Unhappy that I can't be a SAHM.
Genuinely upsetting that we need the income and I can't provide the care and consistency for my baby I want to.
We would afford it if my partner could work more, but as he has a chronic illness and is self employed, there's no stability in what he brings home.
I work 3 days in an easy and stable job. I should feel greatful, but the money isnt great, and its incredibly boring. All I can think is how much I'd rather be home
I guess I'm just mourning the life I know I can't have. Does anyone else relate?
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u/Funny-Drag8125 1d ago
Here’s how I view it: you work 3 days so the other 5, you’re a sahm!
I work part time as well and I consider myself a sahm and a working mom. I work a couple evenings and every other weekend. So during the day, I am a sahm. And during my evenings and weekends that I work, I am a working mom.
We have the best of both worlds! Trust me, I don’t like my job either, I do it because financially we have to have my income as well. But it feels good to be contributing to the house and getting social interaction.
It also feels good to be spending a lot of time with my son when I’m off work and watching him grow and playing with him and taking him places.
Reframe how you view it! It helped me alot.
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u/OhNoXo 1d ago
You're right. This post was definitely a 'pitty me' post. I just feel like I'm missing out on a lot while stuck staring at a screen.
I do cherish the days I'm not at work
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u/Funny-Drag8125 1d ago
Trust me I get it. When I work the weekend I feel terrible. I am missing out on family time! My wife is off work, at home, playing with our son, and I’m stuck at work!! It sucks!! But it’s needed to help provide for our family.
I just look forward to my weekends off so we can all spend family time together!
You’ve got more days with your baby than without. That’s great!!
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u/Sad-Frosting-3843 20h ago
Be grateful you don’t work full time, you do what you need to do. My sister was widowed, full time mom to two kids when her husband passed away expectedly when boys were 3 and 5. Many have a harder road than you or my sister as well.
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u/DrSteveBrulleWizard 23h ago
You’re so lucky you still get the 4 days with your baby! I work full time & wish I could be home. Think positively
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u/Orwell1984_2295 23h ago
We're now coming out the other side with an 18 year old son. I went back part-time after maternity leave and it was tough. I wanted to be a stay at home mum. Some days it was really tough juggling it all.
However, looking back, part-time working was the best choice and hit the right balance....albeit it may not have felt that way at the time as always felt I couldn't give 100% to work or our child.
Coming out the other side, it's meant better financial stability for us as a family. I''ve also kept my hand in work which has meant I haven't had to return to work after several years out and starting right from the bottom again, thereby maintaining/growing my career (a bit slower as part-time but better than a rewind). Plus, the social and confidence benefits of staying in work. Also, coming from a single-parent family I was secure in the knowledge that if my marriage failed I was able to take care of both of us.
Bringing up a family is hard work whether you're a stay at home parent, part-time working or full-time working, there's always compromise somewhere. It's trying to balance what works best overall (practically and emotionally) for your family that's important.
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u/Lunathevole 19h ago
I had to go back after 3 months… full of wounds, lactating, missing my baby insanely. Yeah my heart still breaks. Solidarity.
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u/Conscious_Apricot123 1d ago
Can you work towards finding a new job that isn’t as boring for you and pays more? I genuinely enjoy my work so when I was a SAHM for a year and went back to work I was actually quite happy! Being a SAHM I felt so isolated and craved adult conversation
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u/OhNoXo 1d ago
Thanks, I have been looking, but the job market in the UK is pretty terrible right now. And I do have a lot of security in my current role as I've been there a while
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u/Conscious_Apricot123 1d ago
I’m sorry, it’s such a terrible job market everywhere it seems and it’s also a terrible feeling to feel stuck.
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u/Odd_Rent283 23h ago
I feel this so hard right now. I have an 11 y/o from my first marriage and then a 2.5 y/o and 6 month old twins. I feel like I’m missing out on so much of all of their lives. My husband owns his own business and we could make it work, but it would be a huge struggle financially. Plus my job provides good insurance for me and the kids and I have a good retirement and a pension….so it makes absolutely zero sense for me to stop working. Just want to validate what you’re feeling. I love long weekends and bank holidays. More time with my kids.
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u/Apprehensive_Dig3253 1d ago
As a SAHM for three years, I know it can be hard leaving your baby. But those boring work days will become your respite. As long as your baby is safe and healthy there is nothing wrong with daycare.
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u/Ocelotofdamage 23h ago
If they can’t afford not to work 3 days a week for not much money they probably can’t afford day care.
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u/Kind_Avocado_7219 19h ago
If they’re low income doesn’t the state pay for daycare?
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u/OhNoXo 18h ago
I'm in the UK we get what equates to 2.5 days a week partially covered. We have baby in nursery 2 days a week but need to pay £100 a month towards it. No where does half days, so any time over this is exponentially more expensive. I think my sister was paying 1k a month for full time care
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u/thatoneredheadgirl 17h ago
That’s still cheaper than here in the US!
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u/GodsWarrior89 23h ago
Yes, I feel this way too! Wanted to be SAHM but I had to return to work. My husband & I alternate WFH days even though I work from home 3 days a week. It’s super hard with a toddler and I feel like I can’t focus on her. I feel super guilty too. Also, pregnant with baby #2 so we’ll see how it goes.
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u/OhNoXo 18h ago
That sounds so difficult! I'm so sorry. Capitalism really does make families struggle. I wish someone in charge would see the social benefit of having a parent able to provide care for their own family. It used to be that one wage could easily sustain a family
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u/cupcakekirbyd 18h ago
When? My mom was a sahm but we lived in poverty- food banks, bankruptcy, welfare etc. My grandma was a phone operator. My other grandma was a widow and was also a phone operator. My great grandma was a waitress after my great grandpa got paralyzed by a stroke.
You have a disabled husband, women with disabled/dead/deadbeat husbands have always had to work.
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u/babyfever2023 19h ago
I’ve been feeling this so much! Like i’ve literally been depressed over exactly this for the past few days. My toddler is 2 and I still yearn to be a SAHM. I have a chill WFH job and still spend out a lot of time with him but I’m still so sad over having to be away from him a few hours each day and not getting to take him to fun activities and stuff. I want another baby really bad and we are currently TTC but I’m also already mourning the fact that I’ll have to work after my next baby is born as well and I’ll have to be separated from them more than I’d like (after a way too short maternity leave).
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u/TotoroTomato 16h ago
Can your partner become the SAHP instead, if he is unable to work more? I am sure you would rather do it yourself, but it would still be better to have a parent provide that consistency for a baby rather than sending to a daycare so young, if you can swing it.
I’m sorry you’re not able to be home yourself. The lack of proper parental leave (a year plus, like civilized countries) is a disgrace.
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u/TeishAH 22h ago
It’s the opposite for me. Although I am extremely grateful to be able to be with my son, I don’t really trust others, daycare is incredibly difficult to get into in Canada (2 year wait lists) so I haven’t been able to return to work. I want to be with my son, but before I was a very active waitress. Made good money. Got lots of exercise. Actually spoke with other adults all day. Now I’m 50lbs overweight, isolated in my house, and constantly bored. Guilty for not bringing in an income. Husband makes enough money that we don’t really need it but still. The absolute lack of personal autonomy and loss of identity has been very hard to deal with.
It seems no matter what happens having children is just such a huge undertaking that regardless of which direction it goes in it is a mighty adjustment.
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u/Ok_Preference_8899 20h ago
Waitlists vary by region in Canada. When I had my son it was before the current subsidy program and there were wait lists in my community. Now we have a lot more childcare spaces and even with the subsidy several facilities and registered day homes have availability.
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u/LaMaltaKano 21h ago
Totally get how you feel. It never feels right to be gone from my kid for too long, even when it’s hard and exhausting.
But if you need help finding gratitude—- 3 days away isn’t much!! That gives you a huge amount of time with baby compared to most working moms. Not to do the suffering Olympics, but 3 days of work and a barely working partner is wild to most of us in the US. That would mean we’d be one illness away from homeless.
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u/acinnamonham 1d ago
As someone who works 2/3 days a week I like to consider myself a ‘Full Time Mom’ and ‘Part Time Hairstylist.’
I know it’s hard to not be with your baby full time but like someone else mentioned, in the long run it’ll be more beneficial to have that stability and financial supplement.
I’m on baby number 2 and it was much harder to go back to work at first but now I try to enjoy my few hours a week being at work, having a sense of my self again while talking with adults and having a reason to get my self together for the day vs a comfy fit for library time.
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u/Ok_Preference_8899 20h ago
Honestly, it’s hard when they are small, but now that I have a school aged kid I’m really glad I have my career. I did part time when my son was 1 and I found it tough, I took an unpaid leave from work when my son was 2 and was a SAHM for a year. I went back to work when he was 3, and it was way easier than when he was 1. My son was making friends, learning new things and talking about his day. Now that he is in school for full days, I would be bored if I stayed at home. It really is just a season of life and hopefully you can find a job in the future that is not boring.
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u/CtrlAltDeli 1d ago
If he has a chronic illness, why don’t you work and he stays home?
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u/OhNoXo 1d ago edited 1d ago
We have considered this, but his bad days mean a lot of pain, so he can't care for lo as well as we'd like.
I also have my own issues, so full time in the office really affects me. Though part time is tolerable,
And selfishly, I really want to be the one looking after my baby. It's making me really unhappy that I can't
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u/babyfever2023 19h ago
I hate when people propose the dad staying home as a solution to this dilemma. 1. It does not change the fact that you desire more time with your children, and in fact would make that worse since you would likely have to work even harder and 2. Statistically when men are SAHDs women still do a similar amount of the childcare, and even more of the housework than they would otherwise do. The result is usually just the SAHD getting materially more leisure time than the breadwinning mom gets and the mom completely gets the sh*t end of the stick in every way with this arrangement.
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u/thickasabrick89 1d ago
That does sound like a great idea, OP have you considered this?
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u/OhSoManyQuestions 1d ago
If she wants to be a SAHM, why would working more than she currently does be an appealing solution?
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u/thickasabrick89 1d ago
OP has responded now but if the idea was to have one parent looking after the child while the other one worked, this could be an alternative solution.
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u/greenandbluepillow 19h ago
Just want to highlight that having a baby in my 30’s I’m a working mom. I do have guilt for having him in daycare, but 60% of the time childcare is such a physical struggle I’m happy to go to the office for the break. You may feel the same way over time
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u/RedChairBlueChair123 17h ago
I’m the breadwinner for my family, partially so my husband with some physical limitations doesn’t have to work so hard.
My priority is the long term future of my family.
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u/QuackerstheCat 14h ago
100% agree 😭 I have to go back to work in two weeks and I'm not at all ready. I like my job, I'm good at it, and I like having my own money (not that my husband wouldn't let me get something that makes me happy, but as is I don't have to hear his opinion on me spending $30 on a monogrammed onsie). But I wish I could stay home with my son. It feels like we don't get enough time together, and I'm afraid he's going to have his first steps/words at daycare and I'll miss them 🥺
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u/TinyNefariousness135 17h ago
It’s ok to be unhappy! I personally believe women SHOULD be home with their children, and it’s criminal that we are in a dual income economy. I honestly NEED to be working but my husband and I are just going to figure it out. Currently have a 6yo with #2 on the way. When this pregnancy is over and I no longer have GD, I plan on baking and selling baked goods ♥️ no it’s not a huge money maker but being able to pay for things or help pay down debt DOES go a long way.
Definitely work! It’s ONLY 3 days a week ♥️♥️♥️ stick it out until maybe you can do something at home or you CAN stay home. Also, do you plan on being a SAHM forever? Or would you send your kiddo to school and then go back to work? Staying at a 3 day job might be better for you guys.
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u/LiveWhatULove Mom to 18yo boy, 16yo boy, 12yo girl 1d ago
Although I liked my career, becoming a mother really changed my priorities, out of no where, I personally had a strong, innate desire and motivation to be with my baby, rather than working 40-50 hours a week. So yes, I was angry, sad, and just all around mourning the loss of time with my kids.
BUT parenting is a long game. And in hindsight, now with a 19, 17, and 13 year old, financial stability was critical to provide a home and life where my kids thrived. And since my husband and I do not have generational wealth, we work and work hard. Staying home would have been about my desires, but, working, working was best for them.
Financial issues really creates immense stress in the home, and even is a major cause of divorce, so just do what you gotta do!