I'm an Allen School graduate but definitely not the one society was expecting.
All throughout my undergrad I dealt with pretty severe executive dysfunction and other mental health issues that I did my best to mask and power through. The issues I dealt with were refractory to medication, therapy, counselling, and other forms of treatment. Managing them atop the heavy courseload and lack of proper planning was uniquely brutal.
Even seeking out DRS accommodations was a massive bureaucratic hurdle and I opted to just white knuckle it and try to keep up with everyone else.
Why did I keep at it? I was stubborn and didn't want to do anything else. I was hoping that something would engross me and give me a sense of passion and direction. But to no avail, instead I got burnout and that's why I've not had an internship or much industry experience. Even still, I really liked FPGAs and embedded systems.
I did manage to graduate with a >3.0 GPA but required every spare kJ of energy and second of time I had. I've forgotten a lot of my CSE education and hope it comes back to me.
Where do I think it came from? I was pretty severely abused growing up for being autistic. A part of me feels like I never properly developed because of it.
A year and a half out from graduation and really trying to push through things, apply for jobs, work on projects, improve my health, coordinate with my doctors, manage the burnout, and overall just find answers, and I finally have a term for what I'm experiencing: anhedonia. That would explain everything.
It's a classic symptom of depression. It certainly didn't feel like it, but qualifies as such. Much like how the diagnostic criteria for autism have expanded.
I have proper treatments for such lined up now. I've taken up martial arts as an adjunct. I really hope they work and I get my brain back after all these years and find a sense of passion, belonging, and place in the world. I'm about to turn 25 and want to undergo the biggest redemption arc possible with regards to my career, cognitive abilities, and direction in life. I see everyone else being able to accomplish pretty complex feats of engineering and have a high quality of life, and think that if it's possible for them, it's possible for me too.
Why am I posting this here? I just wish to share my story, hear what y'all have to think, and get it off my chest.
And please, spare me the platitudes of "everyone is on their own path" and "comparison is the thief of joy" because what I've had to endure really is no way to live.