r/TwoXChromosomes • u/messychica • 16h ago
Guy (36M) I (30F) was seeing penetrated without condom (and without asking me first)
Guy (36M) I was seeing penetrated me (30F) without condom (and without asking me first)
Please don’t judge my age, since I haven’t had a lot of experience in relationships and also have social anxiety. We are in Spain.
I (30F) started seeing a guy (36M) about a month ago). We met through instagram dm’s. He was randomly messaging me for months and I didn’t reply because I didn’t know who he was.
So boredom got me and I decide to text him back and we started talking for a month. I start to like him because he was well spoken, hardworking and many other things I appreciate in a person.
After a month of talking we decide to meet. We went for a drink and, an hour in, he wants to start kissing me with tongue and touching me and I am not comfortable and really nervous. Then we went to his car, not gonna lie, I did feel attracted but at the same time he was giving me the creeps. We start kissing and I give in. And the he pulls down his pants and I freaked out because I thought he was gonna force me to suck his and I said “NO”. So he takes my hand and leads me to give him a handjob and I’m not comfortable still but I didn’t do anything to stop him.
So after that, we went to a couple more dates, and eventually ended up having sex three of those dates. We talked about using condoms specially since we are not a couple yet. And he brought them.
One of those occasion, we used all the condoms he had brought and then he wants to continue fingering me and obviously I’m with my eyes closed focused and then suddenly I feel something different and it was him penetrating me with his bare penis and I couldn’t do anything to get him off me specially since he was holding my wrists. He didn’t ask me beforehand :( I asked why’d he do that, and he just said “I felt like I trust you”. Wtf? (He ended up pulling out btw, but those were my ovulations days)
Now since thursday (last time we were together) he is been ignoring me and ghosting (I know he is interested and seeing someone new).
I feel fucking devastated, guilty, ashamed, I hate myself because I let this person do this to me. I literally took a shower and wanted to rip my skin off. I feel dirty.
Now I’m scared of an unwanted pregnancy (specially since I was literally ovulating those days) or sti, so scared of him giving me hiv or something else? I feel like my life has been ruined. Is this rape? Should I report this? How can I prove he did this?
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u/Youkilledmyrascal1 16h ago
I'm sorry you went though this. He was awful to you and none of it was your fault.
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15h ago
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u/Just-world_fallacy 14h ago
Stop blaming victims fr their socialisation. This guy knew very well what he was doing, he did not come to her screaming "I'M GONNA RAPE YOU !". OP is neither the first nor the last.
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u/wildberry-poptart ♥ 14h ago
We don't victim blame here.
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u/1stlunarbunny 14h ago
But we can teach others to be more assertive ! The guy is a rapist no question. Op did nothing wrong, but we need to get comfortable with the idea of making others uncomfortable if our safety is at risk.
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u/wildberry-poptart ♥ 14h ago
"Teaching someone to be assertive" by telling someone who was recently raped and assaulted that they should have said "no" isn't productive.
It's tone deaf and inappropriate. If you read her post, she did say no and he ignored it. This may have set the tone for future encounters.
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u/Usbey578 14h ago
I don't think it's victim blaming to remind a woman that they are a person with autonomy and they need to speak up like one.
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u/Ok_Guarantee_3497 13h ago
Women have been taught for centuries that they have no agency. It's relatively recent that this is starting to change. OP, you are not guilty of anything.
When do (generic) we teach boys there are boundaries, that no means no, and that they will be held accountable? Certainly not in the US as we are being dragged back to the Stone Age! I hope Spain is more progressive.
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u/CelestialWolfMoon 16h ago
This was not your fault. Please seek help if you can. What he did was a crime. He is not a safe person to be around. I’m sorry, OP.
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u/TheValiantWhippet 16h ago
The age isn't a problem, the rape is the issue. You should report it but know they will probably say it was a "misunderstanding" and may not even contact him. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I'm sorry it happened and it was NOT your fault
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u/After_Fee4949 16h ago edited 16h ago
Go test yourself for std and pregnancy. I'm so sorry that happened, that guy is a rapist asshole, file for a report to the police as well. You NEED self-respect and deserve so much better. ♥️
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u/SpindleSnap 16h ago edited 13h ago
Yes, this is rape, and I’m very sorry he did this to you. It’s not your fault you were taken* advantage of by someone awful.
Also all of the times he coerced/pressured you to do things or continue doing things when you were uncomfortable and not into it were not okay either.
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u/Plaxinator 16h ago
Yes, this is rape. You should report it, but be prepared to not be believed. Please also get an STI check and a pregnancy test just to ease your mind.
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u/SouthernHiker1 15h ago
I’m sorry he did this to you. Is it too late for plan B?
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u/qqweertyy 7h ago
Not too late! The sooner the more effective, but it could still help reduce risk. Ella and a copper IUD are also emergency contraception options if you can see a doctor urgently. 5 days is the cutoff for doing anything but really the sooner the better.
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u/Moriestiel 15h ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
He raped you. Unfortunately it sounds like, more than once. Forcing you to give him a handjob is also assault. I don't know about the general attitude of the police or laws about these type of rapes in Spain, but if you feel comfortable, report it. Take a friend. Even if you don't press charges, have them record it; odds are he's done it before and will do it again, maybe it will help him face consequences someday.
If it's less than 3 days after, get a morning after pill first thing tomorrow; it'll start up your period and prevent pregnancy. If it's been longer than that, make an appointment with your primary care doctor to talk about your fears and any possible options. Edit: definitely get tested for STDs.
Talk to someone you trust about this; you were violated, you're gonna need some help to process what happened.
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u/DontHaesMeBro 15h ago
Spain is progressive on paper but luck of the draw in practice as to how misogynistic the cops you get on a call actually are. There are men in that culture that think it's still the inquisition, unfortunately.
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u/Just-world_fallacy 14h ago
It can happen to anyone at any age. He is a rapist, this has nothing to do with you.
He is ignoring you now because he does not want accountability. You have to block him. Otherwise you are going to enter this endless loop of looking for closure from an abuser.
I think you should report it. It will feel terrible, but take a friend with you I would say.
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u/AngieM1998 14h ago
You need to get tested idk why you think we are worried about your age. We are worried for your safety and any new person you see a condom needs to be used because YOU DONT KNOW THEM
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u/Finally_doing_this 13h ago
Pls immediately go to the hospital to get tested. Like others have said there’s time sensitive meds they can give to help prevent pregnancy and HIV.
After that reach out or a rape crisis line- they’re usually open 24/7. They can help point you to resources ( therapists, etc) and if you want to press charges they can help guide you on the process.
I’m sorry this happened to you. In no way is this your fault.
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u/sysaphiswaits 16h ago
Yes. This is 100% rape. Absolutely no question about it. I don’t know enough about Spain if it would be safe or useful to report it. But definitely get tested and find out what your options are for ending a pregnancy, if that’s something you can be comfortable with.
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u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 15h ago
I am so sorry you were raped. Please reach out to support lines and a therapist to process this horrible event
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u/Alexis_J_M 15h ago
I don't know your local laws but in some places this is legally rape. In any case he forced himself on you doing something you had told him not to do.
You might want to talk to a counselor at a rape crisis center about how you are feeling.
Go to a pharmacy and get pregnancy prevention pills if it was only a few days ago. Go to a women's health clinic and ask about STD prevention -- there are drugs that are pretty good at preventing HIV infection and everything else is easier to treat the sooner it is detected.
Take photographs or screenshots of all your text messages with him if you talked about requiring condoms or if he "apologized" for assaulting you.
And for the future, if a guy repeatedly makes you feel uncomfortable, you are perfectly free to not go on any more dates with him. You said you don't have a lot of experience -- if a guy makes you feel unsafe, that's not normal and you shouldn't put up with that.
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u/Foggia1515 15h ago
Stealthing is a crime.
In Spain, stealthing can constitute a sexual assault (“agresión sexual”). Spain law specifically identifies secretly removing a condom during sex, or making someone believe a condom will be used when it is not, as an example of a non-consensual sexual act.
Penalty between 1 to 12 years in prison.
Tell the fucker. Sue him if you want. Nobody plays with your body and your feelings. This is abuse. And a crime.
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u/Just-world_fallacy 14h ago
DO NOT TELL SHIT TO THE GUY
You are just opening the door for mind games.
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u/ArpeggioTheUnbroken 15h ago
This was NOT your fault. I would absolutely consider this to be rape.
Again, this was not your fault but you need to learn to put a stop to situations when you feel uncomfortable. He was doing a lot of shady shit in the lead up to this that you weren't okay with. It's okay for you to tell someone "no, stop" and to leave the building if you don't like what they are doing.
Go get yourself tested for sti. Take Plan B if you are within the window for it to still work.
Never see the person again unless it's to press charges.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Please don't feel dirty or ashamed, you are not the one who did something wrong here, he is.
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u/MikeT_Hill 14h ago
I'm so sorry this sexual attack happened to you. From your description I'd call it rape. I hope you follow the advice of the comments above regarding getting tested and counseling and support. If you feel up to it you should report this criminal to law enforcement. Please understand this was NOT your fault. Good luck and best wishes
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u/rozery 15h ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you and it wasn’t your fault. You’re allowed to withdraw consent at any time, no matter what. I’m not sure if hospitals work the same where you live but usually if you go in and tell them what happened, you can get checked for STIs and they help you file a police report. I can’t promise police will really do anything but his name will be down somewhere and it could help another girl if he does this again.
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u/benhargrove1966 3h ago
If he didn’t ejaculate inside you your chance of being pregnant is so small as to be nonexistent. Similarly the chance of HIV transmission in PIV sex is extremely low. You should still get an STI test but your life definitely isn’t ruined (and with new medicines, if you have an STI it can be treated and you’ll be ok).
This is pretty unambiguously rape. Whether you want to report it is your decision. Personally I wouldn’t, but it’s your call and you don’t have to decide now. You should go to your GP and tell them what happened and get tested etc at least.
I say this kindly and not at all with the intention of victim blaming, because what happened is 100% on him: you need to learn to be more assertive, say no, and leave the situation if possible. You should not be going on more dates with someone who “creeps you out” and imo coerced you into sexual acts on the first date. If a guy kisses you and you aren’t feeling it, pull away, say no, and don’t agree to go to a second and more intimate location with him. I understand there are circumstances where it is safer to go along with things, but you had exit ramps here.
Will this prevent assault entirely? No, there’s always a chance someone who seems nice is not. But getting into bed with someone who has repeatedly pushed your sexual boundaries has a much higher risk of that happening than with someone who hasn’t.
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u/Kirito2014 14h ago
I’m sorry this happened to you. If you want to report it, you really should have done that before showering and never wash the clothes. The police would need all that and can do an R kit if you hadn’t showered.
That being said you can still report it but it would likely be a he said she said. It may help you get closure though. Also, maybe they can give you resources. This happened to my friend and he was able to get a voucher for subsidized housing and weekly therapy appointments. This won’t happen for everyone but it’s an example.
Don’t blame yourself, you can’t turn back time and hindsight is 20/20. Should you have not put yourself in risk situations? Of course not but you know that and no good will come from beating yourself up. You’re the victim and your actions don’t diminish that. Victims tend to blame themselves and they shouldn’t. No matter what you put yourself in, you didn’t ask to be raped. It’s that simple. If you walked down a dark alley and were stabbed would the stabbed be to blame or you for taking on a slight risk? Get it?
You should go to the doctor immediately and ask for HIV prevention meds, they need to be taken fast but they’ll likely give them to you regardless cause some prevention is better than none. They can also give you meds for other things.
Hopefully you’re in a pro choice state and if you are pregnant you can term it if you want, that should be your choice. Some states still make exceptions for Rape but a lot are limiting even that.
Seek therapy, you may not want to talk about it yet, but you’ll need someone you can vent to and that has tools that can help you heal mentally the last thing you want is to suffer in silence.
I’m really sorry you suffered through this, I am glad he didn’t hurt you beyond this trauma. Your life is important and better to be here and keep pushing on than not. Take care of yourself and know you’re not alone. There are many therapist and support groups out there if you want them.
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u/maskOfZero 13h ago
If you would like to speak to someone in Spain for support the 24/7 national number for women's help is (+34) 016. It is also available through WhatsApp and has support in English available on both +34 600000016 (from: https://violenciagenero.igualdad.gob.es/informacion-3/recursos/telefono016/). There is also online chat available through them at https://violenciagenero.igualdad.gob.es/
This website has a huge list of Spanish numbers you can contact for support as well. Do not think your issue is too trivial for support, this is considered sexual assault, and they can help you process it and with assistance on STI clinics/testing or anything else. https://wave-network.org/resource-hub/wave-data-explorer/spain/
016 is designed to help people like yourself, too. They can connect you with and provide counseling and assistance.
Also https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/spain-information-for-victims-of-rape-and-sexual-assault/spain-information-for-victims-of-rape-and-sexual-assault might be a helpful guide (even if you aren't British, it gives an overview) - you never have to report, do what helps you the most, the important part is your health and comfort- but if you choose to, this can help you. It also says:
The Spanish National Police have 173 UFAM Centres (Unidades de la Familia y la Mujer) throughout Spain specialised in assisting rape and sexual assault victims. The Civil Guard also have specialised units called EMUME (Equipo Mujer-Menor) which provide assistance to female victims and minors.
I'm sorry this happened. I've had similar experiences. There will be better people, and better days. I'm posting this as I am not sure Spain is where you're from and I know how difficult it can be navigating support networks and STI clinics away from home. You are not alone, and there are resources to help you.