I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm very, very likely a lesbian. It still feels weird to even type that.

Some quick background: I just turned 30. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married almost 9. We have 3 kids (8.5, 7, and 4.5) and honestly a small zoo, 11 animals total. I've identified as bisexual since high school, and after high school I went through a pretty promiscuous phase with men before I met him. My husband is a conservative Republican, which I think matters here, because since we got together he's told me I can't be bisexual anymore now that I'm married to a man.

Here's where I've landed after months of sitting with it. I genuinely love him. There isn't an ounce of hate or resentment in me toward him, he's my friend and the love between us is real. But I have zero sexual attraction to him anymore. Kissing kind of grosses me out now. I'm okay with cuddling, but only on my terms, and it feels like he only reaches for me when I'm already overstimulated and completely touched out.

Being attracted to women isn't the new part for me, I've always known that. The new part is realizing my attraction to men might have always been more aesthetic than actual desire. I still occasionally find a man attractive, but when I really look at it, it's the feminine ones (a gay guy, a straight guy with very feminine energy), and I've never once thought about actual sex with them. It's attraction in the abstract. Meanwhile, when my husband and I are intimate, I've spent a long time picturing being with a woman instead of him.

The thing that shook me most was my reading. I'm a huge romance and smut reader, and I've completely lost interest in anything with a man in it. I've started skipping the m/f scenes entirely, which is SO not me. That one felt like the floor moving, because a book doesn't want anything from me. It's just me and what actually turns me on, and it turns out that isn't men anymore.

So I'm most of the way to sure. But I want to feel truly solid before I do anything, because I don't want to go to him and say "I THINK I'm a lesbian." I want to be able to say "I am."

And that's the terrifying part. He's a very black and white thinker and pretty anxious. We've gone at least a month without sex now and I can tell it's eating at him, and I'm scared he's going to assume I'm cheating. I'm scared that telling him blows up not just our friendship but our entire life, with three kids and nearly a decade behind us. I've even worried he'll suggest we "open things up" so I can "find out," which feels gross to me and unfair to any woman who'd get pulled into it.

So for those of you who've been here: how did you KNOW it was really about being a lesbian and not just being done with your husband? Did the reading and fantasy shift happen to you too? And if you were married to a man when you figured it out, how did you eventually tell him? I feel really alone in this, it's not something I can bring to my friends, so thank you for reading.

I went through my teenage tumblr today (I’m now 30) and it is FULL of photos of beautiful women-close up’s of their face, in different settings, in bikini’s. There are ZERO equivalent photos of men. Did anyone else do this? I think I thought I was obsessed with the women in the photos because of their ‘aesthetic’….

Okay so fun fact about me, I work at a pediatrician clinc as reception!!! So,I get to see a lot of people and we have a handful of lesbian moms come in with their cute little babies 🥺🩷

And it just makes me feel really hopeful. Like, even though I don't plan on having children (ironic I know), just knowing that I live in a place that if I did want kids, I could with whomever becomes my wife!!!

It's just cute and makes me really happy to see.

I had to peel so many vinyl stickers and the lack of nails was killing me 😭

It been over a 1 year and 1/2 since my first girlfriend bumped me. I have tried to forget her but I just cant and I don’t know what to do. I don’t talked her, I don’t follow her on social media but I still have feeling for her. I hate that I haven’t move on with my dating life but I don’t even feel like dating anymore. I get sad when I see a couple just walking around. People tell that it take time to stop loving someone but i hate that it taking for long for me to stop having feeling for her. I wish that i was like her. She stop having feelings for me a long time ago. We only date for about 9 months but we were best friends for 2 years before we dated. I don’t have friends to talked about it because they are all straight or they don’t live in nyc. I feel like if I talk about how I feel to they will be bored 🥱 and say just get over her. I don’t like that it’s taking me so long to forget about her. This really sucks and I hate it. Am I the biggest loser

It been over a 1 year and 1/2 since my first girlfriend bumped me. I have tried to forget her but I just cant and I don’t know what to do. I don’t talked her, I don’t follow her on social media but I still have feeling for her. I hate that I haven’t move on with my dating life but I don’t even feel like dating anymore. I get sad when I see a couple just walking around. People tell that it take time to stop loving someone but i hate that it taking for long for me to stop having feeling for her. I wish that i was like her. She stop having feelings for me a long time ago. We only date for about 9 months but we were best friends for 2 years before we dated. I don’t have friends to talked about it because they are all straight or they don’t live in nyc. I feel like if I talk about how I feel to they will be bored 🥱 and say just get over her. I don’t like that it’s taking me so long to forget about her. This really sucks and I hate it. Am I the biggest loser

I've noticed among my age group 25+ a lot of ladies vape / smoke :,)

​

I feel like my qualms with dating, especially now that Im out as a lesbian and had been going on dates with women. It is so freaking hard to find someone that is 25-32 that doesnt smoke and doesn't drink.

​

I'm pretty forgiving on drinking as long as its not excessive and, it's becoming more normal for us younger adults to not drink at all or just not often.

​

Vaping...Why is that still popular? like usually 9/10 people I meet smoke in some variation. Especially weed.

​

I know I am not the only one that doesnt smoke or drink among my age group. it's just super hard to find someone that doesnt do both as well. Not to preach any superiority. I just prefer partners that dont at least smoke

​

and that's been pretty difficult. Literally my crush? dead now. saw her vaping 😭😭😭

​

Just some woes I have.

Y'all...I have a work crush. Like it's the epitome of crushing. I know NOTHING about her.

​

Context: I work as a receptionist in a medical building that's shared by a few different medical companies. I am only apart of one group. I know she's apart of a different group as, I only ever see her in passing.

​

She's pretty. That's really it. Thats All I know about her. is she gay? single? I don't know.

​

Will I do anything about it? No! I have moral OCD (literally) and feel like a creep as is!!! :,)

​

But I have a silly little crush!!! for the first time in a veryyy long time.

Happy Pride!! This is my first Pride Month as a lesbian, out, and that is so exciting for me. Though sadly I will not be going to any parades; where I live, I just don't feel safe doing that :,)

I don't have anyone I want to go with that would make me feel more comfortable being in big crowds either.... Making friends even in the LGBTQ+ spaces has been so hard, almost harder than dating.

Nothing new has changed since I last posted! No girlfriend; I still am not dating. Haven't gone to any sapphic events. Just living my routines, so I don't wanna be a broken record lol!!

But anyway! Happy Pride!!! Hope everyone does fun things and stays safe no matter where y'all live!! XD

Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈 Your safety and well-being come first, and there is no rush to come out if you aren't ready. You don't have to shout from the rooftops to celebrate; simply living your truth and protecting your peace is a valid and powerful form of Pride.

Ita not a filter, my camera just sucks lol

I overheard a woman describe her man and all the physical attributes and attractions she had to him, and her tone was like if she was talking about something exciting like a hobby or something she genuinely enjoyed.

I was like, yeah, that's not for me.

Y'all. Dating in this era is not for the weak, oh holy crud. TW- I just mention the words internalize homophobia and comphet, but I don't dive into them. And there are some mentions of sex, again, nothing in detail.

As a later-in-life lesbian, I am getting met with the very same dialogue from every woman I have connected with so far. Here is how it's been playing out for me for roughly three months.

-I decide to be transparent that I am newly out.
-I decide, for my sanity, to be transparent that I have never had sexual encounters with women before. The most I have done is kiss women, which was a very long time ago - in my teens.

-I am open about how I came to terms with my lesbianism and figuring myself out. How this isn't me still in self-discovery; I am dead ass 100% gay.

The dialogue I get met with has the same pattern. It will come about after lots and lots of chatting and texting back and forth, often and regularly, till they learn these two or three things about me.

First, it starts with the questioning of the validity of my certainty. Some are nice about it, some haven't been. I don't need sex to understand I am sexually attracted to women. Maybe some feel differently, and that's okay. I know myself and worked really hard to get to this point, without sex validating my attraction. (Not that it's wrong if someone does. This is just my personal experience)

Then it's always some variation of "This is new for me to date someone who's never been with a woman before..." Etc.

Look. I get it. There is a whole new ball game I am learning. I am diving into a culture for the first time that is so structurally and culturally different. I am very well aware that it is different than when I was deep in comphet and had a lot of internalized homophobia, dating men while in the closet.

Some seasoned lesbians are weary or just don't want to have to be the first. That is so fair.

But this is becoming a really heartbreaking theme for me. It's not like it was never posted on my apps when I had them. I was transparent on my profiles as I personally wanted those who matched with me to match because they didn't mind it. But it always ended up mattering.

The chats fizzle out, the text messages stop. And I am back at square one...wondering if anyone will tolerate me.

Like. It feels like applying for an entry-level job where you have a good idea of what you need to do for it. What the tasks would look like even though you've never worked this type of job before...only to get hit with the " we require five years of experience in _____ thing".

So like....on one hand I am damned with not having experience, and the catch 22 is I am attracting women who don't want to deal with being my first. So as a newly out and inexperienced lesbian am not gaining the experience that I apparently need, which would provide the 100% certainty that I am gay some would feel more comfortable I had.

This is very frustrating. And the more damning part is I can not do casual. I am too soft-hearted for it.

Y'all! I finally did it. I deleted the apps! Bumble, Hinge, and even HER. They were so dry and also, I was kinda getting down on myself. My insecurities were starting to get too loud so it was time to call it quits!

My dating journey isnt over. I have a goal to go to one, just one sapphic event this year by myself. Whatever comes of it, I'll build the bridges once there.

But it feels serendipitous. I can now dedicate my energy else where. I did reach out to matches I wanted to keep talking too, so I still have connections from the apps I've kept.

I think I realized that they just arent for me and that's okay.

Hopefully this makes sense. So. I came out I wanna say a month or so ago to my parents and it's been three months since I came out to my sister.

Everyone else, it's gotten more vague. They know but I haven't like, stated I am a lesbian with a that solid L.

So one, am I truly out if I'm not being explicit about being a Lesbian? Two. Cultural language.

The main point to this post is really, does it get easier to use language that centers around my lesbianism? Like from my identity as a lesbian, how I present, etc?

I feel like an imposter sometimes. Maybe that's neurodivergence being in a new space. New chapter of my life.

Idk. I still feel hesitant to tell people I am a Lesbian. To use words like fem, masc, etc. Not to say I'm not sure. I 100% am.

It could be I just care too much about what ppl think of me. (Im 25 ongoing 26).

**To add. A lack of lesbian peers and friends doesn't help but, to flip that...gaining more lesbian friend will help as well.

Does anyone have any fun plans? Is this your first LVW? Are there any events where you live? Are you going to celebrate in any way? How are we feeling about it?

I have a party on Saturday, and otherwise spending it with my girlfriend!

Tengo 35 años, y toda la vida he sospechado que soy lesbiana.

A los 17 le conté a una amiga lesbiana sobre mis dudas y lo que me dijo fue que no dudara de mi heterosexualidad, que ser lesbiana era muy difícil y sería mejor que yo no lo fuera, me asusté y dejé de cuestionarlo.

A mis 24 volví a cuestionarlo, lo platiqué con mi psicologa y me dijo que si no estaba segura y si había muchas dudas entonces no era lesbiana, "las lesbianas no dudan" así que dejé de cuestionar.

A los 26 decidí salir con una chica, le conté sobre mis dudas, claramente había atracción y decidimos seguir saliendo, después de un tiempo entré en pánico y le pedí que siguieramos como amigas.

Ahora a mis 35 me lo estoy cuestionando de nuevo, tuve un sueño maravilloso en donde salía con una chica y todo mi cuerpo se sintió vibrante, jamás me había pasado eso en vigilia ni en sueños, fue algo muy bello. Desde entonces decidí retomar el tema de que quizá soy lesbiana.

Descarto la idea de ser bisexual porque el sexo con hombres jamás ha sido placentero, siempre lo he sentido como un performance. Pero me pregunto ¿Algún día deja de haber dudas?

No he salido con ninguna chica desde los 26, actualmente estoy muy bloqueada y no me gusta nadie, entonces ¿Cómo saber ssi me gustan realmente las mujeres? ¿Será que sólo es obsesión mental?

He leído muchos post acá y me identifico totalmente con muchas de ustedes y digo "claro, es que soy lesbiana sólo que me cuesta admitirlo", pero luego pienso que quizá es una fantasía mía y debería abandonar la idea. ¿Alguna vez se va esa duda?

Muchas gracias por leerme.

I’ve been realizing more and more as I spend evenings swiping on dating apps, that almost everyone is a left. And it’s not them. It’s me. It all feels like… work?

I miss sex. Sometimes (rarely) I’m lonely. But honestly, I love having my whole place, time, and decisions to myself. I really do. And generally everything else is great, or at least okay. I’m healthy. My bills are paid. I love my friends and pets. Job is a routine I’m used to and don’t hate. Active in my community. And most of the time my peace seems to be the happiness I keep looking for in a relationship?

Anyone else single and thriving? Or is this just depression? (73% kidding)

It's been two weeks since I have taken a clean break off all my dating apps. The ones I use are Hinge, HER, and Bumble. All of them come with their pros and cons.

But, here lately I have been thinking of breaking up with these apps. I don't pay for them so they are not the easiest to nagivagate. Totally the whole point of the subscriptions -which is to make them more enticing to pay for --I just can't do it, they are expensive omg!

Though I was also thinking about how they make me feel. The comentary I tend to consume from others on them. Back when I was a teenager I even really didn't like the idea of these apps. To be marketing myself in such a superficial way. Not to discount the accessability apps.

For me. I tend to feel stripped to just my looks. Which is still a key in dating --to be attracted to who you are with. But there is a shallowness that I even fall into as I swipe to match.

Now --the good news. I am not going to quit dating. Considering my goal is intentional dating, what could be more intentional than putting myself out there in my area? Though...I live in the midwest in the US and want to move out west so...

I haven't made a concrete choice yet. I think I am still trying to even decide if dating at this point should be a priority considering I have plans to move out west with in the next 1.5 years (I got some things to take care of first before I can really save for such a big move.) The apps...I think HER and Bumble may stay for the way they also can prioritize finding friends and community as they have options for that. Hinge feels like the place to go for try and true romantic relationships so I may delete that app.

IDK. Just kinda yappin like usual haha.