r/policeuk • u/utterlybroken26 Civilian • 2d ago
Ask the Police (England & Wales) Help my ex has been tracking my location and I’m worried his explanation isn’t the truth.
Help! It has recently come to my attention that my ex has tracked my location. I know this as he sent me a link to somewhere I was in google maps last weekend and then when I moved he turned up where I was alone parked in the dark with no houses around knocking on my car window. Now he’s told me it’s not a tracker on the car and I don’t share anything location wise via my phone with him. Im not sure where a tracker could be on a car but I’ve looked around the wheels underneath the bonnett and can’t see anything obvious and checked everywhere in it I can think of. I had on occasion when we were together I shared my location for limited time periods via WhatsApp but I’ve checked that all definitely off.
He advised he had an old ‘contact’ (I don’t know where from but he did royal marine training 20yrs re ago which was unable to complete so wonder if from someone related to that) he got a favour from using my phone to locate me, but the thing is he was still able to find me after I moved locations suggesting he was able to access live tracking of me so I don’t know if to believe this contact explanation of his and if he’s just saying it so I don’t catch him out for somehow hacking my account since we split or from when we were together worried. I have has a look through my phone and not seen anything obvious and changed passwords and now turned my location off entirely for absolutely everything. For clarification at the end of our relationship he panicked I was pulling away when in reality I was overwhelmed by my now late mothers illness busy visiting her in hospital for nearly 3 months and his prior insecurities and trauma got to him not perceiving the situation correctly, and he ended up doing the thing he feared I would do and cheated on me shortly before my mother died. Her funeral was only earlier this week.
I’ve checked using Airguard no obvious tags and I have a very old iPhone he has an android phone. It is really bothering me and he said he won’t do it again and stated he didn’t have a tracker on my phone, me or car but he’s told other lies so I don’t know and if he still has a way to track me even though I’ve told not him not to. Is there anything I can do to make sure he cannot track me ongoing as it’s really caused me distress.
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u/ThorgrimGetTheBook Civilian 2d ago
1) Report this behaviour to police, it may amount to stalking which is a crime.
2) There are charities that can give you better advice than us like Suzy Lamplugh Trust and Paladin.
3) If your car is relatively recent check if it has a tracking feature through the manufacturer's app.
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u/TheCraigVenabls Ex-Police/Retired (unverified) 2d ago
Report this to the Police immediately. It is stalking.
Also take your car to a garage, they will be better placed to find a tracker. They can get under the car etc.
I would also check the boot, where the pare tyre could be, under the seats etc.
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u/Lawbringer_UK Police Officer (verified) 2d ago
Exactly what this guy says. Also consider getting a new phone and phone number. Change your passwords on every account - especially anything with location services. Go through your social media and make sure you know who every friend and follower is.
Finally...and this may be a scary thought...but consider the actual human beings in your life. A few years ago I was involved in a stalking case where the woman's 'friend' was updating the ex because she didn't feel her reasons were good enough to break up with the guy(!). Hopefully not the case for you, but something to consider.
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago
My social media accounts only insta and Facebook are private and also do not have my locations anywhere and I don’t post on them often. All passwords changed too. He only met a couple of my friends and they don’t have any contact with him.
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u/Lawbringer_UK Police Officer (verified) 2d ago
You shouldn't have to hand in your phone if you report a stalking. It's certainly not common practice in my force. I'd strongly recommend you do make the report, because th behaviour will not stop otherwise - it may even escalate. You can request additional victim support and explain you are struggling and they should be able to help link you in with various support services.
If you won't make the report then AT THE VERY LEAST make a Clare's Law request. This may provide you with some reassurance, or alternatively just the push you need to officially report the offence (and make no mistake, he is committing a criminal offence)
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago
Equally when I asked him to confirm to me how he did it again saying I may need to get checked out properly he got very defensive and said not car, not me, not tracking my phone but wanted me to stay away from him or he’d call the police which threw me as if I’d done something wrong but a friend said he is just saying that to try to control the situation because of what he’s done. Up until last weekend sure there has been some standard arguments because of my hurt (mostly the day it came out) but genet we were getting along including when I’d collected some stuff as hadnt been able to fit in my car in one go and some Christmas stuff of mine I hadn’t realised Hed taken to his parents so had to get. So other the weeks had arranged to get at different times as I gave my keys back the day after he confessed.
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago
See because of my past when we first were together he actually said if I wanted I could do a Claire’s law on him and gave me that option willingly but I chose not to because he was so happy for me to do one on him understanding saying he had nothing to hide.
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u/TheCraigVenabls Ex-Police/Retired (unverified) 2d ago
The fact he offered you it is a massive red flag, most people wouldn't know what one is without either being in the police or a subject of one
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u/Lawbringer_UK Police Officer (verified) 2d ago
You still have that option now - regardless of his willingness
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago edited 2d ago
I dont want to have to hand my phone in which is what I know I’d have to do if I reported. I’m very vulnerable right now with only losing my mother 6 weeks ago. I’ve also had to do that before related to something very different over 6years ago and the investigation felt worse than what happened to me and it felt like such a violation and it ended up being NFA (due to lack of evidence which might hint what happened) almost destroying me. He was adamant he used the help from an old contact but is that even possible if he has the right connections?
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u/TheCraigVenabls Ex-Police/Retired (unverified) 2d ago
As sorry as I am for the loss of your mother, I worked in domestic crime for over 3 years. This HAS to be reported. This can very easily escalate to worse things.
I appreciate that you dont want to hand your phone over, but if that were needed, the officer could do it on the day while you wait if you explain your circumstances, if its even needed.
Without knowing your previous report, all I can do is apologise for what happened, sometimes theres nothing that can be done.
You NEED to protect yourself above all else.
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago
They did it the same day last time (though made it clear they could’ve held onto if it they wished which came across harsh and was only just before covid) but it’s just so personal it feels like I’m then being violated and I know I’m not the only one who feels about that. Is it possible if he had the right connections someone a contact of his could’ve done this without him putting something on my phone at some point. Thing is it’s like a switch prior to hin cheating the last month and even then he was the sweetest most amazing man ever it’s like a full 180.
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u/TheCraigVenabls Ex-Police/Retired (unverified) 2d ago
Sounds to me like you had a very awkward officer which is a shame.
I cant help how you feel, but i can point out that you wont be the one being investigated. He will.
To me it sounds like textbook controlling & coercive behaviour.
This can go badly. I would suggest maybe going out without driving to a public place with a friend and seeing if he turns up, this could help establish if its your phone or your car thats being tracked.
Above all else, please please please report this
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u/TheCraigVenabls Ex-Police/Retired (unverified) 2d ago
As for if he can track you using an old connection this is very unlikely for multiple reasons. My immediate thought is that its a tracker on your car, or on your phone. Some apps can do this silently without your knowledge
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u/h4rryb Civilian 2d ago
Things that can give your location away that are worth checking:
Google Maps - it has a history of where you’ve been but this can be turned off in the app.
Snapchat
Apple Find My - if he has access to any other devices logged in with your ID inc iPads, web access etc.
Best option is to change all your passwords, review the active devices logged in to make sure you recognise them all, and do as you have done and disable location services on apps.
Also worth checking all the cubby holes on the car for a tracker, seat pockets, under the seats, boot inc spare wheel well, plus under the vehicle. Some are magnetic and can be hidden fairly easily.
Keep a log of everytime he “appears”, but most of all, make sure you have reported it to the police.
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u/fussdesigner Civilian 2d ago
You posted about this recently on the legal advice subreddit, and you're missing out a lot of relevant details that would give proper context to this.
In that post, the sequence of events is:
You've wanted to pick something up from his house
There's been some sort of misunderstanding where he believed you were making threats against his children
He's said he doesn't want you at the house collecting this item and has left it outside for you instead
You've collected it and parked up nearby his house
He's sent you a Google location and told you to leave
You've moved elsewhere nearby
He's knocked on your window and told you to go
He has subsequently told you that he wants you to stay away from him and his house
It's not entirely clear how he knew precisely where you were but, given that you were in the vicinity of his house and he was actively telling you to leave, I'd suggest that this doesn't really ring alarm bells for stalking.
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago
So tell me that him tracking my location the Thursday before was also about telling me to not be near him because I was absolutely nowhere near him. I should’ve included the Thursday previously but I was trying to down play it slightly I guess. Btw had I known on the Thursday what he’d done (I just thought I was odd what he said) then I wouldn’t have collected stuff Sunday.
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u/fussdesigner Civilian 2d ago
Someone "seeming to have an idea you are out" is not an indication that they are tracking you. In the same story you claim that you believed that he was going to be out when you were going round to collect these things. Did that require you to place a tracker on him?
In your own telling of this story he is the one telling you to leave him alone, you are the one going to his house and you are the one parking up in the vicinity. It is hardly going to reuqire a tracker for him to find you if you're parking up round the corner from his house and then only moving five minutes away when confronted.
Obviously it's an extremely emotional time for you. This person does not seem to want contact with you and it doesn't seem like there's any benefit or need for you to keep engaging with them. I would be extremely cautious about going to the police when you're making unwanted visits and sending what are perceived to be threats towards the children. The counter-allegation writes itself.
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago edited 2d ago
No on that Thursday he didn’t seem to think i was just out. He knew the location of where I was, somewhere I don’t go and we’d. It been together so he couldn’t have just ‘guessed’. He was quite precise about the area I was by and I thought it was strange at the time tbh. He actually said where I was very different and like I said I was in the countryside. Very different.
Also he told me he was going out when I got my stuff. That’s what he TOLD in message me prior to me going and his car was not there, he left the item in a bag hanging off his work van wing mirror in his parking space (quite nicely hidden so was fairly safe) and told me that’s what he did, no issue. I’m not making unwanted visits he’s never once got so funny before. Also he hadn’t seen where I was parked, he sent me a locater map of my location as for finding me once I actually moved it’s a huge housing estate and he could not have just guessed in a very short time where I moved to in a dark isolated location. Aside from the map he sent me I confronted him when he came to my window and it’s what he TOLD me he’d had me tracked, I then asked if that’s how he knew where I was previously a few days earlier and he admitted yes. I have the map link (not a screenshot, a link) and me questioning how he knew my location all in messages. His admission I don’t because he said that after he scared me coming to my window as I then confronted him.
Additionally when we were talking on better terms he was quite difficult about me getting my stuff just kept saying it was ‘safe’ at his even though was a lot and I just wanted to get it. It was almost like he wanted to hold onto it to make sure I had a reason to speak to him but I knew he had his children for holidays and then lots of work trips coming up and I didn’t want to wait 6weeks- 2 months besides he was free, just being awkward and I went as per arrangement when he did make them and on one of those occasions he was seriously trying it on, hands all over me wanting to take me to his bedroom with me only a few weeks ago and I turned him down because of what he did. I kept telling him I wanted my stuff especially before my mother’s funeral which was this week gone because I wanted closure so I could focus on my mums funeral. I could only take half my stuff the day after we split and left as I’d been looking after my parents dog as the hospital put my father up (as was in the city for specialist treatment) after they announced after 10 weeks in hospital it would be end of life care. The dog had come with me to and I needed room for her in the car belted in. As I said to my friends at the time this wasn’t stuff I just want to leave as this is my ‘set up’, I’m not talking just a few bits, I had a lot of kitchen items pans, Moka pot blender, my favourite cups, some Crockery, some utensils grill etc I’d taken to his when he first moved in summer last year (he gave me a key the moment he moved in only 5 weeks of being together) and so I didn’t have to constantly take everything I had some clothes there, coats shoes, another pillow, a towel, gym equipment, extra bathroom stuff I left at his, hair dryer as only used at his and allowed his son with a lot of hair to use too, all sorts of stuff which he’d always told me to leave and gave me two drawers. Even when we arranged for me to collect some stuff in at least one occasion I ended up leaving empty handed in his insistence after being at his for a couple of hours chatting because as he said it was ‘safe’ and he needed to get Christmas stuff as apparently despite me saying several days before going the things I needed him to locate as I wasn’t sure where they were he hadn’t ‘thought’ and they were at his parents, even though he’d been there only the day before and I’d told him. It almost felt like that was on purpose. Tbh I was shocked just how much stuff of mine was there. I think he felt quite sad when he saw the last of the bulk of it go as his place looked quite different.
If you want some idea of him, the day before Hed suggested I get the train up to visit my dying mother and Hed look after the dog and take her out, turned out he went met the other woman in a local country park with my parents dog and let her stroke her as one of the last conversations I had with her was don’t worry about (dogs name). (Ex’s name) is looking after her so I could visit and not worry about leaving her on her own. Imagine the bad taste that put in my mouth and how that has tarnished my memory of last conversation with my mother who adores him and died believing he would look after me. ‘Apparently’ as per not screenshots of not very pleasant texts he sent her a couple of days later he ended it with this other woman because he wanted to keep me in his life as a friend. However I feel about what he’s done though that is something I wouldn’t want his children to know as they are old enough to understand. I have never said or messaged any threats in any form regarding his children so I found that upsetting and shocking from him, it’s deflection I know that because there hasn’t been anything and I’ve not had any contact with them since we split actually last time was a week before that when we’d all gone out for a family walk in the woods. They are children and should be left out of any of this, when we were talking calmer even on the phone I’d ask or Hed tell me how they were in conversation but we were discussing work his parents health etc too.
Additionally he did tell me the day after we split as I was there that night Hed had a lot of mental health issues I had not been aware of from a past relationship and things he had not shared I had no idea of because how he always was with me, which he was going through when he first met me and which part continued and he cheated as he saw a pattern of behaviour from his ex, believing I was pulling away, when I was just overwhelmed from my mum being ill, his tumour operation 10 days after my mum fell ill while abroad (she was medically repatriated but were waiting for insurance company to sort which took over 3 weeks) and his biopsy results while I was trying to finish my last year of studies. He panicked opportunity arose and he well. He’s aware his perception was wrong and not the reality but I ended up being punished during the worst time of my life for something that was nothing to do with me and he knows that.
Furthermore one of the Christmas items was a reindeer teddy my late mother had bought me years ago and I’d left with his stuff when packed up as looked like we were in for the long haul and no idea then what was going to happen with my mother. He still has a couple of my items because when I asked for the Christmas stuff I asked for a couple of other bits in and he didn’t ‘look’ for those even though I’d said before he went to his parents so he will message when he’s got and I’ve said I’m only going to meet him somewhere in public as I’ve no interest in going to his after this.
Ultimately he has tracked me one way or another there is evidence of that and not just for one day. Now he knows I know and that he messed up sharing that particularly with the link he sent me I wonder if he’ll stop because I was understandably distressed, shaken and angry at what he’s done and have questioned him about saying how wrong it is and to never do it again although he hasn’t come back to that part. I can’t guarantee he will though giving himself that ‘excuse’ he has created to try and justify his actions when I believe it’s just an excuse to do it to gain some form of control.
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago edited 2d ago
No he didn’t say he didn’t want me at his he said he was going out, so left it outside which was absolutely fine and he had gone out and I collected my stuff. I parked up to chill (as often have done which he knew anyway to have a vape and because it’s hard to go home missing my mother and I’d had a hard day coming back from somewhere my mum used to take me as a kid along the coast) but wasn’t outside where he lived and it’s nothing new I used to do it when were were together waiting for his say so I could go round and I’d park in different spots so no standard spot he could just guess, also same after sometimes. Additionally I’ve never made any threats and he knows that, that just came out the blue from nowhere after Hed tracked me. I’ve wanted to make sure his children are protected from this and made every effort any time weve made arrangements that they don’t see me as not fair on them. He actually had originally wanted me to stay part of their lives and I said not fair to me or them. I did move yes but it was not that close and was in an area without houses and dark and isolated and that’s where he then onward tracked me to which is where about 5 minutes after he scared me when he knocked on my window as I was asking him how he’d been tracking me. He’s 6ft 2 and strong, I’m 5ft 6 and he came and found me in a location I was not near him or anyone else in the dark alone.
Additionally what I hadnt included on either post was that on the Thursday before during a call he made to me he seemed to have an idea where I was and I was about 20/25 minutes away from him nowhere close in the countryside which was odd and it was very specific for him to just randomly guess as not somewhere I go and then seemed to have some idea I wasn’t home throughout the day (again not near him at all). He confirmed on Sunday when I asked how he had an idea where I was as I’d refused to tell him Thursday that Hed had me tracked then.
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u/DecNLauren Civilian 2d ago
Did you have a joint mobile phone plans?
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago
No.. I’ve had this number for over 20 years. I was with him for 14mths nothing of ours was connected that way. I part time lived with him 50-70% of the time though but we had no financial or account connections.
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u/utterlybroken26 Civilian 2d ago
No he didn’t seem to think i was just out. He knew the location of where I was, somewhere I don’t go so he couldn’t have just ‘guessed’. He was quite precise about the area I was by and I thought it was strange at the time tbh. He actually said where I was very different and like I said I was in the countryside. Very different.
Also he told me he was going out when I got my stuff. That’s what he TOLD me. I’m not making unwanted visits he’s never once got so funny before. Also he hadn’t seen where I was parked, he sent me a locater map of my location as for finding me once I actually moved it’s a huge housing estate and he could not have just guessed in a very short time where I moved to in a dark isolated location. Aside from the map he sent me I confronted him when he came to my window and it’s what he TOLD me.
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