r/TwoXChromosomes • u/OkYogurt9274 • 11h ago
How to move on from being horrible at 17
I think from talking to older women a lot are regretful of their past behaviour as a teenager.
At 19 after a bit of maturing I’m reflecting on how awful I could be in the past. I was friends with a group of girls from the ages of 15-17 just as insecure as I was and we would often judge other girls and make comments about them. Two girls I was friends with have recently dredged up some of the things I would say, overlooking the fact they also were mean and cruel at this point in our lives.
Now I feel sick to my stomach remembering some of these comments and how I talked negatively about people behind their back. I’m a feminist and the thought I put other girls down disgusts me.
I’m also autistic which doesn’t excuse it but I feel I was doing it to try fit in a lot of the time, trying to copy my friends’ behaviour.
I know my 17 year old self was a version of me I have to learn to accept. I am both the 17 year old me and the 19 year old me who regrets and feels remorse for her past behaviour. All I can do now is strive to prove to myself I’ve changed everyday, even if I can’t prove to these past friends I’ve improved.
Is this a common experience for women growing up? Would really appreciate some advice and insight, tysm in advance :)
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u/Training_Speed2448 11h ago
Just don't do it anymore, you're good, nobody in the history of humanity hasn't regretted being a teenager I'm pretty sure
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u/Fuzzy_Redwood 1h ago
And OP, as some who has been bullied, we don’t want to hear from you for an apology.
Just be better and be grateful you have a chance to change.
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u/katiebertie 11h ago
We were all awful and we all have regrets over that. You are growing as your heart is breaking. Remember: Choose kindness.
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u/ArcticAcademic 10h ago
I don't think I've ever met a teenager who wasn't also self-absorbed, immature and prone to embarrassing behavior
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u/Bazoun Basically Dorothy Zbornak 10h ago
The curse of humanity is having to live with who we used to be. The blessing of humanity is that we can always do better than we did.
Forgive yourself for your previous mistakes, and move forward as a better person. That’s all you can do.
Hugs. Be grateful you were given an opportunity to do better.
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u/Fit-Butterscotch5523 10h ago
sounds like you were just insecure. most teenage girls are.
as one of the unicorns that was an autistic teenage girl who was very secure in themself and didnt really care to make friends, let alone fit in with them, i always tried to remind myself to give other girls grace about this kind of stuff, and i certainly dont hold it against them now, years later.
sorry if it sounds like im bragging or something lol, what im trying to say is that you shouldnt be so hard on yourself, because anyone with half a brain—even those like me who cant directly relate—will understand that you werent uniquely awful, and you were just trying to cope with the stress of growing up and being in school and everything else. that doesnt make how you behaved okay, but its an understandable situation and absolutely something that you can move on from.
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u/No_Blood_5393 10h ago
Don't guilt-trip yourself.
Teenagers are insecure. Putting other people down is a way to assert to yourself and to others that YOU understand the social norms and are well-ajusted to your environment - versus others who don't 'get it'.
If you're still friends with some people you've been mean to you can always try apologizing sincerely.
Other than that I have nothing to support that claim, but teenagers are usually awful + we all regret stuff we've done during these wierd years.
Be kind to yourself and strive towards becoming a better person.
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u/henicorina 10h ago
Unfortunately you will have to be embarrassed about your past behavior over and over and over again… pretty much across your entire life… but that’s just a sign that you’re still growing.
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u/Trickflo 8h ago
You cant change the past. Theres no point in being upset about things you cant change, just make an effort to be better in the future.
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u/olibolib 10h ago
People make mistakes, not just when young either. All we can try and do is to be better and learn from them.
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u/Quiet-Community-4675 10h ago
When you are a kid or a teenager, you are at a practicing time of life. You keep learning better and better ways to be. Congratulations on moving toward the Light!!
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u/Inevitable_Pride1925 10h ago
I (44) had many regrets from my younger years. To an extent time blunts those regrets. But really I just strive to make different choices today. I strive to be kind and empathetic and consider other feelings all while not ignoring my own.
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u/serenstar75 9h ago
As an autistic girl, it's likely you were definitely masking. I wasn't good at masking, only at being quiet. Went from talking a lot and excitedly to pretty much dim myself. My empathy was very strong. I'm 51 and regularly think of and wonder what happened to a girl from 3rd grade.
Teacher had a question and permission chair. A girl sat there waiting, but apparently she really needed to go and the teacher wasn't acknowledging her. I worry even now, on a regular basis, if she's doing OK and better and if she every handled the horrible embarrassment.
I'm a bit more vocal despite being dimmed and would just walk out of the class if I had to go. I was inclined to get in trouble between being the "she has so much potential if she's just turn in her work" girl. Anyway, I hope she's doing OK. I was never really in cliques
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u/DiscipulusVenandi 9h ago
That's actually really admirable that you can look back and feel bad about your actions. That shows you have grown as a person and are becoming more beautiful on the inside. ☺️
People who can't or won't see the wrong in their past negative behavior are not good to have around.
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u/Ferniferous_fern 10h ago
You'll pretty much always be cringing at yourself from any further back than 2-4 years, but 18-28ish is the worst because it's when you first experience it. Everyone's the most cringe before they hit age 20, and almost everyone is still cringe until they hit 25-30. The most you can do is be self-aware and avoid the cringe you were before. Over time, as you develop a stronger sense of self, cringe typically becomes less serious and more surface-level(like Gen X cringing at their old hairstyles, for example).
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u/YugeTraxofLand that new 20 tho 10h ago
I was mean when I was that age and honestly, until I was about 25. I have the clarity now to see that I was desperately unhappy/miserable, extremely depressed, and probably had some PTSD from my abusive upbringing. You have to give your younger self grace and just try to be better
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u/Dapper-Ad9787 10h ago
I think everyone cringes when they look back at that time of life. It's a time of rapid changes when you have one foot in adulthood and one still in childhood. Just be kind to yourself, you're human.
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u/Surferess 9h ago
We all do dumb things when we are young that we're not proud of. The first step is noticing that you don't want to be that guy anymore.
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u/ratstronaut 7h ago
I’m 44 and spent most of my young social life near the bottom of whatever bullshit hierarchy there was. And I knew it. So occasionally when another girl came in somewhere below me, I found it very easy to push her down.
And then I grew up, and now I would never, ever allow myself to behave that way. I was young and scared and felt like I was teetering on the edge of social isolation. I regret my bad behavior but I grew, and I grew up. Clearly you are too.
Don’t beat yourself up, just feel proud that you grew out of something dark that many people stay in all their lives. You did it! That’s something.
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u/530SSState b u t t s 7h ago
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could do. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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u/Saknika Babysitters Club Founder 7h ago
Yes, it's normal to cringe at your past self. Just wait until you're 30 and looking back at 19 year old you, it'll be an even more stark contrast in maturity.
I also participated in bullying a girl when I was around 15, trying to fit in and not be the one bullied. Terrible time in my life, and I have many regrets. That girl and I have both matured though, and we are civil with each other. We'd potentially be friends, but life took using two very separate directions. You can mend what you did, provided it wasn't too egregious.
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u/Eaudesawdust 6h ago
It’s developmentally appropriate to be a bit of an asshole during the teen years. You feel bad now because you’ve grown up and matured, but you don’t need to beat yourself up.
I had a crappy home life and I’m autistic and I had poor social role models and I was a horrendous little shit as a teenager and I don’t feel bad at all anymore. I was a kid. I also wore diapers as a baby, and it was developmentally appropriate at the time to soil them. I grew out of that at a pretty normal age too, so I don’t feel an ounce of shame about that either.
I was also a bit of a bossy liar as a kid, a lot of that was the autism and my upbringing, I don’t really feel bad about that either.
I dunno, it’s in the past. Give yourself a break. You did the best you could and you’re doing the best you can now right? That’s what matters
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u/One_Frame_2797 6h ago
YES I REGRET MY EARLY TENNAGE YEAR LIFE DECISIONS IM 18F NOW I STILL DO SOME WRONGS NOW AND STILL LEARNING ABOUT LIFE BUT YES EARLY TENNAGE TIME WAS HORRIBLE AND NAIVE DECISIONS EVER MADE FROM FRIENDSHIPS TO RELATIONSHIPS TO EDUCATION. I regret
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u/Anknara 3h ago
I'm 38, also autistic, and I cringed at my behaviour as a teenager for many years. But at a certain point, I became so far removed from it that I couldn't see myself in that child anymore. I was a pressure cooker of violence at home and bullying at school, was suicidal at a certain point, and was harming myself and bullying others in turn just to reduce the pressure. I look at my child today, and I can't wrap my head around what was done to me to create that teenager, because I would never be able to do that to him.
If I met my younger self today, I'd hug her (well, if she let me).
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u/La_danse_banana_slug 1h ago
"All I can do now is strive to prove to myself I’ve changed everyday, even if I can’t prove to these past friends I’ve improved." Yeah, that's true and you have nothing to prove to your friends. It sounds quite possible that your friends still have not outgrown the urge to pick on other women, and they have turned that urge against you because now that you are no longer as mean as them, you are mess-with-able. I have a strong feeling that any time you spend right now making new friends will come in extremely useful in the near future as the group becomes more comfortable using you as the black sheep. I hope that I am wrong, though.
The only real solace is that nearly everyone is embarrassed by what they did at 17, whether it was mean or cringe. The vast majority of us just quietly pretend it didn't happen.
One perspective is that change is one of the most difficult and respectable things a person can do. It's a skill, but people rarely talk about it because the blowback can be harsh if you're open about what you needed to change. Anyway, it's a skill and if you pay attention to yourself and your feelings and impulses as you go through this process, you can learn enormously important things about yourself and build this skill for the future. And even help other people along the process when they have to do it, too, if you're interested in that life path. People like counselors, parents, chaplains, AA sponsors, mentors, group leaders, they all do a much better job when they have insight into the skill of change.
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u/carlyfries33 10h ago
Oooo girl do I ever feel that.
My therapist says I have to love and accept my younger self the way she needed to be loved and accepted at that age.
You have learned from your past now you have to fogive your past kinda thing. Which I try, its hard cus young me was extremely moody and uncompromising at times, and the flash backs I get from this time in my life can still make me cringe.
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u/MlkWasABadChoice 10h ago edited 10h ago
Congratulations, you have grown as a person, your frontal lobe is more mature with still more development to go. Honestly kids and teens often don't have a full grasp on their empathy. Parenting, peer pressure, insecurity and home life are all things that can cause this behavior. Its good though that you're looking back with regret.
If you want, you could try to contact any person that may have been hurt in the past by you to apologize. My mother did so to the poor guy she would bully into giving her free cigarettes. It may help you move on! They may appreciate it too.
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u/Festive_Jetcar 10h ago
Well, I would say only contact these people if she hopes it will make them feel better. If she does it purely out of selfish reasons, has she changed that much?
(I'm not saying OP would, but how your response was framed was iffy.)
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u/MlkWasABadChoice 10h ago edited 10h ago
I can understand your perspective maybe on how I said it but I think its a bit harsh. Both things can be true. You can make a genuine amends with someone and get relief from the closure at the same time. The person may not even give her forgiveness its just a noble thing to do.
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u/Guineacabra 1h ago
I’m 37 and I can’t even think about 17 without wanting to crawl into a hole, I was a mess. There’s going to be lots of moments from your 20’s you look back on and cringe too. It’s part of developing.
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u/eggington69 53m ago
I’ve never thought of how to “move on” from a version of me I didn’t like. If I noticed that type of thing, I focus on what type of person I want to be and I try to live that reality. It takes a lot of mindfulness at first because it’s not just like “oh that stuff I did in the past was mean I’ll stop doing it” it’s like learning a new way to act in situations. I’d like reflect on the past day/week and realize I still had more progress to make. But I never thought of that as needing to move on better, I just thought of what I wanted to be doing in those situations instead. Idk if that makes sense.
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u/AngieM1998 10h ago edited 10h ago
Could it be you don’t have an identity? You’re whatever you are depending on who is around? Why were you around such hateful girls?
You gotta understand alot of girls call us slurs because they jealous, watch crap like Andrew Tate or simply babble whatever nonsense they heard from their parents and regurgitate.
I.e. being homophobic or slut-shaming or even being racist. You learn the behavior somewhere unfortunately. It’s all taught
I was always bi, since age 13, but would make vile homophobic jokes “I’d throw my kid out if they were gay” type shit up until I wanna say age 15/16 mostly because of my parents being homophobic but also me being ashamed of myself.
I had a girl in class poke fun of teen pregnancy “she should’ve been more careful” and I politely agree because yes you should be careful and use protection. I later learned she was pro life…I was on the fence about pro life and abortion topics due to not wanting to hurt feelings of others since it was a super important topic at a religious school and I only had sexual contact a few times and didn’t get pregnant so I was like “welp not pregnant so I guess I don’t need to have a voice on this” 🤷🏼♀️ but as I ended high school I was fully against pro life.
That’s funny cause a lot of us are careful and abstinence doesn’t work so birth control and abortion are the only two for us females. But she was pro life and stuff and didn’t wanna hear it. I tried to continue to be friends with her but I found it so odd that her best friend was a gay as a $3 bill. And usually pro lifers hate gays because well, they religious!!!
Then as time passes I see her at a bar at age 19, about four miles from where I was staying at the time, and she’s working there as a waitress and I was a guest trying to get food with my roommate and his kids. Back in 2018.
When I said hi to her she looked at me and kept walking. What a pos. Welp she claims she’s pro life but doesn’t care about my life🤷🏼♀️
As time passed I had a feeling she was never straight, never seen her online with men, and tbh I think she just needed women and girls to hate because well, she’s gay and doesn’t need dick so calling a teen pregnant girl a slut was easy for her because someone like her isn’t gonna have to worry about kids😂🤷🏼♀️
Another thing I did at that age was go and call a ex best friend a whore and a prostitute simply because she had relations with a guy I was already talking to. Later in I realized I was simply jealous but she was an ahole for doing what she did at her party.
However I’m no different. I ended up being a sex worker too . And I slept with a dude who I had beef with his baby mama due to a phone theft issues because we use to be friends (I almost went to jail with her over stolen property. Thankfully the person never pressed charges)
So really I was no different. But because this girl wronged me for no reason I hated her.
Yes you should feel guilty. And it’s good that you do feel this way now and not later in life, or never at all. It means you’ve changed. Some people are still pieces of shit at age 50. At least you have the presence of mind at 19 that you were wrong.
But yeah I’ve always been a super slutty whore ever since I was pffffffffff like 13???? The moment I felt horny as hell I went straight to pornhub and cleared my history so my mom wouldn’t find shit. I was masterbating and all sorts of crap. Talked to people and sent nudes online. Pfffffff all of it. My mom refused to teach me sex Ed so I learned it all myself and was getting laid at 16 and was super scared because condoms and plan b were all me and my friend K had. We got our sex Ed advice from girls who already did it or from strangers. Our parents were just not all there. Normal parents should have their teens use birth control and I asked and I was told a big “N-O” and my first was a partial black guy and my parents could never know about him cause they were racist, soooooooo
And girls at school had a lot to say about me. They even accused me of actually being homophobic when me and K stopped being friends because she was also bi. But that’s not why. It’s because we were almost kidnapped by a 21 year old we were going to meet up with to have sex with him and his “prolly not even real friend”. Doesn’t bother me though. Never wanted to attend Catholic school but I had to🤷🏼♀️ and most people now know the truth and are pretty chill with it, Even tho I thought they’d judge me and her for trying to sleep with older guys one guy friend I knew, did.
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u/tabicat1874 8h ago
Everyone is awful when they're 17. Everyone. You learned from your mistakes. Means you're growing up 👍
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u/Wild_Nefariousness_6 11h ago
I'm 35. I still cringe at the thought of some of the things I did and said when I was younger but something I've heard before that helps is that if you don't cringe at former versions of yourself that means you haven't grown. So in a way, feeling that way is a sign that you've matured and is actually a really good thing. Just try to be the best you you can be with the information you have and that's the best that any of us can do.