r/NoStupidQuestions • u/ineyks • 16h ago
Do you think it’s humanly possible to emotionally connect and support every child to the extent they need for more than 6 kids?
I have a woman at my church who is pregnant with her 12th child. Tbh she’s pregnant every year. When I thought about it, I’m unsure if she and her husband can emotionally and mentally support and connect with that many children. Is this possible? Has anyone had any experience with this?
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u/AvitalR 15h ago
No. Older kids, usually daughters, are parentified. My father was one of twelve. His parents were lovely people generally but it was clear the oldest daughter was parentified to the extent that on her death bed at age 101, she was fretting that "the boys aren't home from school yet. "
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u/Sea-Original-5824 16h ago
No. My grandma had nine kids and the youngest three were not really parented and were "raised" by the three oldest girls. I'd bet my life the eldest daughter in that church family is exhausted.
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u/mycatpartyhouse 15h ago
That happened to me. After I was born (8th of 9 children), my 12-year-old sister (oldest daughter) was my primary carer.
Parents and older boys were out working.
It's a lot to put on a child.
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u/raisinghellwithtrees 13h ago
My grandma was the oldest of 13, and got married young to escape that burden, only to have 5 kids of her own in 6 years. Ugh, no thanks. I have 2, 11 years apart, and that is plenty!
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u/Oro-Lavanda 9h ago
yes this exactly. My grandma told me she used to call her oldest sister "mama" sometimes because she had to help raise her 11 siblings
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u/MildlyAnnoyedMother 16h ago
Yes, as former fundamentalist kid, I have experience with this and no it's not possible. The best case scenario is "only" emotional neglect.
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u/exhaustedbut 16h ago edited 14h ago
I read a study about the women who become nuns, and a high percent were oldest daughters of large families.They had already raised children and did not want to get married and raise more.
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u/Feisty-Pitch9129 12h ago
Eldest daughters deserve the world. But they wouldn’t accept it anyway because they are always the most competent in any room
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u/ontheleftcoast 16h ago
my dad was one of 8? my SIL was one of 12. what happens is the older kids raise the younger kids. My SI
l was 3rd youngest, she says the oldest daughter raised her more than her mother did.
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u/Royals-2015 16h ago
Not many people in today’s world have this many children. But 100 years ago, it was common. People needed humans to work in agriculture. And before vaccines, many kids died, so it was good to have spares.
I think the older children end up helping to raise the younger ones. I’m my mom’s family, one sister took care of a daughter that came along later in life, and my mom took care of a son that came a bit later.
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u/hoginlly 15h ago
Don't forget about lack of access to contraception. Contraception was illegal in my country for the first 15 years of my parents marriage...
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u/mysticaltater 14h ago
People can just jerk off together if they're that horny (unless country or religion bans masturbation even in a marriage...?)
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u/arbuzuje 13h ago
Ever heard of christianity? Of course they ban masturbation even in marriage. Also, not always the intercourse happens consensually for both parties.
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u/mysticaltater 12h ago
I was literally raised baptist but ok. Obviously they couldn't talk about masturbating in Sunday school or church where kids were and by the time I knew what it was I didn't care about if it was religiously allowed or not in marriage (something a decade away) it just felt good and I felt bad
And yeah I remember hearing shit like "the woman should always be ready to say yes to her husband! Even if she's not in the mood. Put on some makeup and pray for a good attitude!" and men didn't get that talk bc they're always horny /s
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u/yagirlsamess 15h ago
My mom was raises by her 4 years older sister. She said it always bothered her that she never had a real relationship with her mom
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u/UnicornsWanted 14h ago
I've inherited a pile of family certificates, births, deaths, marriages etc and it appears that one child had a birth certificate issued at 7 yrs old because they forgot. That many kids, they forgot to legally register the last one....
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u/PoopsieDoodler 15h ago
I was also thinking along these lines. That back 100 (or fewer) years ago people didn’t give much thought to how ‘nurtured’ a child was. Feed, clothe, educate, and you’re a great parent! Most generations just did the best they could. Nothing more was expected.
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u/Omnomfish 11h ago
Just being alive was considered a win. My great grandmother was the only one of 12 to make it past 30.
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u/Seienchin88 3h ago
That… that would have been extraordinarily high mortality for any place I know of 100 years ago…
Did she live in the Kongo during Belgium rule or did your family have bad luck?•
u/Omnomfish 2h ago
nah, I'm Canadian, but I'm pretty sure the first world war had something to do with it lol. Im not actually certain on what got them.
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u/Gloomy-Hat1842 15h ago edited 14h ago
My mom had 11 . I got pretty tough and self sufficient. But I also remember walking home every day and having lunch with her. It's a family, you are emotionally connected to every one constantly including mom and dad. Every darn day of your life. You do lots of stuff together and on the farm constantly work together. Brother bill is killing the chickens and you are in the basement with Mom and your sister butchering them. More interaction than lots of kids ever get. It's going to depend on the family. It's another case of you don't know at all but you're going to judge. Some parents do a lousy job with one or two...your cousins come over with their huge family and it's a blast. There is so much love and interaction going on. People forget that part and often know nothing about it. It's a different way of living but it's not for everyone.... My wife was a single child. Raised by a single mom who moved multiple times a year. It was so hard on her that she became a runaway. Married very young and got into drugs and alcohol. It took her years to get over that... Now we're all older and dealing with her mom she has absolutely no one else in the family to help her with it. I have seven sisters and we've always given each other a lot of emotional support. Again it's going to depend on the family but people forget about the connections between brothers and sisters and even cousins. When my mother was sick with cancer she had a lot of care. She died at home.
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u/Sudden_Fix_1144 15h ago
In modern terms no.
Back in the day people had that many kids because over half would die before adulthood and the rest were needed to work the land.
The other thing people also forget is in these really large families the oldest ones become parent 2.0. Often they are late teenagers or adults themselves, so there is that added emotional involvement.
Not my idea of a sane existence though and I have 4.🤪
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u/Ordinary_Attention_7 15h ago
In the past you often had grandparents, unmarried aunts, etc. living with the family who could also help out.
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u/vestayekta 16h ago
They probably have very different styles of parenting.
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u/Daztur 16h ago
"Make the older daughters do a lot of it" is a big part of this, it's impossible to care for that many kids without either hiring help or making your kids do a big chunk of the childcare.
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u/unrepentantsoul 15h ago
So true (unfortunately). Sibling has double digit offspring & the three oldest girls carry the weight - cooking, cleaning, laundry, feeding & changing siblings. Mom usually has her feet up or is napping b/c she's "totally exhausted."
Had hoped they'd stop four children ago, but husband "likes having a baby in the house." (Rural residence, large garden & livestock for those who wonder how they afford a large family, as well as state-provided medical insurance.)
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u/Wrenigade 14h ago
possible? to a point, with tremendous effort and infinite money and a non-traditional work schedule.
Likely? no. I'm 4th of 7. Ask the older kids of big families how that works. The youngest tend to be ok because the others leave for a reason, but the older ones do not get normal childhoods. My parents get mad bc we call them Mother and Father, because we said "Mom and Dad just feels too informal", and they think it's a joke but it's not lol.
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u/lightningbug24 14h ago
I do. I grew up in a family of 5 kids, and I didn't feel neglected, and I don't think my siblings did either. I think my parents could have had a few more and still done a good job. I'm not sure where the cutoff is, but 6 seems low. They grow up differently and need different things at different times.
With that being said... I don't think it's super common for parents to do a good job with a lot of kids.
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u/sunflowersandink 16h ago
I think it’s more useful to ask is it possible for every child to receive the emotional connection and support that they need in this scenario?
The answer to that is going to be: maybe! but it depends on whether the parents have a large enough support network around them to fill in the gaps. If the kids have loving grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc, it’s very possible for them all to be receiving the one on one attention and close emotional bonds that they need, even if the parents attention has to be more divided.
If there’s no broader support network, I’d suspect that the kids are probably going to grow up with some degree of emotional neglect, though that doesn’t mean they’re unloved or the parents aren’t doing their best.
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u/redditvictoire 15h ago
The 6 on your title seems little random to me.
I think the possibility to positively and sufficiently support any number of children (starting from 1), depends on the parents and their emotional capability/ awareness/ maturity.
Is not the point of your post but also on their financial capability.
I come from a rural community and know of several families with 10-15 children. Quite varied results in my limited observations.
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u/Ill_Molasses_1568 15h ago
These people who pretty much raised me because my parents were selfish pieces of crap they had seven kids took care of us three plus a couple other kids and the neighborhood they were my heros. Love them and when we came back from getting taken away from the state they still helped. They are like my family
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u/No_Cauliflower633 15h ago
I think it is doable. But it is subjective. Who is to say how much 'emotional connection' and 'support' a child needs? I've seen some people say more than 1 or 2 is too much. Just depends on the family.
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u/mrs___holmes 9h ago
No. The eldest daughters get parentified. There is simply no way to give more than 3 kids the time, attention and care they all need.
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u/nuyaray 14h ago
No. I think after 3 kids it's guaranteed the oldest is going to be the 3rd parent
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u/HannahBanannas305 13h ago
I think in many scenarios, the emotional connection declines after 2, not all.
I am 1 of 5 and even as a parent now, I struggle to see how you can fully give undivided attention to 3 children and adequately meet their needs. Unless you are a full time stay at home parent, it would be incredibly difficult.
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u/no_rest_for_the 11h ago edited 11h ago
I had a mother on here literally admit to me the way she made peace with having more than two kids was to accept no one in their family was ever going to have all there needs met ever again. I laughed because that is literally why I decided against more kids. Wild how that works.
My mom came from a family of 10, mostly girls, and while I've enjoyed having the family mostly. Its like the worst small town gossip in a family spread across two countries. I tell one aunt or uncle something, and the rest will know within the week. My mom was the rebel so we've always sorta been on the edge of the family watching it work its magic. There's gotta always be someone left out.
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u/Damnesia13 14h ago
As the last of 4 children, I feel like a lot of my life was my parents going through the motions. I have no doubt they love me, but it’s always felt like they just cared less to do things for me since they had already done it 3 times.
Note, all 3 have great relationships with my parents, but I have somewhere between a good to strained relationship with them depending on how things have been lately, but never in my life have I felt like I was as close to them as my siblings are.
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u/yunwibubu 15h ago
I think it's possible, but I think many parents that even have 1 or 2 children don't manage to do it.
The issue is why they're having children in the first place, not really the number.
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u/Either-Feeling3696 9h ago
As kid 3/7, its not possible unless you have support elsewhere. I was 'so mature for my age' which is probably a given when you're watching 4 siblings under 5 at age 9. I love my family but I dont see large families as a 'blessing'. Unless you're loaded and committed to engaging with your children, emotional neglect is a given.
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u/BelaFarinRod 15h ago
I’ve known several people from large families and their reports varied. One friend was the oldest of 15 and his family sounded like a mess. I don’t think his parents parentified him because he was a guy but when he got older he felt responsible for everybody and also seemed to be the only one who ended up with a decent job. Though I guess that doesn’t directly answer the question of whether they had enough emotional support.
I knew someone else who was the oldest of eleven and I met her dad and some of her sisters. (But not her mom.) They seemed like a close family and pretty happy and she seemed to have mostly good memories of her childhood (She was still pretty young when I knew her.) But they had quite a bit of money I think so maybe they hired people to help with the younger kids?
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u/sherahero 13h ago
I know a couple with less than 6 kids where the oldest and only girl is called mini Mommy. It's awful.
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u/I_am_Nobody_Special 13h ago
No, and it's why I only had two kids. I got to lavish love and attention on them and never felt spread thin.
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u/ImpressiveAppeal8077 13h ago
I wonder if it’s the amount of kids or if it’s a culty religious family culture that fucks people up
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u/Scooby-dooby-doo-ba 10h ago
I have 5 kids and although I'd have loved one ( or three haha ) more I honestly think for us in hindsight that even that one more may have tipped the scales between us fully connecting with and providing for every child individually on a physical, financial and emotional level ( which I believe we were very successful in doing with 5 ) and falling short in 100% meeting all their needs.
I was adamant that my children would never feel parentified. They were MY children, not my children's children and when you look at many families with more than 6 children, the kids do end up being parentified ( not all, but many ). It's almost impossible in my opinion for two parents ( and let's face it, the responsibility for the morning breakfasts, school runs, after school activities, weekend sports, dinners, laundry, cleaning, homework often falls predominantly on one parent ) to manage all this adequately with more than 6 kids. My kids had their chores like all kids, but looking after their siblings weren't one of them.
I loved/love having a big family but to do it right and give them everything you'd give just one or two kids was utterly exhausting at times! From the moment the eldest started school until the first few got their driver's licences it felt like I barely got a minute to myself. Almost every minute of every day was allocated to something child related. Now I find myself missing those days. I chose to have 5 and would absolutely do it again, but along with being rewarding it's a big job to take on!! It was also more affordable raising them through the 90s and 00s than it is for my kids now raising their own kids and I was able to be a mostly SAHM for the first twelve years and didn't have to go back to full-time work until the youngest started school. That was a privilege my own kids sadly aren't getting with theirs.
Each to their own at the end of the day but my answer to your question is that in my opinion it is absolutely POSSIBLE to emotionally connect with and support more than 6 kids in all the ways they need, but DIFFICULT when you go beyond 6 especially in today's economic climate.
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u/direwooolf 9h ago
I think it's impossible if both parents work full time. There just isn't enough time in the day to give every child the attention they need.
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u/Oro-Lavanda 9h ago
So according to my grandma, she had about 11 siblings. She was somewhere in the middle-youngish section (i forgot what number), but last time i spoke with her about this, she said her mom loved her super dearly and was very lovely, and even tho she's 90 she still misses her dad.
However, she did say her oldest sister was basically like a 2nd mom to her and her siblings, since she had to raise all of her younger siblings. I wish I could've met her oldest sister but she passed away a long time ago, I imagine she would've given a much different answer to my more optimistic grandma. I have met the youngest brother of the family, and he said he unfortunately didn't get to connect much with his older siblings because he was the last one on the list, so that also seems to be a problem with big families struggling to have all children get along or see eye-to-eye with each other.
In conclusion, I think it seriously really depends on the family's siblings at the end of the day, because it looks like depending on what age you ask, you'll get a different perspective. The younger siblings seemed to have respected the parents the most, while the older siblings saw the family as more of a "chore"
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u/Flapparachi 6h ago
I see what you are talking about in my husbands family. He is 1 of 6. They weren’t parented. A lot of care of the littles fell on the oldest sibling, and to this day she still acts like the mother. There’s loads of little things like FIL never changing a diaper but what stands out most is the kids in the middle were ‘forgotten’ and are now both attention-seekers who always feel like they have to prove their worth- the youngest two were spoiled and the oldest two were given responsibilities they shouldn’t have had.
I’d argue that to provide kids with what they need, it’s less than 6.
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u/hoginlly 15h ago edited 15h ago
Yes. I'm the youngest of 6 and my entire family is extremely close. We all adore our parents, we all meet weekly. We all had huge emotional support at all stages.
People saying it's not possibly just had that experience themselves, or assume it's not based on their own- it's absolutely possible.
Now, I don't think the vast majority of people could do it.
I don't think I could do it myself. I obviously amnt planning for nearly that many kids. But it is possible.
The same way it's unfortunately possible than an only child is emotionally neglected.
My family is far closer than many of my friends who had much smaller families.
The number of kids isn't as important as the family itself
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u/sweadle 15h ago
Six kids and twelve kids is very different.
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u/hoginlly 15h ago
Yes of course, but the question in the title was '6 kids', so I just wanted to say it's possible, but obviously becomes drastically less likely and harder the more kids there are
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u/Julianalexidor 15h ago
No. I came from a very big family. I know
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u/Sweeper1985 10h ago
Me too. I spent years and years scoffing at people who had what I regarded as enmeshed, weirdly-close relationships with their parents. Then I realised that was what "normal" families tend to look like, and my relationship with my parents was up to shit because they had pretty much stopped paying any attention to me when I was entering my teen years.
I also was of the belief that "all teenagers are depressed/suicidal" because that was true in my family.
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u/sparksgirl1223 16h ago
I grew up with a family of 16 kids.
Only one seems maladjusted.
And that's even after the dad died and the mom turned into a pill popping...mistress of the night, shall we say and the kids had to be split up into various family homes due to it.
I wad there a lot as a kid and everyone seemed to get attention (even me lol)
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u/Sweeper1985 10h ago
"Seems" might be doing a lot of heavy lifting here.
E.g. I'm from a large family, the majority of my siblings look very functional until you scratch the surface...
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u/ineyks 16h ago
That’s good that everyone’s needs were met. How did your parents do it?
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u/sparksgirl1223 15h ago
Oh i should clarify: it was a friends family, not mine lol
I dunno how they did it
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u/AppropriateRip9996 16h ago
In big families, as a kid you can't always have your parent's attention, but you can get attention from 8 other people! Some siblings will connect with you and you will band together. The bonding is not diluted, there is just more of it. Instead of craving bonding time, they actually would like some privacy and space please. 12 does sound like a lot though. Not for me.
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u/CrimsonKepala 15h ago
Sure getting attention is one factor but I think parenting is maybe the bigger issue. Siblings should not parent siblings.
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u/AppropriateRip9996 15h ago
I agree, but the question about connection is partly satisfied by siblings.
On the parenting front, 12 kids would mean I can't go to poker night. Going out to eat would be too expensive. Movies at the theater are out. Income would have to be high. Even if you give a kid one on one time once a day that is only twice a month for each kid, and only 4 times if both parents are doing this. Its a mess.
But parenting is variable. My dad was there all my life, but he never read to me and liked to be left alone. He played catch with me once. In theory, with just my brother and I, we would have had lots of parental care and involvement. We did not. Irony is my dad said, "you left when you were just getting interesting." As if he would be more involved with me now that I was adult. I don't believe it.
So I think it is possible. My grams was in a family that had enough kids to have a baseball team. She was the catcher. My dad had like 8 siblings. I have heard the stories. They enjoyed it even though my gramps was no fun. But if it goes wrong, I think with 12 kids it goes very wrong. Imagine a lost job or car wreck. Tough.
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u/coldBulbasaur314 14h ago
The siblings aren't anywhere near guaranteed to be close, though. It's possible for every sibling to be acquaintences to the others at best and outright enemies at worst.
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u/tabithadoubt 9h ago
i think you can love 12 kids equally, giving 12 kids equal attention is a different story.
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u/maddyjk7 8h ago
I am one of 12 children. No. In some cases it’s straight up negligence on my parent’s end. You either have to lean on other siblings or yourself. I didn’t even connect with all my siblings and I was number 7.
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u/Low_Bluejay510 7h ago
No. I was friends with a girl who was 9th of 11 and she had her first 1:1 conversation with her dad when she was home on break during college.
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u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 7h ago
I had a friend with 11 siblings. The older kids did help out but weren't parentified. The mom was energetic and at home mom. Dad was involved when home.
It was definitely a different involvement than smaller families. Kind of group activities and assembly line at times. But every kid got some one on one with parents. Just not as often as with smaller families. Lots of interactions with siblings, too.
I think small families vs big ones may teach different social skills. Just like introvert parents vs extrovert. Or lots of extended family involvement vs little or none.
I've seen small families that were very dysfunctional. Overly involved parents. Mentally ill parents. Abusive parents.
Key to meeting child's needs is parent skill, not family size alone.
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u/WavyHairedGeek 5h ago
Heck, with 12 kids, unless they're billionaires, they can't even FINANCIALLY support 12 kids properly, let alone emotionally.
At that point, they're just relying on parentified older kids to provide childcare, which is messed up and should count as child neglect IMO.
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u/SleepingSlothVibe 12h ago
I am the parent to six children.
They are all emotionally and physically healthy. We took time to treat them each as individuals—they each of their own hobbies that we supported. We talked…and still do. I talk to some everyday. Some once a week. All of them as they need me. It takes a lot of patience and love. My youngest is 21.
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u/Suspicious_Garden710 16h ago
No it’s not possible. I’ve read studies about the 50’s when large families were more common. And most of those children didn’t get any attention, there was not enough time, money or energy to raise all those children and give them what they needed.
It was in general a little better for the younger ones because when they were born the older children helped raise them and left the house when adults. So there was more time and energy to spend on the younger kids. And the older kids had a lot of resentment about having to help raise the younger ones and growing up too fast.
Maybe if people are extremely wealthy and can afford a lot of help and a really big house it would be different. But in most cases it’s just 3/4 children sharing a room, no one on one time with parents and not much possibility to develop the things you want because you can’t bring 12 children to soccer practice, dance class or the swimming team.
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u/clemitorclover 15h ago
Absolutely not. Older kids have to be parents too, because one woman cannot keep track of that many kids. Even if dad is a great parent as well… someone has to work.
I’ve had three a total of 13 years apart and I have to stop myself from asking my two older kids to do too much with my newborn (like grabbing bottles while I’m sitting with baby) because babies are tough. Having one each year with the older kids taking over for the younger is sadly, the only option when you’ve had 5 plus.
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u/Good_Pineapple7710 15h ago
This depends heavily on the kids ages, the amount of emotional support and presence from others, their finances, etc. For the “average” person, I’d say probably not. For someone who has a large family, flexible work hours (or passive income), or significant wealth (preferably all three), it’s doable, especially if some of the kids are older and more independent.
Not to be rude or anything, but what the lady at church does with her life isn’t really your business unless the kids appear visibly abused or distraught
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u/hoginlly 14h ago
Nah kids 4 and 5 were tween/teen boys while I was young, they were fun to hang out with when they were around but they mostly spent time hanging out with their friends.
We all had our chores, like taking turns doing dinner dishes, hoovering, they'd sort their own school lunches, but they never really did anything parental. They'd cook for themselves when they wanted different meals but rarely took care of me, I'd have dinner with my parents every night (they both worked but were usually home for 6:30 dinner) and the guys would usually be around but they certainly weren't expected to be, so long as they took care of school and ate, they had a lot of freedom to just do normal teen things
But I appreciate that your situation is the case for many others
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u/hjmcgrath 13h ago
Large families used to be pretty common. My grandmother had 10 kids. They were all very close to her in her old age. Don't know if they were "neglected" by todays standards. I imagine the older kids just helped with the younger ones. They all grew up to be independent adults.
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u/Roseallnut 13h ago
Growing up, I had neighbors who had 14 kids. The two oldest were girls. The minute they respectively turned 18, they got married and got the hell out of that house. They spent their entire lives up to that point being second moms to their siblings.
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u/Phishstyxnkorn 12h ago
It doesn't always happen but it is possible with a lot of work and the right parental personalities. My sister and her husband have close to 10 kids. Does each kid get everything they want? Of course not. But was the one with ADHD noticed, tested, medicated? Yes. Was the one with unusual allergies noticed and under the care of an allergist? Yes. Are all the children's emotional needs met? Most of the time and with a lot of effort from the parents. They are also a mostly screen-free household (parents included) and the parents are very invested in the kids and their wellbeing.
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u/iridescentmoon_ 12h ago
My dad is the 15th of 16 kids and has never said he felt unsupported or unloved. His family is very close, they have so much love to share.
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u/Cool-Schedule-444 12h ago
If I had someone to cook, clean, shop, run errands, do literally everything for me as well as give up my hobbies… yes? Maybe?
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u/urlocalburden 10h ago
in my personal opinion, nobody is capable of truly loving more than 4 children. your mind cannot make the space for it. you will absolutely care/worry about each individual child's general well-being, safety and personhood but you wont do enough about it if you have more than 4, and for some people 4 is too many.
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u/mumtaz_2004 9h ago
Realistically, a person needs to sleep for 8 hours a day. There’s also working for approximately 8 hours a day. If she is a SAHM, she still has housework to do, pick up and drop off kids, grab groceries, drs appts, errands of one kind or another. So, with that size family, we’ll call it 8 hours for her. That leaves 8 hours a day, if they do absolutely nothing else, to devote to the children. That’s not even a SINGLE HOUR of one on one time per kid, which is a disgrace. Chances are good that the older children are being parentified and lack a healthy social life or after school activities bc parents are too busy working/taking care of siblings/being pregnant etc. Pure selfishness to have this many kids today.
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u/saltynotsweet1 8h ago
I grew up super fundie. Wanted 6-8 kids. Had 4. I remember when my youngest was about 6 months old, I just kept thinking that I was at my max. If I’d had more, the older kids would have had to help out a lot and that’s just simply not fair. The most they’ve done is bring me a diaper or grabbed a rag or something if a sibling spit up. My oldest babysat a few times, but it was because she wanted to earn some money and enjoyed it (she babysat for several families in our neighborhood, and I paid her when she babysat her siblings). I genuinely don’t see how people with a ton of kids can do it themselves. And if you can’t… why keep having them?
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u/OlderThanIvEverBeen 8h ago
I'm the youngest of 7. My older siblings were teens when my brother (4 yrs older than myself) and I came along. They did help with our care, but from talking to them as adults they did it willingly and somewhat enjoyed it. I do think there's a limit to how much someone can spread their parental affection and for us it was 4 kids.
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u/Carmypug 8h ago
Nope. Had a friend when I was a teenager who was the oldest of I’m going to say around maybe 15. The parents basically had the older kids raising the sibling. The parents thought it was super cute all of them had a buddy who had to get their siblings dressed and ready for school then care for them after.
Family was religious but the mum was addicted to the new baby stage and even after bad complications wanted more.
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u/Designer-Lettuce-690 5h ago
No they parentify the older ones who then dont get to be kids and the younger ones dont get much of a parent relationship with the actual parents. i grew up with a bestie in a family of 9 by 17 she moved out with the older sister who raised her and stopped talking to the parents pretty much as she said she never really knew them anyway.
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u/Creative-paintbrush 1h ago
Eh I came from a family with 2 kids. And they didn’t emotionally or mentally support and connect with me… so I don’t think it’s the number of kids as much as the parents themselves. The only time I would really judge someone for how many kids they have is if they have multiple baby daddies that are not involved at all. I knew some kids growing up that had 9+ siblings and they were all happy and healthy. So yeah it’s more on what the parents can handle than anything else.
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u/QueenOfWholeUniverse 16h ago
Every family is different. My parents have friends who have 8 kids (or at least they had 8 kids when we left the country, so not sure if they had more since than), their kids are very close and help out each other and the family is full of love.
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u/Bobbob34 15h ago
I know two ppl who came from families of 10+ kids. They both loved it, grew up with a bunch of playmates always there, still close to their siblings and parents. Everyone is happy.
I don't think it's the number. You can have one kid and be a shitty, disconnected parent. You can have one kid and be a completely overbearing parent who ends up with a hamstrung kid who can't do anything for themselves.
You can have 10 kids and be emotionally absent and they might live in a too-structured, cold environment, You can have 10 kids and foster fun, loving environment and kids end up independent and bold.
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u/Ratedforarbitary 15h ago
No I don’t. I met many whom came from big families. Everyone always talk about how a big family means you would be less lonely. Not the case. So many of them are not even close to their siblings or have no contact with one of their family member because they did not get along. Got me thinking, what’s the point having a big family if my children are not going to be close or one of them might have resentment one day for not being present enough?
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u/DoubleoSavant 14h ago
Nope. I was one of 9 kids. My mother is more like a foster mother to me, and my father is more like her boyfriend that was around.
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u/ljr55555 12h ago
No, I don't believe you can. I have a friend who fosters around a dozen kids concurrently. That's their life, how they want to help the universe ... and I assume it's often an improvement over whatever situation led to kids being removed form their families otherwise they wouldn't be allowed to foster so many kids. It's awesome that they're able to foster three or four siblings so the kids don't have to be split up. But they're honest about the amount of individual attention each kid can get. It's not zero, but it's not much daily. They've got group family time each day, but that's kind of controlled chaos. Not deep bonding.
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u/achtungComrade 15h ago
If you have even one kid these days, much less 12, they’re doomed to be gig workers their whole lives. AGI is fundamentally changing how corporations see employees. You can be sure exploitation of the “poorly educated” is only going to get worse…
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u/StedeBonnet1 16h ago
My daughter has 8 and her husband is the youngest of 11. There was never any question about emotional support in either family
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u/blokia 16h ago
In taht it wasnt provided?
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u/StedeBonnet1 15h ago
Yes no one doubted if any child was receiving all the emotional support they needed
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u/blokia 15h ago
Its really sad you think that
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u/StedeBonnet1 15h ago
Why is that sad? Every child received the emotional support they needed.
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u/blokia 15h ago
Sure
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u/StedeBonnet1 15h ago
Why do you think they didn't?
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u/blokia 15h ago
Because of how much time there is in a day.
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u/StedeBonnet1 15h ago
Do you feel you didn't get emotional support?
I was one of 5 and never thought that.
My daughter has eight and none of her kids feel neglected emotionally and all but 3 are adults
My SIL's family, all adults have never indicated lack of emotional support.
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u/togocann49 15h ago
At a certain point, the oldest kids can pitch in. Still, parents are likely spread thin. I mean my brothers ex GF’s parents came from families of 24 kids, and 19 kids, and I met all of them, so I know it could be fine back then, but I’m not so sure nowadays if it can be
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u/Patient-Ad-7939 16h ago
No. Coming from a big family, it’s very very unlikely they are emotionally connecting and supporting each kid as much as they need.
Every family I know with big families that is pregnant I ask how they do it and they just say “eh, after 4 it’s not any harder, it’s just always chaotic”. It’s not harder because they aren’t putting any effort into their kids anymore.