r/SingleDads • u/Feisty-Assumption702 • 15h ago
Advice on coparenting at 9 months — feeling controlled and shut out
My son is 9 months old and I think my relationship with my partner is heading toward separation. I haven’t been happy for a while, and it’s mostly come to a head since he was born.
Some context on what’s been going on:
• I’m not able to take my son out by myself. Not because I’m incapable — my partner just feels like everything should always be done as a “3.” Things like father-son bonding walks in the pram, which most parenting advice actually recommends, she doesn’t see as necessary.
• There are heavy safety restrictions around public spaces — avoiding places because of dogs (which is her fear, not something our son has shown any reaction to), constant worry about him touching any plant or flower in case it’s poisonous, and refusing to use public changing rooms.
• She has what feels like an unhealthy attachment to her parents — visiting their house every day from 9am to 6pm, staying over every Friday, and wanting two family holidays abroad a year that would eat up 20/25 days of my annual leave.
• My social life has taken a hit I should go to every meet up with friends which isnt a frequent thing but I should always drive there in case of an emergency with our son, even when she’s home, sober, and has full access to a car.
Whenever I try to raise any of this, I get told I’m either putting him at risk or stopping him from making memories. It’s exhausting having every concern reframed as me being the problem.
Has anyone been through something similar preferably in the UK ?Does anybody have any experiences for separating at 9 months? Things like overnight stays, split time, handovers — how does that typically work with a baby this young, and how did you and your ex figure it out?
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u/Carbonaraficionada 15h ago
Hi. Yeah I think you're still together right? If I had any advice for you, as a single dad, it's that the issues you've highlighted are all connected by your behaviour and the actions you want to take. While I totally get the motivation to feel like you can be alone with your child, either to make memories or demonstrate it's feasible or whatever other reason, it isn't necessary, and being conscious of your wife's anxieties is going to be faaaaar more beneficial to you in the long-term. If she's terrified about not being with her child, or scared about exposing the kid to dogs or plants or whatever, take it seriously. Parenting isn't a competition, and her hard wired instincts are running the show currently, through the complexities of looking after (what sounds like) her first child. Also, her parents (and support network in general) are a lifeline so relax with any concerns you might have about her spending time with them; she trusts them, she knows they're competent with kids, she knows they'll take care of her and the baby, and it's her 'home from home', so don't label it is an 'unhealthy attachment' because it's perfectly healthy and her need to be there may be a reflection on the way you're interacting with her, especially in the context of some of the stuff you've said here. It's actually you who needs to fall in, so I hope you're not looking for confirmation bias mate, because I have none for you I'm afraid. I can tell you though that letting your Mrs do things her way is going to increase the likelihood that she doesn't decide to start living at her parents again, or just ask you to find somewhere else to live, because there's levels to this parenting thing and most of the guys here would be delighted to still be in your situation, compared to the ones they have with their ex's and children. Sorry if it's not the answer you wanted, but it's real
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 12h ago
She needs therapy to deal with her controlling impulse s. Separation or not, she definitely needs it
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u/fresher-crispier 10h ago
Again, I’m not in the UK, but if you are thinking about leaving, start getting your house order.
Make sure you’re going to Doctor’s appointments, making decisions on education or childcare, dropping the child off at childcare, buying the child clothes etc etc. Basically showing that you are as much a carer in the child’s life as the mother.
My ex tried to claim that she was the primary carer. When in reality she had less parental leave at the birth, I dropped them up and picked them up from childcare the majority of the time (>65% of the time). Whilst we were together, she’d left me with my kid for multiple days and nights, whilst she was on a work trip. I signed them up for education. I’d taken them to Doctor’s appointments. She threatened to take me to court for more than 50:50. I reeled off this data (which I had to get retrospectively) and then her lawyer must’ve realised she didn’t have a hope in hell, and she was never the primary carer despite her ego, control-obsessed emotional fragility needing her to think she was.
As an aside, I would’ve paid the money for the judge to tell her she had been less of a primary carer than I had during their first few years.
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u/ChocolateTeapot-ND 1h ago edited 53m ago
Hi mate - I had a similar situation albeit not so extreme in some cases. Turns out my ex-partner had postpartum depression. I tried my best and do feel for my ex but it really was the nail in the coffin.
As a father, it really felt like I had to fight for my bonding experience with my child compared to what comes quite organically for the mother (especially as I was back to work within two weeks like most). Having this opportunity taken away from me created so much resentment for me. When trying to address it I was only ever met with her emotion as nothing else mattered. I felt very unseen and unheard during a time that was supposed to be a wonderful experience.
My advice would be; if you’ve still got something left in your tank and you still feel there’s a future here, seek help, help her get help if it’s needed and talk through it together or in couples therapy if you can.
If you are set on separation, this is something you will have to sit down with your baby’s mother and talk about. You need to be transparent about how you navigate the coparenting moving forward. There is so much to think about whether you do 50/50, how that looks for you (2-2-3) is usually recommended early on, how you handle medical appointments etc. You essentially need a custody agreement and whether that’s informal or formal depends on you both. I would look into custody agreements for coparents to really get an idea of what people factor in. There are so many superb posts on Reddit surrounding these areas that it’s probably best to do a little digging, for your own sanity. This is because everyone’s situation is different and everyones relationship with the coparent is different, which creates different boundaries and expectations.
One thing I will say, and it’s hard, is that this is about the child. Not you, not the mum, the child. Every decision you make has to be “what’s best for the child and its wellbeing?”.
This is going to be testing times mate - real character defining. You’ve got this.
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u/fresher-crispier 15h ago
I’m not from the UK but I’d check with a lawyer, and potentially a child psychologist (or a specialist in that area) to figure out what’s best for the child.
From the perspective of someone who also came out of a controlling relationship, where the wellbeing of the child was also weaponised, I’m now 50:50 with a toddler and have been for about a year. It’s so much better. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. I actually feel like a great father and it’s so rewarding.
This wasn’t my choice though. She made the choice, and then didn’t want to work on it. I’d encourage you to try and make it work. Separating is hard.
Also, might your partner have post-partum depression?
Good luck.