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u/SamAzing0 17h ago
My mate said to me: I know youre trying your best, but can you try someone else's best?
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u/Szeth_Vallano 15h ago
This one and "I've never met someone who has reached their full potential before." are my two favorites.
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u/LumberjackPreacher 14h ago
Krillin: I don’t feel that different…
Guru: It wasn’t that much…
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u/red_4 14h ago
Still the strongest full-blooded human being on Earth. No android modifications, or alien blood to help. Krillin could bitch slap the Earth without Goku's help.
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u/Royal_Bitch_Pudding 8h ago
Plus he created the destructo disc, which is a pretty darn powerful technique.
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u/RandomStallings 7h ago
That actually speaks to his intense training. He'd figured out how to pull almost every bit of potential out of his body without the help of magic.
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u/sugusugux 9h ago
I was once told " you have an amazing skill to make everyone in the room to feel comfortable with their own iq level"
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u/sensei_sensitive 15h ago
Got called a C-Section baby at work because I aledgedly avoided labor.
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u/Missrdb79 14h ago
That's fucking funny!
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u/sensei_sensitive 14h ago
Not to me
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u/bigbowhuntr 14h ago
Work harder then
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u/sensei_sensitive 14h ago
Very true. But I hate you for saying ir
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u/DepartureOrdinary957 17h ago
I can tell that you were a C- section baby, the way you avoid labor.
If breathing wasn’t an autonomous function, you’d be dead.
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u/R2DeezKnutz 17h ago
Damn, I'm a c section baby and that hits home. Fuck work. I gotta remember this 🤣
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u/Money-Skin6875 13h ago
Heard a guy called ‘Caesar’ for that very reason and he thought it was cool until people talked.
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u/artrald-7083 17h ago
"A humble man, with much to be humble about"
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u/Shrowden 17h ago
This seems like something you'd read in a book
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u/travestymcgee 16h ago
It's one of Churchill's.
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u/Rich-Finger-236 14h ago
He said it about Atlee.
Ironically enough a man who has a solid claim as one of the UKs best ever PMs
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u/Vinnie_Vegas 8h ago
And Churchill, outside of a war to win, one of the UK's worst ever PM's.
He just so happened to be anti-appeasement of the Nazi's and made of the kind of stern stuff that got it done for Britain in WWII, but outside of that, pretty deplorable politician.
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u/Zomunieo 14h ago
“An empty car pulled up to 10 Downing Street. When it arrived, [Churchill’s political rival] Clement Atlee, stepped out.”
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u/Important-Band-6341 18h ago
Working with you is like working alone, only harder.
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u/xepci0 16h ago
"Well don't just stand there, put your hands in your pockets!"
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u/euphomaniac 7h ago
I had a teacher who would say “so? You’re just gonna sit there with your teeth in your mouth?”
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u/phillyhandroll 17h ago
In chinese, we say "the more you help, the busier it gets"
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u/ButterCaramelPringle 7h ago
"I think Mr Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around"
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u/Ataraxia-Is-Bliss 14h ago
Genius, love this one. Everyone knows at least one person who just complicates and drags what should be a simple job.
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u/Primalbuttplug 18h ago
"I set the bar so low that you could have stepped over it, yet here you are, shovel in hand."
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u/phatdoughnutfucker 18h ago
The bar was in hell, yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil
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u/Sanquinity 9h ago
Slightly different version I've heard and used: The bar was already in hell, yet you kept on digging.
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u/Tramkrad 13h ago
I would point out that shovels are for scooping and moving loose materials and that you'd want a spade to dig through soil, but actually not turning up with the right tool probably fits whoever this would be describing!
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u/RandomStallings 6h ago
In some places, shovel is used to describe multiple types of "scoopy thing on a stick" tools. Square/flat and pointed, for instance, are usually self explanatory based on context. If not, they're specified as needed. Weird, but it works.
As far as speaking to the joke, great catch. Lol. I wouldn't have noticed because of the above reason. Thanks!
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u/_BrokenButterfly 5h ago
Man. There was a Saturday Night Live sketch where Keenan Thompson was playing some kind of TV host, and he said to his sidekick "my expectations are so low, yet still you disappoint me." It is one of my favorite lines ever, and it doesn't seem to be online...
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u/ViaBromantica 16h ago
I call my coworker "motion light" because she only works when someone walks by
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u/Sooner_Weirdo 17h ago
Do your parents ever get tired of waiting to be proud of you?
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u/Slkkk92 17h ago
The New Zealand section of the Wikipedia entry for unparliamentary language contains some gems.
idle vapourings of a mind diseased (1946)
his brains could revolve inside a peanut shell for a thousand years without touching the sides (1949)
energy of a tired snail returning home from a funeral (1963)
Could go down the Mount Eden sewer and come up cleaner than he went in (1974)
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u/akatherder 9h ago
This is a different topic but the peanut thing reminded me of my mom's favorite saying. Whenever we were running around uncontrollably she'd say "quit running around like a fart in a mitten."
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u/logandermania 17h ago
I have one from back when i played basketball... "Go sit on the bench so that you cam make team better".
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u/cglufc 17h ago
Legendary Forest manager Brian Clough actually did that, subbed off a player who was having a stinker and didn't bring anyone else on 😂
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u/Alive_Drag1947 7h ago
That is actually diabolical. I couldn't imagine sitting on that bench and having to watch that.
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u/cjtransplant85 12h ago
When cutting a player:
"We'd like to keep you around, but we're trying to make the playoffs."
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u/Scherzoh 16h ago
"Your heart was in the right place. I don't know where your brain was."
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u/Drakkanian 17h ago
A couple of my personal favorites I've heard:
"I see your head is just for decoration"
"I can't dumb it down to your level because I'm scared of heights"
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u/luriso 14h ago
"you wear your ass on your shoulders" "You can't tell duck shit from apple butter" My personal favorite is: "If you were thrown into an Olympic size swimming pool full of tits, you'd still come out sucking your thumb"
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u/Monsterpiece42 6h ago
I'm probably the dumb one here but I don't get the 2nd one. If their level is low, why is a fear of heights a problem? Or is it the long trip down from your own intelligence?
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u/Mikey_not 16h ago
I was told "You may not be the dumbest man alive, but you better pray that he doesnt die."
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u/Consistent_Potato291 18h ago
If I was in a room with you, Hitler and Stalin and I had a gun with two bullets I would shoot you twice 😂
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u/robsteezy 16h ago edited 16h ago
Dwight: “TRICK QUESTION. LINE EM UP. SIDE BY SIDE. SHOOT GUN INTO FIRST GUY. BOOM BOOM BOOM. THREE GUYS. ONE BULLET. Toby you stand right here.”
Toby: “I don’t think this is appropriate..”
Mike: “TOBY JUST DO IIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT GOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD”
Creed: “I’d curve the bullet…like the movie ‘Wanted’”
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u/Tactless_Ogre 16h ago
“Do you hear the sound of a dodgeball when you bump your head?”
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u/_---____--- 14h ago
When a friend was starting to gain lots of weight he was in denial. One day he asked me to tell him the truth if he really was noticeably bigger and I told him “I know five fat people and you’re three of them”. Thankfully he started working in himself.
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u/RandomStallings 6h ago
I mean, he did ask. Laying it out hard, but with humor, was "solid friend" stuff. Good for you, man.
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u/belt-e-belt 18h ago edited 17h ago
"An applause follows you when you walk down the halls, with all those vaginas slapping shut."
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u/BOredSto1c 16h ago
This was overheard in my work and it's stuck in my head.
'i can only explain it to you, I can't understand it for you'. 😊
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-2955 15h ago
I use this when my children are being exceptionally stubborn on a concept.
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u/Phildagony 17h ago
Next time you come to work you better have a permission slip.
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u/PlesnivejSejra 15h ago
In Czech there is "zadarmo drahej" roughly as "too expensive even for free"
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u/CountingOnThat 16h ago
Isaac Asimov once addressed a Mensa meeting by admitting that all of the people in the room were brighter than he was.
All of them put together, he explained.
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u/jigsaw1024 16h ago
"You doing nothing would help me more"
Something my coworker said to another coworker.
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u/Optimal_Cut_3063 18h ago
when my mum said to the neighbor "why don't you climb back up that ugly tree, tie a rope around your neck and throw yourself out of it"
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u/Dense_Surround3071 17h ago
For anyone else that would have been a new low.
For you, it was a new average.
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u/Certain_Ad_8609 15h ago
I told a dude who ended up fired a week later "I cant wait until my taxes are paying for your welfare."
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u/Certain_Ad_8609 15h ago
Once told another "I should beat your parents for having to deal with you daily."
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u/cybersarcasm 18h ago
I've tossed this one around quite a bit:
Your mind is a cathedral of silence—vast, echoing, and meticulously emptied of every unnecessary thought.
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u/iceyed913 18h ago
unnecessary thoughts come cheap though, not sure if feature or bug
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u/Master-Shake8913 17h ago
what the fuck is this title?
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u/Sanquinity 9h ago
My attempt at a translation of the retardish language: "At least Sean doesn't have to pay the paycheck of 3 people."
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u/coupland 17h ago
"You seem like the kind of woman who's had her stomach pumped on the set of a porn film she wasn't in."
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u/LatinLucero 17h ago edited 16h ago
He does the work of three men, Larry, Curly, and Moe. (A Three Stooges joke for those who are unfamiliar with those names)
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u/Mysterious-Sock7776 16h ago
From my time in the military:
-You helping carrying is like 2 others letting it go
-If I would be you, I would wish to be me
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u/Serious_Attempt9724 16h ago
My team is composed of 6 people but I joke with other coworkers from other teams that our combined net worth is a 2 because while one of my teammates is worth for 2, we have two guys who are worth zero and another that's a -2 LMAO
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u/HakanTengri 14h ago
I had a professor at university who said to a class full of students, with absolute calm and zero regard to the appropriateness of saying it to us in public, that his department was composed of two and a half people. There were three full time professors at the department, and we all knew who counted as half.
(Incidentally, they all had the same first name).
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u/Chucknasty_17 3h ago
I know the feel, my department has 4 people but really it’s more like 3 1/4. Granted she’s in her late 60s, but it does still mean everyone else has to do more work to make up for her
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u/Early-Appearance-605 16h ago
Science teacher to a student: Baxter, I almost didn’t see you there because you are so dense light bends around you.
Guy at a bar to someone looking to scrap: I beat the shit out of guys like you on my way to a fight.
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u/BrLayfield 10h ago
Was working at my job for about 3 years and messed something up and my coworker goes “i remember my first day”
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u/Etherealwarbear 14h ago
"You never have to worry about the rain, because drips don't get wet!" "Brains of a rocking horse!" "You're thick as sh*t and twice as lumpy!"
All classics said to me 😐
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u/Tremulant887 15h ago
I'm going to call you finger because it takes five of you to make a good hand.
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u/Worried-Penalty8744 17h ago
This is the second Imhotep I’ve seen today
Mans spreading his curses again
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u/VergilArcanis 16h ago
we had someone like that once, it actually was a hassle to have them work. the whole team was pisssed and when we decided to go for a dinner together this guy tried to bum a ride and none of us had room. it was funny because we collectively agreed not to let them come
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u/zachisaperson 15h ago
I don’t wanna know what you’re doing, I wanna know why you think you’re good at it
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u/Some-Reply-2552 13h ago
"Hey, what do bus windows taste like?"
"It's like you hit rock bottom and started swinging a pickaxe."
"If you listen real close, you can hear a faint sloshing noise in his skull."
"He fkn scarfs down sand, doesn't he."
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u/JustSomeM0nkE 13h ago
My grandpa told me a mate of his at work said this to him about my grandma:
<she is too goodlooking, she will cheat on you>
and grandpa replied:
<it's better to eat cake together than to eat shit alone(referring to the guy's wife)>
I'm 99% sure he just invented this in the shower and never said it to anybody
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u/dont-bury-me 13h ago
Foreman (to a guy on our crew): You know what? I'm going to start calling you "Two-guy". Guy: Why? What's that supposed to mean? Foreman: Because no one guy could be that f#$@ing stupid....
That one has and will always live rent free in my head 😅
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u/Maevalyn 10h ago
Not at a job site, but this one still kills me: "Your kidneys are so bad they couldn't be used as a coffee filter."
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u/Skreamie 9h ago
"If there was work in the bed he'd sleep on the floor"
"She'd pull the floorboards up looking for pipe"
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u/Bowtothe_Crown 7h ago
"Cee, you work like you fuck, sitting in the corner watching everyone else."
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u/IchooseYourName 7h ago
"Marty, you're about as useless as a screen door on a submarine."
Fuggin Marty
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u/craigathan 6h ago
Boss looking at the two of us working..."It's like watching 2 monkeys trying to fuck a football." Stuck with me for life!
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u/Ferm1-paradox 15h ago
In the navy, dude from New York meets the new guy just out of bootcamp and immediately says to him "that's not a forehead you got there, that's a five head"
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u/Healthy_Platform1405 14h ago
A coworker said to another coworker, "I'm a problem solver!"
My mouth instantly responded, "Well, you're half right!" without my brain having a say in the matter.
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u/liquidsmoke_89 14h ago
"If you dry that fellow out, you might be able to sell him for firewood..!"
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u/BattleHall 14h ago
"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle..."
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u/GoblinAirStrike_311 13h ago
At a local post office:
Postal carrier points to another carrier and loudly decries, “Don’t TALK to her! Or, everyone gets mandatory overtime!”
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u/Ragtothenar 13h ago
When I was in high school we had a fat security guard. Well one day a kid goes “hey steve, when was the last time you saw your dick?” And without a moment of delay Steve replied “when I pulled it out of your mom’s mouth”. The whole cafeteria lost their shit, and that kid was the butt end of jokes for 3 years after that.
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u/Burgerboy380 13h ago
Some of my favs are
"Youre as useful as a condom in a convent"
"Hey has anyone told you youre doing a good job lately? Don't rust that lerson because theyre a liar"
"You come up a lot in other people therapy sessions dont you"
"I wouldnt trust you to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the the heel"
"Your parents change the subject when you come up. Don't they"
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u/KarmaBanshee1984 12h ago
Heard a guy say to another once: “Mate, the best of you was left on your Moms bedsheets”
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u/Silencer-1995 10h ago
"Move out of the way i can't see"
moves
"Mate you make a good door but a shit window."
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u/What_Is_Bloste 9h ago
I heard one that cracks me up: You only have two braincells and both are fighting for third place!
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u/Sir_Lazz 8h ago
A few french ones.
"This guy's dumb enough to go to the beach and miss all the sand"
"This one couldn't have invented lukewarm water"
"When we finally put morons into orbit, you'll be spinning for a while".
"He's very hard to underestimate"
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u/Anon_be_thy_name 8h ago
I'd call you slow but that would be an insult to snails
Granted it was my brother saying that to his dumb as bricks dog.
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u/rikashiku 6h ago
An old Maori insult that I heard my Granddad say once upon a time ago, goes something like; "by the look of your face, your mother mates with dogs".
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u/Maleficent-Comfort14 6h ago
“If there’s ever a storm I’m gonna send you out with the rest of the sandbags”
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u/DystopicLasagna 5h ago edited 9m ago
I work in an ER, and one of the patients was a kid who was gasping for air, and his oxygen saturation turned out to be super low. On talking to the parents they revealed that they hadn't vaccinated the kid for anything outside of Polio and Hepatitis, and refused to accept further vaccinations despite their kid's rapidly deteriorating health. At one point the dad said that he'd done his "own independent research," to which my usually calm and stoic attending responded with "yeah, I can fucking tell" without skipping a beat.
I've NEVER seen a group of screamers shut up that quickly. Fortunately the kid recovered, but I still don't know if they ever opted for the vaccinations afterward.
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u/rcjh2020 5h ago
So I was in high school (ages ago) and was going to a movie with a friend. I parked my car and I guess I took the spot from someone else? I hate conflict and if this person would have said anything, I’d happily move my car.
The movie ends and my friend and I went to my car to leave. There was a note tucked under my windshield wiper that said, and I kid you not, “Your mother should have pinched your head off at birth.” The kicker - they wrote it on the back of a teacher’s slip from their notepad, like a tardy note, if you will.
I’m unsure if the note was written by an educator, or someone with a random notepad cosplaying as an educator. As an update, it has been 25 years and my mother has given no indication that she plans to pinch my head off …
* Edit for clarification
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