That’s it, that’s the whole post. And I know for a fact she doesn’t care. She hates me, she probably mocks me when she does think about me. And still I care and think about her everyday. Fml

It’s pretty long, but if at least one person would read i and respond, I’d highly appreciate it.

For context, we fell out because she cancelled my birthday twice last minute with pretty bad excuses. I admittedly overreacted, but made a huge apology to her which she herself said was sincere and big. in fact I’ve taken accountability multiple times and she never did once. But I was just constantly pushed away with no reasoning or closure.

Last time we spoke properly was April, she said she didn't want to get into depth over things and ghosted me. I popped back up in August, to say I was sorry and I missed her, but got nothing back.

My questions are, is it embarrassing to send this, and is it also unfair to block her without giving a chance to respond? I just feel like I need to block and move on now, but I can’t do it without getting everything off my chest first and explaining why.

Updated below!

I’m honestly at a loss about what to do and how this will end up, I just need to share to know I’m not alone in this.

Myself (32F) and my best friend since childhood (31F) (I’ll call her “Jane” for this post) haven’t had any problems, we grew up on the same street, our families are friends, and she agreed to be in my wedding party for next year, but she’s suddenly gone no contact and blocked me on everything.

We haven’t lived in the same city for many years of our lives, I’ve never moved away but she has multiple times for school, work, etc. we always maintained contact and our friendship, we have travelled across the country many times over the years to see one another.

3 weeks ago, she left me a voicemail asking me to call her. I texted back saying I was with friends out of town for a couple of days, but asked if everything was okay. She said no worries and to call her when I got home in a few days. I said I would call her when I was on the road driving home. When I phoned her two days later, it went straight to voicemail. I’ve texted a few times since then, and as the weeks went by I was getting more concerned. I reached out again over text asking if you would please contact me and let me know that she was okay. No response again, so the next day I contacted one of her other long time friends to see if she had heard from “Jane”. This is when things get weird.

This friend said she was considering reaching out to me as well, because our friend “Jane” has recently gone no contact with the majority of her best friends, as well as her family. We started getting very concerned that she is either mentally unwell, or that her boyfriend is isolating her. Several of us have tried to reach out through text, calls, and social media, and all attempts have been left unanswered and most of us have now been completely blocked.

I tried to call and reach out to her boyfriend, and he would not respond, through text, phone, or socials. I told him over text that I would be calling the police, and he didn’t even reply to that. So, I called them and asked for a wellness check.

It’s been a few hours, and I’m waiting for the police to get back to me. In the meantime, “Jane’s” accounts have gone on to block many of my friends as well, and remove herself from any group chats we’ve ever shared - including inactive ones from several years ago.

All this to say - what do I do? What could have caused this? I’m in total shock and despair… I just wish I had answers.

Update: the police went to her home and she came to the door and said everything was fine.

I don’t understand what happened, I have no idea if this is her going through something, or him controlling her, or what. I’ve never seen her do this to someone, let alone to cut off every friend and family member she has. I am heartbroken and devastated, I wish I at least got to know why, or say I love her. She is a sister to me, not just a friend, and I’m devastated by this…

My friend arranged a girls weekend for her bday in our town at a cabin. It was her, myself and 7 other friends of hers (most of whom I had never met). On the third day I woke up very early and seeing no one else awake, with hours to go till the next activity, rang my husband to ask if he wanted to grab a morning coffee. I got back, showered, worked out and had a second cup before anyone else even woke up.

I couldn't imagine that it would be such an issue that I had left for an hour at 6am. I mentioned it during the day when asked why I was up so early and no one said a thing.

My friend got drunk that night and started yelling at me about this in front of the group of strangers. She spent a good 20 mins yelling at me in front of girls I barely knew until I was crying and and asking her to please at least let us go somewhere private.

We went to the bedroom and I acknowledged her hurt, apologised for having left when it was "girls weekend. no boys allowed" and tried to calm her down. This led to hours of my friend intermittendly yelling at me, berating me, and crying. This went on for HOURS. With her cycling between yelling, crying and making sarcastic comments.

Another friend had apparently told her (ages prior) to also discuss iasues in our friendship with me because she said she had been feeling bad for neglecting our friendship.

She has and I was honest with her about it. She hasn't put ANY effort in the last few years so it has been hard to be the only one reaching out.

She eventually told me that the reason she's been avoiding me for the last few years and not making time for me, is because she doesn't enjoy me. She finds my surprise to be "needy" and "demanding".

I did not know what to make of this and asked how I could adjust but was told it wasn't a behaviour or anything I did - just who I was as a person.

She did not have a clear resolve, and admitted she would continue to feel this way and likely avoid my company due to it - first time I'd never heard this from her - she suggested it was just that my vibes(?) but maybe I could work on it.

She also said that she is far more critical of me and expects much more from me than she would others and she knows that it isn't right but it's also how she feels.

I suggested maybe we should take a break from our friendship if that was the case and she cried and started yelling again, telling me that she need to know that I'll always be there through anything and that I was essentially a bad friend for not being willing to take it. She told me she had many other friends she neglected and they waited or pushed her more for attention.

(There was an instance she brought up critiquing my behaviour on a single occasion - if anyone wants to know I'll add it in the comments but this post is getting long)

I'm happy I managed to stay calm and keep my tone non-confrontational throughout, but WTH man.

I am no therapist, but I can finally give what I went through a name.

In a healthy relationship, friendship has always been based on reciprocity, listening, and mutual support. Everyone makes mistakes, apologizes, and moves on—but in my story, that simply wasn't possible.

1. The Asymmetric Narrative (Victim vs. Villain)
I have always accepted the gray areas in people; to me, reality is nuanced. Maybe too much! In friendships, just like in life, people make massive mistakes. It depends on how severe they are, obviously. However, in this case, the conflict was total: my friend had a very rigid worldview. They were the loyal, always-present, happy one, while everyone else was "dysfunctional" or a chaos-creator. Their ego remained untouched despite having heavily negative traits, refusing to take advice or criticism, and constantly belittling me "to make me stronger."

2. Caregiver Burnout
I’ve never been the type to see my friends every single day, except back in school. Slowly but surely, this friend started demanding more and more closeness and support. I felt completely drained from trying to be there—dealing with hours-long phone calls and making grand gestures of affection at the expense of my own time and feelings (and I definitely messed up here by not being honest sooner). The moment I asked for some space because I objectively couldn't keep up due to work and my personal life, I received zero empathy. Instead, it was my fault for making them feel bad about the fact that I couldn't always be around. The focus was always on their wounds and their pride.

3. Control Through the "Stage"
Even though the friendship was supposed to be between the two of us, people from their social circle were gradually brought in, while mine never were (despite meeting my other friends, they simply ignored them). They wanted to put on a massive show on social media, hosting grand parties and events. When it came to my life milestones, though, they couldn't care less about showing up.

4. Emotional Blackmail
The end of the relationship came when I finally refused to just be a prop for their public facade. I admitted that I couldn't fake it anymore and asked for genuine honesty. That’s when the blackmail started: I had to do exactly what they said, or the friendship was over. And that is exactly what happened.

For me, breaking off this relationship was an act of SELF-PRESERVATION.
When a friendship stops being a safe space and turns into a courtroom where you are permanently on trial, distance and silence become the only possible answers to protect your mental health and prioritize what truly matters in your life.

i had a friend group. this week, ive suddenly been having so many dreams of us being together again. some are dreams of reconciling and being friends again, while some are like as if we never stopped being friends in the first place

im confused because i was cut off over a year ago already, and ive already gone through the process of grieving to accepting it. id have these dreams occasionally back then but they werent as frequent as now. before, id get them maybe only once every 2-4 months, but now ive had about 3 this week

theyre usually not of the entire friend group but more like only one friend. i would talk to her as if we never stopped being friends

the one i just had today was us reconciling, her wanting to bring me back but i kept saying that i dont think ill be accepted back into their circle

i dont want this to take it as a sign to actually reconcile irl, i know fully well that i dont belong there anymore and that i have no reason to be coming back, especially because i was the reason why i was cut off in the first place (for being a bitch) so these dreams make me so confused and sad

Hello strangers on Reddit. I just find this subreddit and want to get this out of my chest.

About 2 years back I stop contacting the person who was my friend for the longest, there was even a Time when I consideres him my best friend.

The reason? In hindsight, maybe was long overdue, but the reason that made me want to distance myself and finally cut contact was this: Around 6 months before the last time we saw and talk to each other, my wife had a miscarriage and we were so fucking devastated. A group of friends gathered(they are still gathering) at this dude's house once a month to play games and have drinks and food. The day She lost the baby I sent message to family and close friends. There was this group chat of those friends, some send words of empathy or condolences. Some didnt say anything, including him. Fast forward to this last reunion I attended. Again, some people hugde me and my wife, asked us how we were, how my wife felt, how we were handling the situation. This guy? He welcomed us to his house, yes. But that was it. We were around 35 at that moment, we knew each other Since we were 16 to 17, we met in high school. And not a single word about the situation. Maybe he didnt want to talk about It in front of The others? Weird, but It was His house, if he wanted to talk to me only The both us to say something, he could had done It. As far as I remember, he didnt even acknowledged the miscarriage. He has some crass, dark and acid humor, as I do. But his humor always dangle on the edge of being Straight up bullying. I was expecting some crude bad Joke, like "you can still bang your wife and try again", that would had show that he cared, but the silence and the indifference was the thing that broke what remain of that friendship.

I'm not looking for advice or anything like that. That group chat? Well, it's been dead silent for More than a year and I found out they Made another chat without me.

HeyReddit,

Anyways this is going to be a long one. Throw away cause some moots follow my reddit and might find this and changed names for anonymity.

I (20) need an outside perspective on a situation from awhile back with my online friend group. Please also keep in mind this is just my perspective and I am probably biased.

For context, I’ve had a pretty overwhelming year. I’m currently balancing my university projects, heavy family stresses and the loss of my Grandma who I was quite close to. Last year I joined an International gaming fan sever centred around a popular gaming series there are about 16 of us but the people who are important to this story and who I was or am closest to are. Dan (19M) and the main reason I am making this, Gabby (19F), Celia (18F) and Sam (20M.)

I first got close to Celia but after a particularly stressful game night with the group about a month after we all met I ended up on call with Dan and we spoke for a long time. Honestly I had never opened myself up to anyone as fast as I did with him in that call. I got close to Gabby when I started hanging out with Dan and since I was close with Celia we formed our own little group with our own chat and hang outs etc away from the wider server.

Things were ok for a while but cracks began to show.

There were underlying emotional dynamics in the group that Dan was aware of. Earlier in the year, Celia, Gabby, and I all ended up confessing feelings for Dan at different points. He turned us down due to distance, which we all respected, and we agreed to keep things private to save the group dynamic though that didn't last long.

Our group dynamic shifted due to a fight between Celia, Gabby and Dan and then after it was resolved some what around April Fool's Day, Dan pulled a joke/prank on the server saying he was cutting contact with leaving the server to focus on IRL connections in 12 hours. I asked if I could still reach out to him via socials since we followed each other but he said he needed space which I respected and I said I supported him and his decision only to find out it was a prank. I was really upset by this and we got into a massive argument for a few days cause he didn't quite understand why I didn't just tell him I was upset over him leaving and why I was angry now. Lets just say it added an awkward layer to things, but I thought we had moved past it as he eventually understood that I was putting his needs and feelings above my own wants and by not voicing how I felt I was trying to be a good friend.

I started hanging out and bonding a lot more with Sam during all of this who was helping me improve at the game. He is a bit of a quiet recluse. He goes to every game night but he doesn't like to talk much.

Shortly after, when I naturally started spending more one-on-one time bonding with Sam, Dan came to me saying he was hurt and felt replaced by Sam as the server was always comparing them being the 2 best players and during a silly debate about them I said Team Sam all the way granted this was during the highly tense period after the April fools and it was one of my more petty moments which I apologised for when he told me it hurt him because I was one of the few people he trusted. I made it clear that both of them are great at different things and that he was my best friend and I loved him very much.

After that I thought everything was ok with Dan and I despite some of the tension and some distence. He was one of two people I confided in about my Grandma's health leading up to her death and he acted completely supportive and normal.

Fast forward to now: my birthday is coming up in few months. Dan being my best friend on the sever and also lives the closest to me (Different state same country.)so visiting requires a $400 flight. From the very beginning, I made it super clear to him that there was zero pressure to come if money or travel was tricky. He kept giving me "maybe/we'll see" answers, and I repeatedly assured him I’d completely understand if he couldn't make it.

Out of nowhere late at night, Dan texts me saying he can't make it. He said he didn't want to give me false hope, and then dropped this bomb

"It just doesn't feel like we're close friends anymore and I'm not sure about booking a $400 flight."

I was blindsided, but tried to stay calm I told him it was ok and that I respected his decision before asking him if I had done something to make him feel that way. At first, he say he didn't want talk about it anymore right then but then blamed my "overall demeanour," which felt super vague and hurtful. I replied asking what he meant. after a while of no response as he had been drinking apparently.

Dan sent a massive text wall admitting he’d been holding onto resentment for months. His main points

• He felt like I was never "rooting for him" during group video games and was always cheering for the other team.
• He felt heavily replaced in my life by Sam after the group dynamic shift. He acknowledged he has past personal issues with feeling replaceable, but admitted it’s been building up for months.
• He claimed he didn't bring it up earlier because my family emergency was happening and he wanted to "prioritize my mental wellbeing," but decided to lay it all out now.

He concluded by saying my "demeanour" is fine, but "not good for him mentally," and that he wants space, though he still considers us friends.

I was completely crushed. I had no idea he was harbouring all this bitterness while acting normal to my face, especially while I was leaning on him for support during a family crisis. I never intentionally left him out or replaced him. I spoke to him more than anyone else, trying to stay afloat through a hard year. I have fun with Sam but I don't have the type of emotional bond that I had with Dan. As for the rooting for him during game nights we were often on opposing teams and he liked to pick joke fights with me by teasing me which I would respond in kind.

I blamed myself so much and felt so awful for making who I saw as one of my best friends suffer by letting myself lean on him when he wanted distance not that I knew he wanted said distance but still.

It is hard cause I thought we had such a strong honest connection and could communicate anything to each other even if it is something negative that the other has done. While I felt he heart was in the right place by keeping his growing grievance with me to himself during when my grandma was sick I honestly would of rather he just told me at cause it hurt way more after leaning on him for months during late night phone calls in tears and early morning check ins thinking he was my best friend and that the distance had been a figment of my imagination.

A couple of people I've talked to think he handled this with total emotional immaturity dropping months of unsaid grievances over text while drunk, after I explicitly gave him an easy out weeks ago. My therapist suggested that he might said it to get my attention and to show I care which if so was a bad way to go about it as I will always support and put my friends and love ones needs and boundaries over my own silent wishes if the April fools fiasco showed anything.

I have made peace for the most part with it and kept my distance from him but small part of me feels guilty, wondering if I was dense for not noticing earlier or if I acted like like a jerk and didn't change my behaviour enough to make him feel secure in our friendship.

Anyways I just thought I would share this to get others perspectives and maybe learn more on what to do better next time. Sorry for the rant and if it doesn't all make sense. Thanks

I lost my best friend of 4 years last year and I am stuck. The situation itself is complicated ( its completely separate from this but it was happening at the same time and I felt like its the reason she cut off and I feel like I was the cause )but she was going through something scary and I had thought at the time I was there for her but I wasn’t at all, she was hurting and needed support and I should’ve been there for her more, and everything ended horribly and she cut off without saying why. All I hope for now is that shes doing amazing and thriving I know she is because shes the sweetest and strongest person I used to know, I always wish that I had apologized to her because she deserves an apology but i feel selfish because im scared too because I know she probably doesnt want to hear from me especially after so long and I don’t want to make it seem like its for selfish reasons and also fear that if i do it will bring the memories back that she definitely doesn’t want to remember. Although that leaves me in a place of uncertainty because in a way I feel like its selfish for me to move on because I hurt someone so deeply especially her, why should I move on. Furthermore I hate the phrase “ you should forgive yourself” in my context because I don’t, I don’t forgive myself and it feels like I am justifying and or not really accounting for my own actions.

​

(English isn't my first language, so please excuse any mistakes.)

Back in January, I was going through a rough patch. I was unemployed, feeling lonely, with my friends far away. I downloaded Discord and joined a bunch of random servers. It was in February that I met a girl.

Our connection was instant. On that first day, we talked for at least 4 hours straight. I'm 20, she was 18. I can't even begin to describe how incredible she was — kind, warm-hearted, genuinely the best girl I've ever talked to online. Every conversation we had was full of care and mutual respect. I never asked for a picture of her face — just random photos from her daily life. Even though our bond was strong, I knew we hadn't known each other long, and I didn't want to scare her off.

We spent about 4 months talking every single day. She told me things she'd never told anyone else, and I did the same. I've never had that much fun with a girl before. We lived in different states, but we spent entire holidays texting each other, and she'd always thank me afterward. She said I was the most amazing guy she'd ever met, and that she already had plans to spend Halloween with me. She always showed that she liked me just as much as I liked her.

In March, I started a new job and got worried I wouldn't have as much time for her. She told me: "Nothing's going to change. I have a busy schedule too, and I always make time for you — trust me." And I did trust her. Our frequency dropped a little, but nothing major — we still talked more on weekends, like always.

Now comes the painful part...

In May, I lost my main Discord account due to a misunderstanding with Discord itself. But I had a secondary account, so I reached out to her and explained what happened. She told me to try recovering my original account, saying it was easy. I tried, but couldn't get it back. Still, it wasn't a big deal — we still had my secondary account to talk through.

She seemed a bit busy around that time, but never cold — always the same warmth.

On May 9th, I sent her a message. She replied saying she was having a hectic day at work, and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine. A few hours later, I sent: "Aren't you going to say goodnight?" She never replied.

Two days later, I sent another message. Nothing.

I reached out to mutual friends, searched for her on Discord, turned over every stone. Nothing.

I remembered that, when I once brought up the possibility of us losing touch, she said: "You're being paranoid. Nothing's going to happen. And if it does, I'll find a way to track you down on the internet." I argued that the internet is huge, but she insisted she'd manage. Those words became my anchor.

The first month passed. Then the second, the third... now we're on the fourth.

I tried everything. I downloaded our entire chat history, searched for her on Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest (based on her interests), asked friends for help, dug through metadata — and came up with nothing.

I don't have any other social media of hers, only Discord. She once mentioned her parents are super protective and wouldn't approve of her talking to a "stranger" online. And I won't lie — our connection went beyond friendship.

Everyone tells me to give up and move on. I know — she's just a girl from the internet whose face I've never seen. But every time I reread our old conversations, I can feel the immense love she had for me. She always said it and showed it. And deep down, I know she wouldn't have done this without a reason.

Sorry for the long vent. Months of searching, and she never came back to that profile. I still hope to see her again, even though I consider the possibility of ghosting. Honestly, if she had told me she'd lost interest, I wouldn't have wasted my time. But the thing is, she always showed the opposite.

I decided to share this story to hear some advice, talk to people who might relate, and learn from similar experiences — I know many others have been through something like this.

Thanks for reading my story.

🐶💚😸

I don't really know how to write this properly, but I genuinely want an honest outside perspective. Please don't just validate me. If I was wrong somewhere, tell me.

There was this girl who was one of my closest friends for around 4 years. We were never officially in a relationship, but somewhere along the way I developed feelings for her. And honestly, I think I got way too attached.

She knew I had feelings. Maybe not every single detail, but she wasn't completely unaware of it either. And this is where I'm confused even today.

Because from my side, I was never able to see her as just a casual friend anymore.

I was always available for her. If she had something going on emotionally, I would listen, give my opinion, try to understand her side, calm her down, whatever I could do. I genuinely cared about her, even as a friend.

But at the same time, I started feeling that I was giving her something that was emotionally much deeper than what I was getting back.

And I don't mean attention in the sense of "she should talk to me 24/7." That's not what I wanted.

I wanted emotional reciprocity.

I wanted to feel that the way I considered her important, she also considered what was happening between us important.

There were many small incidents that accumulated over time.

For example, whenever I did something wrong, I would usually try to look at it from her perspective. We'd talk, I'd understand what hurt her, I'd try to make it right.

But when something happened from her side and I tried to explain why it hurt me, many times the conversation would turn into an argument.

She would say things like, "You want to fight, I don't want to fight," or "If you want to fight, do it, I don't want to talk."

And then I'd feel like I wasn't even getting the opportunity to properly explain my side.

There was also this one incident that sounds very small but stayed with me.

We had an exam around the same time. She was late, and I waited for her. I literally kept the seat next to me empty because I thought she'd come and sit there. When she finally came, I told her to sit next to me, and she didn't.

It's such a stupidly small thing when I write it down now 😂 but at that time it genuinely hurt me a lot.

And there were other things where I had repeatedly communicated that something was hurting me, she would understand for some time, and then the same kind of thing would happen again.

I think that's when my attachment became unhealthy.

Because I started thinking:

"If I'm this emotionally invested in you, and you know that, then how are we supposed to keep doing this without either of us getting hurt?"

She also used to share a lot of her emotional baggage with me. And honestly, I didn't mind initially. I wanted to be there for her.

But eventually I realised that I was becoming the person she could always come to because I was always available.

And that's where I started questioning myself.

Was I actually being a good friend?

Or was I allowing myself to become emotionally dependent on being needed by her?

I don't know.

I also started thinking about the future.

We were in college, and I knew that eventually we'd move into different cities, jobs, new friend groups, etc.

And I had this fear that if she eventually met someone else especially a guy she became close to her attention would naturally shift.

And honestly, I knew that would destroy me.

Not because she would be doing something wrong.

But because I knew I had already placed her way too high in my life.

If she got a boyfriend tomorrow, obviously she would give him a kind of emotional priority that I could never expect as a friend.

And I'd still be there, listening, helping, caring, but internally watching my importance decrease.

So I eventually told her that I couldn't continue being emotionally attached like this.

I didn't want to force her into a relationship.

I didn't want to convince her.

I didn't want her to change her feelings.

I just realised that if we remained this close, I would keep hoping for something that wasn't happening.

So I chose distance.

And this is where things got messy.

I unfollowed her. Removed things. Went no-contact.

She got really hurt.

She messaged me saying she couldn't understand how we went from talking normally just a couple of days ago to suddenly blocking/unfollowing and removing each other. She said she couldn't sleep, woke up at night shaking, and that the sudden transition was hurting her.

She also said she wanted good things for me but didn't understand why I had to do all this.

And honestly?

That hurt me too.

Because I never wanted to make her cry.

I still don't think she's a bad person.

I don't think everything she did was intentional.

I don't think she was sitting there thinking, "Let me use this guy because he's always available."

But at the same time, I can't completely ignore what the dynamic was doing to me.

She may have genuinely seen me as a very close friend.

And maybe that's the hardest part.

Because from her perspective, maybe she had a really good friend who was always there for her.

From my perspective, I was trying to remain "just a friend" while having feelings that weren't going away.

And I don't think I could keep doing that without slowly hurting myself.

Now it's been some time.

She's getting back into her life. New friends, going out, changing her DP, followers/following increasing, etc.

And I hate admitting this, but sometimes I check.

And I feel jealous.

I start thinking:

"How did she move on so quickly?"

"How did she already make new friends?"

"Did she already have someone at her workplace?"

"Did she ever feel the same loss that I did?"

Then another part of me says:

Maybe she's just coping differently.

Maybe she's genuinely making friends.

Maybe she still remembers me.

Maybe she doesn't.

I don't know.

And I'm slowly realising that I don't need to know.

I've also been thinking about whether I made her my entire emotional world.

Because when I'm busy with work..I can be completely fine.

But when I'm free, my mind starts going back to her.

I analyse conversations.

I remember incidents.

I think about what I could've done differently.

I wonder if I should have stayed and tried harder.

I wonder if I lost a genuinely good friend because I couldn't control my feelings.

And that's the question I really want an answer to.

Did I actually set a healthy boundary, or did my attachment make me interpret a friendship as something it wasn't?

Because I genuinely don't want to paint myself as the victim here.

Maybe I expected too much.

Maybe I should have accepted that she genuinely saw this as friendship and adjusted my feelings accordingly.

Maybe she was actually a good friend and I ruined it by bringing romantic expectations into something that was never romantic for her.

But another part of me thinks:

If she knew I had feelings, and knew how emotionally attached I was, should she have created some distance herself instead of continuing to rely on me emotionally?

Was it fair for me to keep being the person she came to with everything when she couldn't give me what I emotionally wanted?

Or is that completely my responsibility because I chose to stay available?

And there's another thing I'm struggling with.

She thinks I hurt her by suddenly removing her from my life.

And she's right.

I did hurt her.

But I also feel like I was hurting myself by staying.

So how do you judge something like that?

Can you hurt someone and still have made the right decision?

Because I genuinely didn't leave to punish her.

I left because I didn't know how to stay without losing myself.

I still care about her.

I don't hate her.

I don't want anything bad for her.

I don't even necessarily want her to realise that she "lost someone amazing" or anything like that.

I just wish, somewhere in all of this, she had understood what was happening from my side too.

Maybe that's selfish.

Maybe it's attachment.

Maybe it's just being human.

So, Reddit, please be brutally honest:

1. Was I right to create distance?

2. Did I mistake emotional closeness for mutual romantic interest?

3. Was I expecting too much from her as a friend?

4. Was her continuing to rely on me emotionally unfair, considering she knew I had feelings?

5. Did I handle the ending badly?

6. And most importantly, what parts of this sound like genuine incompatibility and what parts sound like my attachment issues?

I'm not looking for someone to tell me "bro you did nothing wrong."

I genuinely want to understand my own behaviour in this too.

My partner and I was the ones would left. I met my friend group online in 2017. I grew up with them, I found my first real friends with these folks. Fell in love with my partner who I met through them. We had trouble all the time however, and had multiple huge fights that didn’t involve me and crumbled the friendship before everyone couldn’t resist the community and came back together.

We tried to make things make sense, take care of each other. But we got too wound up in each others life’s and ending up being therapists, only support systems, and anxious messes. There was lying, fights, favoritism, hiding relationships from people, and at some point I realized I had to go but I wasn’t sure when.

I tried to pull away after a reaction to a minor disagreement and was met with you are making people anxious for needing space and you need to talk NOW. They started to spam my social medias, send long messages about how delusional and dysfunctional my partner and I was, talking about how awful I was through tweets. I was shocked, it had been a week of no contact to cause some of this. And finally I couldn’t take it anymore and told the main person I have reavalued our friendship and can’t be friends. That trickled down to 5+ that stopped talking to us in turn. It was fucking god awful.

3 years later my horrific mental health in the months after that genuinely made me reshape myself as a person. Losing my entire support system damn near sent me to the hospital. I’m so so much better now, I have new friends, best friends, and a very good life.

I still have dreams of rekindling something with them. Being completely honest about what happened and them listening, having some sort of acknowledgment of each other’s existence without being friends again. I know it could never happen- last year I was sent multiple messages on an old chat i forgot to block telling me how better their lives are without me. They are cruel, but god do I miss them at their best and wish them the best. I miss the first people I could be myself with.

Me and her have been friends throughout highschool like really close spend every day together friends. she was a bitch to everyone except me and then We moved in together two years ago and it only lasted a few month because it did not Go well. She started being a bitch to me too. We did not mesh well living together. I reached out to her because I’d been dreaming about her all the time the last few months. I started it w a joke and we just kept laughing it’s been a week now and we have hung out twice. She still has all the pictures of me up on her instagram and all the art I made for her in her room. We have both recognized that we were in bad mental health spaces when living together and have apologized. Is this something I can salvage and have my close friend back or is it too good to be true?

Does it get better after losing your best friend because of your own mistakes? And do you have any hopeful stories?

I’m 22 and recently lost my best friend of almost five years. We were extremely close and even lived together for a while.

The friendship ended after a series of mistakes on my part. Last year, I laughed at a comment another friend made about my best friend behind her back. She overheard, felt betrayed, and told me she couldn’t trust someone who talked about her behind her back. She eventually forgave me and gave me another chance.

Later, I started talking to that same person again despite knowing there was still tension between them. After my graduation this year, that person sent me voice messages criticizing my best friend, calling her childish and saying she was disgusted by her behavior. There had also been an earlier situation where she was angry because my best friend wouldn’t answer the phone when she was trying to get directions to my university.

My best friend asked me directly whether the messages were about her. I panicked and lied, then took the phone away before eventually letting her listen. She heard the messages, and I stayed neutral instead of defending her. I know now that I should have defended her or stopped the conversation.

She eventually told me I was hypocritical and two-faced and that she no longer trusted me. She ended the friendship and blocked me on social media.

I take responsibility for what I did. I’m working on my people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, lying when I’m afraid of someone's reaction, and learning to set boundaries and defend people instead of trying to keep everyone happy.

But losing her has been incredibly painful, especially knowing that my own actions contributed to it.

For anyone who has experienced something similar: does it eventually get better? Do you eventually stop feeling consumed by the loss? And have any of you had a friendship that seemed completely over but somehow became a friendship again? I’d really appreciate hearing hopeful or inspiring stories.

Hey so, I apologize in advance, this is pretty raw and fresh for me and mom exhaustion makes it hard to remember every knitty gritty detail.

I have been best friends with my bestie for 6+ years. In that whole entire time, we have never argued. Not once. We have always been able to have conversations and dialogue the very few random times we disagreed.

I just had a baby 10 weeks ago now. It was traumatic, an emergency c section. I am still reeling emotionally from it. I felt the entire surgery because I had a failed epidural and spinal block and no doctor would listen to me to knock me out.

My best friend lives three hours away. She and I don’t see each other in person often, although throughout my pregnancy I was the one making the trek down there to see her a few times. We usually communicate over text, and used to FaceTime, which is rare now since she is engaged to her new fiancé.

She had shared with me around the time I found out I was pregnant that they are also trying to get pregnant with what would be her second baby. They have not been successful thus far. I did try to hold space for whatever feelings she may have had pertaining to her own fertility while also being so excited to share in these moments with my best friend. She was not able to make it to my baby shower and did not come to the hospital when I had the baby/when I was freshly postpartum.

Fast forward to this past weekend, we had finally had the stars align for her to be able to come up to see me. I was so excited to see her and have her meet my daughter! I was also excited to spend some quality time with her and feel even the slightest bit like my old self / my old life. She truly does bring me so much joy and I love being around her. A few days before the trip, she texts me to ask if it would be okay if she makes it a “couples getaway” for her and her fiance as well as coming to see me. At first I thought nothing of it because usually her fiance tags along anyway so I say of course. They chose to stay in a hotel, which is understandable considering I have a newborn. I was able to have my friend book their hotel through her employer discount. I also recognize that my best friend and her fiance are going through financial troubles and she asked me to help her with gas, but I went ahead and assisted with some of the cost of the hotel instead.

So they arrive Saturday, we spend a little bit walking around an outdoor shopping area and then all go to their hotel to get them checked in. We also eat dinner at said hotel as my friend who booked the room works there as a server. I repeatedly ask what the plans are for this evening, as I’d assumed we’d be spending as much time together as possible given they are really only here for an evening. Well, long story short, she chooses to stay back at the hotel with her fiance rather than spend time with me on her one night in town. It was really hurtful, especially since we had talked so much about what my first night going out postpartum might look like, and we, or at least I thought, were both so excited since we’d traditionally had so much fun together. I text her that I am hurt by this, she responds with a very generic therapy based response basically saying she’s “sorry I feel that way.” I express to her that things feel off, and then I also express to her that I felt it was slightly inconsiderate of her to plan this with me and then spring the couples thing on me last minute, only to not spend a large chunk of her time here with me. She does not reply that night.

Sunday morning comes, still no reply. I have her location, and can see that they are in an area of town that we had all talked about going to together. I text her trying to initiate plans, nothing. At this point, I’m feeling really hurt. I text and ask her for the money I spent on the hotel as I felt it wasn’t really fair for me to pay for her and her fiancé’s couples getaway hotel room. She sends me the money, so I then realize she is seeing my texts. I send one final text asking if we are going to resolve this before she leaves town. She responds and tells me that I’ve got my money, and to have a nice life. When I respond back to her, I then realize I am blocked. I am immediately distraught and confused and I message her fiance. He tells me I “went off the deep end” because she didn’t want to spend time with me the previous night and didn’t want to “hang around people she didn’t know” (I had some other friends she had asked about meeting prior who were going to try and make it out to meet us) and that by messaging them both I am being manipulative and controlling. I am appalled at this point and in tears. As of writing this, I am still blocked.

I truly don’t understand how we arrived at this point. 6+ years of friendship gone in an instant. I communicated how I felt. I have always tried to acknowledge her and how she may be feeling. I just need some others opinions and insight on this. TIA.

I’m 33M. She’s around 29–30F now. We haven’t spoken since September 7, 2022. There was romantic history between us, but “lost a friend” describes what I’m grieving better than “lost an ex.” By the time everything finally collapsed, she had been one of the most important and trusted friends in my life for years.

We originally met through a mutual friend and eventually started dating long-distance while she was in college. She wanted the relationship to be open, which wasn’t something I would have sought out myself, but I accepted it. I slept with someone else once. Sometimes she could be incredibly warm and affectionate; other times she was cold and distant. She frequently said she “didn’t do emotions” and was uncomfortable saying she loved me. Shortly before the only time I visited her, she told me she’d contracted an STD/STI from another partner and was being treated. She was ashamed and offered to reimburse my plane tickets if I wanted to cancel. I chose to go, and we took precautions. Despite everything, that visit meant a lot to me. She even cried a little when I left at the airport.

We planned for me to return around Christmas and New Year’s, but my best friend at the time became extremely upset that I’d miss his birthday and made me feel like I had to choose between him and her. I caved and tried to reschedule my visit. She was understandably hurt and eventually broke up with me. She told me she’d realized she didn’t love me anymore while having sex with someone else. She was concerned about how I’d react, asked me to promise I wouldn’t hurt myself, and wanted us to remain friends. I agreed, but told her I needed some space first.

Somehow, over the following years, we actually rebuilt a friendship. We’d share stories, complain about life and increasingly become people the other could rely on. When my mother developed ALS, she was my rock through the entire thing. By the end of 2019, I trusted her implicitly. Whatever had happened between two younger people in college felt like ancient history. I genuinely believed she’d grown up, and I believed our friendship was stable.

Then her relationship of about six months ended around New Year’s 2020. Around that time she told me she’d always felt guilty about how she’d treated me in college and had been trying to make amends. She said she “didn’t really date anyone else after me in college.” She suggested that I could become her roommate and wanted me to join a family Steam account with her. She expressed that she was still physically attracted to me and remembered intimate details about our old relationship. It was everything I’d ever wanted to hear from a woman I already trusted completely.

I’d struggled with major depression since high school, had been through abusive relationships, and was still trying to put my life together after losing my mother. For the first time in a very long time, I felt genuine hope. I thought maybe I didn’t have to give up on having a normal future with someone I cared about. I felt confident and optimistic about my life again.

Then COVID happened. We lived in different states, and once it became clear that we couldn’t actually act on any of those feelings for the foreseeable future, her behavior toward me seemed to change completely. The warmth disappeared. She stopped initiating interactions. Affection disappeared. Interest in future plans disappeared. I increasingly felt like an afterthought compared with her ex, League of Legends, other games, or whatever else was happening in her life. At one point that fall or winter, I remember her describing what we had as something temporary until we found something better. She later had no memory of saying that, and I don’t know what to make of it even now.

Occasionally I’d ask whether something was wrong or tell her that things felt different. I never felt like those conversations went anywhere. My concerns seemed to get ignored or deflected, and I’d usually come away feeling even more distant. Eventually I stopped initiating as much. Repeatedly asking someone to treat me like they cared felt humiliating. I’ve always believed that if someone genuinely wants you in their life, they’ll make some minimum effort to be there.
Then, usually around December, she’d notice. She’d tell me it didn’t feel like we were friends anymore or ask whether something was wrong. I’d explain how the distance had been hurting me. She’d ask why I hadn’t said anything. But I thought I had. Things would temporarily improve, and then by spring we’d start decaying again.

Eventually an entire summer and fall essentially passed without so much as a “hey,” and strangely enough, I started feeling better. I focused on myself, my friends and my interests. I gave up on the future I’d imagined with her. Then she messaged me again in December. We eventually resumed talking, and I learned that she’d experienced a sexual assault during the period we weren’t speaking. I tried to support her. Once that immediate crisis passed, though, we went right back to barely being friends. It was increasingly painful feeling like someone who had once trusted me with so much of herself no longer wanted me meaningfully involved in her life.

Later she invited me to work PAX Philadelphia with her. I was genuinely excited. After years of ambiguity, actually spending time together might finally show me what remained between us. Instead, when lodging was arranged, she’d forgotten to include me, so I ended up staying in a hostel. Our work schedules barely overlapped. We had dinner with her group and walked around Philadelphia at night, but very little meaningful time together. During one moment when it was just us getting cookies, I tried sitting close to her and she moved away. During convention teardown I was talking to her when she simply walked away mid-sentence and started talking to a guy she’d met at the convention. On the plane home, I had what I believe was a panic attack.

We were supposed to work Boston PAX later, but by then just imagining seeing her again was making me physically ill. My friends had been watching this situation affect me for years and finally intervened. I was taking college classes, and the constant emotional turmoil and rumination were interfering with my ability to concentrate. I realized I had to choose between my own life and continuing to hold onto a dead dream. I chose my life and backed out of Boston, using my finals as the practical excuse.

There was still something else hanging over us. Before the pandemic, we’d bought tickets to see My Chemical Romance together. COVID postponed the concert for two years, and over time those tickets became my Sword of Damocles. The Sword of Damocles, for anyone fortunate enough not to have needed this metaphor recently, is a sword suspended over someone’s head by a single horsehair. In my case, the sword was two MCR tickets sitting harmlessly somewhere and therefore surprisingly difficult to explain as a source of dread.

September 7, 2022 remained fixed somewhere ahead of me. It had once represented a future I couldn’t wait to reach. Now it was the day when we’d supposedly be together again and I’d finally have to confront whatever our relationship had become. About two weeks before the concert, she messaged me asking whether I still wanted to go. She said it didn’t feel like we were friends anymore. As I remember it, she’d been reminded of the MCR concert because she was going to another show with someone else around those dates.

I explained everything again. She asked why I hadn’t said anything. She also described our friendship as essentially “out of sight, out of mind.” After years of this cycle, the dam finally broke. I became angry, suspicious and paranoid. I made accusations and said mean things. I’m not proud of how I behaved.
But something strange happened during that argument. For a moment, she seemed to understand exactly what had happened to me. She told me that through neglect and the cognitive dissonance she’d created, she had essentially “driven me crazy.” She said she’d been reading or learning about it. She seemed genuinely sorry.

That phrase has stayed with me because by then I’d been living inside something resembling a Catch-22. In Catch-22, recognizing the insanity of repeatedly risking your life is itself evidence that you’re sane enough to be sent back to do it again. It is a wonderfully efficient rule if your primary concern is ensuring nobody gets out.

My version was considerably less kinetic. I knew I was becoming unwell. I could see myself obsessing, becoming anxious and suspicious, and eventually behaving in ways I didn’t recognize. I could think, “I’m going crazy.” But that awareness made me doubt myself even more. Maybe nothing had changed. Maybe I was needy. Maybe I hadn’t communicated. Maybe I was creating the distance myself. The more aware I became that my thinking wasn’t healthy, the less certain I became that I could trust my own perception of what was causing it.

Then, at the very end, the person I’d spent two years questioning my own perceptions over told me that something really had happened and that she understood she’d contributed to it. I didn’t feel vindicated. I was exhausted.

By then I didn’t care that she was sorry, and I didn’t believe there was anything left to save. I didn’t let up. Once she realized that, she stopped holding back too. A day or so later I sent her one final, admittedly pedantic message about relationships requiring both people to put a bare minimum of effort into being involved in each other’s lives. I told her that I’d once thought she was basically a normal, reliable person, and that if I’d known years earlier this was what our friendship would eventually become, I never would have chosen to become her friend.

She asked whether the friends who’d been worried about me and pushing me to step away had helped convince me that she was the problem. Then she went directly for our history. As I remember her words, she told me her ex had known her better in six months than I had in eight years, that she was glad I’d “chosen my friends over her again,” and that she was glad she’d “dumped my ass” back in college.

The accusation that I’d chosen my friends over her “again” was particularly bitter. From my perspective, whenever there had been a choice between making room for me and almost anyone or anything else, I had spent years feeling like I came second. I had spent an embarrassing amount of time wondering whether I was even entitled to be hurt by that. So being accused, at the very end, of doing to her what I felt I had spent years experiencing from her struck me as profoundly hypocritical.

Those were the last words from her I ever read. I blocked her.

At first I felt relief. It didn’t last. On Halloween I drank until I collapsed in a pool of vomit. I started therapy that December.

Almost four years later, I still dissociate and compulsively replay those two years. If I’m not working or otherwise mentally occupied, my mind frequently goes back there and examines conversations and events endlessly. It happens while driving. There have been times I’ve missed stop signs or red lights because I wasn’t mentally present. I have parasomnia and sometimes wake up screaming or physically fighting something that isn’t there. I now have a couple fillings in my teeth because of how bad things got.

It followed me into another relationship. My partner could find me washing dishes with a pained expression, mentally somewhere else, and have to bring me back. This person from my past became a ghost in a relationship she’d never even been part of. I’ve become more avoidant and afraid of connecting with people. My mental health and uneven recovery have cost me friendships. Recovery isn’t a straight line, and I’ve learned that people sometimes lose patience when you backslide too much or don’t recover quickly enough.

Even vacations and travel aren’t necessarily an escape. I can be somewhere beautiful and suddenly realize that mentally I’m back in 2020–2022 again. That’s probably the hardest loss to explain, because I don’t feel like I simply lost her. I feel like I lost part of myself.

I know rationally that I’m still me. I have the same memories, some of the same interests, and maybe there was never a clean dividing line between who I was then and who I am now. But it feels like that version of me died somewhere along the way and I’m all that’s left. I remember someone who could experience things more completely, become excited about the future, travel somewhere new and actually be there, and become close to someone without immediately preparing himself for what happens when they leave.

There’s something else that’s difficult to describe without sounding more dramatic than I mean it to. Sometimes the loss almost feels physical. I get this sensation in my chest, an emptiness that feels less like ordinary sadness and more like something is missing that should be there.

I’ve started thinking of it as a kind of phantom pain. Not literally, and I’m not trying to compare my experience to someone who has lost a limb. I mean it in the simplest sense: I feel the absence of something I remember having. Some part of my emotional life still seems to expect it to be there, reaches for it, and finds empty space instead. Maybe what I’m reaching for is her. Maybe it’s the future I thought I was going to have. Maybe it’s the person I remember being before all of this. I honestly don’t know anymore.

Now even good experiences can feel muted or distant. Joy, excitement, intimacy and sometimes even my physical surroundings don’t reach me with the same immediacy they once did. It’s like my ability to experience the world has been dulled. I’m still alive and functioning, but I feel like a different version of myself.

I miss the person I was.

There’s an old saying that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I think I’ve reached the point where the poison doesn’t do anything for me anymore, I’ve swallowed enough of it, I’ve lost my taste for it, I just want to stop drinking.
I’m not writing this because I hate her. There were years when she was extraordinarily important to me. She helped me through my mother’s illness and death. I loved her, and for a long time she genuinely was my friend, and a part of who I was. That’s part of what makes everything that followed so difficult to reconcile.

Sometimes I wonder whether she’ll ever understand what those years ultimately did to me. Maybe somehow she’ll read this someday. Maybe she never will. I was writing this in preparation to pursue trauma-focused treatment, and part of that process was accepting that I can’t make my recovery dependent on her understanding. I can only finally put the story somewhere outside my own head. (Health Insurance, started making too much money working IT, whole other story, still getting that back on track)

I’m curious whether anyone else here has had to grieve not only a friendship, but the version of themselves that seemed to disappear with it.

The other day I was thinking about how I haven’t spoken to a longtime friend of mine for a while now. The relationship naturally drifted out of life. We met about eight years ago and have been long distance friends. Looking back now I’m seeing how much more peaceful my life has been since we lost touch. She was a much more argumentative person than I was. She was very easily triggered, and yet the both of us connected on a deeper level and seemed to have a general understanding of each other since we’ve faced a lot of similar trauma. There was a part of me that had a great deal of empathy for her anger and her volatile side because I understood where it was coming from.

After getting into an abusive relationship, things got worse between the two of us. Since I was the one in our friend group who wasn’t afraid to talk to her about what was going on, I often got the projections of her anger. We got into some ugly fights. She would attack me out of nowhere. I couldn’t talk to her about anything anymore without it triggering her. The worst part was that she would pop back into my life after fights like nothing happened. There was no clarity, no repair. She would try to brush it under the rug, like she never would come at me out of nowhere, jump to wild conclusions, pick fights. Even when the relationship eventually ended between her and her ex, the trust and the comfort with her was completely broken that I was never able to fully repair it again.

Her and I haven’t talked in the last few months and I realized how much calmer my life is. As bummed as I am to lose her as a friend after so many years, I realized that it’s one of those situations where my trust and my comfort in her was so severely damaged, that I now see the eggshells I walked on with her. The emotional labor . The excuses I would make for her. I was constantly trying to justify and protect her. It’s wild how distance between two people can put things into perspective. It brings you peace that you didn’t realize you needed.

Więc.... Poznaliśmy się gdzieś przed wakacjami, mój dobry przyjaciel zaprosił mnie na grupę gdzie było kilka osób w tym pewna fajna dziewczyna, graliśmy praktycznie codziennie a z Natalką [ tak ją nazwijmy na potrzebę histori ] dogadywałem się naprawdę dobrze, i mimo szybkiej rozpady ekipy dalej rozmawialiśmy, graliśmy a nawet udało nam się spotkać, wydawało się że tak już zostanie ale po czasie wszystko zaczeło się zmieniać, poznała ona Damiania w którym się zakochała, wtedy też zaczeła mniej ze mną pisać, rozmawiać, i ogólnie spędzać we dwójkę czas, gdyby tego było mało moi super znajomi po znalezieniu jej konta odrazu zaczeli do niej pisać kłamiąc że ją obrażam, że ją kocham itp. [ oczywiście powiedziałem jej że to nieprawda ] sam już nw co powinienem zrobić, i czy to normalne, jest 1:00 a ja nw czy powinienem o tym z nią porozmawiać czy dać se spokój, dodam też że obaj chodzimy do szkoły przez co mamy mniej czasu na wszystko... Uważacie że powinienem z nią porozmawiać albo próbować częściej z nią pisać?