r/islam • u/[deleted] • Feb 24 '25
Seeking Support What can I do? (Please help) :( NSFW
Hey brothers And sisters, I have a question to ask. My family, especially my parents are quite abusive. For both me and my siblings, however with an emphasis on me. They call me a selfish, useless piece of sh*t, when I‘m trying my best to help them whilst also my studies. For example, when I have an important assessment to work in and submit soon, my parents keep shouting at me, especially my mother to do a task, she said she doesn’t care, its my fault if I fail and responsible for my studies. I also have a part time job, where i don’t earn much, but I still give money and buy things for my family. Despite that, my parents still continue to call me selfish even though I still help them. When they need me to buy an item at the shops or when they need to borrow money, i dont second guess and just give it to them, despite that, Im still being called selfish.
On top of these other things, I cannot focus due to them constantly shouting in the house, loud tv, music playing or them calling me to do a chore. I try my best to focus, but every day, they are just shouting and berating at me and my siblings for even the smallest of mis takes. Especially me, they work stressful long hours jobs. Yes I get it. But why do they continue to target me the most out of my siblings, calling me a piece of shit, bastard, useless, selfish. Also, they constantly threaten to kick me out of the house because Im apparently being too “selfish”, and that I already have a job to pay rent (It’s not even close). Every now and then, they would threaten violence against me if I didn’t immediately listen to them. Me and my family aren’t muslims. But I am planning to convert to Islam soon, In Sha Allah. But, I feel helpless, I don’t want to tear my family apart by reporting my parents, nor do I want to move into my friends homes and burden them.
I know this is a test from Allah (Sabhanahu wa ta ala), but I best I can do at this moment is keep making dua and hope it gets answered. So please, I ask you. What are some of the best courses of action I can take to overcome my problem?
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u/Responsible_Race8752 Feb 24 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We don’t get to choose our blood family, but please remember that their hurtful words are not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them.
It’s important to set boundaries and protect your peace. You don’t have to give them access to you in ways that cause harm. It’s always okay to say no, especially when your well-being is at stake!
I truly hope you find the support system you deserve and, in time, make an exit plan! You are strong, and I believe in you! Stay strong, you’ve got this!!
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Feb 24 '25
Okay, this made my day better :)
Just a quick question thought, is it permissible to not engage with my parent’s unnecessary or idle talk? Like things that aren’t essential or helpful at all such as invites to haram/kafir celebrations? I just feel so uncomfortable every time Im there, most of the food is haram, pork and alcohol being served. It feels like walking around with extremely tight shoes. So let me know your Thoughts and opinions. Thanks :)
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u/Responsible_Race8752 Feb 24 '25
In Islam, maintaining family ties (silaturrahim) is important, which means we should show up when invited and stay connected in a respectful way.
I understand that social interactions can be overwhelming, but we never know how much time we have left with our relatives while they are still alive and well.
That said, you still have control over what you engage with. My suggestion is to show up at your best (well-prepared and not hungry) greet everyone warmly, smile, and be kind. Then, after about 30 minutes, you can politely excuse yourself, mentioning important school or work commitments. This way, you fulfill your duty while also prioritizing your well-being… 😊
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Feb 24 '25
That’s quite a reasonable approach. From now on, I’ll try to prep properly before going to an event, then try to leave within a set time.
Jazakhallah khair. I appreciate your help and advice. I hope everything goes well for you in this life and after :)
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u/Responsible_Race8752 Feb 24 '25
My pleasure! You remind me of my baby brother, and I truly hope you’re able to keep your peace and sanity in such a difficult environment.
Take care of yourself, and maybe treat yourself to some good noise-canceling headphones, they might help create a little escape when you need it. Stay strong! And thank you for the kind prays for me 🤍
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Feb 24 '25
I know this is hard, but focus on yourself and your future. Save money, study in a quiet place if you can, and don’t argue with them. If they try to hurt you, get help from someone you trust. Keep going—one day, you will be free and have a better life.
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Feb 24 '25
Just a question, would it be permissible to avoid speaking to my parents for the majority of the time? Like for example, I do somehow get a better life and move away, am I allowed to not engage with non essential or idle talk? I wouldn’t want them inviting me or my wife or children to any gatherings or haram celebrations. My parents are slightly islamaphobic especially my mother. I wouldn’t want her to have any influence on my children. I don't want them to lead astray or taught non Islamic traditions.
Thanks :)
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u/Master-Anything-6616 Feb 25 '25
Can I ask, where are you from?
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Feb 25 '25
Like nationality or current country I reside in?
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u/Master-Anything-6616 Feb 25 '25
Nationality :)
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u/anik158 Feb 24 '25
Cry out loud in Sujud and seek help from Allah who created the universe. Memories His names
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u/HistoricalLime3447 Feb 24 '25 edited Feb 24 '25
Allah chose your parents and situation. and there must be a reason why. it could be that your He is using your situation as a means to bring you closer to Islam, knowing it is a journey you could overcome.
and every hardship you are tested with is Allah’s way of elevating you to levels in Jannah that your good deeds just can’t reach.
the most important thing is to go through this test with sabr (patience) and leaning on Allah to get you out of it. but if you make any mistakes or sins along the way, always remember that Allah is the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful. so don’t be hard on yourself, especially on the tough days.
it seems that your heart is in the right place and that’s all that matters.
your parents are never going to appreciate you for as long as you live under their roof. as long as you don’t shout to your parents or treat them unkindly, it is totally permissible to draw distance between them and yourself.
accept Islam as soon as you can. all you have to do is take shahadah. don’t worry about the rest like praying or fasting or anything else. just take your shahadah and you will feel invincible because if it’s anyone that can help you get out of your situation, it is Allah. And He is the Best of Planners.
reduce conversations with your parents as much as you can so you don’t hear their hurtful words. if you’re able to, study at the library or anywhere out of the home. try not to let them see you if possible even.
you can wake up for morning prayer, then leave the house and go to the gym or go to the library or a cafe.
when you are older and in a more stable place, or able to move out, then you can come back and help your family.
DM me if you need any support.
you got this. Inshaallah you will reach your goals.
Edit: Changed ‘your soul chooses your parents’ to ‘Allah chooses your parents’
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Feb 24 '25
Wait, so I should convert now? Like due to my circumstances, I am massively restricted on two things: 1. Praying Fajr 2. Attending Jummah. For the fajr part, I live in a small home and sound easily spread especially at dusk and night, also my father wakes up around the same time that Fajr starts. For the Jummah part, my parents always monitor where I go and I cannot go to somewhere especially without a valid reason.
So, if I do theoretically convert to Islam, am I held accountable for missing prayers and jummah? Also, apparently one who consistently misses Jummah receives a seal on his heart. So that’s why Im still considering whether I should convert when I'm free from my restraints or that I should do it now, despite the risk and punishment that Allah (sabhanahu wa ta ala) might give me?
Thanks :)
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u/HistoricalLime3447 Feb 24 '25
You never know when is your time to die. It is much better that you die after professing your belief in Allah swt and His Prophet s.a.w.
You already believe in your heart!
I would encourage you to go to your nearest mosque and take your shahadah. Allah is Most Forgiving, so don’t worry at all about Fajr or Jummah.
It is way more dangerous / risky to die as a non-muslim and you don’t wanna take that chance 🙃
Once you take shahadah at the mosque, you will be exposed to a whole community of brothers in Islam who will give you advise about how to practise Islam in a safe way so that no harm befalls you.
And also remember, Allah is your best Protector. He will protect you if you make the intention to do Fajr. Do you have your own room? You can, for example, pretend that you are changing in your room and do a very quick 5 minute Fajr prayer.
As for Jummah, take it easy, you will find the opportunity in time to come. Allah is Most Forgiving! How old are you btw?
I pray that Allah will make it easy for you. And whoever is reading this, please also pray for this dear brother that he takes his shahadah soon and that Allah will ease his journey.
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Feb 25 '25
You can fake sleep and pray Fajr while laying down. This is permissible given the right circumstances. Praying Jummah is going to be tough, but you cannot be afraid of your parents and you may disobey them to fulfill your obligations. Remember, Allah is the best of planners. Put your full trust in Him, take the first step, and leave the rest to Him.
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Feb 24 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/HistoricalLime3447 Feb 24 '25
You are right. Thanks for asking!! It was something I heard growing up (by all my elders).
I went to search the source for you but found this instead - https://x.com/muftimenk/status/452121016836583424?s=46&t=f0e8dkOG5wxO3nZwXMlg0Q
I’ll edit my original post.
JazakAllah
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u/TrueYJ Feb 24 '25
Have you asked your friend(s) whether it would be a burden or not to move in with them first? That was just a question to ask yourself. Besides that, if you want to make it easier for yourself mentally, (I think) it would be better to find yourself a good reason to want to stay with your family (until you don’t have to). An example would be to stay for your siblings sake, because alhamdullilah you are aware of the truth that is Islam and (idk about you) but I wouldn’t want my siblings to fall into a harmful mindset like your parents because of them. So without telling them fully about Islam, find ways to put “trust in god” into their hearts so that they may find peace (whether it be big or small) in any situation. Same can be said for you. I’m sure you’ll be able to find ways through research and listening to stories of such ppl( who trust in god regardless of the situation and the outcomes etc). Did I make my example too long? Idk. There are other examples that mostly require hope but I usually don’t had good experiences with that. Continuing, you can become Muslim without your parents knowing( im sure you know how). First of all, the shahaadah is the “Key to Paradise”. You should grab hold of that key first since no one but you and Allah would know that you have the key. The actions that come after it are not compulsory for you to do. After all, you’re new and still learning. The Muslim ummah we’re not told to pray 5 times a day until after a decade later since Muhammad’s SAW prophethood( research more on that if you want). So take your time, find a way to not make prayer difficult for yourself. There’s no rush. After all, you have the “Key”, right?
Finally, I’m sure there are ways to calm your parents due to the fact that “ppl change”. But idk your parents, their views on their culture or the how the situation came to be. And even if I did, I’m not sure i could help there. So even though I hate hoping( cuz I hope I stupid stuff), I recommend you give small amount of hope that Allah provides you a way to calm their tone. (I’m only saying a small amount in case they never change. Cuz if it was a lot, it would just hurt you more.) You clearly care enough to not want to tear your family apart. I just don’t want you to tear yourself apart. I’ll be making dua for you.
Also where are you from?
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u/Temptated_Archives Feb 26 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
Be Patient for Allah has plans on his sleeves because of these reasons:
- Allah Says: "وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ" (Translation: "He (Allah) Provides In Places Where You Unexpect").
- The Prophet (ﷺ) Said: "مَنْ يُرِدِ اللَّهُ بِهِ خَيْرًا يُصِبْ مِنْهُ"." (Translation: ""If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.").
- When Prophet Zakariyyah (عليه السلام) Entered Maryam's Mihrab (Niche), He Saw that Maryam Had Winter Fruits During The Summer Or Summer Fruits During The Winter, So He Asked Maryam: "O Maryam, Where Did You Get These Fruits From?" Maryam Replied: "هُوَ مِنْ عِندِ ٱللَّهِ ۖ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَرْزُقُ مَن يَشَآءُ بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ ٣٧" (Translation: “It is from Allah. Surely Allah provides for whoever He wills without limit.”).
- When Allah Provides You With Something, He Is Shy When A Man Raises His Hands To Him, Only To Be Empty-Handed And Disappointed.
- If The Doors Of Rizq/Khayr Is Closed Infront Of You, Then Be Assured That Allah Will Give You Another Way To Rizq/Khayr.
- Allah Is Generous To His Servant, To The Point That He Takes Away The Answer Of Your Dua Because It's The Reason For The Person To Enter The Hellfire, So That's The Reason For Why Allah Put You In Such Place.
- Allah's Door Of Forgiveness Is Opened, So Ask Allah More As Many As You Want Because It Was Narrated That The Prophet (ﷺ) Said: " اللَّهُ أَكْثَرُ" (Translation: "Allah Is More To Be Asked").
- Prophet Ibrahim (عليه السلام) Suffered After His Father Rejected His Risala Or Message But He Didnt Lose His Hope For Allah And His Iman, The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) Also Suffered By Being Deprived And Being Persucated By The Quraysh And The People Of Makkah Al-Mukarammah But The Prophet Knows That Allah Has Plans For Him.
- Prophet Zakariyyah Said To Allah: "وَلَمْ أَكُنۢ بِدُعَآئِكَ رَبِّ شَقِيًّۭا ٤" (Translation: "You Never Let Me Down In My Supplication"), Even Prophet Ibrahim Said: "إِنَّ رَبِّى لَسَمِيعُ ٱلدُّعَآءِ ٣٩" (Translation: "Indeed, My Lord Listens To My Supplications").
- Allah Is With The Patient Ones, The Righteous Ones And Pious Ones, So Never Forget Allah, For He Is Al-Wadud (The Most Loving).
- Islam Prohibited All Forms Of Child Abuse Because Umar Ibn Al-Khattab Said To An Abusive Father: "you treated you son bad when he's young and now he is treating you bad in return when he is an adult" In Islamic Traditions, All Forms Of Child Abuse Is Considered A Kaba'ir Or A Major Sin.
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Feb 26 '25
Thank you for these digestible reminders. Jazakhallah Khair. May Allah (sabhanahu wa ta ala) award and be pleased with you.
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u/SwartzzInc Feb 24 '25
Apart from it being a test, in my experience people tend to pick on / bully the one they feel most threatened by or jealous of.
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