Yeah, this feeling, along with reminiscing and trying to find your mistakes after any interaction (even if it was good), might be kind of universal, we are social creatures and value our social standing a lot.
Being rejected fires patterns similar to physical pain (abandonment in the past meant death), and we have a bias towards caring more about negative experiences, tending to pick out mistakes and avoid them in the future.
Things sre better than we think, and more than one person feels like the fringe friend. Be kind to yourselves and know there is much to appreciate within you.
(Don't stay with groups that don't value you though, no need to waste your efforts if they won't put in the same.)
“reminiscing and trying to find your mistakes after any interaction (even if it was good)”
That’s something I really struggle with. I’m a really outgoing and social guy but I have really bad anxiety. When I tell people I have anxiety, a lot of times they look at me funny because they’re like “you’re so outgoing, how are you anxious?”
I try to explain that some people are anxious and are afraid of saying something wrong so they don’t say anything at all. And I’m the opposite: I’m so free in the moment, but later that night or the day after I’m racking my brain trying to find all the mistakes I made.
I try to tell myself that I surround myself with honest people who would tell me when I fuck up. Or at the least, if I said stupid and/or hurtful things, the same people wouldn’t hang out with me all the time.
But it’s a stupid persistent thought pattern I can’t shake.
It’s nice to hear that other people go through the same thing. Thanks for sharing
It’s called ruminating if you want to learn more. There are different strategies from different therapies to deal with it, but it’s a pretty hard habit to break.
That’s helpful! I work on it with my therapist but it persists. Maybe dedicating a few sessions to this specifically could help. Our style is more “monster of the week”
no fucking kidding. i had such a horrible habit of ruminating about stupid shit. kinda blows my mind, but the way i was able to end the habit was by looking up why i was doing this, identifying that it was rumination, and then saying to myself "youre ruminating". now, i dont do it hardly at all
There’s a reason mindfulness is incorporated into a lot of therapies now. Just being aware of what you’re doing or feeling is already super helpful.
Sometimes I’ll say to myself (I imagine talking to my brain) “thank you for trying to protect me but this isn’t helpful right now” because a lot of “negative” habits started as coping mechanisms that did work in the short term but were harmful in the long term. We don’t always recognize them though because we didn’t develop them consciously.
•
u/acowardlyhoward 1d ago
If it makes you feel better, in high school my friend group had a conversation where we all admitted each of us felt like the least favorite lol