What do I do?

[u/Fit_Bullfrog_5975]

So I (35m) caught my (14f) year old daughter having sex and I have no clue how to deal with it. I love my daughter and I’m a single dad her mom is not in the picture we have a great relationship and she has recently been telling me about a boy she likes. Well long story short I walked into her room with lunch and saw her having sex with a guy who looked much older maybe 16-17 and I have no idea how to deal with it. I don’t want to shame her but I also don’t want her to think that’s okay I did not say he could come over so he must have snuck through the window i’m not going to lie that image will probably haunt me for life I was absolutely not ready to see my baby girl like that but here we are. I immediately closed the door after freezing for a second and she quickly screamed for me to get out and I heard her and him start to get dressed and I am currently sitting on my couch they have not come out yet probably embarrassed I meds advice on how to deal with this please!

Update! First I want to say thank you for all the messages and replies they really helped and sorry if I didn’t respond to them all

So about 20 minutes after I made the post she came out of her room red as a tomato clearly very embarrassed. the guy behind her also walking out and when I tell you he was at least a foot taller then her she is 5,3 and he was at least 6,0 I am I big dude 6,4 since I last checked and this guy was not much far off my me. after my daughter shoved him out of the front door she set down next to me and it was silent for a while till she spoke first says she was sorry and I told her that it was okay but the first thing I asked was how old the guy was and she said 17. I’m not sure how they met but I was very upset I told her that he was way to old for her and she ended up nodded and said she knew that but just wanted to know what sex was like. After talking to her and having a very awkward conversation I found out that she had asked him and lied about her age my daughter looks very mature so he believed her. and they were indeed wearing a condom thank god. She apparently had grabbed one of mine from my cabinet and that’s what they used she apologized and we ate some ice cream like you guys suggested and she said that it wasn’t super enjoyable. after we finished talking and eating ice cream she laid on my chest and we watched a movie. Thank you all for your help this was definitely a weird situation.

Hey guys I wanted to update again because I have tons of feed back so i figured I go more into detail.

I have had people say I’m doing great and others saying I was to soft I would like to say that I told her that I want her to wait to do anything else and I understand that teenagers just fuck sometimes. For everyone say birth control she is already on it for other reason but it is still normal birth control. She got her period at 11 and I think that’s fairly young so she already now all about that for the people wondering. Some people have said go to the police but my daughter lied about her age and after asking she told me she said she was 16 so I don’t think he did anything wrong per say. I explained to my daughter he could get into he could get into huge trouble with the police and she immediately started apologizing again and I could see a slight panic is her eyes so I don’t think she will be trying to lie about her age again. I’ve talked to her about safe sex and suggested she not sleep with anyone for a while. I’ve also had people say to buy her a sex toy but I really don’t feel comfortable with that or giving her the money for it I think she would be uncomfortable with the whole situation and I do t like that thought of it so I’ve decided not to do that. Also for people saying I messed up and rewarded her no I didn’t I parented my child how she needed I’m not going to yell and scream or set sold boundaries because we already have them this was a weird situation but trust me I’m not just someone my daughter lives as a friend I still parent her. So back to what else happened I ended up asked to see the messages between them and she said yes so after getting onto them I went up to the top and started to scroll down and man talk about love bombing this guy was saying how much she loved her on day three showering her with attention saying how beautiful and pretty she was but then started to ask for nudes and things which she never sent. I have always told her to never send nudes because in my opinion you can and most of the time always will find out who they are if the nudes get around. Plus my daughter has a very distortable birth mark on her right arm. I can confirm that she said she was 16. It was in the messages Even tho this guy was a piece of work he thought he was sleeping with a 16 year old so I really don’t think it’s his fault there. But he is still in fault because when he first asked to come over she originally said no because I was home and she didn’t know him that well. My daughter is a very soft spoken and a people pleaser so after him begging enough she reluctantly agreed which led to him coming over through her window and after a while of him begging her for sex she said yes to that too. I do think my daughter is still at fault for letting him come over in the first place and she got in trouble for that but I know in her head she thought she had no choice. I’ve talked to her about consent aswell and told her her she can say no anytime no matter what she said previously. Anyways that all of it thank you all for the advice I really appreciate it.

[u/mwb1957]

First of all, while this may be unpopular, scare the crap out of the dude. He has got to come to understand that you are the dad and he is messing with your only daughter.

Tell him breaking into your house is unacceptable.

Get him out of the house ASAP.

You have got to have a long and detailed conversation with your daughter. The cat is out of the bag now. She has got to be educated on having sex. You should get her books, videos, sex education classes, and let her know some of your experiences, good and bad.

You are an male only parent to a teenage girl. This will not be easy. If you can avoid yelling, it will be easier to communicate.

Tell your daughter that you are her dad, the only parent she has and your relationship has got to work. For the rest of your lives you have to learn to talk about things other father's \ daughters don't \ can't talk about. In addition, whatever happens, that she can also come to you to discuss anything.

Don't be afraid to ask questions about the dude.

Ask her, while it would kill you, if she would rather go live with an aunt.

Good luck.

[u/propaul1 → u/mwb1957]

Don't know why this is getting down votes.  He has every right to confront the guy.  Certainly she invited him in, but that doesn't mean that he didn't do wrong.

[u/Jericho-G29 → u/propaul1]

It's an emotional response to try and establish "dominance" in his household. Something more for an insecure man, where in reality he actually needs to be there for his daughter (not stressing about the punk who ran out stage left) and just listen, and set her up with a safe environment. Maybe, after he's listened to his daughter Calmly, ask about how they met, how shes feeling about things/ school social pressures and safe sex etc talk, ok for questions etc. He needs to focus on being calm listening and building trust to head off the next issue.

As someone mentioned earlier, later make it clear no entering the house through anything but the front door, potentially phrased in respecting herself, or a guy worth her time wouldn't be scurrying around instead of forthright. Also keeps some autonomy and control for her so she doesn't rebel instead. (Also threatening her with the loss of her "only" parent approval/love/respect/whatever if she doesn't comply is going to backfire BADLY with most teens)

Maybe then, after the priorities are handled, track the guy down and make things very clear with support in the wings as "witnesses" he didn't hit a minor. Or accomplices if he is actually notably older than 18.