r/latebloomerlesbians • u/VariationUnusual6034 • 19h ago
Should there be a “VERY late bloomer” subreddit?
I’m newish here and am surprised to see young women, 20, 25, 27 on here. I’m not upset by this, it’s more unexpected. The amt of pressure one must feel at 22, thinking one is late to the game; I remember feeling so deeply when I was younger. While I can appreciate a younger experience, and can relate because Ive lived through similar issues, is there a place for older women (I’m 58) to talk about their experiences and questions? I’m seeking a place of contemporaries. Women in the autumn season. Any suggestions?
UPDATE: WOW. There’s been some great replies, more than I expected. I’ve read each one and I’ve had a bit of a shift in my thinking. I’m not saying I have it figured out but I’m seeing this could be a safe space for those who have had a heteronormative life and then begin questioning or moving toward a queer/lesbian identity. We who are older have some sound advice. Add a complicated history and could we possibly judge less? Whatever it is, I did not have a safe space to talk about my experience as a young person. I felt physically in danger and threatened with expulsion from everyone I knew. It was brutal. I came out again and again and was frightened into marrying a man. I want this for no young person. Bi, strictly queer, trans. I’m always a safe spot. I humbly thank all of you for your thoughtful replies. They were kind and expressive. To our young ones - only acceptance and welcome. I see it differently. I may join another group but I’m not leaving here.
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u/OldLadyMorgendorffer 19h ago
I get why a lot of younger people are on here, and it’s a good thing because it’s more acceptable to come out at a younger age now, but I also sometimes feel like I want a space for middle aged people who couldn’t come out decades ago and built a whole life in the closet
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u/CharcoalGurl 17h ago
Used to be in a discord group for 25+ and wow what a difference. It still had its issues but it was easier to chat I found.
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u/fiahhawt 15h ago
Frankly that’s how I treat this sub.
I found out when I was 20 but had some missteps on the road to actually dating women. I wanted to hear the experiences of people who really did take some time to come to terms with being lesbian.
This sub is for the grey hairs, the youngins best stay lurkin.
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u/tiny-doe 31m ago
This kinda feels bad bc I was told to come here as a lesbian who's inexperienced and in my early 30s. I don't think this sub should be only for "grey hairs" or lesbians that are currently in a heterosexual relationship and want out. Honestly I feel out of place in this subreddit and other lesbian subreddits bc of my lack of experience.
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u/fiahhawt 26m ago
... lovingly, you are the grey hair
Not like all over, but if you haven't got them yet then just give it six months
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u/PBJdeluxe 18h ago edited 18h ago
it's emotionally difficult for me to read posts from people who are in their like late teens to 20s especially. i understand that feels late to them bc people are figuring this stuff out as teens now, which is wonderful, but it's very unrelatable to those of us in our very middle to late middle age. every time i click on a thread and it starts out, "so i'm 22 and i feel like it's too late," i'm like GIRL and i click right back out. no offense to 22 year olds but some of us are in perimenopause over here lmao. time feels much more limited, and i do think that having over half your life over being a late bloomer is a very different experience than being 22. there's much more to grieve. i do want an older space.
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u/motherFtrucker150 17h ago
Same… though if it starts with “I’m 21” I don’t bother opening the thread at all. No disrespect to anyone’s journey, but so unrelatable to me.
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u/arcticLoop 16h ago
Clicking out of those post s to protect your own peace is a good approach. However, for those who can those are the posts where older bloomers can step in with wisdom, like to make them realise theyre not weird or late or bad or anything theyre just going through a journey a bit later than their peers. You can even suggest other groups, but like have you forgotten how hard it is to have perspective at 18? Everything feels like the end of the world and if you make one wrong decision then youll fuck up your life forever, people suffering with these pressures need older people around them who can help give them perspective and room to breathe and a reminder that they can take their time.
The other lesbian subs can also be pretty hostile to people who have slept with/dated men, which is harmful when youre trying to unpack your sexuality.
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u/VariationUnusual6034 14h ago
That’s a shift for me. I have heard there can be negative feedback when someone has “male baggage”. I’ve also heard it can be excluding and shaming. Maybe here we provide a safe space for those who have walked both sides. Late bloomer, meaning one who has been down a path with a man or at least not fully inhabited a queer identity. A young person identifying with a hetero lifestyle but then finding themselves making a different choice could find an ease here. One without shame or apologies. Which is exactly what I didn’t have as a young woman. No kindness and no one reaching to understand.
Thats a new perspective. Thank you for putting it kindly and clearly. I appreciate it.•
u/PBJdeluxe 14h ago
have you forgotten how hard it is to have perspective at 18? Everything feels like the end of the world and if you make one wrong decision then youll fuck up your life forever
well aware of it. this is the old "i like waffles" - oh so you HATE PANCAKES!? problem of internet discourse. i just didn't comment on it, or lots of other topics that could come up. i commented on my own experience and what was coming up for me regarding the question.
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u/arcticLoop 10h ago
I know, thats why for you specifically i included the first line, about how your approach is good
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u/Beautiful-Wallaby698 19h ago
I think you are in the right place, the 20 year olds not as much. I don’t know what to do about it
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u/farmkidLP 17h ago edited 17h ago
I don't think being a late bloomer is about age in the same way being a queer elder isn't really about age. I think this community is perfect for say, a 22 year old who grew up Mormon and was married with two kids before she even knew being gay was a thing a person could do. She would probably find a lot of solidarity and advice here that might be tougher in more general sapphic spaces.
I feel a little differently about a 22 year old coming here for advice because all of her friends came out in middle school. There's definitely nuance, I just don't think being younger should exclude someone from the late bloomer community.
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u/Worried_Platypus93 16h ago
Totally agree. I was a little "late" because I was 23 and had already been engaged to a guy, and dated several. I just was raised so evangelically it didn't feel like an option or possibility. I relate a lot more to people of any age who tried really hard to live in our heteronormative society and just couldn't
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u/farmkidLP 15h ago
Exactly! I think a lot of folks are confusing "latebloomer" with older. Fortunately, there is already an older lesbian subreddit, so I see no issues with letting this continue to be a space for any late boomers who need it. Although, I could see age specific tags maybe being useful.
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u/OkZookeepergame5300 14h ago
But is the older lesbian group filled with Gold star lesbians who don’t understand our journey?
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u/farmkidLP 14h ago
That's a good question and I don't have an answer. If it is, then that space would not be a good alternative. In that case, I would advocate for an older late bloomers sub, rather than making this one more restricted.
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15h ago
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u/VariationUnusual6034 14h ago
I don’t feel inadequate. And I want no one pushed out. This isn’t an attack. It was a question. I came here looking for peers. I asked if this was not the right place. I’ve gained new perspectives as I said in a previous response. It’s a new way to think about all of this. No one is threatened, insecure or angry. I’m navigating a new found freedom. And an ex husband and a child going off to college and menopause. I’m also new here and mean no disrespect or desire to shake things up. I come with an open heart and a whole bunch of grief for being too afraid to live as who I simply am. I’m humbled and sure. There is no attack on my part or call to arms. I’m just a middle aged woman trying to figure out my place in a new world where me having a partner of my choosing is ok.
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u/Beautiful-Wallaby698 15h ago edited 15h ago
your comment is unkind and unnecessary and way off base.
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u/ListeningtoThriller 12h ago
In any case, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have age based flair for this subreddit.
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u/StunningAddition4197 17h ago
46F here my life experience has been unique to living through the changes. When my mom and dad married at barely 18 they thought they would pray my dad’s gay away. Then the 80s hit when I was born and aids became a thing and Dad was having fun and mom was worried about aids and so she divorced. They have remained friends my whole life. Then came the 90s right when I moved to live with my dad and it was thought gay single men shouldn’t raise children. All through this I was told by others in derogatory tone that I’m gay. I felt I was a tomboy and still do, not necessarily a sexual orientation but just a neutral existence. Other people were more vocal about my sexual orientation then I gave it thought for a long time. And so with this lived experience it does make one feel very left behind at this age to finally maybe come to terms with their sexuality. And even where I am at is just the acceptance of myself without the pursuit of exploring it just because I’m not sure I’m ready even now. So very late is how I feel. But for the young ladies that feel like a late bloomer, so much progress has been made and that is really heartwarming to witness.
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u/SquashCat56 Bi and Proud 18h ago
This is up for discussion so often I wonder whether there should be a sticky post or an autoreply. It was up for debate a few years ago, and the community agreed then that late blooming is a situational thing, not an age thing.
Some women who come out at 22 may have been married with kids for several years before coming out, and since they have to go through divorce and dealing with the kids, they may have a similar coming out as someone who is 50 and in the same life situation (except for the amount of life lived, of course).
Whereas someone who comes out at 30 or 40 while single and childless is also a late bloomer because of age, but in a completely different life situation. So the community agreed to not set a boundary for late blooming based on age.
I do get the wish for a dedicated space, but just know that this space is also for you! I would love to see more posts and comments from people over 50. There used to be more of you guys around, and I miss it.
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u/VariationUnusual6034 18h ago
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. That makes sense. I never thought about some having a family young etc. That gives me some perspective.
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u/capricorny12 17h ago
I guess to me, in in my early 30s, even coming out at 18 would have felt like a big deal & somewhat late. I know people who been out earlier that that. To me I think it’s more about the journey & overcoming the things that held us back from coming out earlier.
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u/UnshelteredGardener 14h ago
I came out at 62. There are other older women in the sub, but it does generally skew more toward women in their 30s.
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u/regretsahead 19h ago
I was 31 and that felt late, the 20 year olds kill
Me so I can't even imagine how y'all feel. But it's much more common to come out early now ! Some of my friends even just a few years younger than me considered college "late."
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u/Tiny-Gur-4356 14h ago
I asked this question a few months ago when I first joined. I was surprised by what was considered late bloomer. I’m 50 turning 51, and I feel out of place here. I feel like I’m some sort creepy middle aged woman creeping around here.
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u/OkZookeepergame5300 14h ago
I do feel there needs to be a group for older late bloomers. I know others posted about subs for older lesbians, MY issue with them is gold star lesbians that don’t understand our journey. Nothing against them personally but not being able to connect with them is no different than not being able to connect with the 20 year olds here.
I did just join the new sub posted above Late Summer Lesbians. It says it’s for late bloomers 35+
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u/LostGrrl72 11h ago
I’ve thought this at times, but we’d end up having so many splinter groups it would be a bit much. I’m in my 50s, only a few years semi-out, and I like hearing from other women my age, but… I was never married to a man and I don’t have kids, so sometimes I find those posts hard to relate to. In the end, I’m just glad this space exists, and that we can all share our unique experiences, whilst gaining support, understanding and commonality from each other, regardless of our age.
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u/Talithathinks 18h ago
That seems like a great idea. I also thought late bloomer would mean more people in their forties and fifties.
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u/PastPrestigious4597 14h ago
I also thought late in life was over 40 lol I’m 55. I ready all the posts and I find a good mix of information even though it seems of the younger generation.
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u/Deep-Recover205 18h ago
It does seem like there’s a lot of posts from 18-22 year olds lately so I’m glad it’s not just me that’s noticed it. It almost seems like they need a space for just coming out, rather than feeling like a late bloomer? I think because of the internet young people are under the impression they need to come out at like 13-14 or they’re “late”
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u/PBJdeluxe 18h ago
It almost seems like they need a space for just coming out
this is a very good point. i feel like the very young people here are lost redditors but there's nowhere else for them to post about coming out maybe? because kids/teens are figuring things out so early now, "coming out" is almost no longer a thing and they feel weird about being "late" compared to peers?
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u/VariationUnusual6034 14h ago
Maybe late bloomers are a safe place to land for young ones? Women who have lived through much and made compromises can be easier? Just a thought.
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u/babymayor 15h ago
it’s bc of how brutally hostile most lesbian spaces on here to anyone discussing any sort of a past with men. it happens here sometimes in the comments but it’s pretty random and rare. most places they’ll just get “so you’re bisexual” regardless of any nuance. this is a very understanding place on the whole and i’m happy that lesbians have a place to discuss these issues, even if some posters are much younger than others. community spans all age groups, and it’s valuable to have perspectives from all walks of life. be the mentor you never had to someone who’s walking in your steps 🫶
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u/VariationUnusual6034 14h ago
I’m beginning to see this. I’ve responded to others similarly but wanted to thank you for a thoughtful reply. 🩷
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u/muppetous 14h ago
I got shit like this on THIS sub. I mentioned I was feeling complicated about separation from my (AMAB, now non-binary) ex, and was told by multiple people that I must be bi, in unfriendly tones. I would love for this community to be as inclusive as possible, even though I myself am in my mid-40s and am often confused by 20 year olds who see themselves as blooming late.
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u/babymayor 14h ago
yeah, i’m always sad when i see it happening here too. i always slightly suspect it’s people linked here who have a motive to gate keep but it doesn’t feel any less shitty
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u/PBJdeluxe 17h ago
i don't want to be a "VERY late bloomer." just start shoveling my grave i guess. it feels so depressing and old. can we call the young people early late bloomers instead? 😭
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u/mommy2maeve 17h ago
Ask and ye shall receive, u/VariationUnusual6034! Come join the new r/LateSummerLesbians! https://www.reddit.com/r/LateSummerLesbians/
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u/sarothwin 18h ago
Yes please. I was also surprised to see 20 somethings on here, as a nearly 40 year old.
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u/Deep_Hunter3118 14h ago
It makes me feel better to see your perspective. I'm 31 with 3 kids and have been married since I was 20. I have always liked girls, but up until 2 months ago I genuinely thought I was straight and never considered an alternative due to upbringing and lack of knowledge. I have so many years to look forward to if I can come out of the closet.
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u/Sure_Pineapple1935 13h ago
I agree! I think instead it would be great to have some age restrictions for this sub. I have been here for a while and recently there has been a big influx of 18-22 year olds kind of "taking over" the sub. 😬 I don't feel that is late-blooming. And, the thing is, there are a ton of bi and lesbian subs for young women. Those of us who are 40+ do NOT fit there.. we really just have this one.. So, it stinks to feel like you don't belong anymore to the one place we really should.
I also know life experiences vary, however, if I am double your age in my 40s, you aren't late, you're right on time.
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u/After_Bluejay_2739 10h ago
I’m only 36 but I’m pretty exasperated by the influx of posts here from teenagers and very young women who have little to no adult life experience. Their feelings matter, but I don’t think this is the right place for them.
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u/Additional-Zebra8174 15h ago
Yes. But also, people go through life at different paces. Of course, a person who was married for decades and has children will experience things differently and will have different topics, than someone without that level of life experience. But there are a lot of women in their 20s or early 30s in this sub, who are in long term committed relationships, or on a relatively set life trajectorie. Finding out that you are gay absolutely makes you feel "late". Because technically, you are. You are to late to do it the "right" way from the start and have to blow up your existing life and life plan. Even if, from your perspective, you feel like there is not a lot of common ground, from the other side, it feels like there is a lot of similarity. And it doesn't feel like a general lesbian sub can offer a lot of nuanced advice on how to tell your male fiancee that you're lesbian, lmao...
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u/marimbasticks Finally Free! 13h ago
I was only 25 when I realized I was not straight, but I had already been married to a man for 4 years. This community helped me make sense of what I was going through in a way that traditional lesbian communities just can't. Yes, some of the younger folks posting here could probably go elsewhere, but some of us really do need to be here. I am very thankful that I found the community here and it has been a real gift to my coming out experience. Let's not take that away from someone based only on their age.
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u/CamelEasy659 5h ago
Would you like to connect? I'm 24 married to a man and have a toddler and I only this year started really considering I might have never given myself a chance to consider that I'm a lesbian. I knew I was attracted to women, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to "Make it work with men" due to an evangelical Christian upbringing. I've been married 3.5 years, I love him to death, but not like a straight woman would.
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u/GamingGirlx3 9h ago
Idk I came out at 28, I was already married to my male partner of ten years, with my own home and career. Except for kids, which I don’t want anyway, I don’t see how the experience of a 58 year old is any different than mine, other than the denial going on for longer.
I never thought of „late“ blooming as an age but rather milestones.
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u/mahboilucas 15h ago
I'm all for more catered subs, just please don't make mods change this one to an exclusionary 30+ one where I can't relate to others in a similar situation.
I don't understand why some comments are so eager to push me out when I see we relate to eachother so far and I feel very much at home, even when I get to chat with 40+ women.
This is a good general subreddit and I wouldn't be infringing the older one. I just want a home.
At 27 I absolutely have never experienced a good liberal environment and a girlfriend. I came out last year having had solely male partners. It is very much late bloomer for someone like me who has established a life for herself and then promptly lost it by abandoning a heterosexual relationship and then changing my environment, having grown up in a church. I don't need to be 50+ with kids for that :( I want those women to have a home for themselves, but I also want to participate with them.
The traditional subreddits are awful. The 25+ one is a horrible sub filled with misandry and transphobia, where idk who actually gathers but I have left it a long time ago. Having found the women there quite discriminatory to my dating history and quite hostile as a whole. I feel like the traditional spaces solely support "gold stars" and I'm just not really into them.
So yes, I want you to have a space. Just please don't take away this one. Me coming out at 26 is still as valid when it comes to doing it late 🤍 we can share this one
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u/muppetous 14h ago
I'm 45, and believe you should have this space! Someone on this thread just created a sister subreddit for late bloomers over 40, and we can always have that and this.
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u/VariationUnusual6034 14h ago
I’m seeing this differently due to all the comments and input. It’s a safe space and in that light I understand more.
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u/Talithathinks 17h ago
A later bloomer subreddit will give some people a place to feel safe and understood. I think that is important. Not to say the younger women's experiences aren't valid but older women need to be able to feel seen have community as well.
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u/MILFonline 17h ago
I came out at 39 (I'm 42 now) and I was like, why is this subreddit full of people under 30 lolololol
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u/Butterscotchpills Het lag 18h ago
Yeah, I think anyone under 40 isn’t a late bloomer. (I’m in my twenties but I like to hype you ladies up)
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u/RecipeLongjumping367 17h ago
Just goes to show how nuanced it is! I def feel uncomfortable with the early twenties “late bloomers”, but I figured it out in my early thirties after a decade plus of marriage to a man, and that felt very late blooming!
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u/AmuighSanAer 8h ago
Thanks for posting this. I was feeling this and feeling very out of place at 48 with 4 kids blowing up my life with a divorce and all that goes with that.
But I have also felt out of place on other sapphic spaces, with women who have lived full brave queer lives (and a bit jealous of them in some ways 😅). I’ve read every single comment on here & I think it’s important to see what we have in common rather than the differences. As the youngest of 6 kids, I understand how frustrating it is to have my very adult valid experiences devalued by my age 60+ siblings. This feels like a similar thing.
A separate niche group might be a good idea though and we can be members of both. Not exclusionary, but also finding our niche. Big love to everyone ♥️
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u/MaybeTop8259 6h ago
Yes I agree. Also 58 and working out my emotions with how I'm feeling. I've suppressed them for so long it has become the norm. When I allow myself to look at a woman or think about how I might interact with another woman I feel a very different person. If I read a sapphic book, especially if it has erotic elements, it definitely stirs those feelings. I've been reading lots of posts and like yourself there are many that are so much younger. It does make you feel like you have missed the boat. Still trying to find some sort of group or club that I can join that isn't a 2 hour drive away!. I am married, and I have older children but I don't want to give up the life I have (too long a sorry for here so please don't judge). Have joined a few groups on Facebook but nothing has materialised yet.
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u/bokkeummyeon 4h ago
just make the space your own. it's completely understandable you want to have your own subreddit, but you can just take space here, I'm sure that there will be people who share your experiences.
also, I think it's incredibly important to have spaces with people of different ages, so I wouldn't want you all gone from here
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u/Datura_Rose 2h ago
Yep. 46 here. I'm always a bit confused when someone is in their 20s or early 30s.
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u/efvie 18h ago
Is there something that’s stopping you from talking about your experiences and questions here?
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u/VariationUnusual6034 18h ago
Great question. I have to think about the why a bit more.
My immediate not thought out response is that when I’m reading all these young people pour their hearts out I’m wondering if I’m in the right place. Who I am lived inside a life that didn’t support my truth. For decades. I came out at 17 in 1986 and was almost burnt at the stake. I was terrified. And part of me wants to make sure that where I pour my energy is the right place. I love young people. So so much. I feel charged with sending them blessings and hope. Older adults can talk such negativity about work ethic, phones, social media etc. I believe our young women are brave, beautiful and bold. I love it! So it’s not that I’m put off by youthful posts. It’s that I’m looking for my peers. Older women. Aged. A few grays. Credit history and sorrow and triumph, a chest of stored memories. Decades of life that can’t help but impart a wisdom of self. Hard earned self assurance. Like a worn set of stairs that creak. That’s my heart.•
u/OctoberPants 17h ago
Well said! I was 16 in 1986 and most of my friends were gay. My mind couldn’t go there yet re myself, and now that I’ve turned that mental kaleidoscope I’m seeing all the patterns of my life so differently. There’s a lot of unrealized grief there.
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u/Dry-Competition6451 17h ago
Wow, this was so beautiful. I agree, our younger women are just brave and full of life. They’re beautiful in so many ways. But I’m 36 and part of the reason I have no real attraction to women in their early-mid 20s is because of exactly what you described. I could never really put it into words, but there’s something so deeply beautiful and intriguing to me about a middle aged woman who’s been through similar things and has a life time of experiences. I just love it 🥰
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u/babbykale 17h ago
Why can’t mods just add a rule? Like anyone below 30 is clearly not a late bloomer. It doesn’t have to be as rigid as that but some language around who this sub is geared towards and referrals to other subs for people clearly fall outside of those guidelines
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u/mahboilucas 15h ago
Because this is just wrong. I'm 27 and have been a Christian until 18/19. I had 3 straight relationships and have never actually dated a woman before, having come out at 26.
I absolutely do not belong in traditional lesbian subs because I get called bisexual by them as someone who was almost engaged to a man.
Why invalidate us? I'm 100% for a new sub for older late bloomers. Just don't make me lose the only community that gets my experience because you don't understand it
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u/arcticLoop 17h ago
WOAH WTF ""anyone under 30 is clearly not a late bloomer" is an AWFUL take and enormously exclusionary. If youre not seeing the topics you want to discuss, then you should be posting about them to encourage discussion. If you see younget people and you dont want to provide them with any support, advice, or empathy then just ignore them, but to say young people arent welcome is rude if nothing else.
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u/babbykale 16h ago
You don’t have to agree with my opinion but that’s what it is. I would never speak baldly to someone on their post hence why myself (like many) don’t comment on posts from younger people. What solutions are you suggesting?
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u/arcticLoop 16h ago
I dont think you really need any solution from me because you seem to have figured out the obvious approach yourself! Simply ignore the posts that you dont relate to if you dont think that you can offer any support or kindness to another lost person.
But to say theyre not late bloomers just because they arent in peri/menopause is incredibly invalidating. It sounds like youre bitter because they figured it out sooner than you, almost like youd prefer that they spent their 20s and 30s stuck in a marriage to a man that makes them inexplicably unhappy until they are finally "old enough" to be welcomed as a late bloomer.
My suggestion is not to gatekeep the community from people who are seeking answers.
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u/muppetous 14h ago
Join this new sub and stop being exclusionary: https://www.reddit.com/r/LateSummerLesbians/
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u/piperisbored 19h ago
I thought latebloomer lesbian was anyone on the otherside of puberty, puberty being the period when most humans start to have big changes in their sexual organs and start to notice attraction.
obvi I could be wrong but that was always my take away from it and explains why there are women in here who consider themselves latebloomers at even 18yrs old.
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u/VariationUnusual6034 18h ago
I don’t see it quite that way. 18, to my 58 yo self, is the last stage of childhood. I think of a late bloomer as someone who is grown, created a life for herself, and finds during full adulthood that she needs to adjust in a different direction. That could include changing relationships, rethinking life rules and goals, moving, leaving a religion, splitting a 401k with an ex husband. Talking to her children about this new direction.
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u/piperisbored 17h ago
I can tell from the original post you don't see it that way, which is totally valid. Just wanted to offer a different perspective as to why the very young women in this sub might identify with the term latebloomer lesbian.
If you're an 18yr old who's never been really interested in boys like the rest of your peers who are not only interested but have already had partners throughout high school or has seen lesbian representation in media (far more than folks my age have), seeing adolescent lesbian characters who've got their sexuality figured out by 15, like seemingly everyone else, you might feel left behind, late to the party, a late bloomer even.
At least that's been my take away from the young 20 somethings I've spoken to who claim the latebloomer label.
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u/fernandfeather 19h ago
Same thought, 50 here.