Just accepted a new role in East New York and want to live in Times Square under a few conditions.

1. Must having free parking for Bus. Just got the bus today as I couldn’t afford a car. Will be using this for commute.
   
2. Within 5 minute commute to East New York
   
3. No noise
   
4. No Crime
   
5. Cigar lounge within 5 minutes
   
6. Luxury building with view of Central Park + Balcony
   
7. Gym in building. Dumbbells must go over 160.
   
8. 1BR under $1.5K. Will go to $1.6K if required.
   
9. Gas station within 2 minutes.

If anyone has some apartment complex/areas suited for my needs, let me know. Also want to clarify - I will NOT go over $1.6K. Don’t come to me with apartments for $1,601 or more.

I'll start: Scathing wit and withering insult.

Canal Street, obviously.

Too many options

I’m the beans on toast talking to you on Reddit right now, lad. Oi mate where in New York can I find pubs and greasy spoons where they say wanker and tosser and even bugger and get me some proper beans on toast and a proper lager? Need an answer soon, ta!

Just a thought