Accused of cheating and publicly exposed

[u/Familiar_Car55]

I understand that cheating is subjective, and I’m not trying to invalidate anyone’s feelings about how close my friend and I were.

While we were both in relationships, my friend (22m) and I (23f) were extremely close. Looking back, I acknowledge that there were boundaries that could have been handled better, and I regret not thinking further about how certain things could look or how they might make our partners feel. I’ve apologized to my friend's ex and my ex for the things I believe I was responsible for. Me , my ex (22m), and my friend are also classmates and in the same friend group.

We were eventually accused of cheating, along with specific claims that we were physically intimate, secretly seeing each other, and doing things that I know did not happen. One of the things used as evidence was that we slept on the same bed once because it was late and my friend had nowhere else to stay. Our partners knew about it at the time, and nothing sexual happened.

The situation then became public. Our names and photos were posted on social media and we were labeled as cheaters. It has been about a month now and it is still ongoing. Our names and photos have continued circulating, and people have formed opinions about us based on what was posted.

The consequences have been significant. Our college friends have cut both of us off, and our reputation has been ruined as this story was circulated.

But honestly, what affected me the most wasn't even being called a cheater as I can understand that this can be subjective. It was what happened with my ex and the trauma that resurfaced because of it.

During my previous relationship, there were multiple occasions where I clearly communicated my boundaries. I said no, said I was uncomfortable, said doing it hurt, or asked him to stop, but he would only say thats it is in my head and dismiss it and I felt that those boundaries were ignored or pressured past. I kept those experiences private because they were painful and because I didn't want other people knowing about them.

There was one particular incident that I had never intended to tell anyone about. I had barely slept and was extremely exhausted. I was asleep when my ex initiated sexual activity. I repeatedly said no, and at one point, while I was half-asleep and disoriented, I accidentally said my friend's name to his account. Take note that I was asleep while this happened.

What made this situation even more painful was finding out that my ex had shared this incident with other people. From what I understand, he described it very differently from how I experienced it, presenting it as though it had been consensual and passionate and using the fact that I said my friend's name as evidence that I had feelings for my friend or that something was happening between us.

That was devastating to me because something that happened when I was asleep and unable to properly process what was happening was turned into supposed evidence of cheating.

So when this entire situation happened, it didn't just bring back the embarrassment of being publicly accused. It brought back something traumatic that I had already spent years trying to move past. Having my private experience shared, reinterpreted, and connected to the cheating accusations made everything much harder for me to cope with.

I also struggle with what feels like a hypocrisy around boundaries. I’m willing to acknowledge the boundaries I may have crossed with my friend and take responsibility for them. But it is difficult to see my ex emphasize the boundaries he believes I violated while leaving out the times I clearly communicated my own boundaries to him and felt that they weren't respected.

I’m not saying any of this means I handled everything perfectly. I genuinely regret some of my choices and understand why someone could have felt hurt or betrayed by how close my friend and I were.

What I’m struggling with is whether there is a difference between poor boundaries, emotional cheating, and actually cheating, and whether the consequences that followed were proportionate.

My friend is also considering pursuing a cyberlibel case over the public posts and specific claims being made about us.

I would like an honest perspective on whether seeking legal advice and potentially pursuing a cyberlibel case seems like a reasonable response to this situation, or whether that would be taking things too far.

For those who have experienced infidelity, how would you view this situation? And separately, do you think the public exposure, loss of friendships, and ongoing consequences have been proportionate to what actually happened?

Me and my friend have also been struggling mentally because of this and I believe it's not far fetched to say we are both depressed and passively suicidal because of all this. In his case, he hates that he lost his friends and connections. Meanwhile, in my case, I genuinely hate that my trauma is being resurfaced which has caused me to be physically and mentally sick.

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[u/adnyp]

Hard to say what’s hypocrisy and what is actual boundary crossing and what is actual cheating when you don’t give us any specifics.

[u/Fluid-Push-3419]

You shouldn't find yourself in a situation where you have to tell "it's not what it's look like".

[u/TheDevilSurvivor → u/Fluid-Push-3419]

If you believe in love, you also understand that there's romantic love and platonic love. I'd take a bullet for a partner as well as for a friend.
But I wouldn't stick my dick in both.

I really hate this talk about boundaries and situations when it's something very fluid, especially when you're as young as OP. I went to the movies with only a female friend, had dinners with her, late night walks etc..
Someone might have seen that as a boundary being crossed. When in reality we were just being friends, actually supporting each other in each of our relationships, talking about how much better we became as people and so on.

Edit: I also believe that cheating is one of the worst things you can do to a person, so I don't want to undermine anyone's suffering, especially when often it comes with future trauma that can influence our actions.

[u/0neMinute → u/TheDevilSurvivor]

She slept in the same bed as her guy friend. This is a cut and dry situation in which most people would assume cheating.

[u/TheDevilSurvivor → u/0neMinute]

I agree with you that on this particular thing, I wouldn't like it either (same regardless of it being a woman or a man). I was talking more in general like the examples I gave, which kind of imply "spending time alone with friends = cheating" when it's often not the case between two people that respect each other.

[u/Specialist-Bat-8770]

While it's true that nothing happened, in my country there is a crime of defamation and cyberbullying. Ecnically, you should speak to a lawyer and report to the police any news that tarnishes your dignity and your name. You could take them to court and win the case. This is at the legal level. The company is not a state court. Those who are prejudiced are not interested in true evidence, only in prejudice. As for your ex who communicated an act to other people, that if he faithfully describes what happened in my country is permitted and does not constitute a crime.

[u/GoNutsDK]

Your ex was your abuser and rapist. Who is now seemingly getting off by punishing you for something that you didn't do.

You may have crossed some lines in regards to your friend. And while that isn't exactly great, nothing justifies what your ex has done to you. He isn't safe in any way and you need to go completely no-contact if possible and as low contact as possible if not.

[u/No-Parfait-5631]

Denuncia gli autori di tutto questi

[u/Traditional-Tank3994]

You’re right to call the dude out on his behavior. If it were him posting, I would have some choice words for him about forcing himself on you.

But since it’s you asking, pretty much any guy on the planet would believe you were cheating if you slept in the same bed as your “friend,” and spoke his name during intimacy.

I have no trouble believing a man and a woman can be platonic friends. But the vast majority of women who have male friends don’t realize their so-called “platonic friends” would jump at the slightest hint of a sexual invitation.

I would bet your friend is in this camp. It may be true that you have never crossed boundaries with him. But it’s a good bet that he would if you offered.

And most self-respecting male suitors would not be okay with that situation.

[u/longlivebobskins]

Sounds like you’ve learned a painful lesson (don’t sleep in the same bed as someone of the opposite sex).

If it’s any consolation, most of your current “friends” who have cut you off, would unlikely still be your friends 10 years from now anyway, so although it might seem like your life has been ruined, it’s just accelerated the natural process of friend dissipation. The people that stick by you in these situations are friends you should hold onto. See this as a litmus test for who you should keep in your life.

If your story is 100% true, then I’m sorry this happened to you. Your ex was a creeper, and you’re much better off without him.

[u/hwy169]

This is exactly why there should not be any friends of the opposite sex.