When I was little, I had a cousin on my dad’s side who was very nice to me. We used to play together, spend a lot of time together, and were quite close.

When I was in Class 4, a girl in the neighbourhood( not my cousin ) , who was older than me, used to tell me to touch her inappropriately. I didn’t understand at that age that it was wrong, and I went along with it because I thought these kinds of things were normal between younger kids and older " girls".

Because of that, one day when my cousin was sleeping, I touched her inappropriately. She woke up, confronted me, and after that she never spoke to me again. Not long afterward, she moved away for college, so we lost contact completely.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to understand how wrong what I did was, and I feel deeply guilty about it. I’ve carried that guilt for a long time, and I still struggle to forgive myself.

There’s going to be a wedding in my family in a few months, and there’s a chance I might see her there. I’ve been wondering whether I should apologise to her for what happened when we were children. If I should, I don’t know how to approach her or what I should say.

I am in class 12 now . It's been 8 years .

I wish I never made any of the mistakes or bad decisions I've done in my life. I feel horrible about it all. All I can think of is all of the people I've hurt in my life because of my actions. I want to apologize to them over and over and over again. I'm not the kind person I've always wanted to be and I never will, which makes me very sad. I don't like living like this, I want restart and be the person I've dreamt of being for most of my life. I can't live with myself. I feel ashamed and horrified by everything I've done. I wish I was someone else. I completely understand why people don't like me and think I'm weird, because I am. I want to make sure that for as long as I live, I will dedicate my life to being a better version of myself everyday. Make better decisions, don't let people influence me into doing bad things such as bullying, be kind to everyone, and become a good person overall. I am deeply saddened by my actions and how its affected others. I never want to be like that ever again.

There were always women interested in me, ever since middle school. I was also in an emo band which made girls interested in me. When I was 16M, there was 22F interested in me and when I was 17M, there was 25F interested in me and they were both constantly nagging me to sleep with them which made me feel uncomfortable.

Most of my peers called me a fool for rejecting them but I felt that it was my responsibility as a male to reject them in order to be a moral person with integrity and out of respect for my future wife.

Now I'm 26 and haven't been on a date since.

Based on the title it sounds like im in some horrible state(maybe i am, idk LOL) Im pretty sure i aint, But for sure am worried for myself.
I stated many times in my last post that i had no freinds and whatnot, Which is true, but i managed to find some relationships with people, and as i said in would happen in my first post, they ended up being people SIMILIAR to me(doing alot of substances etc, so a very very VERY bad mix) they were over and one of them had a bright idea to try meth, They knew ive tried it (they knew this means i could also get it ) and wanted to try for themselves and kept nagging at me till i gave in.
We get a drop and this time i smoke it instead of snorting(so do they)
Compared to the first time which was more or less MID, This time quite frankly, it was heavenly.

I’ve been falling back into the hole of drug abuse again since then, doing everything i can to get my hands on practically anything. All just to get my mind off going back to meth again.

There will likely be people in this post that are going to say some nasty things and i do not blame you, But for me, and probably everyone out there who does the shit i do. None and i mean NONE of them want to be in the position they are. It’s such a sad and pathetic habit, that I truly AM trying to break.

Just thought id post on here as the advice i got the first time helped me so so much and will 100% continue to do so even through these little hiccups.

Have a good day/night reader :/

Hello, I’m a Freshman at an okay state university, it was a last minute decision to enroll with this course because I failed 5 out 6 universities that i applied to. I had the option of taking a year off of school and my parents would’ve enrolled me at a cheap private university in a course that i like but i turned it down due to peer pressure and guilt.

Peer pressure because people around me kept on telling me that i would grow to like ChE or that taking a year off is a waste when i have a uni to go to and guilt because even if i do get to study a course that i like, its in private and i know my parents’ effort and exhaustion would double and i felt guilty.

Another feeling that time i had to choose was the feeling of being left out. I know i had my own pace than others but i guess that just added to the pressure.

Now that im here, im currently regretting it. I always think of the past at the time when choosing between a year off or enrolling and i wished i have picked the former. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this because i know they’ll say the same things. “You’ll get through it” “I know you can get past that” but that’s not what im feeling. I don’t think i can survive this program.

I don’t know of i should tell my parents about it but i think they’ll say something similar plus i feel guilty about telling because they spent so much already— with dorm, allowances, books and uniforms.

Idk what to do. I feel sad and scared. I cry almost every night thinking about whether i could survive this or not. I envy my friends who even tho they have a hard program as well but at least they enjoy it.

Thank you for reading:(

P.S.
im not good at math and learns slower than others

I started drinking really young, 14 was the first time I got drunk with my sister. Looking back that’s the same year my dad was murdered. He was an extreme alcoholic, and all of my siblings struggled with it to (I’m one of 5). My sister was babysitting me while my mom was out of town, and she had her bf over and I think they wanted to make sure I’d stay asleep. After that I started partying, getting snuck into clubs, house parties, all of that. I never got into drugs but I was the heaviest drinker always in my friend group. Lots of bad memories there, getting taken advantage of by older men, embarrassing myself, being in bad dangerous situations. Then, I lost control at 19, I started drinking on the job, I had to quit before they found out. I got my first DUI. (I have 2 shamefully) Drinking wasn’t fun anymore. I just couldn’t stop. I don’t have the words to express to you how hard it was to carry the regret, the shame, the self hatred every single time I drank. 15 years of bad drinking, 2 DUIs, almost losing my life several times (ie I fell trying to change, my mom found me in the bathtub with my dress over my head and my arms up and my neck at a bad angle, I had passed out and I think I could have died from positional asphyxiation). So many stories like this it would take me hours to count them all. I tried everything, AA, counseling, therapy, mental health meds. When I turned 30, I was finally able to stop. Now, almost 2 years later, I still get flashbacks to bad times. I still feel the immense shame of it like it was just yesterday. The physical response I have when a memory pops into my head is seriously painful, my chest gets really tight and my heart starts racing, my stomach drops like a roller coaster. Will it ever get better… or what is even the point. I’m glad I’m not hurting the people that love me anymore or actively destroying and rebuilding my life. But the pain still feels so fresh.

I should just let go, written on here so much already about this. I never meant what I did that night, even if it was so long ago now. I was drinking so much in July, too much, even if you didn’t view it like that. When I had those 2 bottles in 5 days. I was losing control of myself, I love losing control especially with alcohol. I said things I didn’t mean under the influence, ofc I regret that greatly especially after waking up 4 hours after it happened and I messaged you back. I didn’t want to end things, yet I still did under the influence. My insecurities were speaking for itself instead of believe your word. You said I looked beautiful, I should’ve taken the compliment but felt like absolute shit and was already 1 and a half 4 lokos deep. The negative thoughts took control and I wrote all those things I didn’t mean. Pushing you away as far as I possibly could. After all the dust settled, I couldn’t bare that feeling anymore, having you on my snap was too much afterwards. We weren’t talking at all, I couldn’t bare to keep you on there. So I unadded you, I sent you one last snap but you didn’t open it for hours so I decided “okay, I guess this is it” and clicked the unadd button. Idk if you did ever view it, but I am greatly and deeply sorry. I don’t want to add you back now since it’s been over a month, but I hope that you’re doing good. I would like a conversation with you but I also would understand you not wanting to see me. That’s really all, I hope I do see you in school again but I’m also kinda dreading it. We’ll see where things go.

-hopeless

Nostalgia is so heavy. The absolute weight of the fatal inability to retrieve what once was, simply due to the mere knowledge of that very thing, is tormenting.

​I'm lying in my bed, only in my 20s, fearing the future, the consequences of my moronic choices, and the further advancement of time away from what were once boring days and are now cherished memories that I would abandon everything to relive.

But even then, even if I could go back in time, it would merely be a makeshift photo album for I already lived those memories, and their uniqueness might be their greatest feat. "Ignorance is bliss" proves itself to always be one of the truest sentences ever spoken.

​I wish I could go back 10 or 15 years ago same settings, reliving all the struggles, all the pain and discomfort. I sure hope I would make better decisions, but the truth is I would probably end up exactly where I am all over again.

I have everything that younger me could've ever wished for: all the games, the ability to drive a fast car, have sex, eat whatever, and just get up and go almost wherever.

The so-pursued freedom of adulthood that I, now as an adult, would relinquish in a blink to be in the worry-free, rose-tinted, plexiglass prison that is a child's world... a lucky child's world.

​I was lucky enough to be born where I want to trade ideal life conditions because of nostalgia, which would be insane for many in the world. But this is just it: I'm tired of having to deal with the consequences of my actions.

I'm tired of it all. I wanna go back to when i thought just driving It was cool enough, and it’s not that I needed a V8 or Apple CarPlay. I want to go back to when someone had to make me go somewhere every day against my will for my own good, instead of having to convince myself because I need to survive.

I want to go back to begging my mom for a game instead of scrolling through a library, clicking on a game, playing it for 30 minutes, and not touching it again for the next month. I want to go back to teachers missing classes.

I want to go back to not knowing what sex feels like, or not even thinking about that or wanting it.

I want to go back to when I thought I was cool for having eaten so much food after a party that I couldn't see my feet.

It wasn't all perfect, but there was much less that I could do about it compared to now, where it all depends on me. It's childish, but it's true.

​

Music

I was like 11 when i first started , it was great no pressure , just chatting with my music friends , laughing , i did have fun at some point and got excited to go tho it lasted for 1 year or so

It got bad when i started missing different family/ friends events to attend those 6 hours a day practices

It was so much i was seeing my music professor and classmates more than my grandparents and cousins

Goah how many parties i missed how many family reunions i missed , how many sleepovers i missed , how many times i said no to meetups , i blame my father he was so strict about it for some reason

Not to mention the teacher screaming the cursing and criticism over and over and over again , to be honest i am probably the person who got yelled at the least , but just witnessing my friends getting humiliated gosh looking back it really was abuse

Our professor alaways talked about how people failed him by stopping attending the classes or joining other groups , and how much he sacrificed to build them , they made us see these people who quit or changed groups as traitors who deserved death penalty , little did i know those poor burnouts just wanted to be free

Time passes and the hate is accumulating till i got college and i finally had the chance to use it as an excuse to not go , i started straight up lying coming up with every excuse possible to not go , it felt heavenly , i swear i get happy when theres a test tomorrow cuz that would mean I'll have to cancel going

The more i stay the harder it gets to quit

Why didn't i quit yet , im scared its been 10 years i do see them as family my friends there are the nicest people always supporting me , but unfortunately any notification i get from them reminds me of that hell so i end up ghosting them , changing my route once i notice them outside , our music group have a page i dont even follow that page , im a part of the group chat and god how much i wanna leave that group i muted all the notif the tags the call everything , i do not want to be reminded of that place when im out of it

The saddest part is how that hell effected me negatively , no confidence whatsoever , cant sing to people because im traumatized from the yelling , completely hiding the fact that i do play music on my socials , im simply not proud , i find it tragic very tragic , i dont even like going on stage the happy part of it is when its all over and we get to go home

Thank you for reading , i am seriously thinking of quiting soon i just hate how i wasted so much of my energy on that shit

Últimamente he pensado demasiado en todo lo que pasó. En cómo una persona puede llegar a significar tanto y, al mismo tiempo, terminar sintiendo que la está perdiendo por sus propios errores.

Me duele saber que muchas de mis inseguridades, mis celos y mis miedos terminaron dañando algo que para mí era tan importante. Nunca quise hacer daño, pero entiendo que las intenciones no borran las consecuencias. Hubo cosas que hice mal y otras que simplemente no supe manejar.

Y quizás eso es lo que más me pesa: saber que muchas veces tuve algo hermoso frente a mí y no supe cuidarlo como debía.

Extraño tantas cosas que ni siquiera sé cómo explicarlas. Una mirada, una sonrisa, una conversación, estar juntos sin hacer nada especial. Extraño esos momentos pequeños que en su momento parecían normales y que ahora tienen un valor enorme.

También me duele todo lo que imaginé. Pensar en una vida juntos, en una familia, en llegar algún día del trabajo y encontrar esa sonrisa que tanto me gustaba. Pensar que quizás pude haber construido algo bonito y que mis propios problemas terminaron interfiriendo.

Sé que no puedo cambiar el pasado. Tampoco puedo obligar a alguien a olvidar, perdonar o volver a confiar. Y quizás una de las cosas más difíciles de aceptar es que amar a alguien también significa respetar sus tiempos, incluso cuando uno quisiera arreglarlo todo inmediatamente.

Ahora solo queda aprender.

Aprender a controlar los celos, a confiar, a escuchar, a respetar espacios y a no dejar que el miedo termine tomando decisiones por mí. Aprender que querer a alguien no significa aferrarse, sino también saber darle tranquilidad.

Ojalá algún día pueda mirar todo esto sin sentir solamente culpa. Ojalá pueda verlo como una etapa que me enseñó a madurar y a entender que el amor también requiere trabajo personal.

No sé qué pasará en el futuro. No sé si algún día las cosas volverán a ser como antes. Pero sí sé que lo que sentí fue real y que todo esto me cambió.

Ahora quiero convertirme en alguien mejor, no solamente para recuperar algo que perdí, sino porque no quiero volver a ser la persona que permitió que sus inseguridades lastimaran a alguien que amaba.

Quizás lo único que puedo hacer ahora es guardar todo esto, aprender de ello y seguir adelante, esperando que algún día mis acciones puedan demostrar todo lo que las palabras ya no alcanzan a explicar.

I’ve been ruminating on this for a month now. I love him, I really do, but he can’t see me as more than a friend. I’m beginning to fear that to know me deeply is to not be able to love me, and he’s seen me at my worst, and my best, but my worst was…bad.

In the moment I felt so scared, and brave, but now I mostly feel defeated, and still scared. I love him enough to be good, to try and be normal, and I am trying to be normal, but I regret that I’ve changed our friendship, because he deserves better than that.

The feelings are still there, and I’m trying to go out and date, but it’s hard. I shouldn’t have said anything.

First post, other posts gave me the confidence.

Went through a rough patch after leaving previous relationship in 2019. I slept with lots of men (even other women). Honestly, I lost count, but I know some nights were 2 parters per night. Sometimes multiple days in a row. Probably slept with 60+ different men in 2019. Lots of alcohol involved and someone never caught anything. Have been tested multiple times throughout.

I know how to manage emotions and feelings better now. But boy did I make a fool out of myself lol.

It started being abusive and i was living with her before she started using slurs so i believe i wouldve maybe left sooner if I felt safe but I am sad at realizing how my self proclaimed strong morals went away when I was scared and how I started doubting my own morals and whether I was too sensitive.

(For example saying slurs (r word, n word etc) that I don't think should be used as a "joke" or at all, that I started thinking of myself as a snowflake for not taking them as jokes)

On one hand I understand I felt unsafe and this isnt even a sympathy post. I guess i am just sad looking back and seeing how my values were very easily threatened by my need for safety and it makes me feel uncomfy with just how fast I myself tried talking myself out of my morals for feeling emotionally safe.

And going forward i am becoming more firm but idk it's regretful and it makes me feel a bit ashamed because I was the one talking myself out of my morals to feel safe/accepted/to avoid a fight and I dont hate myself for it because the other factors were involved but I can't love myself either.

( please translate this post) Я очень долго пытался где-то высказаться , надеюсь, что хоть здесь я смогу это сделать. Ещё со второго класса я дружил с одной девушкой, с которой мы раньше проводили кучу времени вместе. Наша дружба продолжалась на протяжении очень долгого времени, пока не началась гормональная перестройка... Я внезапно начал что-то чувствовать к ней, пока не понял, что влюбился. Я всячески скрывал это чувство в себе, пока полностью не вытолкнул его из себя. Я боялся, очень сильно боялся. Боялся мнения общества, того,что меня будут высмеивать... И в​ один день, когда я устал от этого всего, я случайно нагрубил ей, сказал, что я не влюблен в неё. Не знаю, что со мной произошло... Это было абсолютно спонтанно.... Я не хотел этого говорить... И вот уже девятый класс, а я всё ещё боюсь хоть раз посмотреть ей в глаза... Я уже не могу это терпеть. Пожалуйста, помогите, что мне делать? Как мне избавиться от этого груза совести?