r/SuicideWatch • u/throwaway09072026 • 14h ago
I can't believe I am here
I spent 35 years working in mental health. I have worked crisis lines and talked people down from killing themselves. On my primary account I have come to this community to try and help people. Let me be clear I am not asking for help. I just need to tell someone my plans. I know if I share this with my doctors, family or friends they will all feel obligated to intervene.
This all started a little over 6 years ago when I quit a job I hated. I had significant resources to live on until I found another job. I had numerous health issues come up during this time that delayed finding another job. Last year I seriously started looking for work. I didn't expect it to be so hard. I have great references and a good work history.
I started getting really sick at the end of last year. I was in incredible pain. It took everything I had to just get up each day. I went to the doctor who ran labs and eventually referred me to an hematologist. It was cancer. It was a cancer with no cure. There is treatment that can extend my life. I wasn't so sure I wanted to go through it but with the encouragement of family and friends I did. I knew I could change my mind at any time.
The chemotherapy was very expensive. It was a quarter of a million dollars a month. Fortunately, I have really good insurance through the affordable care act. I could easily afford my deductible and copays. I had a procedure that required a lengthy hospital stay. I did this all by myself. I have no spouse or children. I applied for disability because I am in the last year of my savings.
I didn't know that one has to work at least 5 of the last 10 years to be eligible for social security disability. I was turned down. I physically can not return to work. I am in constant pain because the cancer caused my bones to weaken and break. Chemotherapy causes my thoughts to be foggy. After January I won't have money for bills including my health insurance.
I haven't given up yet. I am meeting with a disability attorney. I don't believe there is anything he can do but I will see. I am continuing treatment for now. I might just stop treatment before the end of the year or I may take my own life. I am on lots of medication and I know what will take me out quickly. Even if I could somehow afford my expenses there is a 50 percent chance I will be dead in the next 5 years.
I will certainly be dead without treatment. I will NOT become a burden to my family or friends just to have food and a place to lay my head. My life has been very good. I have loved and lost. I have great people who love me. I worked a job that allowed me to give back to society. I also have faith in God. Death is just another chapter. While I feel a little sad about this I am not overwhelmed with grief. Short of a miracle I see no choice.
Thank you for reading my post. I am not asking for anyone to tell me I shouldn't do it. I am not asking for help. I just needed to express myself.
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 11h ago
God I hate America so intensely it’s not healthy.
I’m so sorry.
You’re not the first cancer survivor I have heard basically say it’s not even worth surviving because you will be homeless, penniless, jobless, etc.
I’m so sorry. Air hug. Super tight.
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u/TimeSpot4884 13h ago
Family will never be a burden. Family is love. He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.
Sometimes it takes more courage to ask for help and to accept it than it does to give it. We are proud, we people. To be vulnerable overfor people we love is strength.
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u/Bool_The_End 4h ago
A lot of family absolutely does not care, so to say that to someone is kinda messed up for anyone going through anything where their fam does not at all give a crap.
That said your message was sweet and i know that wasn’t the intention.
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u/Significant-Fee4457 11h ago
can u get SSI to at least help some with bills? it usually comes with medicaid or free health care. its different than SSD and you might qualify for it! it's insane that u even have to fight for this in your condition though. Free Luigi
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u/Aoi_Haru 6h ago
I’m really sorry man. It sucks, society (USA, in this case) has failed you, and it’s unfortunate.
It’s completely understandable. I’m glad you still haven’t given up, and thank you for everything you did here and and elsewhere helping people with about their mental healt.
You’re a good person. Take care.
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u/sadSeaUnicorn 19m ago
hi, I know you are not looking for advice so I am just commenting to say that I see you. I hear you. I read your story. I respect and admire you. Thank you for everything you have done for the mental health community, both online and offline. You are a star who has, undoubtedly, helped countless of people who were on the edge and that will be your legacy. You will live on through those people when you pass, regardless of how it comes to be.
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u/Imaginary_Thanks_645 12h ago
Dear Stranger, Thank you for your post. It was eloquent. I don't mean to sound trite: I sincerely relate to the majority of it except I have no family and a different debilitating illness. I no longer want to live because I can't take care of myself and want to be in Heaven with family and friends and no more pain. If I knew a painless and assured manner to end everything, I would. Thank you for your post... for expressing yourself.