unfortunately black benz

unfortunately

I once was on a date with a country girl. I'm an old school metalhead, myself but our energies somehow still matched.

We went to a little bar to have a few drinks and dance a bit before dinner. As we were heading to the dance floor, she stopped to fix something on her dress or her shoes or something. I never asked what, now that I think of it. At this exact moment, the bartender said something, also not sure what, and I looked at him just as my date bent over to fix whatever she was fixing.

I didn't just bump her, I slammed into her like we were going 100kph. Also, to make everything worse, my knee came up between her legs and absolutely smoked her poor 🙀 I looked forward see what I just ran into as I thought she was a bit in front of me still.

When I look forward again, I see that she was still flying. When she landed, her arms were out to the sides like she was playing airplane and came down HARD on her chin. She slid this way for, what seemed like, 50 yards which was actually only a foot or so, but I'm mortified at this point so everything is much worse in my head. After which she tumbled for another 50 yards, or a couple of feet. Again, mortified.

When she stopped crashing, she just turned around while in a sitting position and just looked at me. Not mad, not even a little bit, no look of hurt feelings, just sitting there like she's been intentionally sitting there the whole time. She just said, "Guess I need some brake lights." and gave me this cute little smile that I never saw before or since.

I must have said I'm sorry like 1000 times as I gently grabbed the sides of her face, kissed her forehead and sat down next to her and just hugged her. Then I realized that the band had stopped playing and EVERYONE was looking at us. The metalhead in a bad attempt to look country and the pretty southern belle who just crashed like she fell off her horse at full run. Just sitting there on the dance floor.

She piped up with a "It's okay. We're okay, y'all." Someone handed me her hat from wherever it landed when it was knocked off by the impact. I gently put her hat back on her head while the band started playing again. Everyone danced around us giving us room, but also acting like we weren there until she recovered enough to get up.

I helped her up and we went outside where I asked if I should take her home. She said, "Hell naw! I ain't leaving a date where my coochie got bruised before we even got to dance!" Dinner plans did change, however, to a place with a balcony and a tall bar like spot where we could stand and eat, as sitting had become very uncomfortable for her.

The rest of the date went well and we did have a few more very nice dates afterwards where nobody got hurt, but we both decided that we'd be better friends than anything more energy was good, but chemistry didn't work.

Although we're not dating anymore, we're still pretty good friends and this night comes up occasionally in conversation. Oddly, not the worst date I've been on.

TL;DR Don't stop and bend over in front of your date while walking quickly to the dance floor or you might get accidentally punted like an extra point.

Was feeling myself this morning. Put on some slow jams, dimmed the lights, went for that dramatic over-the-head shirt pull. Got stuck. Panicked. Yanked harder. Heard a pop. Now I’m in urgent care wearing my shirt like a scarf because I can’t lift my arm.

The nurse asked if I fell. I said "no, I was seducing myself." She didn't write that down but I saw her lips twitch.

TL;DR: My rizz is a hazard to my joints

I'm not a skilled operator by any means, but I do all right. Poor planning plus rain made the wall give way while straddling the hole. In the end it only cost me an additional $375 to have a 75 ton heavy duty wrecker rescue me, and leave deep ruts in my yard. But hey .. the experience of replacing a septic system and leach bed yourself is priceless. 3/10 would not recommend