r/amiwrong • u/springinwintersoul • 1d ago
Am i wrong for letting my daughter's friend sleep in her bed after their friend died?
I (f34) have a 15 year old daughter and an 11 year old son with my ex husband (m35). We split about 3 years ago after being together since I was a teenager. I had my daughter when I was 19 so she was kind of a surprise baby but we made it work for a long time.
The issue is about my daughter and her friend group. She's always been part of this big but really close knit group of kids, like 7 of them, and they've been friends since basically elementary school, almost like family. One of the boys in the group, let's call him Marcus, has always been super close with my daughter. They're like two peas in a pod. Honestly he's like that with everyone in the group though, including the other boys.
My ex never had a problem with any of this until my daughter was around 11 or 12. That's when he started getting weird about Marcus specifically. He started pointing out stuff Marcus did that he said were boyfriend activities. Like one time Marcus knelt down and tied my daughter's shoes before they went out, which he does for his other friends too. Another time he wrapped an arm around her while they were walking, but again, he does that with everyone, including the boys. He also started buying her little snacks and drinks when they were out with the group, and he'd save her a seat next to him at the movies, and he'd walk her to the bus stop even though the stop was right outside. My ex saw all of this as Marcus having a crush on her. I never saw it that way because it was all so innocuous and Marcus treats all his friends the same. Plus my daughter was never uncomfortable with any of it. She's always been totally at ease around him.
My ex kept trying to get my daughter to cut Marcus off completely. He'd tell her she shouldn't be friends with boys, that Marcus was going to try something eventually, all this stuff. Me and my ex fought about this constantly. I told him he was projecting and being paranoid and that his daughter was allowed to have friends. He never listened.
Now the new girlfriend. She's been in the picture for about a year and a half and she oversteps like crazy. She's tried to ground my daughter before when my daughter was at her dad's house, which is not her place at all. She also went through my daughter's phone once looking for stuff and reported back to my ex about who she was texting. And she's bought my daughter clothes and thrown out the ones I sent her over to her dad's in, saying they were too young for her. My daughter has complained to me about all of it and I've had words with my ex about it but he always takes her side.
So here's what happened. A few nights ago one of the kids in the friend group passed away. He died by suicide. It was completely out of nowhere and my daughter was a wreck, crying for hours. That night it was pretty late when Marcus showed up at my door. He was a mess too, he'd been crying and he looked awful. He said he couldn't be alone and he didn't know where else to go. His parents were out of town and he didn't want to go home to an empty house. I obviously let him in. We sat up for a while and I made them both something to eat and we just talked about their friend and remembered him. Around midnight I told Marcus he could stay the night. I offered him the couch but he looked so broken and I just didn't think about it much. I told him he could sleep in my daughter's bed and she could sleep in my bed with me or whatever. He ended up staying in her room with her because she didn't want to be alone and neither did he. I didn't see a problem with it. They're grieving together. Why would he try anything with her on the night his best friend died? Even if he did have feelings for her, which I still don't think he does, that would be the last thing on his mind.
The only reason my ex found out is because he did a surprise visit the next morning to drop off some stuff my daughter had left at his place and to bring her a care package because he knew about the friend passing. His girlfriend came with him. My daughter was still in her pajamas and she's not a good liar, so when my ex asked if she was okay and if she slept okay, she just said yeah, Marcus stayed over and they slept in her bed. My ex went pale and then he got furious. He started yelling at my daughter, asking her what she was doing, and then Marcus came out of the room looking confused and my ex pointed at the fact that Marcus hugged my daughter super tight and wouldn't let go as proof that he has feelings for her. He was like, see, look at that, that's not how you hug a friend. I told him to leave, that he was scaring the kids, and that nothing happened and nothing was going to happen. He said I was being reckless and irresponsible and that I was basically handing my daughter over to him. His girlfriend was standing there with her arms crossed nodding along and adding her two cents about how a mother should never let a teenage boy sleep in her daughter's bed under any circumstances.
I kicked them out. My daughter was crying again and Marcus was shaking. I felt terrible for them. They lost their friend and now they had to deal with this on top of it. My ex has been texting me nonstop since then about how I'm putting my daughter in danger and how he's going to talk to a lawyer about custody. My daughter is now scared to go to her dad's house because she knows she's going to get grilled about Marcus and probably punished for something that wasn't even her fault.
I just don't think I did anything wrong. These kids are hurting. They lost someone they loved and they needed each other. The door was open, and I checked on them multiple times through the night. They were both fully clothed and just sleeping. My daughter has never given me any reason to think she's not capable of making good choices and Marcus has never once made her uncomfortable. I raised my daughter to trust me and to come to me with anything, and I feel like if I had turned Marcus away that night or made them sleep in separate rooms like they were doing something wrong, I would have been teaching her that boys and girls can't be friends and that grieving a certain way is inherently suspicious. My ex is treating our daughter like she's a possession and like her friendships are something he gets to police, and I'm tired of it.
I keep going back and forth on whether I should have just made Marcus take the couch and avoided all of this, but then I think about the look on his face when he showed up at my door and I can't regret letting him stay. Maybe I'm just too soft and that's the problem.
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u/blu_skies442 1d ago
Yeah, YNW. Your ex sounds miserable to deal with.
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u/Sorry_Chemical9294 1d ago
Her ex sounds exhausting 💀 showing up unannounced with his girlfriend in tow like he's the FBI investigating a sleepover.
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u/witchymoon69 1d ago
Get to a lawyer and let your daughter explain how she's afraid to go to her father's house. Get it on the record that she does not feel safe at her dad's .
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u/ThrowRA071312 1d ago edited 17h ago
YNW!
You don’t even need to hire an attorney immediately. Have her speak to the counselor at your child’s school or if your insurance provides mental health resources, contact them. That would be a good idea anyway considering she just lost a good friend. Both counselors are mandated reporters, which means it will get legal. You’ll likely need an attorney at some point regarding custody and related issues.
Two things you should demand : contact only through one of those court-approved apps, and when/if she returns to visiting her father, girl friend is persona non grata. Since she’s the one grilling your daughter and snitching to your ex, which causes more drama, that shouldn’t be a problem.Best wishes!
Edit to add: even if - IF - Marcus is more than a friend, him sleeping over that night still wasn’t that big of a deal. Teens are going to be teens. If they are secretly dating, not letting them spend time together isn’t going to change anything that happens when you’re not there.
Edit: spelling
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u/Manda525 1d ago
Absolutely!
And start having ALL communication with the ex on one of those "parent communication apps" that are sometimes court-mandated for divorced parents to use. That will likely cut down on bombardment/blasting and abusive language etc...since everything communicated on those apps is admissible in court, and not able to be deleted iirc...and there might be other useful/protective features as well, that I'm not sure about.
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u/CerealDamage 1d ago
Yep, let a lawyer hear how the “care package” visit turned into Marcus interrogation hour.
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u/Curious_Exam_4636 1d ago
First you not wrong.. your ex and his girlfriend is out of line. I would kindly remind him, that you all can go to court and you can ask for supervised visitation whiies he continues his relatiinship with the girl hes with since she oversteps her responsibities.
He may not like it but your house your rules and his daugther will grow up hating him due to jumping to conclusions instead of talking and learning.1
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u/Several_Leather_9500 1d ago
You're not wrong, but you have to figure out this relationship she has with her dad. He doesn't sound like he's good for her mental health (or yours).
Can you communicate through an app and refuse to speak to him otherwise or make sure convos are recorded with a ring cam or similar? Can you consult with a lawyer to see what options you have re: custody, if only temporarily, based on dads/gfs behavior?
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u/springinwintersoul 1d ago
My daughter and her dad actually have a good relationship. This is just his blind spot other than his gf, and I just see/think of him as paranoid, not abusive. I don’t think it’s a custody or security camera issue. A custody battle would likely hurt her more than help. We already communicate through whatsapp about the kids, and I’m hoping he just calms down after this and focuses on supporting her through her grief.
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u/Several_Leather_9500 1d ago
It's paranoia that translates into abusive behavior. Don't minimize his behavior at your daughter's expense. How traumatic was that for her? He added to the trauma she was already in the throws of experiencing. He was abusive in that moment, and I'm certain that isn't the only time.
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u/erinjeffreys 1d ago
Your daughter is literally afraid to go to his house because she knows he'll grill her about this incident. That doesn't happen in a "good relationship". If they had a good relationship, she'd be puzzled by his actions, not scared. She already knows he's not a safe person and has been managing him in a way you have perceived as healthy (but isn't).
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u/Antique-diva 1d ago
What you just described in your post is not a good relationship. It was messed up. Your ex was in your house, screaming at your daughter and her friend, going over your head on your custody time, and you allowed it to happen. Now the daughter is scared to go to her dad's. That's a bad relationship. Not good.
You're blind to the mental abuse here. Wake up and start protecting your daughter. You were not wrong to let Marcus stay over. You were wrong to let your ex walk in like he owned the place and scream at everyone, turning the situation hostile and scary.
It doesn't matter if he's a good dad in some aspects. Misogyny is really harmful to a teenaged girl.
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u/TheMoatCalin 1d ago
He’s treating your daughter like her only value is her body and its relation to men. You know damn well this has to do with her virginity or “purity” and it’s disgusting. This crossed over into abusive years ago when he became obsessive about Marcus and every interaction they have.
Just curious is he or his girlfriend religious? Because that’s would be an entirely other can of religiously traumatic worms.
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u/Self-Aware 3h ago
Ngl adding this dynamic to their actions here is kinda raising the hairs on the back of my neck. The blatant purity culture shite pairs very strangely with the wannabe-stepmother openly throwing the kid's clothing away and replacing them in line with the GF's personal preferences, particularly as the stated reason was specifically the first set of clothes being "too young" for the daughter.
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u/Manda525 1d ago
I think they were referring to "parent communication apps" that courts sometimes mandate divorced parents to use. This allows all of those communications to be used in court proceedings, bc I think they have features like not allowing messages to be deleted etc...which keeps manipulative/abusive/narcissistic ex-partners honest...and I bet they hate that...lol
Also, as someone else mentioned, many states/provinces make allowances for and/or take into consideration what older children think/feel about spending mandated time with each parent...usually starting around 12-13 yrs old...allowing them to choose to spend less or no time with a parent they feel is abusive etc, without it triggering backlash from the court/judge. One of my friends had this situation with one of her kids. The abusive dad finally went too far by embarrassing the kid in front of everyone at a sports event, so the kiddo didn't want to go to dad's anymore. No one forced them, no matter how big of a fit the dad threw. They actually never did another visit at dad's again, and now they're in their early/mid 20s. I was happy for that child, but felt really bad for their younger sibling who continued to do weekend visits with the dad, but had to go alone and didn't have the support/help from their older sibling when they were there anymore :(
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 1d ago
They do hate it. My sisters ex refused for six months to download it. Had “tech issues “. The judge literally told him to stand in the corner and he wasn’t leaving court that day until he figured it out, my sisters lawyer offered to help, said “oh the app accidentally got blocked. Here. That should clear up your technical issues”. Judge was like “wow a Christmas miracle” Lol
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u/BungenessKrabb 1d ago
You're not wrong about this. I'm willing to bet your husband has not spent any time around your daughter's friends, let alone sat down and had an entire conversation with them. Marcus sounds like a loving & affectionate kid and your daughter's best friend. There's nothing wrong with that.
If your daughter & her father have a good relationship otherwise, maybe she could write a letter to him and honestly, openly explain how SHE feels about their relationship and why she no longer enjoys spending time at his house. It might be good for her in that it clarifies her feelings and gets it all out, even if she doesn't want to send it. If she does send it, it might give him insight into how his own behavior and decisions are impacting her, which is something he's obviously blind to.
Anyway, you did nothing wrong. I would have done the same thing. To me you sound like a great mom. Keep doing what you do.
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u/StraightDelivery777 1d ago
There is nothing good about this relationship between daughter and father and hasn't been for years regarding her friendship with Marcus.
And there is absolutely nothing appropriate regarding your ex's treatment of Marcus. Leaving him shaking and your daughter in tears.
If I were Marcus' parents, I would be talking to the police about what your ex did to him. He may not have been physical, but verbal and emotional abuse can be even more damaging. Especially to a child who just lost a best friend to suicide.
I don't know how, in any good faith towards your daughter or Marcus, you can call this your ex's "blind spot." Your ex is unhinged and shouldn't be allowed around your daughter or her friends as long as he carries this ridiculous belief about girls having guy friends. And his reactions and the shit your ex says is absolutely abuse. He's going to have your daughter so screwed up in the head regarding relationships with guys she's never going to go to her father for advise about anything knowing how your ex reacts.
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u/BlackWidow1990 1d ago
YNW
Honestly what would be the big deal if Marcus had feelings for your daughter? He seems like a generous, caring person. I thought that would be the ideal for any parent whose kids start dating. Would ex husband prefer his daughter spend time with (whether platonically or romantically ) someone as abusive as he is instead?
Also I wonder if there are any legal matters for OP to proceed with so her kids don’t have to see their father? If the daughter is that distraught about spending time at his house, something needs to be done. I wonder how the son is treated? I hope he’s not being groomed into the same behaviors.
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u/tizzy26 1d ago
You are not wrong. I was a little older (19) but when I (a female) lost a friend in a tragic way I also fell asleep in a male friend’s bed. A few of our male friends (including my boyfriend at the time who didnt know this friend as well) all lived together. A bunch of us went over there and were all up late grieving. Some people fell asleep in the living room and me and another person went with my friend to his room to look at pictures of our recently deceased friend. I woke up in the morning in his bed fully clothed. He was in the bed with me and our other friend had fallen asleep on the floor. Grief is wild.
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u/SnooWords4839 1d ago
NOT wrong. At what age in your area can a child choose who they want to live with?
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u/springinwintersoul 1d ago
15 but my daughter hasn't said anything about wanting to live with me outside of what just happened.
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u/BluejaySweaty8351 1d ago
How aware is she that she has a choice? The fact that all this has been going on and she has complained to you about issues and you keep sending her over there and calling their relationship good is definitely giving her the impression she doesn’t have any agency in this situation. It’s teaching your daughter she can’t trust her parents to protect her. Your job isn’t to wait until she complains. Your job as a parent is to protect her and show her when she is being treated poorly and that she doesn’t have to put up with it and she can depend on you when that happens.
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u/SnooWords4839 1d ago
Ex's GF overstepping, her dad accusing her of things she hasn't done, talk to your daughter.
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u/Malibucat48 1d ago
My grandson’s new stepmother went through his phone and objected to some texts he had with his girlfriend. They were in the 8th grade. She made my grandson cry and then called the girl and made her cry. My daughter was furious and made sure that never happened again. But the kids broke up and the girl changed schools, and it was traumatic for both of them.
His stepmother got better and they have a good relationship now, but my daughter made sure his dad knew his wife wasn’t his parent and could not make decisions on her own.
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u/nuclear_herring 1d ago
YNW.
When she's old enough to choose, she'll remember that you were there for her, and he wasn't.
5 years time he'll be complaining that he never sees her and will have no insight into why that is.
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u/Glad_Ad_7929 1d ago
First of all the Teens need an adult who is there for them and takes care because they lost someone important to suicide (Werther effect). So please focus on her mental health not on the fight between her and her father. Talk with her about boundaries and age appropriate relationshpis and give her trust. If she has the feeling that you trust her, she will also be ready to talk with you about privat/intimate things and you can better help her and care for her.
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u/Beneficial-Sense2879 21h ago
Of course you were right to let Marcus in, and also to let them grieve together. That's just human.
And here is a thought for your stupid ex and his gf:
When kids that age want to have sex, they will have it, no matter where, no matter what the parents say. They will just be more secretive and obstinate, the harder the opposition by the parents.
He should be careful! Only three more years, and she can cut contact with him legally. Sounds like she will do this as soon as she can.
YNW
Of course not
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u/JadieJang 1d ago
YNW and call your lawyer IMMEDIATELY. She shouldn't have to go to her father's right now.
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u/Ghostehz 1d ago
Not sure if this is a real story, but in any case, ex is lowkey a pervert for this train of thought and this much overstepping
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u/TheCatFromCoraline 1d ago
Dads who are this focused on their daughter’s sexuality always creep me out. You should try and get custody.
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u/tomboyades 1d ago
Hmmm. This sounds like a creative writing project and not a real story but it’s a holiday weekend in the states so, what else am I doing.
One, who cares even if they “did something.” They probably already have if they were going to at this age. If you trust your daughter to be safe physically then I say soldier on. The gatekeeping parent terrified of a growing kid’s normal choices around dating and intimacy is weird only for the adult.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 1d ago
Not wrong, not by a mile. The door was open, the two of them were clothed. I think they needed each other.
What your ex is revealing is that he’s the perv who can’t be friends with the opposite sex because he sexualizes everyone. Let him take you to court and as others have said, push that his girlfriend is to have zero authority or control over his daughter, her possessions, etc.
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u/tarnishau14 23h ago
You did nothing wrong. The court will view this as a parenting decision- nothing more. Talk to your lawyer about a third party interference clause for the girlfriend.
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u/S30M4NV0G3L 23h ago
Even if there were feelings there, you wouldn’t have done anything wrong here. I hate how normalized this puritanical bullshit is. They are 15, even if they wanted to try out being sexual, that would be absolutely normal and appropriate as long as they do it with an age appropriate partner. Parents should teach their children about safe sex and then butt out of their children’s sex lives unless the children want to talk to them about it. But especially in this situation your ex’s freak out shows he is just a controlling asshole.
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u/RoxxieRoxx1128 18h ago
At 16 most states let the minor make decisions about if they want to see a parent or not. If this is big enough for your daughter not to want to go over there anymore, that is something y'all should talk to a lawyer about. She's 15 but in my experience a judge may listen still. Keyword may.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 18h ago
Seems like making him an ex was the wisest things you've done. For heaven's sake... The door was open all night. They were grieving and needed someone who understood completely what a loss they'd had.
May their friend's memory be forever for a blessing. I'm so sorry for this huge loss. My heart goes out to all who love him.
Also ..I agree with the others... See if there is something you can do about the thief and creeper that your ex is inviting into her life.
Updateme
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u/fjmj1980 1d ago
Slightly OT and It doesn’t matter to me but my hunch is the boy is gay. At 15 he would have made a romantic gesture of some sort if he’s surrounded by girls.
Otherwise I would say father is opening a huge fan of worms, at 15 your daughter’s input is taken into consideration and dad likely has zero clue that the way he and his GF criticize her can come back to bite them
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u/Ok-Response-1746 1d ago
Did you ever lose someone that was close to you? There is a small chance that you will be thinking about sex that same night, probably an even slimmer chance when it is death by suicide...
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 1d ago
Even IF Marcus had feelings for your daughter she’s 15. Is that not the normal age for a first boyfriend? I wasn’t allowed to date so i don’t know but that seems within reason of what I’ve seen from my kids and their friends.
You monitored and checked in on them because of their grieving so you know “nothing happened”. Your ex jumped to a giant conclusion and didn’t stop to find out all the facts and has damaged his relationship with his daughter as a result.
But my point is - even IF Marcus had feelings for your daughter and they started going out why is that a problem with your ex? Is he against dating? Against Marcus specifically? Is it a race thing? Did he have an affair with Marcus’ mother? What’s the big flying freak out, Batman?
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u/andronicuspark 1d ago
I’m curious to know if he’d have this kind of reaction if if he had a teenage son sleep in a girl friend’s bed.
NITW
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u/Necessary_Tap343 1d ago
YNW. Your daughter should be almost old enough to legally make a decision about who she wants to have full-time custody. Check local laws and seek competent family law legal advice. Updateme
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1d ago
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u/springinwintersoul 1d ago
Their friend just killed himself, that's the worst time to bring this concern up even if it's a valid one.
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u/MugglesSuck 1d ago
I have young nieces and what I’ve noticed in their extended friends group that are girls and boys who have grown up together and are heading into later teen years… That they're physically affectionate with one another in their friends group in ways that weren’t usual in my friends group growing up. And frankly, I think it’s lovely to see.
I don’t think you’ve done one thing wrong and I think that your ex-husband and his girlfriend are deeply out of line and have violated your daughter by looking at her phone and damaging her clothes. I think it would really help if you could talk to someone legal system that can give you some parameters about how to set appropriate boundaries going forward including visitation changes that your daughter may request at this point.
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u/MugglesSuck 1d ago
I trust his mother, especially because she had a young pregnancy to be someone who is able to ascertain the relationship and comfort of friends during a terrible time over the concerns you’re expressing.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1d ago
You did nothing wrong. I’d be getting advice from a lawyer as your daughter is probably old enough to get a say in who she stays with
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u/yourhuckleberrie 1d ago
So wait, she needs to not be friends with boys...but the clothing sent to his house was "too young" for her?
As the kids say: make it make sense.
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u/Umbral_Aethel 1d ago
Not wrong for giving two grieving kids a safe place when one of them had an empty house to go back to. For pure custody-drama optics, I would make it couch or separate rooms next time, not because Marcus is a cartoon villain waiting for a sad enough moment, but because your ex and his girlfriend are apparently running a teenage friendship crime lab. Save the texts and talk to your daughter about what she wants for visits, because the grilling and phone searches are the bigger red flags here.
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u/turtlmurtl 1d ago
Your daughter is 15. At this point, the court should be taking her opinion into account on what type of custody she is comfortable with. At 15, I feel like she could decline to even go over to his house and nothing will happen because again, she’s old enough to make that decision.
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u/Soggy_Helicopter8610 1d ago
Well for starters your daughter is 15 and at that age she gets to decide who she lives with doesn’t she?
Secondly, as someone who lost a friend to suicide at 13 I would have really appreciated someone to be by my side at that time. I think you were appropriately empathetic to those children and they will remember you as a safe space.
And thirdly, Marcus sounds like a great kid. I hope my kids have partners like this as they are growing. If they are dating then good work raising a daughter who knows to date the good guys.
As for your ex and his wife/girlfriend… they are only hurting their relationship with her. If your ex wants to have a daughter that feels safe and connected to her father then he’s going about it the wrong way. This is his own problem. Your best move is to support your daughter and look into counseling for her. It will be good for her to work out her feelings about how he’s treating her, but he’s going to have to learn the hard way that he’s ruining his relationship with her.
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u/Embarrassed-Sir2504 17h ago
When he takes you to court, get a guardian ad litem added. They’ll help your daughter specifically
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u/Whitewitchie 14h ago
Everyone needs to calm down. I personally feel Marcus would have been OK on the couch. I brought up two daughters and mixed sleepovers were not something I agreed with. Strangely enough, one daughter ended up being glad I refused permission to one particular group sleepover, as things went pear shaped very quickly. OP's ex needs to be a father without exhibiting neanderthal tendencies and his girlfriend need to wind her neck in. Taking an interest in her boyfriend's children is one thing, doling out punishments is inappropriate. This is something which needs to be worked out with OP's ex, with parameters agreed.
What is particularly concerning is the suicide within the friendship group. This is something which needs careful monitoring and a cool head. I think all the adults are at fault, to a certain extent. Being a parent is incredibly difficult, and I can certainly give a long list of my own errors. One way forward would be a discussion between OP, her daughter and Marcus, saying whilst she trusts them, they aren't little children anymore, and sharing beds can be misconstrued very easily. Take it from the position that OP made an error of judgement. The whole scenario is a nightmare, and I really hope OP finds a way through this, supporting her daughter and her friends.
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u/Honest-Abe-SD 1d ago
They (ex and his new chick) make sure you are reminded you have no control over parenting in their home (tbh, don’t care if the chick thinks the clothes are “too young” or anything, she has no right to throw em away when you bought them).
They don’t trust your daughter and go thru her phone.
They refuse to co-parent.
They feel entitled to enter your home and parent your child (again, which they say you can’t parent you kid under their roof 🤷♀️), basically call you a bad mom.
And they decided their feelings and they they they they they they are all that matters while yelling in a home that’s not theirs at two teenagers who lost a friend to suicide.
They should get a lawyer, because THEY SUCK!
Let’s shame the kids who just lost a friend let alone to suicide because I didn’t get my way. THEY SAY TO THEMSELVES..
Glad you are a good mom and Marcus had you and felt comfortable to go to you and talk. Poor guy was gonna be all alone dealing with the loss and then finds comfort and safety only to wake up and basically be called a perv while getting yelled at by people who aren’t his parents and don’t live there where he got approval from the adult (you) that does live there.
Hugs to the kids
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u/bugsonas 1d ago edited 1d ago
YNW. the obsession your ex has with her intimate life is not only weird and invasive, but its an especially inappropriate time for him to be behaving this way and bringing it up. regardless of how Marcus feels about your daughter and vice versa, enforcing an unnecessary gender divide is a poor lesson to teach children. plus, ive been in their position before and let me tell you, it is not a mindset to be thinking about dating and such i can tell you that much.
its clear they care about each other and their other friends and trust each other and you enough to grieve together in your house. id be documenting this behavior from ex as much as you can if a custody hearing is in the picture. not to mention shes old enough for the courts to take her preferences into consideration. i really hope things work out in you and your daughter’s favor and she and Marcus continue to have a safe space to process such a horrible grief.
edit: clarifications
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u/ARoundForEveryone 1d ago
Not wrong. I mean, as long as you keep an eye on your daughter and Marcus (or any other boy...which I'm sure you are). But no, just sleeping in the same bed does not mean anything sexual happened. I mean, I went on a vacation a year ago and because of some confusion on our part, and I think some on the hotel's part, I had to share a 1-bed room with my sister for one night. Does anyone think I fucked my sister? I hope not, but also I don't think so. Just an unfortunate situation that was out of my control. Just like this situation is out of your daughter's control. She's free to be friends with - and close friends with - whoever she wants.
If Marcus has eyes on her in any other way, then Dad can step in, but if it's just two kids grieving, then what's the problem? We all grieve, and some of us do it alone, but most of us seek comfort in others - especially others who are also grieving. Catch her in bed with him on a regular Wednesday night? Sure, light their asses up and read them the riot act if you want. But if they're both obviously in emotional turmoil, don't fuck them up with some more emotional shit. I'm not saying let them make babies under your roof, but if you know that's not what's going on, then this should be a non-issue.
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u/Ok-Addendum-9420 1d ago
YNW. Are you, your Ex, your daughter, and Marcus all the same race or ethnicity? If not, that could explain (but not excuse) your Ex’s unreasonable attitude towards Marcus.
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u/springinwintersoul 1d ago
Yeah we're all white, I mean Marcus is tan but still.
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u/Ok-Addendum-9420 1d ago
Huh, well is your ex one of those weirdos that want their daughters to take purity vows? He sure seems freakishly obsessed with his daughter’s virginity, at least her virginity where Marcus is concerned. You said other boys are in the group, right? Are there other boys besides that poor kid who committed suicide? And if so, are they as affectionate as Marcus? If they aren’t, that might explain (but again, not excuse) Ex’s freakish suspicion.
I GUESS he could be thinking back to his attitude towards girls and sex when he was their age, but that implies a lack of character on his part and not anyone else’s. In other words, just because he was slimy when he was a teenager it doesn’t mean all teen boys are as unprincipled. It sounds like Marcus was brought up right and doesn’t look at girls as sexual conquests only.
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 1d ago
I wouldn't have let him sleep in my daughters bed with her. Just not going to happen.
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u/Kooky_Albatross4683 1d ago
I'm your context and background I'd say your husband is being overprotective about the tying the shoelaces etc. Definitely overbearing, should chill out a bit.
But specific to this scenario, I think you were wrong to allow two teenagers to sleep in a bed together without letting her father know that this was happening, especially knowing he would be against it. Yes they are grieving but it's somewhat weird to let him sleep on your daughter's bed. She is not an adult yet and your husband does get a say in something like that. While your husband is being overprotective, you're refusing to set any kind of boundary at all. At the very least, you should have slept in the room with them if this was the case.
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u/wheresmymonkey_ 1d ago
What, so the father can come over and make an wholly unnecessary scene on the actual day the teens friend died? Yeah, no.
YNW, OP.
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u/Kooky_Albatross4683 1d ago
The father making a scene is also acting like an idiot, but the situation really doesn't warrant two teenagers sleeping in the same bed together.
Parenting doesn't work like this, one parent cannot just make decisions like this without involving the other "because they will just make a scene". As another user pointed out, what about marcus's parents who are out of town. Were they aware their son is sleeping in the same bed as one of his friends.
OP made the right call by letting him in, cooking him a meal and offering him the couch. The bed was too far and y'all going on about this is ok, would love to see if someone did this to your kid. Imagine you find out one day that while your child was at someone else's house, their parent actively encouraged your child sleeping in the same bed as another. You'd be horrified.
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u/Academic-Camel-9538 1d ago
Exactly. And are Marcus’ parents ok with that as well? I honestly don’t see how sleeping on the same bed together is necessary in this situation.
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u/MarlenaEvans 1d ago
Nobody asked you if you thought it was necessary.
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u/Academic-Camel-9538 1d ago
Actually, OP did. OP is asking for feedback, hence why she posted on this thread. Pay attention and keep up.
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u/Competitive-Place280 12h ago
Honestly I feel like you’re a little ignorant about this. He definitely has a crush on her and sleeping in her bed? Nah. They both should’ve slept in the living room. Your ex and his gf are kinda right but the gf is definitely overstepping.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 1d ago
No Marcus shouldn’t be sleeping in your daughter’s bed. You were teen a mom yourself so this is just carrying on the tradition for you. So of course you don’t see anything wrong with it.
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u/Ok-Path-3534 1d ago
Totally inappropriate. You should’ve offered to let them camp out in the living room or they all sleep in your room. But two teenagers sleeping together in a bed behind a closed door should always be an easy and big NO.
You said it yourself you had your daughter at 19. Do you want to be a grandma before you’re 40?
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u/Fyreparadoxs 1d ago
ESH- yes and no- I can see both sides but I'd side with the husband on this one. Having been a teenage boy at one point many decades ago- I know what the raging hormones of an adolescent boy can do to the thought processe of said boy. The biological urge is strong. (Your ex-husband knows this as well). From the boys perspective - your daughter or the cushions between the couch- it all feels the same in the dark.
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u/FarNefariousness9213 1d ago
Exactly! unless you want to be called grandma, don't let any teenage boy share A bed with her...or at least get her birth control.
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u/ringwraith6 1d ago
Your ex has gotten to the stage all fathers reach when they realize that their daughter is at the age when boys will be trying to get in their daughter's pants. He would've been fine with it if the genders were switched.
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u/S30M4NV0G3L 23h ago
No not all fathers reach that stage. Only assholes that think they should be able to control their daughters reach that stage.
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u/ringwraith6 17h ago
I'm willing to concede that every father I know...with a teenage daughter...is a controlling asshole. I've talked to more than one human male shaped brick wall about it.
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u/vejbok 1d ago
Story time. I know a woman who is a single mother to a lovely young boy, he's a credit to her really.
So when said girl was around 17 her dad got married and she ended up with a new step brother a couple years older than her. A few years go by and one night the step brother is out on her motorbike with his girlfriend when they get in an accident. He's pretty much fine other than a badly scraped leg. The girlfriend not so much, died on the side of road. Couple of nights later he's back home but stricken with grief and the whole family end up opening a couple of bottles of wine. Parents go to bed and they stay up talking for a bit.
And 9 months later she gave birth.
Grief can make people seek out human connections. 2 sad emotional 15 year olds sleeping together...... nothing could possibly happen.......
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u/Kitchen_Egg8180 1d ago
You are wrong. Letting her shared a bed with a boy while they are under age and while you know your ex is not on board with this. There is a reason you were a teenage mum. Ans now you are creating situations for your daughter to follow in your footsteps.
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u/VFX-Wizard 1d ago
I’ll get hate for this but whatever. Definite rage bait/creative writing.. but if not, you are possibly the most naive person I’ve seen on Reddit in a while.
Forget the girlfriend, the father is trying to protect his daughter because he know boys way better than you do. Of course Markus is trying something it’s in boys nature.. there are too many points in your made up story to directly discuss, but as far as letting them sleep together… 100% wrong and completely naive.
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u/Anxious-Abrocoma-630 1d ago
this is a horrible take from a man who sees women as nothing but sex objects. not every man is this way. some can respect women as friends.
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u/missskins 1d ago
I agree. Everyone will say it’s fine to not hurt feeling or assume the worst. When something does happen they will turn right around and blame the mother. Same ones that will say it’s ok to sleep with grandpa or uncle Jim and act shocked 20 years later to find out they were molested.
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u/Kooky_Albatross4683 1d ago
Reddit can be fascinating sometimes. The father is concerned about his daughters safety (perhaps going about it the wrong way but still just concerned that the mom is literally encouraging a guy to sleep int he same bed as her under their roof). And everyones advice is to retain a lawyer and cut her off from the father completely???? Wild wild place, and I wonder if they would have the same advice if this was their own kid.
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u/MarlenaEvans 1d ago
If her father can't control his emotions around his child then he's not stable enough to be around her right now. Let's hope he gets his hormones under control.
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u/VFX-Wizard 1d ago
You are only hearing one side. I’m sure the father will have a much different take.
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u/StraightDelivery777 1d ago
Tell your ex you're happy to go to court, request supervised visits, and request his girlfriend not be allowed around your daughter.
How old is your daughter? If you're in the US, most states will listen to the children, and what they want for visitation, beginning at 14 years of age. Consult a few family attorneys if you do not already have one, and learn the laws of the location you live.
You did nothing wrong, OP. Your ex sounds unhinged, and after this, I would never allow him in my home again. Your ex needs serious counseling and his girlfriend is a problem that you should consult with an attorney about. She has no right to go through your daughter's phone, nor throw out her clothes.