r/minimalism • u/trikkimotiv • 6d ago
[lifestyle] Minimalism vs needs for a family of four?
We just emptied our house in one country of fourteen years of working from home and homeschooling our two kids and moved overseas. We always tried to keep minimalist mindsets and our house was a well oiled machine of everything having its place and being used. About three months ago we decided it was time to make that overseas move we’d discussed since we got married and actually did it.
I started by taking a car load of things to charity and a trash bag of stuff to the trash every afternoon Mon-Friday while my kids were at swim practice. All the stuff we’d definitely outgrown, clothes that would be too small when their season returned, old hobby supplies, seasonal decor, gardening gear, etc.
I should have doubled it.
Eight weeks later while at the deadline with just hours before our flights, I was up all night still sorting, packing, discarding…we had already shipped a 200cu ft container of “essentials” (ie the stuff that would cost us more to repurchase or meant too much to the kids like LEGO, the piano, bikes, golf clubs - all of this was used regularly!!) and STILL I was up trying to pack our suitcases with what was left. We wound up booking a veterans charity to collect nine boxes from our porch the day after we were gone…friends and family showed up to help us shift the stuff we used up until the night before: beds, furniture, just all of it. Cleared. The property management company was so impressed with us they gave our deposit back.
And now we are in a new house. We each arrived with one carry on and one suitcase. No furniture, nothing but beds and a small plastic dining set that were left here by previous tenants.
We got down to replacing those mattresses quickly. Bought some cutlery, plates and glasses, minimal kitchen stuff. Couldn’t decide on a sofa…so here we are three weeks into our new life with nothing but food in the fridge, a dining bench we’d always wanted to build, but no dining table yet, and our devices, pretty much.
So why am I spending all my time online finding new stuff? I thought this was what I wanted but actually the trauma of moving everything out and now having nothing doesn’t feel so liberating.
Some of it is financial: we could just go to ikea and buy desks but why when it’s all cheaper on the second hand marketplace (but it just takes time for all those transactions)? Some of it’s practical: I feel compelled to streamline those everyday needs like procuring enough kitchen/bathroom things to be comfortable, etc.
How come I am not out enjoying our “new lives” and taking in this new city, taking my kids to museums, or doing those activities we didn’t have access to before?
Why do I feel traumatised into rebuilding some semblance of what we had instead of feeling liberated?
(TLDR: what do you do when you have the chance to “start fresh” but you still have a family of four with school aged kids?)
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u/ReallyGoonie 6d ago
I mostly could have written this post. I did this 4 years ago and just did it again to a new country.
Except our moving van comes soon with many things and the apartment we secured with a long term lease won’t fit hardly any of it so I will need to get rid of it all in a country where that is hard and a city with no car. Ugh.
It sounds like you might be in optimizing mode and also still coming down from the leaving etc.
I find that I need to just walk away from the planning of how the space is going to become chill and well oiled again and just leave and go somewhere. If you’re agonizing over a desk for example go find a really cool library or cafe and work from there until you solve the desk problem. At least this is me preaching to myself.
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u/trikkimotiv 6d ago
That may be really good advice. Maybe I just need to go outside and touch grass…I feel you on the moving van. When our partial container arrives I don’t have anywhere to put the things deemed “essential” just a month ago… and I don’t necessarily want to spend the next month getting rid of it. On the other hand, it’s those delayed decisions that make up the overstuffed houses my family had that turned me to minimalism in the first place.
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u/AnnieHannah 6d ago
It's hard to move, especially internationally, I mean essentially you've lost your home and all the belongings which went with that setting, no wonder it feels a bit traumatic.
I am a total homebody and it has taken me a good two years to get over our last move, I cried so many times about losing my home, so I understand where you're coming from I think.
In time, you'll find the objects which fit in your new home and will make it yours again, you're in a transition period at present so it's understandable that you're feeling unsettled. If your kids are happy that's great, if they are unsettled then perhaps they can tell you what they need in order to feel more at home.
I find it commendable that you're buying secondhand where possible, you can get better items for less money and save resources too, however if you feel it's taking too long to find the right thing then don't feel guilty either about buying new. A dining table and couch are super important!
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u/trikkimotiv 6d ago
Thanks for sharing. I think the kids feeling unsettled may be the biggest trauma. It’s a new life for them and we’re going for the better but it hasn’t really “started” yet.
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u/preparsley 6d ago
I know when I'm overwhelmed or anxious my form of control is to triple down on decluttering and optimizing my space
Just chill, it will pass
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u/incenddia70 5d ago
Daily charity carloads? Your well-oiled machine was clearly lagging from way too much bloatware
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u/DoctorBeeBee 5d ago
Give yourself some time. You've just completed a big life event, one that's consistently ranked as one of the most stressful that people do. You need a bit of time to recover from that.
What I'd suggest is that you make a plan for the next few weeks and months, for getting the new place in order. Not just a to do list but a schedule. Prioritise the essentials you need to buy first, and what can wait. (You might even find you get along well enough without them that you decide not to bother.) That gives you some leeway to look out for bargains, whether second hand or new.
Once you have a plan you know things are in hand. So then you can allow yourself guilt-free time when you're not working on the plan. That's when you can do the fun stuff like exploring the city. (And maybe making a note of anything like nice thrift stores that look like they're worth coming back to for things on your shopping list.)
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u/trikkimotiv 5d ago
My lack of ability to make a plan and stick to it is also driving me mad: I haven’t even fully shaken the jet lag nor been able to get much sleep, my anxiety is so high.
But I’d quite forgotten the point about the big life event.
I thought I’d made a list and a plan and was coming in half finished but it turns out being here in person having gone through The Great Purge is quite another thing.
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u/doneinajiffy 5d ago
This sounds less like trauma and more like stress, decision overload and the loss of a household system built over the past 14 years.
Minimalism is about separating what you need, genuinely want, and excess. So pause the browsing; list what your family actually needs to function well; buy those things first, then add only what you notice and reflect on what you truly miss.
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u/ImHereNow3210 4d ago
We moved abroad 5 yrs ago with 4 kids and brought 1-2 suitcases each. It was still too much and only the two suitcases of sentimentals were important to us. Everything is replaceable and kids grow & needs change. Enjoy your new life and put the kids in local schools. My ex-homeschooled kids love their new lives.
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u/trikkimotiv 4d ago
Aw that’s amazing to hear. Same boat as us but 5 years ahead. You don’t know how much I needed to hear this this morning!! One has a place in school, started yesterday; the other still hasn’t and is supposed to be starting GCSEs. And of course that’s the kids whose birthday it is today: no country and just parents to spend the day with when you’ve just turned 15. Phew. Parenting isn’t always my favourite…
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u/Dry-Raccoon6964 14h ago
An ongoing online search for household items can consume focus. Dedicate specific, timed sessions each day to procurement tasks. Outside those periods, step away. This frees your concentration for enjoying your new city.
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u/NorraVavare 3d ago
Hope you are feeling better about your move today. I read all the comments and in my opinion, you're reacting to a few different things, that you didnt know where issues, at once. Thats hard and scares us in ways we dont expect.
You mentioned your old home was a well oiled machine. Sounds like you rely heavily on routines. They're all gone and its making your system feel like its missing something. Thats exhausting.
You mentioned family and lots of stuff. You owned more than you thought. You dont want to keep adding more. Yet you cant settle because there isnt enough stuff. Thats terrifying to someone who is trying to avoid family traits.
Can you pretend you're on an adventure until the shipping container comes?
Can you create temporary routines that involve not being home for now?
Does reminding yourself this is all temporary help?
Can you choose not to have an opinion about the move for 3 months?
Even if this entire move/experiment/adventure doesn't work out, you are not wasting your time and energy. Its teaching you about yourself, giving your children an amazing experience, and can be reversed. No matter what your family decides in the future, you didn't make a mistake.
No matter how much stuff you accumulate, you are not like your family. You consciously choose every day to maintain a well thought out environment. Nothing you are doing right now will change that.
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u/tellme-how 6d ago
Maybe you’re just a bit overwhelmed and exhausted with packing up your whole lives and moving to a new place, plus being responsible for your kids transition to a different environment?
It takes time to feel settled in a new place, meaning both your home and your new city, and your nervous system is probably working overtime to process all the change.
You can meet your family’s needs and take a minimalist approach- you’ll feel way more comfortable with a dining table which in turn will make you feel more settled. Do you need to buy a bunch of random furnishing and hobby supplies to match what you had before? Not at all, but you do need to get SOME items to make your house and home and a functional environment. Just do it but by bit and with intention, and think through what is adding value and worth investing in.
Enjoy your new home!