r/NoStupidQuestions • u/penguinlovescoffee • 6h ago
Is sleeping with my guy friend a bad idea? NSFW
Hi I'm a F. My close guy friend and I are classmates in uni (both in our 20s). I'm a virgin, and I have been thinking about intimacy quite often lately. I was pretty repulsed by it all my life, until recently (idk what changed). I'm slightly interested in him, and knowing he told me he sees me as a friend but doesn't mind talking about the sex topic with me - and invested in who I spend time with/ which guys I talk to. He does seem a bit controlling with me, so I don't know how things will turn out if we ever become physical. I've been wondering if becoming FWB is a good idea or not, or even asking him if he wants anything physical. I'm worried about how our dynamic will be but I do want my first to be with him. Any advice, thoughts, and what should I expect to happen?
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u/ryan0585 6h ago
Consider how much you value your friendship with him. If you're okay with things getting too awkward to remain friends, then go for it and have fun. If your friendship matters more, find someone else to bang, or consider getting serious with him.
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u/Nectarine143 5h ago
Considering she describes him as “kinda controlling” completely unprompted I’d say the friendship is over as soon as she starts dating someone regardless
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u/Shelby_the_Turd 6h ago
Just letting you know that should you end up getting serious with another guy, they might not be open with you being close with someone you had been a FWBs.
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u/PM_me_your_fav_tee 3h ago
While that’s a possibility, I wouldn't worry too much. You clearly want to do this, so go for it.
Nobody knows what the future holds. You could end up regretting what you did, but you could also regret what you didn't do. You're still young, and you're allowed to make mistakes. You will learn from them.
What's actually important: learn to set boundaries, stay honest with yourself and others, don't let anyone control you, and lean on your friends and family when things get tough. Also, listen to them when they seem worried about you.
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u/Hakunamatator ItsTheFirstResultOnGoogle 5h ago
This is a great way to eliminate insecure problem cases early on.
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u/idubby 4h ago
Not necessarily insecure. It's perfectly reasonable to have boundaries around your partner being close friends with someone they've had sex with. People can simply have different boundaries.
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u/Hakunamatator ItsTheFirstResultOnGoogle 4h ago
It's not a helpful boundary to have, in any sense that matters. Sure, you CAN just not date anyone who likes the color green, but it's about as sensible. It's a huge difference whether you just had an fwb or a hookup, or it's an old stalker who is still into them.
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u/idubby 4h ago
Comparing it to liking the color green doesn't really work, and ironically enough, your last sentence kind of demonstrates why. You're acknowledging that the history and current dynamic between your partner and another person can matter. We can disagree on where exactly that line should be drawn, but being uncomfortable with your partner remaining close friends with a former FWB isn't inherently irrational or insecure. Lol.
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u/Hakunamatator ItsTheFirstResultOnGoogle 4h ago
Being uncomfortable with SOME people? Sure. Not something where i would ever draw a line, but i can see it making sense. Generally putting all past fwbs in that category? Not a good idea.
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u/UnimportantPizza 6h ago
If you're aware that FWB situations very often result in someone wanting the relationship to progress "further" and are ok with that possibility, then sure, why not.
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u/ImprovementLow4724 5h ago
Just from your explanation, this probably will be a bad idea, for him and indirectly for you.
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u/Knarz97 6h ago
This is universally a bad idea
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u/Nectarine143 5h ago
I agree it universally will mean the end of the friendship sooner or later (almost always sooner), I wouldn’t say it’s universally a “bad idea”
Considering a lot of friendships, especially college ones, fizzle out anyways… a couple weeks of a good FWB experience might be worth losing a friendship you were probably gonna lose anyways
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u/Knarz97 5h ago
I don’t want to sound like a prude but I genuinely think the consequences of casual sex have been dire for our society
Not trying to shame OP into staying a virgin but I really don’t see any downsides to just waiting for an actual relationship. And yes, u would give the same exact advice if OP were a man as well.
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u/_YellowThirteen_ 3h ago
Don't want to be a prude but ripped the most prude statement I've heard outside of a church or conservative think tank.
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u/99thLuftballon 2h ago
Nah, just because Redditors all like to cosplay as demisexual nanoromantic genderfluid harems doesn't mean it's a good idea for most people in real life.
This is a case where the traditional "get to know each other, go on some dates, form a relationship, have sex" thing has become the tradition because it works. It's not some churchgoers' conservative fantasy; it's much more emotionally healthy than the Reddit erotic fanfic conceptualisation of human relationships.
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u/Somenakedguy 1h ago
>Nah, just because Redditors all like to cosplay as demisexual nanoromantic genderfluid harems doesn't mean it's a good idea for most people in real life.
How did you get from “casual sex” to whatever nonsense you’re talking about here
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u/UAEpi 6h ago
If things don't work out, do you still plan to be friends? If so, you're gonna create a lot of fiction between yourself and anyone you might meet in the future. Telling them you slept with your guy best friend won't be fun. But if you actually LIKE him, then there's nothing wrong with telling him.
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u/hash-slingin-slasha 4h ago edited 4h ago
Yes ask him if he wants to be physical. Fair warning at your age and what you’re saying about him being a bit controlling I can totally see this being a train wreck of emotions and “but I thought..”
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u/CollectionStriking 4h ago
Idk im still caught up on the fact hes already controlling with her while just being friends... like why let someone like that be your friend?
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u/OkBedroom7329 2h ago
Fair point something to keep an eye on but we don't know his intentions and her interpretation is correct.
Maybe he see her as a new dove to protect he is trying to steer in a direction he thinks best. Because she has been raised under a rock with strict parents or small town.
Or maybe hes a dick its her judgement.
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u/GumboSamson 4h ago
I was in a similar situation to you.
16 years later, we’re happily married.
Boats are safe in the harbour, but that’s not what they’re for.
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u/smart_bear6 6h ago
You'll make worse decisions in life. If you wanna fuck him fuck him. It could be fun for a while.
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u/MaximumZer0 5h ago
Maybe find someone a little more mature, less controlling, and up in your business. If you're looking to be casual with someone, it's best to do so with someone chill about the whole situation. I wouldn't take the risk on someone who seems decidedly unchill about something like that.
Source: man in his 40s who spent enough time in the casual scene to know to keep the clingy ones at arms' length.
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u/StrayStep 5h ago
Don't ask random people on the internet! Because no one knows you or the other person. Ask people in your life that know you. Because it's your life not anonymous strangers.
You are the person that it acts good or bad. Don't listen to random people that have no stake in your life.
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u/Lozman141 4h ago
The only person I (M) have ever slept with was a female friend at uni. She didn't want anyone to know that me and her had slept together, and about 1 week after our first intercourse, she wasn't comfortable being seen in public with me anymore. Needless to say the friendship broke down within weeks and we distanced ourselves from each other.
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u/DakkenDakka 6h ago
You're gambling with a friendship. If it makes things weird then you'll drift apart. Likewise if it doesn't make things weird but you meet someone else, don't anticipate them being chill with your friendship when they get wind of it.
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u/Raptor_H_Christ 6h ago
FWB is already a difficult relationship dynamic that requires a deep and mutual understanding. You’re likely not prepared for this as a virgin, and from your explanation it sounds like this could potentially and most likely will end your friendship in disaster.
That being said, not everyone gets to pick their first partner and doing it with someone you’re close to and trust and open with may be the best opportunity you’ll get for a first time. But it’s your first time. A lot of attachments will come with the whole situation no matter what your decision is. Only you really know the dynamic of your relationship with him and can determine if the relationship can weather it or not
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u/keksivaras 5h ago
there's infinitely more cons that pros. you either stay as friends and occasionally fuck, or you become awkward after the first time and you'll both lose a friend. he might become your boyfriend, but you already noted that he is controlling, which is going to become a bigger issue when you're in a relationship. your future boyfriend(s) will most likely hate the fact that you're close friends with someone who you had sex with. you could lie about it, but sooner or later they'll figure it out and you won't have a relationship where your boyfriend trusts you.
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u/zaftytape 5h ago
Yea go for it and if the friendship survives it survives. If not, you got a good life lesson.
Ngl, many friendships have been broken for far less than bumping uglies.
Life is too short to be worried about potential “what ifs”
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u/WaffleHouseGladiator 5h ago
There's a chance you'll lose him as a friend one way or the other. Are you comfortable accepting that risk?
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u/No_Parking6981 5h ago
Not a good idea. Especially if he's controlling with you know, he'll go ballistic after yall start bumping and grinding.
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u/PickledPerico 5h ago
If you’re actually seem to get along, do it. You’ll otherwise maybe look back and wish you had. But if he’s already overly controlling, no.
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u/ItsMeBenedickArnold 1h ago
It’ll ruin your friendship and affect future relationships
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u/tefached12 1h ago
Several of my best friends are girls i was FWB with and we have zero issues and it's been between 5-10 years with no sex.
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u/Dry_Association4570 4h ago
Just explore the idea with him, nothing bad can happen by just talking or a bit of teasing. You'll understand quickly if he's interested or not, but from what you're saying I wouldn't be surprised if he is interested in you too, either physically only or for a serious relationship. You don't wanna think about it again in 5 years wondering how it would have ended up ;)
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u/DoomSleighor 2h ago
If he seems controlling, I would steer clear. That’s not an attractive personality trait. In fact, you should just steer clear, intimacy be damned.
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u/unfunfionn 1h ago
There are enough red flags here to be fairly certain the friendship wouldn't survive this. Even if you don't sleep with him, honestly there are enough red flags to doubt the future of the friendship regardless. I'm also not sure that a FWB situation is the healthiest first sexual experience.
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u/AdeptAd2151 5h ago
Well, if any woman wanted to be FWB with me, I'm 99% sure I wouldn't catch feelings.... But it's that 1% that none of us can be sure of.
I'd say you shouldn't risk it, but it's up to you.
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u/OkBedroom7329 2h ago
If you want to experience it and don't think he will be a long term friend and only a uni friend. I say go for it. But be sure to make ground rules and stick to them.
Who knows maybe he's your future husband or maybe he your first fuck you will laugh at with your future husband.
Its good to experiment but there is a line between having fun experimenting and being a slut so to speak that goes with both genders.
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u/PutMaster8757 50m ago
Depends on how your relationship is built around each other and whether you’re comfortable. If both parties are comfortable then i see no problem.
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u/FedInformant 47m ago
Ahh talk with him. Tell him your expectations and what your looking to get out of it. If your friendship is meant to last then it will. Might be better with him than a stranger. Or you can take your time and date men until you find a great guy and save it for him
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u/the2xstandard 6h ago
Life is short. Ask him if he cares to tango, be clear about your intentions, convey that it comes with zero expectations, use protection. Take things from there.
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u/TheAdKnows 5h ago
He will 100% try to to control you even more, why you even hangout with this guy if he seems a “bit controlling”?
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u/Upset-Dragonfly-3253 5h ago
Why not just find another person and save the friendship... I never understood the concept of fwb.
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u/penguinlovescoffee 5h ago
I wanted my first to be with him
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u/Upset-Dragonfly-3253 5h ago
Then I'd encourage to try to see if you can have a relationship with him vs Fwb~
Be clear about your intentions and your wants. It's better than being fwb just because he doesn't want to be in a relationship and sees u as a friend
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u/OliveBranchMLP 1h ago
why? is it trust? is he attractive? is there a reason why you wouldn't want to date him?
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u/manjushrii22 5h ago
That’s all the reason you need. Don’t listen to all these Reddit nerds. Life is waaaaay too short to overthink little things like this. Go have fun and do what you know you want to do.
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u/unbroken50 5h ago
Flatter him, tell him you had a dream about him. (nothing else) Beat around the bush then tell him you want him unless he persus the conversation let him take the lead. Build up to it.
He probably likes you already.
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u/Hakunamatator ItsTheFirstResultOnGoogle 4h ago
Okay, can't say anything about him specifically, but i slept with many of my female friends, and we are still friends.
- don't make it a big thing: just flirt a little, invite him over, see what happens. He will be a little cautious probably, so you probably will have to persuade him a little. If you keep it casual and he turns you down - welcome to the Tuesday of an average guy! Nothing to worry about.
- don't tell him you are a Virgin unless you already have. Just take the initiative and get on top in the beginning. If you told him, just tell him you want to practice with him.
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u/ewhgrtfgh 5h ago
This is one of those moments where you do know what will happen… it’s more of whether you’re willing to ignore this about him and deal with the consequences later.