CW; talking about specific BPD symptoms, feeling dismissed, feelings of invalidation, mentions of childhood, anxiety, transience, and alcohol.
was diagnosed with BPD when I was 17 after a 45 minute assessment. This diagnosis has been reaffirmed by two psychiatrists since then (also about one 30 minute meeting each). I do have significant childhood trauma involving abandonment, neglect, abuse, etc.
however that being said, i recently obtained my medical charts and often times the notes by doctors are pretty biased and often used incorrectly to reaffirm BPD. For example; I called my primary care doctors office to request anti nausea medication, as I had the stomach flu and was very much not having a good time (I have a pretty intense fear of throwing up). In the phone appt note, the resident wrote that they believed I was having a “BPD crisis rather than actual flu symptoms”, which is just wild to me? I remember making that phone call, I was on the floor next to the toilet with a horrible stomach bug that had lasted like 3 days. This pattern continues throughout my medical record, one time (during a weird on and off type stomach bug a few years later) they wrote that I refused to leave the office and go home because I didn’t want to be alone?? And that I was in “BPD crisis” and that I had to be “de escalated”. In reality, I had asked if I could sit for a few minutes because I felt like I was going to be sick if i stood up 💀
Idk, I’ve been in therapy for many years consistently, and I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection for a while. I truly don’t believe I meet the criteria, but whenever I’ve tried to bring this up, my medical record states I have “poor insight into (my) condition” 🫠
One time during a discussion around my anxiety, I had laughed nervously when explaining my symptoms (I remember this phone call, it was with a resident I’d never met and the call felt awkward) anyways; they wrote I exhibited “inappropriate laughter” immediately followed with “she did not endorse responding to internal stimuli” which while they said I did not endorse it; it felt weird to follow up that sentence with something like that. They also did not ask me this. It just seemed poorly worded, almost like it’s implying that I might be.
They then continued to say that my panic attacks were more consistent with “BPD crisis than true panic attacks” (I have diagnosed panic disorder, I get random intense feelings that I’m dying, impending doom, high heart rate, dizziness, feeling like I can’t breathe, all around just like kinda freaking out; they last like 10-45 minutes); but apparently this is “BPD crisis”?
I don’t have grossly impulsive behaviours; yeah I buy an impulsive thing here and there, I used to have the odd night of drinking too much, and have been in abusive relationships. However, I have held a job, held an apartment for many years, I don’t drink at all, I don’t do any drugs, gamble, I’m not particularly promiscuous, I’ve only ever been in long term relationships (3), and I wouldn’t say I have a fear of abandonment. I do have low self esteem that I’m working on, but like, I am not afraid of people leaving me, I don’t go into crisis when someone decides they don’t want me in their life. It happens, it sucks, I get sad, I’ve blamed myself often for people leaving, but I don’t frantically try to make them stay or anything and it’s not a thought or fear that consumes me at all really.
I don’t drive recklessly, I don’t recklessly spend money, I don’t really recklessly do a whole lot. To be honest, I just go to work, I go home, I watch whatever series I’m into at the time, I make snacks, i spend time with my partner, I shower, and I go to bed.
I AM stubborn though, I am very passionate and “rigid” in my values, I’ve always been that way. I am pretty particular tbh, and I often come across as defensive without meaning to be. I do experience emotions quite intensely, and I feel like I have to work harder to regulate myself than the average person. I do have anxiety type attacks (hyperventilating, specific trigger; unsure what these are tbh) and panic attacks. The former usually has triggers unrelated to abandonment; usually if a man (of any relationship, stranger or not) yells at me for example.
Idk what I’m looking for here really, I’m just kind of tired of the stigma. It explains a lot of why I have been dismissed a lot regarding medical care. psych evaluations (proper ones that aren’t only 30 mins) aren’t covered where I live; and cost thousands up front.
Anyone else in the same boat where they have been told time and time again that this is their diagnosis, but they don’t quite understand what criteria they even meet to be diagnosed?
I had a turbulent teenage life when I was diagnosed in that I was transient and had to move back into an abusive home, I was in a relationship where he had cheated and I had to end things, I was struggling with drinking, it was just a lot. I was often labelled defiant because i had “no respect for authority” but my only authority figure at the time was passed out drunk 78% of the time, so I didn’t really have much respect for that lol. I feel like that was a pretty normal reaction rather than disordered.
I’m almost 27 now; and my life is pretty stable. I struggle mainly with anxiety and very low self esteem, along with learning to just let things be; so honestly I just don’t see it. I’ve never really questioned my diagnosis before, I just trusted it until I saw my own medical records and realized what experiences they were actually attributing to BPD; And none of it made sense.
Idk, just kind of wondering if anyone else is feeling the same? Maybe I’m missing something here?