I was raped twice, once at 14 and once at 18, by my ex boyfriend. I developed ptsd from the first time. I know that because of my condition I think about my experiences a lot but every so often it becomes so overwhelming that it’s essentially all I think about. Usually I just keep it to myself because I think most people aside from my therapist would find it off-putting to listen to me. I don’t use social media a lot and I don’t typically give out identifying information. My ex has a history of stalking me and I’m afraid he might see one of my posts and identify me somehow. I know I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing but I feel so desperate for other people to acknowledge what I went through. Does anyone else experience something like this? Where they can’t stop thinking about it more than usual? I’ve never posted on social media platforms much before and I can feel that craving validation from people online is affecting me somehow. I feel like some sick disgusting person from how much I think about it. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. If it was so terrible why can’t I stop thinking about it? Why in the world am I posting about it?

I (19) Female invited someone (M19) I was attracted to over my house after a party. We were both intoxicated but I let him know beforehand that I did not want to do anything besides tamer things and he didn’t have a condom so I was just expecting kissing and MAYBE some hand work. Well we were kissing and I was fully dressed but I felt him move my shorts to the side

I asked him if it was his hand multiple times and he said yes, but i felt something bigger go inside of me and his hips were against mine and he started moving. I asked him like I thought it was his hand and he said no it was at first.

I called him weird and cussed him out and said No but he did not get off of me so I just gave up & eventually participated

Is this my fault?

Was painfully raped repeatedly (30+ times) as a 17 y/o in a foreign country by the first person I ever truly romantically loved. And probably the last. Developed psychosis due to that and lack of sleep and stress. Failed out of college the next year. I’ve blacked out much of the memories but I have PTSD from it.

I was raped again at 21. Endured years of abuse from this person. I identify as acespec now. But I have little drive to ever find any partner again.

I read about love in books or see it in movies and I don’t believe in it, I don’t believe I can ever have it. It feels pointless. I feel broken inside I feel wrong I feel utterly wrong. I feel weak. I feel utterly stupid and betrayed. I feel so fucking lonely and like something huge and precious was taken from me. I used to be angry. I’m not anymore. Just exhausted. Confused. I don’t see a point to going on.

sometimes being repeatedly forced to have sex with someone does funny things to your head. you might start feeling some sick attachment. you might even start thinking you love him. or that you need him to decide things for you and take care of you. maybe you even miss him and consider going back. maybe you fantasize about it happening again. maybe you feel a strong desire for comforting but only from him. maybe you keep it to yourself because people get angry when you say things like that. maybe youre so ashamed you have to cover your face in your hands and say nothing.

The first time I went to this guy's place, he played with my vigina while I was sleeping. I woke up to him playing with it and enjoying it. I was in so much denial that I went back to him this Sunday and he got me an edible and he said he doesn't do weed and smoke cigs but yesterday he took the edible and was smoking cigs. Anyway yesterday as I laid in his bed and was trying to fall asleep but my body wouldn't let me ... so I faked sleep and as I was doing that he was touching me again, like rubbing my body and I could feel his penis got hard and pulsated as he did it. And he kept checking if I was actually asleep like looking at me dead in the face and checking if I was asleep it was so uncomfortable. He's mother is also weird. She was up in the late hours of the morning with him. And when things got too much I asked if he could take me home he kept stalling it. Like he literally took 45 minutes before I could go home. I went to go sit in his car and he got in and out of the car about 5 times to check something. Was my life in danger. Help.

hi everyone, I'm in my late twenties (female) and have never had a boyfriend...

I was date raped twice 4 years ago, and again 2 years ago.

I have other sexual trauma too, in childhood, teenhood, and adulthood.

I also have been a sex worker since I was 17.

I want a boyfriend, but I am terrified to try dating again. I'm so afraid of it happening again. I'm afraid of men. But I'm starting to get older and I feel like I'm running out of time to find love. I feel like theres something wrong with me that I havent had a relationship. Would men even want me when Im this damaged?

What should I do? Are there methods to not feel afraid? How do you trust men again? How do you trust people again in general?

In March, I was hanging out with this guy thats 20 years older than me and I was laying on the bad on my stomach and he crawled on top of me and started touching me and stuff, I managed to get him off me but then later he forced me to deep throat him and then fingered me really roughly and when I tried to get him to stop he ignored me, but im still not sure if it was rape or not? We were fooling around and doing stuff already but he just took it to far and I made it obvious I wanted to stop. After this I hooked up with a guy and penetration really hurt when I haven't had an issue with it before and other guys i've been with since have fingered me and it just hurts but whenever I do stuff on my own its completely fine and everything feels good. Its now september and I was making out with a guy on the weekend and he started touching me and I just moved off of him and started crying even though i've done stuff with him before and I'm really comfortable with him and he's never tried anything bad, im just confused.

So, im the person, who, doesnt care much bout when happened. I wanna move on yk. But i cant. Like, i spemd 13 hours sleeping. Assignment is due three weeks. God has been merciful, he gave me holiday after holiday, one day girls were took to picnic, another day , the kindergardeners were taken to picnic, next day, middle schoolers were taken to picnic. Another day rain, god has been very helful. But, my lazy mind, would just prefer to sleep or cry. Im tired of it. Advise plz, my teacher will kill me.

So it was going dark and I was at my best friends house. She lives alone and we drink alcohol together

I got a little drunk and she proposed having sex with me. I don't remember everything right but i was very confused and stressed when she asked that and i agreed out of panic. I told her a while after that i dont really want this and she didnt react or do anything

During it i was to akward and scared to say no

Sorry for bad English

I feel like I sound like a dick for what I’m about to say but I want some advice from someone who will know what I should do. I’ve been with my boyfriend(18m) for a year now and this morning he told me in conversation that as a kid he had been assaulted by his cousin. I’m not going to spill all of his business here because it’s not my story to tell but I’ll just say that because it’s the relevant part. He didn’t seem super upset but it was brought up because of something I did. I had been touching his chest playfully (this is something I do often that he’s never had an actual issue with, we play fight a lot) and he said jokingly “I feel like I’m being molested, I’ve already had that happen once”. I pulled my hands back and asked what he meant, apparently he had thought he had already told me about it but he hadn’t. He explained what had happened and I didn’t really know what to say, he didn’t treat it like a big deal so I didn’t want to make it one but also I wanted to make sure he knew that what had happened wasn’t okay. my boyfriend has a thing where he feels like everything is his fault and that he do deserve space the way everyone else does and I try really hard to help him heal this and learn that he is deserving of love and respect just like everyone else. I ended up just saying that I hope he doesn’t talk to this cousin anymore to which he responded that he does and that they live next door to him (no one ever found out about the assault). I’ve met that cousin and I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to look him in the eyes again without ripping him apart, I hate that this could have happened to my bf. I wish I had been there to protect him because he really is the sweetest most generous person and all I want is to protect him from everything.

That’s one thing I’m grappling with a bit is how I’m going to ever be around that family member. I want to say that I want to cut them off but I know that’s not my place.

I’m also struggling though with now overthinking everything I do and have done trying to figure out if I’ve ever pushed him too far or made him feel uncomfortable and he just never told me. I know he’s had girls in the past push him to do things he’s uncomfortable with so I always try to be careful not to but I’m just overthinking now.

Can yall give me some advice please? I personally haven’t dealt with SA of any kind so I’m not sure what to do. I’m kind of just sorting through my thoughts here. I feel like an ass for writing this because it seems like I’m making it about me and it’s not but I just want to make sure I’m doing what I should for my bf.

alguien paso algo similar? nesecito consejos , todos los días reviví el trauma

'cause I'm starting to do this now since last year. it was the last time I experienced such a thing ( it happened multiple times during my previous relationship. ), and I felt the need to celebrate this since I finally got free from experiencing it ever again at the hands of my abuser, and I even think that it's worth celebrating. anyone else does this ?

After a three year long legal battle, my rapist was found not guilty in court today and his defense that everything was consensual was accepted by the judge, who said she doesn’t believe I didn’t want to because I sat on his lap. He’s now also posted an instagram story taunting me.

I'm trying to find out what happened to me 9 years ago. I was 19 and went home with a guy. I'm a woman, (now identifying as non binary and lesbian.) I was a virgin at the time and just expected we were gonna have 'normal' sex, so just vaginal intercourse. I never had sex before or done anything sexual, just kissed a girl once or twice. Anyway, we went to his house, showered together etc. Then we went to his room to go and have sex and somewhere at this point I told him I was still a virgin. He said something like, I'm not the right person to take your virginity and bla bla bla. And then he proposed to have anal sex... And basically persuaded me to have it, I didn't know what to do, I didn't feel like I could say no, I didn't really know what sex was supposed to be like, so I just went along. It hurt a lot. Nine months later the exact same thing happened again (with another guy) as I was still a virgin (still hadn't had vaginal sex).

2 years after this I was orally raped by a men much older then me in my own room. I don't remember much of it. But I started to realise recently that this was rape and it made me realize what happened to me at 19 was wrong too.

So have I been raped both those first two times?

I feel like this has really fucked me up and put be so deep in the closet that I was starting to come out off at the time. The next 8 years have just been me trying to find safety with men. I don't think I've ever been into men at all, and it's so triggering for me to realize what has happened and how far I drifted away from myself. A week ago I stayed over at a semi-friends house and he almost had sex with me, fortunately he didn't go through with it. I don't know if I would have been able to have said no. I broke down crying the next day realizing I really really don't want to be with men at all.

‼️TRIGGER WARNING: POST CONTAINS ABUSE AND NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOUR‼️

Sorry in advanced for the long post!
If you’d just like to ready the main parts of this post I’ll try to put the important parts in bold and underline them!

I’m a 8 time sexual assault survivor and I’ve experienced A LOT of domestic violence/abuse.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD from an almost 6 year violent relationship with my first baby daddy who was extremely toxic and a true narcissist at heart!!

I’ve also never once in my 24 years of living been in a romantic relationship with a man that WASN’T abusive! Abusive men in relationships is literally all I know!!

So idk if I ALSO have PTSD (idk if you an have both PTSD and CPTSD) but after leaving my first baby daddy i originally got diagnosed with PTSD but then a little while later after speaking to my psychiatrist they changed my diagnoses to CPTSD and after researching the difference between the two and what each is like I’m positive they got it right this time!

Im not officially in a relationship with this guy, let’s call him “J” but we’ve been talking for about a month now, we’ve hung out in person a good amount of times and have had A LOT of deep conversations and have both asked each other SO MANY questions about our lives, our pasts, relationships, trauma, etc…

We actually have A LOT in common and get alone extremely well!

Being treated right by a man for the very first does does feel absolutely incredible! He’s the very first man that I’ve ever truly felt safe with and in the presence of!

Our relationship is actually healthy and respectful, weird right?
I’m so not used to any man in my life treating me right but especially in a romantic relationship…it feels amazing but has also brought up some unexpected feelings of confusing, disbelief and a lot of anxiety!

Being treated right by a man for the first time has me feeling unsettled and anxious!

I’m experiencing a very unfamiliar calm…the true kindness, respect and consistency he’s been showing me feels VERY strange. I’m just so used to the constant drama, unpredictability and the many mixed signals from my past partners!

I find myself always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m constantly on high alert, looking for hidden warning signs and overthinking everything!

It’s almost like my nervous system was taught to expect harm/danger, manipulation, betrayal, lies, as well as expecting to endure some form of physical and emotional pain!

Since I quite literally ONLY know trauma in romantic relationships, no abuse feels confusing and not real!

He’s been showing me clear communication, consistency and respect, i actually feel emotional safe with him!

Im kind of in disbelief. Im constantly thinking that he’s tricking me and I feel like this is too good to be true!

I honestly have a weird mix of desperately needing to flee and wanting closeness with him. The fear is making me want to push him away (which is actually the LAST thing I want!) I’ve already caught myself almost self sabotaging a few times, I want to run from him in order to stay in control of any possible pain and me having to experience any more trauma…

I’ve also been feeling extremely ANGRY at the fact that I allowed and actually believed i deserved to be treated the way I was by men in my past relationships! Like how could someone treat me like that and not even feel a little guilty about it? what is wrong with some people??!

I’m scared that when we have our first argument that It’ll spark fear in me…I’m worried I’ll shut down my communication or the argument will make me feel like I’m back in my past!

From the very moment that I realized I ACTUALLY was safe with J it’s all an underlying exhaustion, deep emotions and memories of my past surfaces all at once!

IS IT NOTMAL FOR IT TO FEEL SO WEIRD??

Anyone have any advice on how to navigate this transition and cope with all of these feelings?

I grew up with my mom and siblings and my mom was an alcoholic that neglected us. Not only she was an alcoholic but also would have sex with her bfs with the door open and not tried to hide sexual relationships with us (kids at that time). I think this affected us pretty much and i blame her for it.
Short after, when i was around 9/10, i was molested by my older sister ( she is 2 years older than me). The first time it happened i was very nervous and confusing. I knew that it was wrong but i didn’t say “no” to her. That time, i didn’t know she had been abused before and that she turned hypersexual so that’s why she did it to me.
After, it happened several times and i started to enjoy it. I was feeling very conflited about the whole situation because i knew it was wrong but we were just kids.
Eventually it stopped but it affected us pretty bad. I started doing things i shouldnt for someone that was 13/14 like drinking and smoking. My sister that was 2 years older started hanging out with bad people and started selling her own body.
It’s hard for me to point out how and when it went wrong. The fact that my mom neglected us and the fact that my sister was abused before she molested me and also the fact that i didn’t do anything to stop it or trying to get help from a teacher or from my grandparents.
Now i can’t move on and i can’t stop thinking about it. I need help

My Bf '20M' and I '21F' have been together for two years, in-fact it's our anniversary today. He did it once before when I was giving head and he promised he wouldn't push my head in and face fuck, and he did it anyway until i cried. Yesterday I asked him to stop fingering me after he promised he wouldn't make the massage sexual but he kept going anyway. I asked him multiple times to stop but he didnt. In hindsight I couldve kicked him off but I just stayed there and I was really sad. The first time something like this happened (the head one) I told him I'd break up with him the next time it happened and well it happened yesterday. Theres other times when I tell him to not go under my underwear and he would anyway, or to not go with his head there and he would anyway. I'm not sure if this is SA cuz it wasn't really penetration or anything.

Now other than this, he's such a good bf. I love him so much, he's kind, he's generous and loving. He always takes care of me and other than this we have a healthy relationship. I've never had to question loyalty with him, and he's a good person. He genuinely is a loving and kind bf. I'm just so disappointed that this happened. We've been long distance for two years and I just moved to his city last week. We've stayed with each other throughout the two years as well. It's both of our first relationships. I'm just providing context, I dont know what to do. How do I move on from this? I love him so much but I know this isn't something light. Has anyone experienced this and stayed with their partner?

TW

After being in chaotic household growing up and a long term toxic relationship I would always see other couples and friends do fun things and look happy and I’d always feel like I’m 1000 miles away from such a life. I was in a bad relationship:

He makes me feel crazy and that everything wasn’t so bad

I can’t bring myself to date anyone. The thought of being with someone else just feels impossible right now.

I don’t know how to move past everything that happened. I’m completely stuck, like I’m trapped in this loop of memories and I can’t break free. Every single day I wake up with this pit of anxiety in my stomach. I feel disgusting thinking about it all, going over and over every detail until I make myself sick. Look, he’s not evil or anything - I think he’s just really messed up mentally. But that doesn’t make any of this easier.

So I finally found a new therapist. It’s been forever since I’ve done therapy, and right now we’re just talking about surface stuff - what happened this week, practical things. But there’s all this heavy shit I need to get into and I’m terrified to even say it out loud. How do you tell someone you were in an abusive relationship? Just saying those words makes me feel insane.

I’m stuck in this one way of thinking and I can’t get out. I don’t trust anyone anymore, but I keep texting him, keep seeing him even though I know it’s destroying me. Part of me just can’t handle the idea of starting completely over.

Everything feels foggy lately. I’m numb but anxious at the same time, like I’m floating around in my own head. I replay the same moments over and over, trying to figure out what really happened. I saw him again recently and now I just feel like an idiot. I had broken up with him months ago and was actually starting to feel okay. Now it’s like I’m being dragged back into this nightmare.

We were together for five years. There were good times, I guess, but there were also so many times I was genuinely scared of him. Times when I felt completely powerless and alone. Things would be fine and then something horrible would happen, and afterwards he’d act like nothing ever happened. I started questioning if I was remembering things right, if I was losing my mind.

I’ve been avoiding saying this, but I think the relationship was abusive. And now I’m in this awful place where I feel torn apart inside. I don’t want to destroy his life - he has nothing. No money, nowhere stable to live, serious mental health problems. But what he did to me was horrible. I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.

His family either ignores what he does or makes excuses for him. When I try to talk about it, they make me feel like I’m crazy - not just him, but them too. It makes me doubt everything.

Here’s what I know happened:

One time I was crying and he slapped me across the face. The more I cried, the angrier he got.

He pushed me into a towel rack and dented it because I accidentally tossed his pants and they hit his face.

He tried to force me to drink shroom tea. When I said no, he kept shoving it at me until it spilled everywhere, then he slapped me and called me a stupid bitch. Said I was the problem.

He got drunk and stormed into my apartment screaming that I abandoned him. He threw my stuff around, ripped my shirt off me, and held me down. My roommate had to physically kick him out.

The first time he grabbed my throat, I was half-naked. I had to do a Zoom meeting after with a scratchy voice. When I brought it up later, he said it was sexual and that I was exaggerating.

He wouldn’t drive me to work unless we had sex first. If I cried or was running late, he’d threaten to just leave me there.

During sex, when he got frustrated or couldn’t get hard, he’d pinch me hard, pull my hair, and call me names. He’d accuse me of cheating or being a bitch.

Once he climbed on top of me and hit me in the head multiple times because I accidentally hit his eye with his pants.

He drove like a maniac, pulling my hair and saying we were both going to die because I talked about leaving him. I had a complete panic attack.

He choked me. Multiple times. Not for long, but long enough to scare the hell out of me.

He wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom during sex. Even when I was crying, he wouldn’t let me stop.

His cousin heard me crying during a fight and came in to check. He got even more pissed and blamed me for letting someone see me like that.

When his brother was staying in the same room, he made me have sex with him in the bathroom. I felt so humiliated but didn’t know how to say no.

He used to “check” me to see if I’d been with other guys, while he was out there cheating on me.

He bit my face when he was angry and held me down, poking me in the chest while I cried.

I think early in our relationship he did something sexual to me when I was half-asleep after getting high. It’s fuzzy but it still haunts me.

If I said something hurt or that I wanted to stop during sex, he’d laugh at me, say I was lying, or just keep going.

He called me a cheater for wanting to hang out with friends or family. Meanwhile he was the one lying and cheating.

I hate admitting this, but sometimes I just gave in to sex because I was scared of what would happen if I said no. I’d cry during it or after and feel like my body wasn’t mine anymore. Sometimes he wouldn’t let me get dressed or made me stay in positions until he was done with whatever he was doing.

One time the neighbors heard me crying and him screaming. He was throwing things, yelling threats through the wall, saying he’d kill them. Later he blamed me for the whole thing.

So why do I still feel so confused about everything?

He’s been through trauma. He has mental health issues. Part of me still wants him to be okay. But none of that makes what he did okay.

Is this actually abuse? Is it sexual assault if I was crying, saying I didn’t want to keep going, and he wouldn’t let me stop?

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to understand it all. And I still feel guilty. I can’t make myself report anything - he’s already lost everything. He’s homeless because I left him. But I’m still carrying around all this pain and I don’t know what to do with it.

Therapist cancelled last time because he was sick and I'm really nervous he's going to cancel again. This is my first time I actually have an appointment and I'm not going to run away and it's like my body is letting me in on the things that were done to me now that I'm "ready". Last time I was trying to fall asleep I just got this wave of fear come over me and I could just see what my mom was doing with me when i was very little. It's not like all of it came back just a flash of her under the covers licking me down there. Like thats not enough I'm sitting here now and my teeth ache and I'm thinking about my cousins who before today I completely forgot existed. I'm scared for sleep tonight and really hope he doesn't cancel again. But I'm going to go

I’m 17 and told my best friend I’m so fucking happy and proud of myself I’ve held onto this for 11 years and just told someone after telling myself for years that I’ll never tell anyone and all the fear of being judged and made fun of or thinking I’d be blamed didn’t happen none of it did omg holy fuck I can’t believe I did it I’m just like eeeeeeeeeee🥳🥳 I feel lighter and I feel like I’ve been able to smile more I can’t believe I fucking did it

Much of my childhood has been blacked out and I often can’t tell dream from reality. My dad was an addict. Aggressive, paranoid, he owed people money, he was incarcerated, committed multiple crimes, the whole bonanza. But one thing I could never figure out for sure was if he ever touched me. I was his favorite, mostly because I was the only one who stayed with him (as a kid, I only understood he smoked cigarettes, for my birthdays I’d often ask him to quit, which never happened).

We stopped seeing with him for a very long time, and only did again after he went to rehab, which happened after he was bailed out. Around this time, the most notable (now ex)girlfriend of his, was someone about my age. Until now, my dad often comments on my body, often calling me sexy, a babe, slapping my butt, etc. But I feel so uncomfortable. I guess it’s also notable that he often mistakes me for my mom, and often calls me her name as a joke, to say I look a lot like my mom. I started feeling uncomfortable when we started seeing him more often and we’d all share a bed again. I don’t know if it something might have happened during this time, or if something might have happened when I was younger. But the question of whether something happened or didn’t was always there.

I always knew my dad was violent, aggressive, and paranoid, but I never viewed him as someone who would do that.

I also always knew he was “active.” His nickname when he was younger was “kuneho.” He had his first two kids with one girl in the same year when he was 18, both were unplanned. And I was his third unplanned kid, who he had with another girl, but still while he was still in college as well. Apart from this, my little sister would often find his ex-girlfriend’s panties everywhere. Sometimes, she would come home to find them on the doorknob to the house.

What shocks me too is that the people close to me have often asked me or put into question if he has. Without me ever mentioning that sometimes I wonder if it ever happened, they ask me if it has. Which always surprised me. The common comment is always that it seems like it did.

I was raped over a year ago by a stranger I met online. I was in a bad place mentally and looking for someone to practice kink with. I have reported him to police and it’s gone nowhere. I know he has other victims but he’ll probably keep doing what he’s doing.

The rape itself was pretty brutal. I had said that I was interested in things like blindfolds, bondage, and dom/sub dynamics but that I needed to discuss things before we did anything. He insisted we talk in person and I feel so stupid for believing that. On the way to his house I accidentally got on the wrong bus and told him I was going to be late, he seemed frustrated and insisted on calling me an uber. I felt really bad about that and he said that I could repay him when I got there. The entire drive there I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel like it’s my fault for still going.

He immediately started touching me and kissing me when we got into his apartment and things progressed from there. He never told me what he was going to do or asked if I was okay. He just did things too me and at first I was okay with it but it just kept getting worse. He knew he was raping me and he seemed to like that part. I have only told two of my friends about it and my therapist. I think about it everyday. Since it happened I’ve become more hypersexual, and started posting pics of myself online to stop myself from having sex with strangers. I don’t know what to do, I can feel it getting out of hand but I’m too ashamed to tell anyone the full truth and I blame myself too much. I feel like if anyone knew the full truth of the situations I’ve been in with men that they’d think I was disgusting.

Sorry this was really long. I’m just tired and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Hi, I am 16 years old girl. I need to hear opinions of different perspectives… When I was 8 or 9, my uncle, who is 10 years older than me, touched my private parts and licked and kissed my face. He only rubbed his hand against my private part. I remember crying and screaming for help because his younger brother was in next room but he didn’t do anything. This happened 2 or 3 times. I used to feel scared to be near him. I have only told this to my aunt who is also 10 years older than me. I was young and forgot how she responded and I remember that she didn’t comfort me or do anything. Now to think, Idk if it’s sa or everyone has gone through something like this. Our relationship is okay ig, he acts like evrything is normal and because of my people pleasing behavior I just force myself not to feel uncomfortable around him. And I think because of this experience I try my best to appeal to older men… Idk I really don’t know if it’s my wrong for exaggerating everything or it is not okay for family idk. help me