New to creating boundaries, it doesn't seem to work. What are effective ways you've established them? Struggling still.

[u/Mediocre-Mud7321]

[u/Sudden-Ad-3460]

Boundaries are something that you set and enforce for yourself. Example: If John raises his voice, I will end the conversation. 

Requests are something you ask for or expect from others, but ultimately cant control. Example: "John, please dont raise your voice at me."

Is it possible you are making requests instead of setting boundaries? Boundaries that are effectively set and enforced dont require anyone else to cooperate but you.

[u/MaximumBee6979]

You cannot cleverness-out your way out of trauma. It always conveniently ends up fortifying defense mechanisms. 

Take my father? Who was very physically abusive and brainwashed everyone with religion to justify it and i am the only person from a 2 digit sized family who gets mad at it... i manage to get mad at it ONLY after i feel the pain of it. 

See, i see it as a problem of numbing, which is disguised as "stoicism" and yes, most therapy speak parrots a variant of this same toxin. Even masochists are truly not addicted to pain but to the ego's numbing of the pain. That's the ultimate cowardice, even sadly the most noble zen philosophies trap people in such numbness. 

This is just my cent on this and a lot of people do it differently but to me, the only way to build boundaries is to feel voluntary torment of being violated, and i even connect this fo karma. If karma is there to make us feel suffering then using the belief "it is just my karma/in God's hands" numbs the emotional pain, thus we refuse to suffer, thus karma/collective unconscious is necessitated to cause even more trouble in order to force us to feel the original ignored pain. 

Carl jung also talked about pain a lot. I mean it all sounds philosophical until you enbrace pain, then real consciousness happens. 

I corner myself into the painful experience, suffer, there is no escape. It is humiliating and the total opposite of addictive. And then true strength and authentic boundaries are natural. I am disgusted of being beaten in childhood, all the violence. I do not "relive" it, i feel the pain of merely remembering it and feel torment in my gut. And only now, after suffering, do i naturally have the courage to tell everyone "THAT IS WRONG!!!". If i rell my body that "it's not that painful, get over it" then the subconscious will limit me from speaking against it.

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[u/okonaksi]

The moment i started giving bounderies, most of my family stopped talking to me, so i'm wondering the same thing...

[u/Altruistic-Hat269]

If your boundaries are violated, set stricter ones. If those are violated, set the strictest boundary (no contact) if you cam afford to.

[u/zgirl537]

Boundaries are for yourself. Not to make someone else act different. Set down a boundary and ask yourself what would feel safe for you if it’s not respected. The goal is not to punish if your request is not met, but to keep yourself safe.

For example,
If I have a cat and my friend has a kid. I ask my friend to make sure their kid is nice to my cat. Their kid is mean to my cat, and I place my cat in my room until they leave.
Or we can’t hang at my house with the kid anymore because the kid struggles to be kind to the cat.

It’s not a punishment to the kid, it’s safety for the cat.

Hope this was helpful!

[u/Jazzlike_Berry_323]

Start with “I felt uncomfortable after they said/did this thing”. Explain why and what you expect from others instead. That’s one of your boundaries.

[u/Slybugsy]

You much be firm and consistent. If people push your boundaries, leave. I’ve learned to walk away.

[u/ihtuv]

In what way are you struggling with setting boundaries?

[u/MegaParsnip543]

Boundaries are about behavior that you can perform. Make your expectations clear. As an example "I don't make plans with people who repeatedly cancel", "I don't date people who speak negatively to restaurant staff", "I don't maintain friendships with people who speak negatively about me behind my back", or "I don't remain in relationships with people who don't treat me kindly". Stuff like that. Totally your choice, and they have to do with how you allow yourself to be treated NOT how other people behave. Notice that none of these are telling people how to act, fighting, or shaming people. It's just being clear about your expectations and being particular about who you allow to be in your life.

I have a hard time upholding boundaries. It's getting better, but for whatever reason I keep finding romantic partners who behave in a way that I find unacceptable. I tell my friends about what is happening in my life, and I take what they say seriously. My friends are people who share the same values and don't accept mistreatment. I also go to therapy, and we straight up practice what to say when people do something I find unacceptable. Like "I don't want to see you anymore because you said women are inferior than men" or whatever it is.

TL;DR practice

[u/Confident_Jump_9085]

I mean, it depends on the context. I don't struggle telling people no if I don't want to do something. I don't give excuses for it. I said no, because I have chosen no, and that's it.

Relationships with someone who drinks a lot is a no, that's a boundary I won't let be crossed.

Touching me is a no unless we have an established relationship.

Letting narcissists upset me is a no. Do your schtick, get it out your system, but don't expect me to play.

No arguments I don't need or want to take part in.

[u/simulatedexistence]

I’ve just started doing this actively at 32. I have too many things to do at current to kind of care about what people might say if I don’t go to things, or say no. I’m really listening to how I feel in situations where I don’t feel safe now, and I’m kind of like if people I know think I’m no fun, I’m boring, I’m ’being a bitch’ then so be it.

I think of younger me, I think of future me, I think of me now who has things to do. I also think that people will do what they do, boundary or not. I see how people behave and if I’ve said something and what they’re doing still makes me feel a way, or they just blatantly haven’t listened then it’s like alright this relationship/friendship, whatever it is, isn’t for me.

[u/DeNirodanshitch]

I would rather be the bad guy in your story.

[u/real_person_31415926]

Here are a couple of tips from the article that follows. Be clear about what you want. Decide on the consequences when your boundary is violated.

6 Tips for Setting Better Boundaries | Psychology Today

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201407/6-tips-setting-better-boundaries

[u/totallyalone1234]

"Boundaries" is a terrible name for what it actually is. I don't remember ever seeing a trauma-informed description of boundaries.

Having boundaries isn't about telling people "you can't treat me this way" and boundaries cant stop things from happening.

• Having boundaries is feeling like its you who gets to decide what's ok and what's not ok, and that other people don't get to decide for you.
• Having boundaries is about not giving up or relenting on the things you have decided are ok and not ok when they get challenged.
• When someone treats you in a way thats not ok and when you feel stressed and under pressure, having boundaries means you don't let them rewrite the rules or pressure you into accepting things you dont want. That your boundaries matter. That they can be resilient.
• Boundaries are about how YOU get to decide whether you want to forgive someone when they behave in a way thats not ok, and that other people dont get to decide that for you - that they dont get to expect you or pressure you into forgiveness.
• Its about not feeling like you have to, or that you owe it to other people to forget or ignore or let it go when they do something thats not ok.
• Its about noticing when people do things that ARE ok, or when they show respect to your boundaries and your decision about whats not ok.

[u/Mysterious-Ad4550]

Giving them a boundary and sticking to consiqunces if a boundary is broken. If they are doing it just for a reaction then grey rocking can help but if you can distance yourself from them when they aren't respecting you, that is usually best.