Arm4148 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
Because something is missing, hook up culture is not it 🚫. I will never understand how people can just give themselves away to a random or friend with benefits. It’s settling for less. There is no spiritual connection, no depth or meaning other than getting off. Even kissing means something. I will never just kiss someone unless he means something important to me. You’re exchanging sacred energy and no way am I sharing that unless there’s love involved.
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Jul 05 '25
It's not settling for less people like to explore before being with someone or realizing they don't want to be committed to anyone. Don't shame people for different lifestyle dynamics. Hook up culture isn't for everyone. it's not for me, but it is for others, and there's nothing wrong with that as long as everyone is on the same page and practicing safe sex.
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u/The_Bucket_Of_Truth Jul 05 '25
It's okay for you to hold this view but just because you don't know someone well doesn't mean you can't have a connection. Most one night stands are just two strangers meeting in a motel room and going to town from the first minute.
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u/volvavirago Jul 05 '25
Yep, been there, done that. Glad I experienced it so I know better now, I am never doing it again.
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u/RedwoodRespite Jul 05 '25
You don’t like casual sex.
That’s all. It’s not that deep. I don’t get anything out of it either.
Learning ourselves sexually is a journey. One you are currently on. Listen to your body. And make your future choices accordingly.
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u/Think_please Jul 05 '25
It’s your first casual experience ever and you are coming out of a significant breakup and it sounds like you ended up liking the casual guy more than you anticipated? No surprise that you had some feelings, all of these things can make you emotional.
Also, real relationships start from casual hookups all the time. If you like him more than you expected shoot your shot and see if he reciprocates. At the very least he’ll probably be flattered.
And give yourself some credit for experimenting and expanding your horizons. Even if casual isn’t something for you in the long run at least you know that now. It also might be more in your wheelhouse at different times of your life.
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u/OhSillyDays Jul 05 '25
Two things.
First, slut shaming is a thing. It sounds like you felt shame. Shame is a good emotion to feel if you were in danger. Were with someone who would hurt you? Were you in a place to get pregnant? If the answer is no for both, than it would be interesting to you to figure out where the shame comes from. You already mentioned talking to your therapist. That's a good idea. Also, it might be deep seated, especially if you grew up religious where we were taught abstinence and purity. Both are mostly bullshit.
Two, feeling good results in feeling terrible. Always. If you had a wonderful night, you will almost always feel terrible the next day. It's brain chemistry. Embrace it. Maybe that's part of why you felt terrible the next day.
Otherwise, don't worry about it too much. People who've had a lot of sex are more fun than those that haven't.
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u/Dependent-Departure7 Jul 05 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
I just want to let you know, you aren't alone. The same thing happened to me and lowkey it made me question my entire sexuality as I thought of knew it (I discovered I'm demisexual rather than just bi, I had no idea demisexuality even existed before then). It was amazing sex, but after he went home I felt scared, I felt torn, I felt used, I slut shamed myself.
Your drop feelings are valid, please remember that. Definitely reply to the guy to tell him you had a great time with him! He sounds like a wonderful guy to spend time with and did everything right. Whatever else you disclose about your feelings is up to you.
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u/TheLittleGoodWolf Jul 05 '25
I kind of get the feeling that this is more about it being a one time thing than anything else. Possibly in combination with your past history and the resulting feelings surrounding all of it.
It sounds like you had the perfect date and then ended off with some great sex, even if it wasn't as "advanced" as you may be used to. I'm not entirely sure what people mean when they say "casual" sex, as the definition seems to be somewhat fluid depending on the situation. For example, you might call what you had casual sex, but from what you described it only sounds "casual" in the sense that it was a one time thing with no afterward commitment.
This doesn't suddenly mean that you are ready for a long term serious relationship, or even that it would be something you subconsciously long for, or anything like that. But I do think it means that you didn't really want to let go yet, you wanted more. The clash between wanting more but knowing you went into this as a one time thing, along with the connection you made seems like the major driving point in making you feel like you do. You basically speed ran a great relationship, and realized there had to be a "breakup" as well, which hurts and that's what you are feeling now.
I have done one time sex as well, and it made me feel a similar way to how you describe it. It makes me feel empty, sort of numb, sad, and sort of like I was used while knowing that it's absolutely not what the other person did, maybe like I used myself in some strange way.
I have also had a short FWB relationship with a girl I met during a vacation. We basically acted like full on lovers in a relationship for about a month, and it was amazing. We both knew it would end when we had to go back home, but for the time we just allowed ourselves to go all in. Again, you could call this casual as neither of us were interested in a prolonged relationship with the other after we went back home, but everything we did and the connection we had to each other was anything but casual.
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u/TFinch559 Jul 05 '25
As a guy, I was surprised to feel the same way, and we barely went past kissing. Just like the feeling of shame and like you've given yourself away for nothing and the feeling of emptiness and like it happened so fast and you just feel like you betrayed yourself somehow. I cried like the whole next day and some more on the day after. It was just a great hollowing of the spirit of something. I thought only girls felt this way but I guess not.
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u/CatsGotANosebleed Jul 05 '25
Others have already given really good advice on what you’re feeling. It’s totally normal and doesn’t mean you’re somehow weak or slutty or any of those things. You tried something new, it sounds like it was a rather pleasurable experience. It’s ok to enjoy that in the moment, and also feel sad afterwards when it’s over.
Hookup culture often talks about “catching feelings” like it’s some kind of failure, but the reality is we are biologically wired to do that. Sex is a deeply intimate experience and our bodies have evolved to treat it as a Big Deal because whoever you sleep with could in theory father your offspring.
None of it is based on logic, you may have all the intention to just have fun with a one night stand, but you can’t avoid experiencing the hormonal cocktail that sex triggers in us. And when you realise that the partner is gone (or is someone you’d never want to be in a relationship/have their kids) it can feel like a literal drop because something was lost or you acted against your base instincts.
You can learn to recognise those feelings and suppress them, but feeling them isn’t some kind of weakness and many first timers having casual sex will encounter them. Be kind to yourself and focus on the fact that the hookup was nice, you learned something new about yourself and that tomorrow is a new day. You mentioned that you are still bitter from your last relationship negatively affecting you - it may be worth focusing on healing and moving on from it. We aren’t healed when we no longer feel anything with people, we’re healed when we can feel again, fully and authentically with someone, despite the hurt that we endured.
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u/Ordinary-Leopard6536 Jul 05 '25
if i can only have sex with a person once, id rather not have sex at all.
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u/Shaarnixxx Jul 05 '25
Went through the same experience. Thankfully (like you) with a really nice guy. Decided after a few tears, a big case of the sad’s, and a fair amount of soul searching - that casual sex isn’t for me. I NEED connection and a relationship.
And that?
THAT’S PERFECTLY OKAY 💚
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u/savvvie Jul 05 '25
Honestly? Welcome to the human experience. It’s ok, you just have to forgive yourself and move on. You won’t feel as sad in a few weeks. It’s ok.
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u/Spot_Vivid Jul 05 '25
You know why. Sex carries a lot of feelings, as much as we try to refuse it, humans aren't meant to do that
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u/currycurrycurry15 Jul 05 '25
This is what’s called post-nut clarity. Yes, women and men both can get it. Casual sex might just not be for you. Everyone’s different but it does feel dirty and empty to me. Maybe a FWB or someone you’re casually dating would be better suited for your needs at this time.
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u/floralprintcondoms Jul 05 '25
hi! former sexual health educator here. it sounds to me like you might be experiencing something called post-coital dysphoria. it’s still being researched, so there’s not tons of consensus about it yet; we don’t really know what causes it or how to prevent/treat it, but i’ll leave you some links below if you want to check them out. please know you’re not alone!!
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u/mrsbeequinn Jul 05 '25
I feel like there are two things at play here. The slutty part and the connection. For feeling slutty, a lot of people grow up or live in a sex negative society where sex is this special thing that is only supposed to happen with one or just very special people and your body is a temple but that isn’t how it has to be. Your body belongs to you and you get to make the rules. You get to choose when and how often you decide when you want to have sex. There is nothing wrong with deciding you want to have sex often with casual hookups or having sex less often with more meaningful hookups. Or everyday with just one person. Or never. Or somewhere in between. Since you like to journal, try to get to the root of what matters to you and why it matters to you.
Second, do you like a connection when you have sex? Do you feel like you get attached too easily and that it makes it harder to say goodbye and that’s why a casual hookup isn’t for you? There isn’t anything wrong with that. Some hookups can be more connection based and some will be less. You can also choose to keep people at an arms length if that feels more comfortable to you. There is a lot of wiggle room when it comes to a date or just a hookup.
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u/prolikejesus Jul 06 '25
Human beings aren't made for empty casual sex no matter how much reddit propaganda is out there
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u/Separate_Highway1111 Jul 06 '25
Wow, that reminds me of my short lived fling with a guy. I thought I wanted casual sex too, we got into it but all of a sudden, it left me feeling really down and sad, even though I didn’t want a relationship either. That’s when I realized I do desire a deeper connection, so casual sex just isn’t for me. Now, I’ve been celibate for about three years and honestly, I have no regrets.
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u/Objective-Dig-4075 Jul 06 '25
Fr, the one time i had something sexual without it being with a partner it felt awful, like, genuinely left me nauseous, i ghosted and blocked the person and im never doing anything like that ever again
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u/throwaway-hjg Jul 07 '25
OP, it’s possible that you’re sad, you wish it could be a relationship, etc, as some comments have said. It’s also possible that you are fighting ingrained purity culture. The fact that you feel slutty and that makes you feel like something’s wrong could very well be the result of decades of programming telling you that casual sex = bad.
It’s hard to unprogram these things. It’s okay that you’re feeling weird.
I felt this when I first had sex with my new partner. Now it’s been four months and I LOVE being “in my Slut Era!” but it took time to get there
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u/newtoaster Jul 09 '25
This sounds like you had a really great “bad” experience. You learned what didn’t work for you without it being due to someone else’s bad behavior. Nothing traumatic or awful from your partner, you just found out something new about yourself. Congratulations on growing and learning even if it didn’t feel all that great.
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u/Tough-Delivery3744 Jul 10 '25
Feeling empty and sad. I felt this way to when I started having causal sex some years back but the feeling goes away. I just like to have sex and I stopped feeling guilt and just enjoying the sex more.
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u/mewalrus2 Jul 10 '25
Why don't you try a relationship?
Most people are better off in a good relationship.
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u/moondustingss Jul 12 '25
You need to forgive yourself and move on. Casual sex isn't for you, or at least not at this point in your life, move on.
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u/No-Independence-2973 Jul 12 '25
Sometimes you think you want casual but it sounds like the things you really valued in this person weren't casual. Maybe you're looking for more and that's why you're sad, maybe you should hold out on your next intimate moment until you find someone who also wants that?
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u/WeddingJust5594 Jul 05 '25
There's nothing wrong with having casual sex with someone you don't really know.
It's probably just socially manufactured shame that made you feel that way.
Either way, you tried something different and it sounds like you really enjoyed it up until it finished, correct me if I'm wrong. That reminds me of men saying they can really want sex with someone and really enjoy the sex, and then afterwards feel "post-nut regret" a sense of shame that is brought upon people because of society's expectations.
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Jul 05 '25
Sex, without love, is often painful.
Sounds like you’re experiencing regret. Just treat it as a learning moment. When you said “I’ve been wanting to get laid casually and just feel so desired and wanted”, you’re describing a healthy and loving long term relationship with someone who loves you and wants to have sex with you often, and not something casual.
Life is a learning experience. As you get older don’t forget to learn from your mistakes and carefully consider what the underlying thing are that you want and not just what it looks like on the surface.
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Post title: I wanted casual sex , it happened and now I'm feeling completely....like a shell of a person
Casual Sex
For the longest I've been wanting to get laid casually and just feel so desired and wanted. And well that happened.
I matched with a guy on Tinder today, we met up and the vibe right away was just like amazing. we went to the beach and we went swimming . it was so much fun. then we went back to like his Airbnb (he's from California and he's only here for one more day , so we were both on the same page about a one night stand )
we ordered food, he put on a movie and you know a little dance happened with him wanting me to get closer, me being shy blah blah blah.
but then he kissed me and it was just like fireworks went off in my stomach. it was perfect he did everything right, the way he touched me, the way he was like super reassuring, the way he cared about like my orgasm ..it was just all really good. we had sex that was nice also , cause I didn't know him that well so it wasn't rough or kinky the way it would be with someone I've known longer.
but somehow after i I still feel like I went through some type of drop. and I know with BDSM you go through subdrop, but this was plain jane regular vanilla sex. and like a drop happened.
he gave me aftercare and we cuddled for a good 2 hours and he talked to me and like made sure everything was okay and he wanted to make sure he didn't do anything wrong which I thought was really sweet.
and I just straight up told him that I just felt kinda slutty , we sat in silence and he kissed my forehead. eventually I told him I have to go and I left, got home, took a shower , then made myself a cup of tea.
he messaged me I haven't replied back yet. I think I'm just feeling so empty and hollow, like something is missing and I don't know what. like my chest feels heavy, I thought I wanted to cry but I don't really want to cry. I just feel completely off. so now I'm just thinking maybe casual sex isn't for me. I know I don't want a relationship, and I don't want like anything serious with anyone.. but maybe I need more to it than casual sex and I don't know what it is that's missing for me.
I guess I'm just wondering what kinda drop did I possibly go through? like what is it called and just any advice or support on what it is I could possibly be missing ? I've been wanting to get slide it out for like 2 months now that it happened I kind of I don't want to say hate myself but I don't know..
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Jul 05 '25
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u/feckingelf Jul 05 '25
i’m sure there are men who need emotional connection too
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u/tauruspiscescancer Jul 05 '25
There definitely are. They just don’t show it the same way women do.
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Jul 05 '25
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u/Separate_Recover4187 Jul 05 '25
You are just wrong. I'm a man and absolutely need not just emotional connection, but long-term emotional connection. Men and women come in all types.
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