r/YUROP • u/TacitusKadari Deutschland • Oct 25 '23
European Galactic Republic My pitch for European Star Trek
Since Americans are (predictably) over represented in Star Trek, I came up with this: The ESS Charlemagne, a Eurostarship with an entirely European crew.
- Captain (Belgian): The result of a teleporter accident fusing a Walloon and a Flemish person into one. A Byronic hero with the life experiences of two people, but internal conflict over which language to speak.
- First Officer (Luxembourgish): Has good contacts to tax evading Ferengi.
- Second Officer (Danish): Born a pirate, joined the Eurospaceforce to dab on the Russians.
- Science Officer (Swedish): Famous for their studies of the interdimensional phenomenon known as SCP-3008.
- Chief Engineer (German): Always keeps the Charlemagne in top condition. From the Mercedes engines, to the Zeiss Phasers, Rheinmetall Photon Torpedos, Bosch Coffee Machine (especially important) and even the Porsche Shuttles and Krauss Maffei Wegman ground equipment. Also had a hand in designing the Charlemagne and made sure she has enough Kruppstahl to resist Klingon disruptors.
- Security Chief (Polish): Personal shuttle has wings, always wears a Winged Hussar patch, added a Russian alarm to the normal intruder alarm. Their No.1 task force consists of an Estonian, a Latvian and a Lithuanian security officer. Has enough weapons in their private quarters to arm half the crew.
- Chief Communications Officer (French): Insists that Charlemagne is/was French and that everything on board would go smoother if everyone just spoke French instead of more or less broken English. Speaking of which, they are known for random tirades against England.
- Weapons Officer (Finnish): 360 no scopes with Phasers and Photon Torpedos. All special abilities of this officer get a buff up to 200%, depending on which Death Metal band is played on the bridge during battle.
- Helm (Greek): Never misses a chance to tell everyone about their Odyssee. But the Captain has forbidden them from raging against the Turks, because: "We can't make it too obvious that they'll never get into the EU." Thus, they use euphemisms like Cyclops or Gorgon instead.
- Navigator (Dutch): Completely normal, until the Charlemagne activates her Warp engines. Then with the puff of a joint of spice melange, a third eye opens and the Navigator unleashes prescient powers to guide the Charlemagne through the dangers of the Warp.
- Cook (Italian): Murdered the last person who ordered Pizza with Pineapple.
- Counselor (Irish): Gives you a Guinness Beer or two... or three... sometimes a couple more and you immediately feel better :D
- Supply Officer (Romanian): The Charlemagne is always well supplied. It's so quick and efficient, most starbases don't even realize they've resupplied the ship until it's in the next star system :D
- Chief Medical Officer (Spanish): Recommends sunbathing and siesta to everyone and actually has a point. Starships are a high stress environment without real sunlight after all.
That's all I could come up with. Still missing several countries. Feel free to fill the gaps.
Edit: Sequel
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u/barsonica Yuropean Oct 25 '23
Czech - assistant Engineer to the Chief engineer. Always complains that she should be the chief engineer and that she's more skilled then the German, but often gets drunk becomes irresponsible.
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u/zek_997 Portugal Oct 25 '23
For those who want to see a show like this, the show 1899 had a pretty pan-European set of characters. The difference is that it's set in the 19th century rather than the future.
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Oct 25 '23 edited Oct 25 '23
A Greek pilot implies that the starship has a horn.
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 25 '23
How about a big bronze battering ram? That's peak space combat!
Imagine the ships from Treasure Planet, but they're ancient Greek Triremes instead.
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u/Hel_Bitterbal Swamp Germany Oct 25 '23
Nemesis would've ended differently if only the Enterprise had been equipped with a battering ram. Maybe Data wouldn't have died...
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u/Celeborns-Other-Name Sverige Oct 25 '23
First officer and captain from Benelux? No thanks. More diversity in the first one. How about an introvert Finn as the captain and an extrovert Spaniard as first officer? That would be awesome.
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u/Testerpt5 Oct 25 '23
Astrometrics - Portuguese - has access to some old charts and is able to properly update them and add details alongside with new star maps, also thinks German chief engeneer is too "by-the-book" and knows his second assistant (also PT) can do the same in half the time and half the resources.
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 25 '23
I hereby declare this canon!
Except for the part with the second engineer being Portuguese. u/barsonica already made this officer Czech.
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u/DazSchplotz Baden-Württemberg Oct 25 '23
But everytime the Portugese second assistant did the engineering work in half the time and half the resource (mostly because the German engineer was busy fighting with the unemployed Austrian guy over the towel that lays on a deck chair on the medical siesta deck to reserve it) his botched work is already in flames before the German returns.
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u/Testerpt5 Oct 26 '23
I never said he did it right, only that he had half the budget and half the time
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u/SqueakSquawk4 Reluctant brit Oct 25 '23
Helm (English): Hel Comic relief. Marches around acting superior, despite being completely clueless as to what's happening between the rest of the crew and also subtly not liking anyone else there.
Navigation (Welsh): The alien of the crew. They're a dragon, granted Welsh citizenship because they look like the flag. Always measures areas in the size of Wales.
Child (Northern Irish): Child of the Cousellor. They hate each other.
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 25 '23
I'm not sure putting an English person at the helm is a good idea....
They'll always drive on the wrong side of the road *badum*tss*
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u/EldritchCleavage Oct 26 '23
Helm’s only friend is a crew member from Malta who he helped in a fight once.
Stores is run by someone from Jersey. Always squirrels stuff away and denies having it until forced to do so by threat of disciplinary action.
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u/Ringlord7 Yuropean Oct 25 '23
A minor suggestion: The second officer and the science officer are really good friends but often joke about hating each other because of pranks they played on each other when they were younger.
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 25 '23
And they fought over a Norwegian girl when they were teens. Canon!
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Oct 25 '23
Chief Communications Officer (French)
I'm picturing Sebastian Chebal when a rugby journalist dared address him in English...
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u/Electriccheeze Vlaanderen Oct 25 '23
Ok, merci.
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbl700
Chabal could speak English (he played in England for 5 years) he just didn't want to.
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u/Stabile_Feldmaus Oct 25 '23
Now we need a Star Trek esque Adaption of ode to the Joy for the intro.
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u/pino_entre_palmeras Yuropean not by passport but by state of mind Oct 25 '23
I love this question, but I just wanted to point out that the officers are already less than half American.
TOS
- Kirk (Iowa, US)
- Bones (Georgia, US)
- Sulu (San Fransisco, US)
- Uhura (Fictional State in Africa Continent, Swahili Speaker)
- Scotty (Scotland)
- Chekov (Russian)
- Spock (ET)
TNG
- Picard (French... qui boit de l'Earl Grey, je le sais.)
- Riker (Alaska, US)
- LaForge (Somolia)
- Yar (Other planet.)
- Worf (ET)
- Troy (ET)
- Data (I guess Soong could be from the States?)
- Crusher (Moon)
etc...
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u/Pokeroflolol Oct 25 '23
Do you really think a Belgian captain would be able to hold a tight ship? The whole bridge would go up in flames due to his inability to appoint a competent bridge crew for the next 3 years. Austria on the other hand always provides competent leaders to the rest of Europe 👀
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 25 '23
You've got a point!
Although be cautious that the Austrian Captain doesn't suffer a transporter accident and is merged with a Georgian Captain. That'd be awkward....
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u/dm_me_tittiess Oct 25 '23
Maybe merge the Austria and the Hungarian together instead of the 2 types of Belgian.
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u/MobofDucks Westfalen Oct 25 '23
I would say a single belgian captain would. We just need to make really sure that there is only one belgian on the ship at any given time.
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u/bricart Oct 25 '23
I mean...the fact that Belgium will soon be 200years old is proof of our capacity to survive anything. So I would argue that we make sense as a Captain.
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u/Wuz314159 Pennsilfaanisch-Deitsch Oct 26 '23
The USA is almost 250 years old.... ARE YOU EVEN YUROPEAN?!?!
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u/bricart Oct 26 '23
Still older than Italy, Germany, (modern) Hungary, (modern) Poland, all of the Balkans, ...
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u/kuppikuppi Oct 25 '23
nice, the only thing that bothers me is the explicit name dropping of weapon manufacturers. This feels too much like a glorification to me.
Also might add in a Brit that will leave for some Seasons.
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u/MagnetofDarkness Ελλάδα Oct 25 '23
CBS/VIACOM/ PARAMOUNT+ needs, urgently, to order a pilot episode with your idea.
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 26 '23
I wouldn't trust Americans to do it right. But I trust German filmmakers even less (unless we're talking about Michael Bully Herbig).
Less goo!!!
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Oct 25 '23
Chief engeneer should always be a Scottish drunkard. I'll never forget how Scotty drunk under the table a higher alien lifeform as a sabotage manouver. Also USS goes for United Space Ship and was crewd by all spicies of Federation as it should be.
Edit. Sorry, I meant Scottish.
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 25 '23
Yes, I remember that episode. One of my favorite scenes :D
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u/Hel_Bitterbal Swamp Germany Oct 25 '23
I misread it as "crewd by all spices of the Federation" lol
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u/Hel_Bitterbal Swamp Germany Oct 25 '23
You still need someone operating the sensors and scanners. Not sure which nationality would be suited for that, i'd say a Serbian but they aren't in the EU so maybe a Norwegian?
Sensors should be made by Thales, in my totally unbiased opinion
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u/TacitusKadari Deutschland Oct 26 '23
We are still missing a Bulgarian, Slovakian, Slovenian and a Croatian. Could be either of those.
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u/Nyalli262 Bosna Oct 26 '23
And Bosnian :)
Why does it have to be the EU? We're European, too!!
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u/spartikle Navarra/Nafarroa Oct 26 '23 edited Oct 26 '23
Nurse (Portugal): Humbly works under the sometimes-overbearing Chief Medical Officer. Frequently feels awkward when crewmen mistake her for the doctor. Some of her most important feats are falsely attributed to her more well-known boss. But she and the Chief Medical Officer are the best of friends nonetheless.
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u/SqueegeeLuigi Oct 26 '23
Counselor's mother in law (Israeli) - shows up once a year in skimpy clothing for a song contest, sexually harasses the captain, half the crew are confused why she's even there.
Constable (Hungarian) - is of Klingon ancestry, his family traversed the void steppe and was magyarized. Is never caught off guard because he always expects things to go wrong.
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u/Nyalli262 Bosna Oct 26 '23
Israel is not in Europe though...
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u/SqueegeeLuigi Oct 26 '23
That's why she's a recurring guest character and not part of the crew. It's based on Lwaxana Troi. She was the mother of Deanna the ship's counselor from TNG, whose accent Marina Sirtis based on an Israeli friend of hers.
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u/Merbleuxx France Oct 25 '23
Nonsense the captain should be Picard, always.
And the cook should be French because the best military rations are French
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u/Corvid187 Oct 25 '23
The most English Frenchman in television history, if anyone could bring about pan-european peace and harmony it would be him.
French rat packs at soooo goddam good it's not even funny. The French armed forces put literally all their stats into just demolishing every other nation on earth's rations as a national priority, and it honestly kinda paid off for them.
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u/paixlemagne Yuropean Oct 25 '23
Reminds me of "Raumpatrouille" or "Commando spatial" from the 1960s, but maybe less fascistoid looking?
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u/spartikle Navarra/Nafarroa Oct 26 '23
Charlemagne, perfect name for a European ship. He was our "grandfather" after all.
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u/Pyrrus_1 Italia Oct 26 '23
Chief Carthographer (Portuguese): will go absolutely feral in his pursuit to make the most accurate interstellar maps ever known to man, always tries to sneak in the teleporting room when the captain orders to descend on planets, when on foreign planets will always try to find the best spices with which to give flavour to his bachalau.
Nurse Staff (Maltese): very skilled in medications, specially in treating wounds, wears a red uniform and a hospitaler cross even if it breaks the medical uniform code, constantly debates with the Spanish medical officier if using holy water can be helpful in treating alien parasites.
Doubles as the unofficial catholic ship chapelain.
Chief Exobiologist (Bulgarian): loves its alien roses and the essences he extracts from them, synthesizes drugs for the medical officiers, both legal and illegal, doesnt like people stepping unonnounced in his greenhouse and lab, doesnt get out much.
Retired Diplomat (Cypriot): used to be the ships diplomat always at the side of the captain but since, the incident, in which he was separated in 2 distinct people by a turkish teleporter, he has been in and out of cosciousness at various intervals ever since.
New Chief diplomat (Croatian): stepped in after the incident, Used to run a resort before joining the diplomat school, but dont ask about their past as an officier.
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u/StevenStephen Uncultured Oct 26 '23
Honestly one of my main kvetches about Trek as une américaine.
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u/CitoyenEuropeen Verhofstadt fan club Oct 25 '23